When Will I Ever Learn?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, here's today's back and forth from my STBx. I am sure I will get scolded here for my response to her, and probably for good reasons that I would have given to someone else in the same situation, but that urge to remind her of all the hypocrisy that spews from her every word is still strong in me. I thought this could be a good learning experience for those of us in the thick of BPD hell... .

STBx: GM Jeff,

I just wanted to check in and find out if it would be okay for me to stop in and pickup the big brown suitcase. I need it for my Boston show. (D21) was going to bring it over, but she is really tired and I also need to go to Staples for supplies for my booth. Please let me know.

Your paint job on the house looks really nice and the lighting fixtures are very nice as well. Great work.

Thank you.
STBx

Jeffree: I left the one I can spare in the mud room.

STBx: Wait? One of those are mine and the other is yours. I am looking to use the square one, not the garment bag. I know the big Square one was the gift from the (Jeffree's job for 10 years service) and we agreed to trade. However, I’ll take which ever one you do not want. I just need the big square one for this week.
 
At some point we to discuss (S18) over the phone, I can’t do text. Please advise.
 
I will not come by today. I’ll pick up the case on my way out.
 
Thank you.


Jeffree: I’m not playing suitcase roulette with you. Take the square one and keep it. I really don’t care that it was from the (job). I got it because that was the one that you preferred to have. It’s yours. Enjoy. Please leave me alone.

STBx: Oh my lord. Stop being so nasty. What’s your point? What do you get out of being an ass? Really? We have to share a family together, so we need to be civil, at the very least.

Jeffree: Oh, so NOW being a family requires civility?
 
It didn’t require it when we actually WERE all living under the same roof? It didn’t require it when you called the cops on me for no reason? It didn’t require it when you were coming home from that party over the summer and I had to restrain you from hitting the kids? It didn’t require it when you’re talking to XXXX XXXXXX at 2:30 a.m. in MY home when you finally came home from an extended weekend?  It didn’t require it when you’re screaming in D21's face? It didn’t require it when you were throwing my clothes all over the room, trying to throw my suitcase out of the window, and threatening to key my car?
 
It only requires it when you say we need it, right? Which is just a throwaway comment you make so you can come and go as you please so you can focus on your BIG important job. Civility didn’t matter to you when I had a job worth a sh1t and you’re threatening to come to MY workplace and tell everyone what a so and so I am. No…NOW we have to be civil.
 
You’re so full of it.
 
Call me whatever you want. It’s not anything you’ve not said before, and it’s certainly not anything I don’t assume you’re already thinking about me. You’ve never had any respect for me, and I don’t think you’re going to start now.
 
Civility. Amazing. You of all people are going to lecture ME on civility. Oh, OK. Yes, this from the woman who had the nerve to tell me to my face that her deceased boyfriend was more of a man than I’ll ever be and the love of her life.


STBx: You’re to much. I feel really, really sorry for you. No worries, the day I die will be the next best day of your life. Hopefully it will come sooner than later.

Jeffree: Like I have said, save your sympathies for people you actually care about…like everyone else BUT me.

So? What? I went too far, right? Should have either just ignored her or just said here's the suitcase, safe travels.

Her hypocrisy is just so insulting. I am the most civil person going, and she wants to act as though since I wasn't all over the moon by the prospect of being able to do her a favor that I am being "nasty."

She flits in and out of my home unannounced usually whenever she wants for however long she wants, I don't say anything to her about it, and am even willing to put a piece of our luggage that is rightfully hers in the mudroom and not the garage, and it's still not good enough and causes her to take a shot... .at me.

J

[Jeffree]

So, here's today's back and forth from my STBx. I am sure I will get scolded here for my response to her, and probably for good reasons that I would have given to someone else in the same situation, but that urge to remind her of all the hypocrisy that spews from her every word is still strong in me. I thought this could be a good learning experience for those of us in the thick of BPD hell... .

STBx: GM Jeff,

I just wanted to check in and find out if it would be okay for me to stop in and pickup the big brown suitcase. I need it for my Boston show. (D21) was going to bring it over, but she is really tired and I also need to go to Staples for supplies for my booth. Please let me know.

Your paint job on the house looks really nice and the lighting fixtures are very nice as well. Great work.

Thank you.
STBx

Jeffree: I left the one I can spare in the mud room.

STBx: Wait? One of those are mine and the other is yours. I am looking to use the square one, not the garment bag. I know the big Square one was the gift from the (Jeffree's job for 10 years service) and we agreed to trade. However, I’ll take which ever one you do not want. I just need the big square one for this week.
 
At some point we to discuss (S18) over the phone, I can’t do text. Please advise.
 
I will not come by today. I’ll pick up the case on my way out.
 
Thank you.


Jeffree: I’m not playing suitcase roulette with you. Take the square one and keep it. I really don’t care that it was from the (job). I got it because that was the one that you preferred to have. It’s yours. Enjoy. Please leave me alone.

STBx: Oh my lord. Stop being so nasty. What’s your point? What do you get out of being an ass? Really? We have to share a family together, so we need to be civil, at the very least.

Jeffree: Oh, so NOW being a family requires civility?
 
It didn’t require it when we actually WERE all living under the same roof? It didn’t require it when you called the cops on me for no reason? It didn’t require it when you were coming home from that party over the summer and I had to restrain you from hitting the kids? It didn’t require it when you’re talking to XXXX XXXXXX at 2:30 a.m. in MY home when you finally came home from an extended weekend?  It didn’t require it when you’re screaming in D21's face? It didn’t require it when you were throwing my clothes all over the room, trying to throw my suitcase out of the window, and threatening to key my car?
 
It only requires it when you say we need it, right? Which is just a throwaway comment you make so you can come and go as you please so you can focus on your BIG important job. Civility didn’t matter to you when I had a job worth a sh1t and you’re threatening to come to MY workplace and tell everyone what a so and so I am. No…NOW we have to be civil.
 
You’re so full of it.
 
Call me whatever you want. It’s not anything you’ve not said before, and it’s certainly not anything I don’t assume you’re already thinking about me. You’ve never had any respect for me, and I don’t think you’re going to start now.
 
Civility. Amazing. You of all people are going to lecture ME on civility. Oh, OK. Yes, this from the woman who had the nerve to tell me to my face that her deceased boyfriend was more of a man than I’ll ever be and the love of her life.


STBx: You’re to much. I feel really, really sorry for you. No worries, the day I die will be the next best day of your life. Hopefully it will come sooner than later.

Jeffree: Like I have said, save your sympathies for people you actually care about…like everyone else BUT me.

So? What? I went too far, right? Should have either just ignored her or just said here's the suitcase, safe travels.

Her hypocrisy is just so insulting. I am the most civil person going, and she wants to act as though since I wasn't all over the moon by the prospect of being able to do her a favor that I am being "nasty."

She flits in and out of my home unannounced usually whenever she wants for however long she wants, I don't say anything to her about it, and am even willing to put a piece of our luggage that is rightfully hers in the mudroom and not the garage, and it's still not good enough and causes her to take a shot... .at me.

J

[toomanydogs]

Hi Jeffree
 I'm sorry you're going through all this, and I am sorrier than you'll ever know how much I enjoyed reading what you wrote to your STBx. I got a huge vicarious thrill. You captured it all.
 Should you have written it? Sure. Sent it? Probably not, and, still, there is a part of me that enjoys reading what you wrote.
  After a while, being the "sane" person in an insane relationship gets to be too much.
 

[Aiko]

They really are almost all the same. I could picture the some exact exchange with my ex and I'm sure she has said and would've said the same exact things yours said. No accountability no remorse just what they need in the moment and it's all your fault.
Don't be too hard on yourself, stinks that you sent it,  its your next actions/response that matters more than your last. Two steps forward one step back so to speak. Use it as fuel not to do it again, don't give her the luxury of thinking your are the bad one. Remember they are UNABLE to be reasoned with.

[JNChell]

Jeffree, don’t feel bad. I’m just reaching the point in the process that I don’t react to my ex like that anymore. I must admit though that a couple of times that I went off on her like that that it was quite liberating. I don’t know if your experiences with your ex were anything like mine were regarding this, but mine would talk/yell over me EVERY time there was conflict. It was infuriating. The few times that I’ve unleashed on her through text/e-mail, she wasn’t able to do that. Maybe it’s all of that bottled up crap still coming out because we had to stuff it for so long and so often. Her last comments to you in the exchange are classic. She turned it around and played the victim. Don’t feel bad. Everything you told her was the truth. These things happen. I’m not in a spot to offer you advice. I wish I was, but I’m still early on in this crazy mess. They can’t tell the truth and they certainly can’t handle it. BTW, I should be receiving “The Four Agreements” tomorrow. Take it easy.

[Jeffree]

Remember they are UNABLE to be reasoned with.


Yes. This is what I wrestle with whenever the urge to defend myself arises.

I keep thinking that if I make our interactions unpleasant enough she will get the hint and leave me alone, because being nice certainly didn't work.

J

[Jeffree]

Oh, and the compliment she gave me about all the interior work I have done to the house was only a sugary treat to think I will do her bidding without issue.

I have been busting my butt getting the house back in shape for weeks after all she did to disrespect our home, like kick a hole in a wall, slam a big knife against the black enameled stove and chip and dent it, get her purple hair dye all over the walls and floor in the bathroom, replace one of the garish light fixtures she had hung in the kitchen while I was at work, etc. She could have said nice job anytime along the way. Never did until she needed something from me.

Hey, at least she asked instead of rummaging through my bedroom and taking what she felt belonged to her.

I also put this big stupid sun hat and platform shoes of hers on top of the luggage so she might take them, too.

I hate her.

J

[Skip]

Whoa!


This horse is not listening to me.

She politely asked to use a suitcase which you seem OK to let her use. All you had to say was yes or no.

If you're angry at her and want to blast her... .OK. But own it. You light the fuse.

I'm not picking on you. I know how this hurts. I also know that there is a divorce ahead and that it stressful and it might be a better to be cool.

[Jeffree]

Great pic. The horse needs a cartoon bubble politely asking for a piece of luggage while I am still reeling from all her madness.

I knew the one she wanted and said I would leave it for her and that she can keep it. I'm not giving her one then have to wait for her to return it for some other one she wants. I want every interaction to have a termination point.

Notice that she said she was going to pick it up, didn't say when, and never wound up swinging by. To me, that's being in limbo. Yes, I didn't pay that any mind and just went about my business.

Just like this conversation she says we have to have about S18. Nope. That's a set up. She doesn't even tell me what we have to speak about, and I am not asking. Nor am I looking to find out when she wants to have the convo. I don't care what she wants to talk about.

J

[Jeffree]

I also know that there is a divorce ahead and that it stressful and it might be a better to be cool.

You'd think, wouldn't you?

However, that bucking bronco only bucks to what it wants and is intended to only throw its riders.

J

[Jeffree]

Just blocked her from my work email.

Might move on to my personal email next.

J