Looking on some feedback on boundary issues with my 39 y o undiagnosed BPD daughter.
Short history – my daughter grew up happy and healthy, successful in school, lots of friends, but a bit of a handful in her early teens, which I thought was normal at the time. I was a single mom of 2, but she had regular interaction with her father, which she seemed to enjoy. She went on to university, got a Master’s degree with my support and entered the work force. Largely successful, getting increasingly good jobs. But she moved around a lot, and never lasted long in romantic relationships. I remember overhearing phone conversations with her colleagues, where she was angry and berating them for their work, which I thought was pretty unusual at the time – I was surprised they put up with it. Her relationship with me was (took me awhile to realize) a bit tenuous – I think now I walked on eggshells a lot to avoid confrontations. She had moved 3000 miles away from her home town, so we were in touch digitally, and sometimes travelled together and visited. She estranged from her father and brother during this period.
Fast forward to 2020 – she lost her job early in the year due to the pandemic, just after buying a house on her own with a big mortgage. She tried valiantly to get an income stream going, but I’m sure it was super stressful time for her. Later in the year, she phoned and told me that as a result of therapy and use of psychedelic drugs, she now remembered all kinds of physical and sexual abuse growing up – crazy and awful things -she said I’d whipped her every day, tried to burn her down in a garden shed, hired rapists, etc. That followed a 2 year period of total estrangement – she would not respond to any of my attempts to reach out to her. At the time, I followed advice I had received to let her be, and not turn up on her doorstep unannounced.
She got in touch a year ago and sounded terrible. I thought she might be on drugs, but I think now was maybe having a psychotic episode. I was so worried about her I called the mental health crisis team in her community who told me they thought she had stress-induced psychosis. They said anything I could do to reduce stress might help. I offered her some financial assistance as she had no income and seemed unable to get work due to her difficult behaviour. This was probably a mistake in retrospect, but I thought I was doing the best thing at the time. I gave her a monthly amount on a credit card and also paid all sorts of overdue bills – mortgage payments, utilities, vet bills, and even replaced her car when a baillif towed it away for non payment – all in an attempt to reduce stress.
During all of this, she has been incredibly abusive to me – regular emails, texts and phone calls that include swearing, name calling and obscenities. I was (maybe misguided) trying to show I was there for her no matter what and would not abandon her.
I’ve been rethinking my approach this year, as it seems to have been completely unsuccessful in helping her, plus I just can’t afford this, being retired and on a pension! Over the last year, I dipped into my savings and given her more than I make in a year (call me crazy!). Her father is not in the picture, and she has alienated all others who might offer help.
Earlier this year, I told her I was going to take a different approach and had some boundaries I was going to put into effect. I said that if she wanted further financial support from me, there were going to be conditions – polite and respectful communications, that she develop a financial plan and budget (I have offered to pay a financial advisor to assist her with this), attend regular therapy sessions (also offered to assist) and also apply for whatever financial assistance she might qualify for (I provided links she could use for this). She absolutely refuses to believe there is anything wrong with her. She blocks friends and relatives who try to suggest she get help and regularly accuses me of being the one who needs it. She refuses to apply for any kind of government assistance, as it is beneath her.
She is now going completely ballistic on the basis of my boundaries. This weekend, she sent a string of 20 rage emails using every obscene name and insult for me that she can think of. After warning this would result in blocking, I have now blocked her for 30 days. I have not responded to her rage emails.
I am still somewhat conflicted on this, which probably only people in this community might understand. I feel like her thinking is so clearly disordered, that I wonder if I should be handling this differently? While she is brilliant and has been very capable in the past, she now seems truly mentally ill, and I worry she won’t be able to figure this out. She has never been suicidal, but it is always a worry at the back of my mind. She is very isolated (lives alone),but keeps in touch with some friends and family (although she has alienated so many). I’m not totally privy to her finances – I don’t think she’ll run out of food, and I think she may have to run up a credit card without my assistance – in other words I don’t think she’ll be in any danger without it.
Looking for information/experience/reassurance about this. I am hoping that if I stick to my guns about boundaries, that this will be a positive influence on her – that she will maybe eventually realize she needs help and look for it. I might be delusional myself about that! Thank you if you have read this far - any suggestions or advice appreciated!