At 75, I’m stuck with my uhwBPD.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It looks like I I’ll have to live with my uhwBPD, for the rest of my life.  I have nowhere to run, and I can’t throw him out.  We’re both senior citizens living on modest retirement funds.  We live nicely, but he  can’t live well without my income, and vice versa.   

Lately, as he’s aging, he’s gotten worse.  There are more outbursts.  More criticisms.He’s angrier.  He’s more irritable.  He’s always anxious.  I don’t know how he can live with himself without seeking help, because I know he’s in pain. On top of that, he’s more forgetful.   I see dementia creeping in.   Nevertheless, it’s difficult for me to feel compassion, because I’m the target of his anger.

At this time, he’s so detached with reality that I no longer feel as hurt as I once felt, after a barrage of insults.  I just see him as a sick person.  I feel anger, because I can’t fight back, but I don’t feel as shaky and anxious as I’ve felt in the past.  I think it’s because I realize  I’m living in the real world, and he clearly is not.   I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak my mind or inject reality.  He’ll just tell me I’m too emotional. I’m too moody. I’m dark and evil.   It’s infuriating and frustrating.   

I wonder if his current behavior is sustainable.  He seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I’m not a mental health professional, so I can’t be sure. . It’s as if he one HUGE, EXPOSED RAW NERVE. Everything bothers him.  Maybe I’m just hoping for something to break. Because at times I wonder how long I can go on like this.   

I appreciate being able to vent here. It helps a lot.  Thank you all.   

[JazzSinger]

It looks like I I’ll have to live with my uhwBPD, for the rest of my life.  I have nowhere to run, and I can’t throw him out.  We’re both senior citizens living on modest retirement funds.  We live nicely, but he  can’t live well without my income, and vice versa.   

Lately, as he’s aging, he’s gotten worse.  There are more outbursts.  More criticisms.He’s angrier.  He’s more irritable.  He’s always anxious.  I don’t know how he can live with himself without seeking help, because I know he’s in pain. On top of that, he’s more forgetful.   I see dementia creeping in.   Nevertheless, it’s difficult for me to feel compassion, because I’m the target of his anger.

At this time, he’s so detached with reality that I no longer feel as hurt as I once felt, after a barrage of insults.  I just see him as a sick person.  I feel anger, because I can’t fight back, but I don’t feel as shaky and anxious as I’ve felt in the past.  I think it’s because I realize  I’m living in the real world, and he clearly is not.   I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak my mind or inject reality.  He’ll just tell me I’m too emotional. I’m too moody. I’m dark and evil.   It’s infuriating and frustrating.   

I wonder if his current behavior is sustainable.  He seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I’m not a mental health professional, so I can’t be sure. . It’s as if he one HUGE, EXPOSED RAW NERVE. Everything bothers him.  Maybe I’m just hoping for something to break. Because at times I wonder how long I can go on like this.   

I appreciate being able to vent here. It helps a lot.  Thank you all.   

[Pook075]

Hey Jazz.  So sorry you feel trapped.  I can't help but wonder though, why wait this long to consider walking away?  Surely there were signs throughout the past decades.  Did it only suddenly become difficult?

I will say this though.  Even at 75, it's not too late to walk away if the relationship is not sustainable.  Maybe you don't have the answers, and maybe it doesn't look like you can afford to live apart, but there are options for seniors.  Maybe they're not great options but they are there if you look for them.

Have you reached out to your local church or senior center?  It may help to understand the potential options and how they'd impact your life.

[JazzSinger]

Hey Jazz.  So sorry you feel trapped.  I can't help but wonder though, why wait this long to consider walking away?  Surely there were signs throughout the past decades.  Did it only suddenly become difficult?

I will say this though.  Even at 75, it's not too late to walk away if the relationship is not sustainable.  Maybe you don't have the answers, and maybe it doesn't look like you can afford to live apart, but there are options for seniors.  Maybe they're not great options but they are there if you look for them.

Have you reached out to your local church or senior center?  It may help to understand the potential options and how they'd impact your life.

Thanks so much, Pook075,

First off, in the beginning, 20 years ago, he was the most fun person ever.   I did notice problems here and there, but mostly anxiety and hyperactivity — not insults and criticisms. I put up with what I thought were merely his peccadilloes, and I kept in mind that he had a stressful job.  Plus, we were working and not spending as much time at home together.

By 2011, I remember distinctly that he started criticizing me  harshly and treating  me like a piece of dirt at times.  I begged him to come to couples therapy with me, but he refused. And he criticized me for even thinking about getting therapy on my own. But I did it anyway, on my lunch hour, so he’s never knew.  Eventually, he slowed down on the criticisms, and the outbursts, as I now characterize them, were few and far between — like maybe every six months.  I put up with it, because in between, he was a joy. 

If I stop to think about it, the outbursts revolved around the school year, because he was a teacher.  I put up with it, because the outbursts were short-lived, and they weren’t always about me.  But they were upsetting, for sure.  . 

Fast forward to our retirement years.  He was a nightmare the first few months, but then he slowed down.  I guess he adjusted.  We’ve been retired for 8 years.  The last two years have been extremely difficult, but the last 6-8 months have been almost impossible.  PURE HELL.  His gotten MUCH WORSE. 

I refuse to vacate my own condo-. I bought it before I met him. And if I thrown him out, his standard of living will plummet, as well as mine. 

I dunno.  I will reach out to my church.  So far, I’ve seen no discernible help from senior centers, beyond free lunches or a yoga class.  So, I feel stuck.  But I did reach out to my therapist for an appointment.  I’m sure she’ll give me some pointers. 

Thanks again. 

[Notwendy]

I think decisions about relationships get more complicated when someone is elderly. They may be disordered but also if they can't fend for themselves- walking away seems difficult too.

In general, I think that elderly people can become more emotionally labile as they age, and even without dementia, the aging brain becomes more forgetful. I recall when my sweet, wouldn't say a mean word to anyone, MIL snapped at me for something and I could see that her tolerance for things that bothered her was less.

That, in addition to having BPD is apparent with my elderly mother. I don't live with her but interactions with her are difficult. Yet, for me to completely distance myself from her also doesn't seem right due to her age and condition.

You do have the choice to leave the relationship but as you said- it's complicated to do so. One thing I have noticed with BPD mother is that- without outside interests, she is more self focused on her own feelings. I wonder now, since your H is home all the time, if this is part of it. It's also hard for BPD mother to maintain other relationships due to her BPD. She is verbally and emotionally abusive to people near her, such as her caregivers.

For your H, I wonder if there is a way to get him out of the house for a bit- adult day care, church activities for seniors, respite care. Can you get out of the house for a bit to do things as well?

I learned about resources for elder care in the US when trying to come up with suitable situations for BPD mother that might meet her needs and there isn't one that fits her well. She is currently in an assisted living that can meet her physical needs but with BPD, her emotional needs are hard to meet. Assisted living is the option that seems to be the most acceptable to her. She's more suited to skilled nursing care but refuses to go to one.

When my father was ill, and she was still very active, I thought about assisted living because there, one spouse could be at a higher care level and the other one didn't need to be, but my parents refused this idea. If I could offer some advice it's this: I looked into this situation because my BPD mother is not capable of being a caregiver. Dad's needs could be met in assisted living. I would suggest you have a plan in place in the event that you need care because, your H is probably not capable of helping you.

You don't have to leave your condo. Care at home is possible. We had to move BPD mother out of her home for different reasons. If you are living in the US, learn about what Medicare covers and doesn't cover. It doesn't cover long term care. For people who have limited income, Medicaid may be possible- but there are rules about eligibility and also rules for spouses- how to keep your home and preserve some other assets. I consulted an elder care attorney to learn about how to navigate all this.

From what you are describing, it appears your H is beginning to need more care. Being a caregiver to anyone requires boundaries and self care and being a caregiver to someone with BPD especially does. Know your limits and also what resources are available to assist you with him and also for yourself if that need arises in the future. You are 75 years young-  have your own activities and friends outside the home.

[JazzSinger]

I think decisions about relationships get more complicated when someone is elderly. They may be disordered but also if they can't fend for themselves- walking away seems difficult too.

In general, I think that elderly people can become more emotionally labile as they age, and even without dementia, the aging brain becomes more forgetful. I recall when my sweet, wouldn't say a mean word to anyone, MIL snapped at me for something and I could see that her tolerance for things that bothered her was less.

For your H, I wonder if there is a way to get him out of the house for a bit- adult day care, church activities for seniors, respite care. Can you get out of the house for a bit to do things as well?

NotWendy,

Thank you so much for sharing about your mom.

Indeed, my H has gotten worse since he’s  gotten older, and I sense that a bit of dementia is creeping in as well. He’s far more irritable and verbally abusive than ever before. 

He’s a very fine musician, so his instruments often keep him busy all day long.  I sing, so we sometimes make music together. Thank God   we still have that.  He’s never mean and nasty when he’s playing his instruments.  He also has musician friends who occasionally come over to play with him. And he likes to get out and walk. 

There’s no shortage of things to do for either of us.  I have lots of friends and we’re always meeting for lunch.  I go to see  movies in my own (he’s lost interest), , and I have a gym membership.  I have to get out of the house, or he’ll drive me crazy.  I’ve often felt like going to the emergency room because he’s pushed me into such a traumatized state at times.  It’s not easy. 

And I’m afraid that walking away, or throwing him out, would take more energy, time, planning, and money than I currently have. 

I’m going to start seeing my therapist again, as needed. 

Thanks so much.

[Notwendy]

Please don't hesitate to get help for him if he needs more caregiving as he ages. Caregiving anyone is challenging but with BPD it's challenging as they tend to project their frustration and anxious feelings. The idea of not enabling and letting them face the consequences of their behavior gets fuzzy as in some ways, they really do need assistance. It'a also normal for an elderly person to be frustrated at having less control.

BPD mother can be emotionally and verbally abusive with her caregivers but it's a fraction of how she treats the people closest to her. It is better that she's in an assisted living.

With limited funding you can begin a Medicaid spend down plan ( if you are in the US) which can possibly make Medicaid assistance available to you and your H if qualified. There could be some home care or skilled nursing care if his needs become greater than you can help with. Elder care attorneys help people plan ahead for this- while they have resources.

With my BPD mother, her emotional needs are higher than her physical needs. So while she doesn't need a lot of assistance with her daily tasks, emotionally she needs a lot of attention. Please don't take on too much with your H and it's OK to get help with him if you need to.