BPD breakup crossroads

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, last posted about my relationship in September 2022. My long-term relationship with my borderline fiancé is at a crossroads. Two weeks ago there was a blowup, and we haven’t had any contacts since. I truly love my fiancé, but have been worn down over the years enduring all the negative episodes. It’s the typical story of wonderful highs most of the time mixed very negative lows. My question is are pwBPD capable of real love? If not, it seems false to continue with a relationship with someone who really doesn’t care about me, but it’s just using me to fill a need, and if I don’t feel it, she will just replace me with someone else. Any help is greatly appreciated. It’s very difficult to walk away from someone you love.

[Mushu]

Hi everyone, last posted about my relationship in September 2022. My long-term relationship with my borderline fiancé is at a crossroads. Two weeks ago there was a blowup, and we haven’t had any contacts since. I truly love my fiancé, but have been worn down over the years enduring all the negative episodes. It’s the typical story of wonderful highs most of the time mixed very negative lows. My question is are pwBPD capable of real love? If not, it seems false to continue with a relationship with someone who really doesn’t care about me, but it’s just using me to fill a need, and if I don’t feel it, she will just replace me with someone else. Any help is greatly appreciated. It’s very difficult to walk away from someone you love.

[kells76]

Hi Mushu, thanks for coming back and giving us the update -- though I know you wish it were better news.

Two weeks ago there was a blowup, and we haven’t had any contacts since.

What was the blowup about? Was it just verbal, or more? And where are you and she staying right now?

I truly love my fiancé, but have been worn down over the years enduring all the negative episodes. It’s the typical story of wonderful highs most of the time mixed very negative lows.

That's really common to experience in a relationship with a pwBPD.

Has she ever received a diagnosis? Is she in any kind of treatment at all?

The highs and lows can be exhausting. I can say this -- whether you stay with her or decide to end things, the worst position to be in is staying, but with a leaving mindset and no practice with tools/skills. Kind of a "worst of both worlds" situation.

As you keep thinking through what you want to do, why not check out the "Bettering a relationship" board lessons? Worst case scenario is that even if the two of you go separate ways, you end up with much better relational skills. And best case scenario is that you, making changes on your own, may be able to impact the relationship dynamic positively enough that it becomes livable for you. What do you think?

My question is are pwBPD capable of real love? If not, it seems false to continue with a relationship with someone who really doesn’t care about me, but it’s just using me to fill a need, and if I don’t feel it, she will just replace me with someone else.

The question of whether she is capable of "real" love is a big one and nuanced. If she has BPD, then she has impairments in thoughts, perceptions, and emotional regulation. Yet she's a human being like you -- I don't think it's accurate to say she can't feel love or isn't capable of loving. She may struggle with impairments around accurately perceiving and experiencing love.

Please take a look at our thread on Did she ever love me?, started by a BPDfamily educator diagnosed with and in recovery from BPD, and let us know your thoughts on it.

It’s very difficult to walk away from someone you love.

It is. This is nowhere near easy.

[Mushu]

Hi kells76,
Thank you for your response. My pwBPD fiancee was going to meet her friend for an early dinner asked me to drop her off, then pick her up afterwards so that we could spend the rest of the evening together. She told me I should meet my friends in the mean time for a drink. Everything was totally fine and loving when I dropped her off. After about an hour and 20 minutes I txted her " Hi honey " as I was going to the restroom, as I was going back to the table I heard her text tone on my phone in my pocket, I thought she was just saying hi back and didn't" check it right away due to the short time frame she had been with her friend. After about 15 minutes I saw the txt which said her friends husband was there and that she got a ride home with heart, kisses and heart eyes emoji"s attached. I immediately called her and asked what was going on? that I was supposed to pick her up so we could spend the rest of the evening, she sounded mad and said "I'm good, I've got a ride ", I asked her again what was going on and got the same response. So I stayed where I was for a while and called her on my way home. She went off the deep end on the phone and told me we were through and how could I let her friends drive her home along with her usual cruel devaluation of me, so I drove home. the next morning I txt'd her " good morning sexy sugar" w/emoji's and got back a flat "good morning". That's our usual routine, we have a great evening, she often flips on me, devalues me, I argue back and the next day we act like it never happened. I have never set boundaries and have been indoctrinated into this pattern over the 10 year span of our multiple break up relationship. That txt was at the start of my 24hr shift at work, we were obviously both mad and didn't adhere to our txt or call every hour and a half. I did have a busy day at training and was with my crew all day, then txt'd her at 2pm. I explained my day and asked her in depth what had happened the night before in an apologetic way as I have been trained to take responsibility for everything. She responded with "honey and emoji's and said thank you for your explanation, but said I was her ride to and from "I was counting on YOU and trusted YOU to have my back and put me before your friends! I honestly thought there's no way he'd let my friends drive me home! He would most certainly not let that happen!!! He will leave... he will say NO! I am on my way! That didn't happen. You were cool with letting things happen.. honestly, I was so so so hurt!!! Love you too w/emoji's" I txt'd back I was sorry she was hurt and that I would've come as soon as she she told me she was ready and I didn't know why she told me not to come. She txt'd back thank you, asked why I hadn't called and that she loved me. I told her I didn't want to have important phone calls while I was at work and that I love her. She responded, ok honey w/emoji's and love you too. The next morning as I got off work, txt'd good morning sugar w/emoji's she responded with good morning honey w/emoji"s. When I got home I called her and asked if we could talk that afternoon as we had plans previously to spend it together, she said no, she had made plans for the afternoon already and I should have called the night before. I told her to cancel her plans for us and she said no, we all make choices. We argued briefly about what had happened and then she told me I had said that night to just have her friends drop her off at the bar I was at, that is a total fabrication, I never said that at all, it put me over the edge, I yelled "I LOVE YOU" and hung up on her. We haven't spoke since, that was 2 weeks ago. At first I was done, relieved at being released from the 24/7 fight or flight stress and anxiety I've lived with for our entire relationship. Also fed up with being subjected to this kind of abuse without at any time any where without provocation. Had she just called me to pick her up, I would have, she never gave me the chance.
   There are more episodes like this than I can count or remember, I know it's had a negative effect on my well being, and that my own issues have allowed it to go on. Although this happens way too frequently, it's still 85% amazing and wonderful when we're together. While I thought I was finally done, I feel like I can't get closure without talking to her about what happened, maybe it's just me trying to hang on and stay connected.
   I asked about love because I know she has an illness. We had an 8 month breakup several years ago and I had been corresponding with a BPD therapist that said the relationship had not been authentic anyways. After 2 weeks I honestly feel she has already replaced me, I can't imagine her on her own and she is very attractive, and would have no trouble getting a new guy immediately.