Advice when S.O. with uBPD refuses to accept responsibility?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hey everyone I’ve got a question.  What should I do when my partner with undiagnosed BPD refuses to accept responsibility for her behaviors?

This is my second post on here. I’ve had a difficult time with my wife.  My first post lays a lot of the story out. 

Her mom and sister are diagnosed BPD.  But my wife refuses to consider that she could have it.  She is in therapy - but is not seeking help for “BPD” type issues.  From what I understand she discusses mostly how terrible she feels her life is, and how depression is impacting her.

I’m so frustrated and torn. 

My wife will go on multi day outbursts.  Teetering between laughing and happiness but on the brink of a freak out every single day at any given moment.  Her triggers vary from crumbs on the counter - to me coming a little later to bed, me not hearing what she said, (means I’m not listening), me not texting back fast enough. The list of what upsets her is MASSIVE. I can’t even list them all here. 

I’m on eggshells every moment.  Constantly changing my behavior and putting in so much effort to please her.  But she’s seemingly unpleased at any effort I put int.  There’s always the next thing I’m not doing for her.  It’s the most sad and infuriating thing I’ve ever experienced.

She will lash out - and I mean full on insulting me.  My manhood.  My family.  My Choices. My Ego.  telling me I’m “an asshole like my father”.  Just go on and on and on about how im making her life terrible here and preventing her from achieving her dreams.

She will act like she’s the only person doing EVERYTHING in our lives. 

The reality is far different.  I provide so much in terms of money, time, and effort in our lives and marriage. 

But she constantly feels like the scale is always tipped out of her favor.

She will go into a blind rage - and then blame the whole episode on ME.  Accuse me of being the one who was yelling. 

I will sit there and just listen for hours. Ask her 1 sentence questions as to what she’s upset about and let her go into 15-20 minute rants.  Some of it is just her venting - but it always leads to insulting me. As I sit there and calmly tell her how that makes ME feel. She blames it on me.

I will kneel down on my knees and approach her arms wide trying to hug her, tell her she’s ok.  Remind her I love her.  She will scream push, flail, maybe hit me, and push me away and accuse me of attacking her.  But she attacked me??

I will ensure days of this.   

Verbal lashings, sometimes her throwing things or pacing around the house angrily moving things around, slamming doors. 

The more I seem to stay calm.  The faster and harder she rages.

Until i react.  Once I yell back.  Or get so mad after she keeps insulting, insulting and insulting me as I calmly beg her to stop.  I will hit a wall
Or walk out and slam a door. 

I’m no angel, I’ve gotten angry in all this.  I know I’m patient though. 

The most MESSED UP AND INFURIATING PART.

Once I give her anger back - once I slam a door.  Or leave or say something mean back….

She will immidaitelt ramp up further… but then shortly after calm down.  Start being happy.  Laughing making “normal jokes”.   She is happy and laughing playing with the dog like nothing happened.

She’ll pretend like nothing happened.

And I sit there in shame.  Feeling terrible about what I DID.

Now if I try to discuss what just happened, ALL she will focus on is what I just did.  Whatever things she was just FLIPPING OUT about for hours or days - never happened.  She like skirts around talking about it, with happy tone sarcasm and just seminding me of what I just did. 

Now she has the REAL blame on me she’s been fantasizing and talking about.  It’s like she speaks her own misery into existence. 

And I feel terrible saying that, because at the end of the day I’m responsible for what I do and say. 

Yet if I bring up any of the insults or days of lash outs she redirects to whatever I did.

So I’m stuck walking out of every situation feeling like the bad guy. 

She’s unable to talk about her own downfalls or wrong doings.  Mean things she’s said. It’s like they don’t exist in her head or she justifies the behavior with XYZ thing I said or did 6 months or 2 years ago. 

She invalidates how she makes ME FEEL, yet complains and insults for hours about how she’s the one invalidated. 

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel as she flips out on me and then accuses the freak out on me.  And it seems she digs deeper and deeper until i give a negative reaction.   

The only time she seems to ever apologize is if I’m so mad and insulted I stop talking to her, or I’m in agonizing emotional pain or stress . It’s like she WILL. NOT. Say sorry until she sees me crumpled over crying refusing to talk to her, or after I explode and scream after taking days of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. 

I feel controlled and abused.  It’s terrible. 

Anyway I’ll keep ranting if I don’t stop now.  I’ve had a hard week.   

I appreciate you all.

[Tokiarch]

Hey everyone I’ve got a question.  What should I do when my partner with undiagnosed BPD refuses to accept responsibility for her behaviors?

This is my second post on here. I’ve had a difficult time with my wife.  My first post lays a lot of the story out. 

Her mom and sister are diagnosed BPD.  But my wife refuses to consider that she could have it.  She is in therapy - but is not seeking help for “BPD” type issues.  From what I understand she discusses mostly how terrible she feels her life is, and how depression is impacting her.

I’m so frustrated and torn. 

My wife will go on multi day outbursts.  Teetering between laughing and happiness but on the brink of a freak out every single day at any given moment.  Her triggers vary from crumbs on the counter - to me coming a little later to bed, me not hearing what she said, (means I’m not listening), me not texting back fast enough. The list of what upsets her is MASSIVE. I can’t even list them all here. 

I’m on eggshells every moment.  Constantly changing my behavior and putting in so much effort to please her.  But she’s seemingly unpleased at any effort I put int.  There’s always the next thing I’m not doing for her.  It’s the most sad and infuriating thing I’ve ever experienced.

She will lash out - and I mean full on insulting me.  My manhood.  My family.  My Choices. My Ego.  telling me I’m “an asshole like my father”.  Just go on and on and on about how im making her life terrible here and preventing her from achieving her dreams.

She will act like she’s the only person doing EVERYTHING in our lives. 

The reality is far different.  I provide so much in terms of money, time, and effort in our lives and marriage. 

But she constantly feels like the scale is always tipped out of her favor.

She will go into a blind rage - and then blame the whole episode on ME.  Accuse me of being the one who was yelling. 

I will sit there and just listen for hours. Ask her 1 sentence questions as to what she’s upset about and let her go into 15-20 minute rants.  Some of it is just her venting - but it always leads to insulting me. As I sit there and calmly tell her how that makes ME feel. She blames it on me.

I will kneel down on my knees and approach her arms wide trying to hug her, tell her she’s ok.  Remind her I love her.  She will scream push, flail, maybe hit me, and push me away and accuse me of attacking her.  But she attacked me??

I will ensure days of this.   

Verbal lashings, sometimes her throwing things or pacing around the house angrily moving things around, slamming doors. 

The more I seem to stay calm.  The faster and harder she rages.

Until i react.  Once I yell back.  Or get so mad after she keeps insulting, insulting and insulting me as I calmly beg her to stop.  I will hit a wall
Or walk out and slam a door. 

I’m no angel, I’ve gotten angry in all this.  I know I’m patient though. 

The most MESSED UP AND INFURIATING PART.

Once I give her anger back - once I slam a door.  Or leave or say something mean back….

She will immidaitelt ramp up further… but then shortly after calm down.  Start being happy.  Laughing making “normal jokes”.   She is happy and laughing playing with the dog like nothing happened.

She’ll pretend like nothing happened.

And I sit there in shame.  Feeling terrible about what I DID.

Now if I try to discuss what just happened, ALL she will focus on is what I just did.  Whatever things she was just FLIPPING OUT about for hours or days - never happened.  She like skirts around talking about it, with happy tone sarcasm and just seminding me of what I just did. 

Now she has the REAL blame on me she’s been fantasizing and talking about.  It’s like she speaks her own misery into existence. 

And I feel terrible saying that, because at the end of the day I’m responsible for what I do and say. 

Yet if I bring up any of the insults or days of lash outs she redirects to whatever I did.

So I’m stuck walking out of every situation feeling like the bad guy. 

She’s unable to talk about her own downfalls or wrong doings.  Mean things she’s said. It’s like they don’t exist in her head or she justifies the behavior with XYZ thing I said or did 6 months or 2 years ago. 

She invalidates how she makes ME FEEL, yet complains and insults for hours about how she’s the one invalidated. 

I just don’t know what to do or how to feel as she flips out on me and then accuses the freak out on me.  And it seems she digs deeper and deeper until i give a negative reaction.   

The only time she seems to ever apologize is if I’m so mad and insulted I stop talking to her, or I’m in agonizing emotional pain or stress . It’s like she WILL. NOT. Say sorry until she sees me crumpled over crying refusing to talk to her, or after I explode and scream after taking days of verbal and sometimes physical abuse. 

I feel controlled and abused.  It’s terrible. 

Anyway I’ll keep ranting if I don’t stop now.  I’ve had a hard week.   

I appreciate you all.

[ForeverDad]

Letting her continue on long rants blaming you is a favorite past time, we get that.  She's essentially walking (stomping) over normal boundaries.  The problem is that acting-out persons such as with BPD allow their aggressive venting to get way out of control and you suffering it is a form of appeasing, just as demanded apologies can be appeasing.

Since people with BPD (pwBPD) resist boundaries, it is up to us to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves.  That may not make sense at first but browse our Boundaries articles over on our Tools and Skills workshops board.

In short, our boundaries - which we share in advance and if possible not in the midst of an incident - can include how we respond when the other behaves poorly.  Those articles go into more details but the basics are something like this:  "I you do or don't do ___ then in response I calmly will or will not do ___." Of course you don't state your boundary so bluntly, this is just a simplistic diagram.

Above you stated you might leave and slam the door behind you.  Leaving can be good, it gives the other time and space to calm down.  But slamming the door in frustration as you exit, well, that's not conducive to calming the incident.

So instead simply state that nothing constructive is happening  and you're going for a walk, to the park, to the grocery store, whatever, to give your spouse time to reset or whatever.

Yes, it's not a perfect solution nor a lasting one but it deals with the immediate incident.  That's typically the approach police use if they're called to a domestic scene.  They don't expect to 'fix' the issues, often it's far beyond their ability and training to be counselors or mediators.  Their goal is to calm the immediate incident and often it is accomplished by separating the arguing/fighting couple.  The down side for us males is that regardless who is causing the incident, it's usually the man who gets carted off.  (As the robot always advised: Warning, Will Robinson.)

If you have kids, then you can take the kids with you (unsaid: for them too to have a break from the ranting and raging).  (Be prepared how you will respond if she demands the kids don't go with you.)

[kells76]

Hi Tokiarch,

Yes, it's so frustrating that a feature of BPD is the "heels dug in" resistance to accepting responsibility.

A couple of important tools come to mind here.

One is what ForeverDad mentioned, which is boundaries.

Real boundaries aren't ultimatums, requests of her, hopes/dreams/wishes, or things you want other people to do or be.

Real boundaries are 100% under our control, and are rules for us about what we'll accept in our lives.

You do have the option, like FD said, of sharing your boundary verbally with her during a time when you both are regulated and calm. The nice thing, though, is that that isn't a requirement. Boundaries are about what we do, not what we say, explain, plead, threaten, or argue.

You can decide for yourself, ahead of time, how much of her raging you can tolerate. (Hint: I'd set the time limit pretty low. You listening to hours of her raging is not good for you and not good for her -- it isn't helping her be healthy).

You can decide in your head, for example, a true boundary: "I am able to listen to 10 minutes of my partner being upset. After that, I will leave the room and go on a walk/go to the store/go to the library/sit in the car/be elsewhere". This is 100% under your control. Of course, if she blocks the exit, makes threats, stands behind the car, etc, then that's a different scenario and you may need law enforcement (it isn't OK to block someone from trying to leave an argument).

...

The second tool that comes to mind is radical acceptance.

It is so, so, so frustrating and crazy-making to keep beating our heads against the wall of BPD traits and behaviors. Believe me, I know (my H's kids' mom has many BPD traits and behaviors, and she married someone with many NPD traits and behaviors. Please know that I get it -- we have a double dose of PDs to deal with).

Yet there is nothing we can do to change them. She is who she is -- and the sooner we can accept that only she can change herself, the sooner we can stop trying to change her, which is a dead end that escalates frustration.

Radical acceptance does not mean accepting abuse, or accepting that "well then I guess everything she does is just fine, then". It does mean that we stop trying to hope that we can change them, that we accept that she is who she is right now and what I see is what I get. It's about not pretending that abuse isn't happening, not pretending that "the real her is underneath all that", etc.

We can also accept that the only persons we can change are ourselves. We have no power to change anyone else. We have to "hit rock bottom" with that acceptance before we can understand how much power we do have -- we can change our part of the dynamic, and who knows, that may change "the dance".

Her not accepting responsibility for her choices/actions is a feature, not a bug, of having BPD. This is who she is, until she decides for herself to get help for problems she thinks she has (not problems you think she has).

Not sure if you've had a chance to read I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help by Dr. Xavier Amador? Check it out -- it's an incredibly helpful explanation of why we can't make others get help for our distress about them. And, how to partner with someone coping with mental illness to understand what they think their problems are (regardless of what we think their problems are).

...

Finally, while boundaries are to protect you, emotional validation can help to rebuild and reconnect the two of you. Validation is intertwined with boundaries -- it's not a "one or the other" choice.

One example of how all this can work together could be here:

She will act like she’s the only person doing EVERYTHING in our lives.

The reality is far different.  I provide so much in terms of money, time, and effort in our lives and marriage.

But she constantly feels like the scale is always tipped out of her favor.

Her: "I do everything in our lives. Nobody else helps, it's all me"

You (emotional validation): "Wow, that would feel exhausting". (And leave it there -- no fixing, no explanation, no arguing, no placating).

Her (option 1 is she feels connected): "Yes, I'm so exhausted, it's a lot".

at that point, you may be able to safely stay in the conversation. You haven't agreed with her "facts" but you can relate (perhaps better than she knows) to Yes, it would feel so tiring to be doing it all.

or

Her (option 2 is she continues to dysregulate): "I don't care what you think, you have no idea, I do everything for this family, you're nothing"

You: "I'm going on a walk. I'll be back later".

Nobody is helped by you receiving her abuse. You get to leave and not participate in accepting it.

...

I know this is a lot -- let's keep talking about it.

...

P.S. Two more thoughts.

One is if you aren't in the room with the therapist telling you stuff, then you're hearing your partner's take on "what my therapist said". Take it with a grain of salt.

The other is that if she has BPD, then life itself is triggering to her. It's not like bipolar, for example, where there's a short list of triggers as far as I've heard (violent movies, caffeine, etc). So it makes sense that anything and everything can "trigger" her... because that's a feature of BPD.

[SinisterComplex]

"Real boundaries are 100% under our control, and are rules for us about what we'll accept in our lives."

^^^This particular phrase from my cohort here is what you will see me say in various different ways on the boards. The reason is that boundaries are commonly overlooked and often misunderstood. Always practice the mindfulness that boundaries are for you, not other people. This way you set yourself up for success and less drama and headaches.

To implement boundaries I also encourage you to practice being firm and indifferent. The firm part being that you do not relent on your boundary and the indifferent part being that you do not engage in emotionally charged way to conflict when you enforce your boundary.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-