Thanks notwendy for your insight as a child. Very helpful.

Looking for recommendations for re-engaging after a rage. My wife, dBPD, goes into a rage and I leave the room, don't engage, and spend several days keeping to myself, not engaging, and now that I've found this blog, turn to here for re-assurance, advice, and comfort. I also pull "Stop Walking on eggshells" which helps me keep things in perspective and gives me some reassurance. My difficulty is re-engaging at some point after a rage. I certainly am not going to revisit the subject of the rage or even acknowledge the rage. I know from past experience that no good can come from this.

What is the best way to re-engage, things to avoid, as well as things that may be helpful.

Thanks
Mad Dog.

Thanks Kells. I wonder if its people with BPD who get triggered and hack this site.

Interesting I hadn't thought about this. I would have to suggest this. Currently she was looking for them but having no luck as they are busy. I will make sure I am involved in briefing them. Currently her friends and advisers have told her (she says) that our marriage therapist is unprofessional /biased, obviously based on her one sided story to her multiple advisors (she would not name). I tried to tell her we met the therapist at the same time how could she be biased and unprofessional. She said well I don't know if you had met her before.... I really think she thinks there is some conspiracy going on. The same thing happened years ago when she didnt like the therapist saying she had something wrong. Honestly feeling really sad and hopeless at the moment and stuck.

She has texted me a few times and that is usually the best way to communicate with her. She and I have always been very close but she also blames her BPD on me and childhood trauma (which I struggle with understanding - I’m not perfect but she was a very difficult child even when she was very young.) it’s a complicated relationship. She has a younger sister but they are not that close and, to be honest, she treated her sister horribly so the fact her sister even tries to help her is surprising. No other family that she is close with or trusts. The one friend she went to visit was her best friend from childhood but the friend tried to establish boundaries on their living arrangement and my daughter up and left. She truly is out there in her own and has very little money to live on. She doesn’t really know how to adult. When she worked for three years she basically lived like a hoarder and I would have to go in and clean up periodically. She has even left her cat behind with the bf ?or ex-bf.).I’m overwhelmed with how bad things have become in less than a year. She went from a respectable public facing job to becoming practically homeless.

SJK,

My stepdaughter's story has many, many parallels.  When she was in our home, she did the exact same things and behaved the exact same way.  She's also very pretty and fairly smart.  But her choices were neither pretty nor smart.

The good news is that my stepdaughter is doing fairly well now, by living on her own, working part-time and taking a couple of classes.  She's found new friends and is on a path towards making an adult life for herself.

The bad news is that she had to hit bottom, before she realized she needed to change to get better.  You can see some of my others posts about what her bottom looked like.

My advice, sadly, is not to ENABLE your daughter to continue with the status quo of leeching off you, treating you poorly in your household, not contributing at home, taking illicit drugs, not working or studying, not getting treatment, etc.  You need to get that car back because it sounds like she stole it.  She can decide to treat you civilly in your home and contribute (through chores, rent, etc.), or she gets kicked out.  If the former, life becomes bearable.  If the latter, that's her choice, and she'll shape up or hit a bottom and realize she needs help to clean up, learn emotional resilience and grow up.

I don't have an answer for you but I'm in the same position myself. I'm posting this from an airplane where SO is seated a few rows away. This most recent trip made it clear that "we both need to end this" as you say.

She will try to convince me to stay involved in some form. Mostly she probably needs me financially. But she'll survive without me. I don't want to have to explain and JADE why I'm leaving. She'll twist it so I question my own feelings and start to think maybe I really don't want to leave. I do.

Strongly considering walking off this plane straight into NC. I'll keep you posted.

I'll be watching here for additional suggestions about 'how'.

Stay strong Trebor - you can do it!

I'm inspired by your post - thank you.

I'm currently about to do the same thing. Dealing with a wall of indifference. Small glimpses of emotion followed by long periods of blank stares and emotionless words. No affection. No physical touch.

But then it returns for a few minutes! It's hard to walk away when these small rewards keep popping up randomly. Random positive reinforcement is the most addictive behavioral trigger known to science.

Regardless of whether it's diagnosed BPD or not, it makes us feel bad, and we can choose to not accept being treated that way.

Hang in there.

Hi sjk189, glad you landed here with us.

It's such a vast canyon between theoretically accepting that it's your child's life to live, and really accepting it from the heart. My H has two kids (their mom has many BPD type traits) and while "on paper" I could tell you that I know I don't control their lives or journeys, there is so much pain in fearing the worst for your kids.

Is your D27 in touch with any other family members (siblings, cousins, aunts/uncles) where it is a positive connection? Sometimes close family (parents) can be "too close to hear". I know my older sister (not BPD), who has chosen to go no contact with my parents, has a volatile relationship with them, but gets along great with me and my younger sister.

I'm wondering if it might be easier to "release" your D27 if you knew there was some kind of family safety net or family member connection that she maintained (or even trusted friend who also was in touch with you).


Is she in touch with you any other way (phone, text, email)? Are any of those communication avenues calmer than others?

Hi all,
My BPD 27 year old daughter moved out a couple of months ago to live with her bf (she had been living with us for six months and was not working, going to therapy, or doing anything around the house. Sat in her room and smoked weed.) We basically had told her she has to leave because we couldn't deal with her constant rages and we even told her we would help her find a residential treatment center to get her some much needed help.  She came back a month later "to visit" and didn't leave for another month. Finally she went back to bf and then one day later got in her car and drove cross country to a friend in Colorado (we live on the East Coast.) After one week, friend kicked her out and now she is driving who knows where (and it's not even her car - it's a family member's.) Friend said she was smoking all the time and talking to men online and meeting up with some. I am so sad and stressed worrying about her. She is smart and very pretty, and very convincing that she is just fine until you really get talking to her. Then her narcissistic tendencies become apparent and when she rages, she is frightening. Our therapist says just let her go, it's her journey. But I don't want to get a phone call telling me something horrible has happened to her. We (dad and I) want to help her but it's so difficult to talk to her. I don't want to scare her away. She doesn't know that we know what has happened with the friend - the friend told us. And i can see on social media her manic posts. I want to try and reach out to her, but afraid that will push her away for good. Any advice is welcome.