IMPULSIVE DECISION ON DOG DBPDSO(GF)

[islingtongirl]

Hi Everyone,

I was hoping you could please give me some advice on a very difficult situation that has popped up with my BPD girlfriend. A little background information: together for 6 months but friends for 5 years, don't live together, she is on medication but is in a very bad place at the moment and recently was in hospital for a week and is going into an intensive live in program in two months time. She is a self harmer and is very impulsive.

We are moving 12 hrs away together to live together in 6 months time so I can pursue my chosen career. We both love animals and our housemates in both houses have dogs but we don't have our own. She has had this idea in her head that to function she needs her own dog and that even though she is not working at the moment due to her mental health, has no real savings and cannot even look after herself let alone another being, she desperately wants a dog because she "gets along better with animals than humans and while not working its the perfect time to train a puppy and its the perfect therapy". Frustratingly, her housemates support this. I seem to be the only one that sees that its an impulse BPD move and that It will only create havoc, especially since she is booked in to do an intensive 4 week stay in hospital soon.

She recently told me that I shouldn't get a fish even though I desperately wanted one because it would be too hard to take with us to Melbourne and because its an impulse move (I'm not BPD). I decided that she was correct and put aside my desires and decided to wait.

She currently is away looking after her younger cousins and she loves Border Collie dogs. I am currently sick and was very tired and not thinking properly. Last night I stupidly sent her a picture of a cross breed that was just rescued from the pound and was on a rescue group's Facebook page because I thought she would think he was cute and be touched by his rescue story. She then decided that she wanted him at all costs even though he was a cross breed and she always wanted a pure bred. She argued with me that its the perfect time to get one and that she needs one right now. It was all my fault for sending her the picture and that I am not being understanding of her current situation at all. We had a huge argument via text message (she refuses to talk on the phone) and no matter how much I apologised she still made me out to be the devil.

She has now decided that she needs a dog immediately to be hers, even though I have begged her to wait until we move so we can get one together and start a "family" as it would mean the world to me to do it together. She thinks that my reasoning is stupid and she wants a dog for her, not for us, and that my feelings that I will just be a dog "step parent" instead of doing it together is stupid and invalid. She called me immature and continued on the fight at all costs. She said my reasoning of that it will limit our rental property options when we move is a stupid reason not to get a dog (when I think its a perfectly important and logical reason) and that her housemates can look after the puppy when she is in hospital. She said that I just have to come to terms with the fact that she is getting a dog before we move and that's that.

I swallowed my pride and asked if we could "kiss" and make up and move on. She said okay, but then was cold over text message and hasn't text me today. My anxiety is out of control and I had nightmares because of the stress last night. She doesn't understand that her getting a dog affects me in every way emotionally and with our moving prospects. Does anyone have any advice on how I can defuse the situation and put back her decision on getting a dog until later? I know that I kind of brought this situation by myself but I just know this is not the right time and she has only decided this because of her headspace. Any advice would be incredibly appreciated because I just feel so lost and deflated. Sorry for such a long post    :'( 

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[Inquisitive1]

The impulsivity of pwBPD can be frustrating, especially when they get that need to have something right away, I've seen that in my wife. She get's strong impulses to have tings right away.

As much as I sympathize with you, I think it is a mistake for you to try to control someone else. You've got to learn that you can only control yourself. You listed a number of good reasons to wait on getting a dog. But, at the end of the day, she's an adult, if she wants to get a dog she can and will, that's out of your control.

[enlighten me]

My exgf wanted a dog for her birthday. She spent a month looking on the internet and even told the children she was getting one. I got her the dog she wanted and she spends half the time moaning about how expensive it is and that she didn't really want a dog.

I guess as soon as it became hard work it wasn't as much fun.

My ex wife ended up with 4 dogs. When we split up she got rid of two at the drop of a hat. One of which we had a major argument about as I had said 3 dogs was more than enough and not to get any more. She went out and got her anyway while I was working abroad.

[Inquisitive1]

Adding to what I wrote previously. My wife has been talking about getting a third dog and I've said no. I've said when you live together things like adding dogs need to be agreed to by both partners and she's respected that. Getting a dog is different than getting a new TV.

Best of luck, I1

[islingtongirl]

Hi Inquisitive1 and enlighten me,

Thank you for your responses, I really appreciate your input. You are right I1, I can only control myself and not her, no matter how frustrating it is. I'm hoping that after a couple of days once it dies down, she will 'forget' about it for a while and we can revisit it when we actually live together. I'm glad you were able to set boundaries with your wife about the third dog. It definitely has more weight when you live together (which my partner and I currently don't).

enlighten me, I'm so sorry you have had those experiences with both your ex wife and exgf. Its such a shame that they both didn't appreciate what they had. I am very worried that my gf will do the same, or the dog will end up with her parents etc.

Since I wrote this her best friend (who she used to live with) just announced on facebook that she bought a puppy from a brand new litter that will be ready in 7 weeks (perfect timing right?). I'm hoping that her best friend won't encourage her to buy one from the same litter, especially because its not even the breed that she wants, and that may be a further excuse to get rid of said dog later.

For now she is still away with her cousins. Our sparse messaging is slowly getting better and I can feel the warmth start to come back. Hopefully by the time she gets back things will be back to normal and this idea will be put on the back burner... .

Thanks again for your responses, I really appreciate it 

[enlighten me]

One thing I forgot to mention is the reason behind them getting dogs. I work away a lot which I now realise is probably the worst thing you can do with a BPD relationship. I realise that the dogs where more about company and not being abandoned. A dog doesn't abandon its owner and no matter how theyre treated (to a point) will always give their love.

This is what a BPD wants more than anything in the world from a relationship. This is probably why the urge is so strong and why reasoning goes out of the window.

I wish you luck and hope that the reality of getting a dog before moving in together works out.

[Inquisitive1]

I agree Enlighten, BPD's may find canine companionship especially alluring and important. My wife certainly gets a lot out of our dogs.

Islington, you may want to use the SET technique when communicating about this topic. here's the link to a description of it at bpdfamily.com.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Here's a quick, possibly horribly flawed, sketch of how you might use SET in this situation.

Support: I want to help you get a dog.

Empathy: I think a dog could be a wonderful addition to our lives that could provide a lot of love and companionship.

Truth: From a practical perspective, it makes a lot more sense to get a dog once we've settled into our new situation.

One other note, my dBPDw never agrees with me in the heat of a fight. But, when I clearly express a compelling truth and avoid JADE'ing, she'll often come around later, on her own. SET is a great way to set up stating a difficult truth.