Strong Urge to Write Letter to BPDex

[nolisan]

 NC for 15 weeks. Last time I saw her I told her to GTFO. She left and replied with an email that she never wanted to hear/see me again. Good I thought ... .  

But here I am still angry and hurt ... .  so much stuff unresolved. I have an urge to give her one blast of how much she hurt me (emotionally and financially). I confess ... .  I want to make her feel bad. I feel the need for some revenge ... .  to give her a taste of her own medicine. She has got away with this crap all her life ... .  she runs when reality starts to get to close.

I have written a dozen of these letters ... .  and not sent them. Will the urge to lash out ever end?

It is some deep need in me for justice ... .  it seems she has always been one step ahead of "being held accountable" for her bad behavior.

These people cause a lot of pain and suffering in our society. I know this is a reach but there should be a database of people with disordered personalities just like there is for sex offenders. I know this isn't really feasible - but BPDs are borderline criminals!

It would have saved me a lot of pain if I could have known the ex was BPD before I got into a relationship with her.

[hithere]

Don't do it!

But here I am still angry and hurt ... .  so much stuff unresolved

You will not resolve anything, at best you will feel more hurt and angry at yourself and at worst you will recycle for a ride on the BPD merry-go-round.

it seems she has always been one step ahead of "being held accountable" for her bad behavior.

You are wrong about this, if she suffers from BPD it is a life sentence.

[willy45]

DON'T DO IT.

Please trust me. Please don't. Any slight contact will be a way for her to worm herself back into your life. Don't do it. I just got back from seeing my ex who I have been NC with for 8 weeks. It literally almost destroyed me. Seriously. I did a very stupid thing. I answered an email of hers asking to see me. I told her no. That I was busy thinking that she would get the hint... .  Well, guess what. Nope. Big surprise, eh? And it unleashed a series of events that have left me almost completely demolished. I have lost 10 pounds. I got kicked out of my house where I was living with a really amazing woman. I literally almost died.

Did I sleep with my ex? No. Did I kiss her? No. Did I even like her? No. Did I find her attractive? Not really. But she used every trick in her book to suck me in and get back involved in the drama. And any boundaries I had were destroyed. Instantly.

So, you will not get revenge. I promise you that. You will give her an opportunity to weasel herself back into your life. And you will be the one to suffer. Not her. It will just be a blip on her screen.

[myself]

It's understandable how upset and hurt you are. Retaliating will not make this better, for either one of you. Write the letters and then burn them or delete them. Get it out, but don't push it off onto her. You can't be the one who is her judge and jury for the 'crimes she's committed' her whole life. There is no 'justice' to be found there. There are healthier ways for you to release the toxins and anger. Detaching and grieving is a heavy process. You will get through it with the proper focus. Which is on Yourself, not her. Even though you would like her to see the light, and see the pain she's caused, a letter like that would most likely just get her to keep her blinders on that much more.

If 'they' came with, let's say, the letters BPD branded on their forehead, so 'we' could be warned, then what would be branded on our foreheads as a warning for them? Codependent? Doormat? Fool? We'd like to think 'Saint' but that's probably not happening. I was reading on this site last night about how more of the people than not, who are discussed here as possibly having actual BPD, probably have traits, poor relationship skills, and emotional problems, more than the illness itself. That most of the people who actually do have BPD have not been diagnosed, either. So who's going to be in charge of those brands? Who's going to make those decisions as far as who ends up in which category, those with a PD and You and Me included? I don't want that job, and honestly, having a brand isn't going to stop a lot of people from jumping into situations that are not good for them. I knew my ex was 'troubled', but I still stuck around.

You just have to take each relationship in your life for what it is, and be your best within each one of them. Those that do not measure up, you can work on them. If they turn out well, great, there may really be something there then. If not, you move on, and don't look backwards as much as possible. Not bringing yourself down to the level of someone who is hurting someone else. If that is why you are not with her anymore, because she hurt you too much to stay (or she left you, which also hurts), it would not make anything better to hurt her in return. Peace.

[seeking balance]

write the letter and post it here instead of send it... .  you can get feedback on those who did send the letter with likely the same words - then you can decide for yourself if you want to go through the motions with your ex... .  

I sent a letter about 3 months after divorce was filed - well, it was a reaction to an email - it wasn't pretty... .  I did feel slightly better for the short term then I felt much worse ... .  my core values of "if you know better than do better" was not honored and that ultimately did not give me the satisfaction I was looking for.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I spent a lot of time and energy constructing various letters to my ex.  I wanted to say the 'right' things in the 'right' way.  After several attempts, I realized the exercise was most likely futile because my communication style was counter to what proves helpful with pwBPD.

I later read about communicating with people with frontal lobe damage and it mentioned using short phrases instead of long sentences.  pwBPD don't process information that is emotionally charged the same way we do.  It seems best to keep things short and very focused.  This was difficult for me to accomplish in my relationship with her.

If we started a discussion about painful feelings, she would often rapidly escalate to a point where she was obviously at her limit and could not discuss the topic rationally any further.  This was part of her illness, but I ended feeling like we never reached a resolution.  It is very sad.   

She will read and hear everything you say in the letter, but will likely assign a meaning to it that is different from yours.  I suggest studying some of the communication techniques on the staying board if you want the ability to have any impact.

It's a good idea to post your letter on the forum first for feedback.

[nolisan]

Thanks for all the sage wisdom. I need to remember this is an "urge". I don't have to act on all my urges - in fact I am most often much better off when I don't.

I am proud of the fact that I have 15 weeks NC despite frequent urges to contact. I get a little irritated with myself (I can sometime even laugh at this) because I suspect she has moved on. She was really good at putting stuff behind her (losing jobs etc). It's like she is driving around her new city oblivious that I am holding on to her rear bumper and getting dragged through the mud.

So it is one day at a time - just don't hit "send"! I have actually made a commitment to myself not to seriously consider sending her a note until June. I have several major healthy work commitments between now and then. I really can't afford any distraction - except for the odd urge .

[goldylamont]

dood, sending that letter would have been a big mistake, good for you for not doing it. i feel a lot of people say that revenge shouldn't be done, but coming more from a place of passivity or some type of zen-like emotional "do-no-wrong" attitude. i just feel that's way too many steps ahead and not the best way of looking at things when you're in the hot water, and in emotional turmoil. please DO write the letter and as other suggested post it here, or just burn the damn thing. then write it again, then burn it again. swear it off. here's the thing. the anger you are feeling now is so great because it remained bottled up for soo long, so long while you were trying to be mr. nicety, right? but that's unhealthy for us so our anger receded, and built up like a static charge. and now that there's no lie to tamp it down any more the anger is surging into your conscience--the anger is a sign of your HEALING :-) so honor it, allow it to pass through and out of you, just don't embarrass yourself as you let this happen. join a kickboxing class, you can punch a bunch of stuff and guess what, your body will *thank* you for the workout, you'll look better and sharpen the mind. use that anger, honor it, channel it, but don't dishonor and ignore it like many of us were forced to do just to live in temporary peace with someone with possible BPD. write that letter, curse it, destroy it. rinse, repeat   think of how much literal energy is encapsulated in anger that's trapped inside you. i believe your system is rightfully saying to you "i feel, safe now, i feel like i can let it all hang out without having to hide anymore, and i need you to let me push some of this hot energy out. now, try not to embarrass me while i help you. stand aside. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! HATE!"    i wish you the best. anger is natural, it's your friend there to protect you and let you know that your boundaries were crossed, very seriously. anger guards us and says "hell no, never again". let it speak, honor it, thank it! and it will pass through and diminish as it should