Heres a good example

[ramble on]

Hello all;

In the process of ending a 24 year relationship with a undiagnosed BPDw. She exhibits all the signs of a high functioning waif. I've been to therapy, read the books, read and posted here for a couple of years. Therapist agrees with me that she most likely has the disorder along with several other issues. Tons of red flags right from the beginning that I recognized but chose to overlook. In particular I knew and saw a lot of self esteem and self confidence issue right from the beginning.

I will be presenting an initial separation proposal today for her to take to her legal adviser. We are common law in Ontario so that means it should be a pretty simple process to get out from legally speaking. As everyone here knows on an emotional level with BPD its not simple at all.

I suppose on some levels I still love her but on other levels I don't like her at all. I now know that it is an unhealthy relationship in many ways. Emotionally and physically. I have just recently finished a whole raft of cardiac tests as a result of a visit to the ER dept in  Dec. I thought I was having a heart attack shortly after getting home at dinner time. I could feel the anxiety increasing the closer I got to home. When I finally yelled out to her that I needed to go to the ER I thought I was in deep trouble. The ambulance station in our area is on the other side of town and so is the hospital, so it was going to be quicker to just drive me instead of waiting for the ambulance to drive across town. Now get this, most people who are in the area when someone says they think they are having a heart attack do everything possible as quickly as possible to get the person in the car and get going. My ride had to change clothes, and go to the bathroom to have a pee as I was waiting by the front door holding my chest. I ended up going out to the garage and opening the door and waiting for several minutes before she came out, double checked that the front door was locked and unlocked her car so I could get in.

She made sure she did not exceed the speed limit even though she often goes faster than allowed and finally got me to the hospital. Then she came around and asked me if I could walk into the ER. I told her no and told her to go in and tell the nurse the situation. They came out with a wheelchair and got me in. To end this I did not have a heart attack, no irregular rhythms. Whew. After going through CAT scans, treadmill stress test, echocardiagram, nuclear stress test and wearing a loop monitor for two weeks I got the all clear from the cardiologist. Pure and simple anxiety seems to be the root cause. Its amazing the things that nons suffer from because of constant low level stress over a span of years. The stress of walking on eggshells I guess.  Any thoughts on this would be appreciated... .  

[dharmagems]

I believe I had a generalized anxiety in my 4 year r/s with my exBPDh as a result of confusion and walking on eggshells.  I also suffered from PTSD after the larger rages/blame and I felt shocked and paralyzed.  It is so difficult to explain to others who arn't going through it.  So, it took me all my energy and will power to muster up the divorce papers.  I feel drained.  I am slowly moving towards a direction of recovery through understanding the disorder, and reaching out to old friends that gave me validation and support before I met my ex. 

I know it had a large toll on my emotional well being.  The body is an amazing thing.  As your mind heals your body heals.  Go for massage, accupuncture, quigong and other eastern and alternatives modalities along with your western healing modalities to help you in your journey towards finding yourself again.

[owdrs]

ramble,

I'm married 22 years. same thing as you in uBPDw.

Have you ever had times when w is away from you for more than a few days? I ask because I would notice clearly that stress left the house. Even my kids would slowly hang around me again. But maybe the day before w was to return I would feel the change. Stress and that pall that hangs over you.

It seems we get used to living with the stress and dont realize it's there. I think that's why it's so hard to leave for me. I'm used to it. Unfortunately, I truly believe we will die early by staying.

owdrs

[hithere]

Wow, scary stuff. I could have sworn that while I was with my ex BPD there were times when she would have been glad to have me dead and claim the life insurance.  She wanted me unhealthy and overweight, even after being diagnosed with diabetes.

I truly believe we will die early by staying.

No doubt, I bet staying takes 10-15 years off your life-span, the stress is just so incredible.

[ramble on]

She went away to visit relatives a  few times where  I was left at home alone. It was amazing how much better I felt walking in the door knowing she was not there even though it was quiet. A week would pass by quickly, the day before her return  I would start to feel the tension building. One of the things I have noticed the most is the oh so subtle difference when we are in the house together.

 

[free and happy]

For the last 4-5 years I have been going to therapy. Sometimes the ex would go but most of her visits were to blame me for problems rather than work on herself. I had never heard of BPD prior to seeing this therapist who diagnosed my ex. The ex certainly did not like the pressure on her so she stopped the therapy. I have been on antidepressants on and off for the last few years but I knew that I would have to get back on anti depressants to get through this process. So far they are helping me to remain calm in light of the drama. I believe I have PTSD from the years of emotional, physical and sexual abuse. I moved out and filed for divorce. What a relief it is to not be walking on eggshells or fearing the rage that would be aimed at me if I were available to her.

[ramble on]

I never thought I would ever see a therapist. I first went to see someone early (three years in) in the relationship following a rage out of nowhere for some thing that was looking back  pretty trivial. I really started to feel tense about 5 years ago when during the time my parents were failing in health and passing away, I was building a business, and I had to say the least a lot or demands on me and my time in order to care for my parents. I guess she started to feel abandonment issues, became really clingy, demanding, critical of everything I was doing, even more so than the previous years. Last year following another meltdown and rage I finally told her that I was done and we really needed to go in separate directions. I told her that our relationship and both of us were dysfunctional and it just wasn't working anymore. I sourced out and found  a therapist who actually specializes in personality disorders and saw her. It was the most helpfull thing I could have ever done. The therapist for obvious reasons cannot and did not give me a diagnosis. But she did tell me that from the diary and notes I provided her with prior to our meeting and my answers and descriptions of my experiences that it was very very probable that my stbxBPDw was borderline along with other issues. My therapist helped me to accept that I was not a failure, did not cause or worsen the situation.She also said that in all likelyhood I provided my BPD with more security over the last 20 some years than she would  otherwise have had. I see the same therapist next month to talk over how to best handle the next stages of ending the relationship. I gave my stbxBPDw my offer of settlement today. I have retained a lawyer, had the house appraised and am preparing myself for the  inevitable highly charged emotions that will follow. I know what role I have had and why I allowed myself to become enmeshed with my stbxBPD when every fiber of my body has screamed out that it was wrong for all these years.

[Suzn]

I really started to feel tense about 5 years ago when during the time my parents were failing in health and passing away, I was building a business, and I had to say the least a lot or demands on me and my time in order to care for my parents.

Wow ramble on, this sounds like some pretty stressful situations for you back then. And they would be for anyone. I'm glad you sought a therapist for support.

How are coping with your anxiety now, especially with all that's coming up?   

[ramble on]

My anxiety seems to be diminishing just by knowing the end is drawing closer. I am at ease with my decisions and choices. Knowing my heart is in good shape helped a lot too. My blood pressure is still a little on the high side but still within high normal. Not like it had been. I stressed big time before I talked to a therapist, my sister, nephew and some close friends. Getting it out really helped a lot. Because my stbxpbdw is a high functioning type I know some people will likely say that I am the one at fault and why would he dump such a beautiful, smiling person? Only me and my closest friends know and they support me. As I take each step forward it gets more and more easy. Each milestone means one less thing to dread. This board has been of such great help. I am still amazed at how similar the stories are.  I think back to my first post on the new members thread and how I felt when I read other stories that were posted. I remember how eerie it was to read things by other people that were almost word for word what I was going through.