She is divorcing me

[WindyCityGuy]

She is divorcing me?  And I am hear broken.

OK, before anyone tries to send me their revelation, I already know I am a codependent. And I realize that my own codependency has made matters worse.

That being said I don't get it.  I still love her. She has so many great qualities.  And yes, she has yelled at me for years. She has criticized pretty much everything she can think of. Of course she has told me that I have alienated everyone.  And it is true that her friends don't talk to me, but I have no idea what they have been told.  I do know that she has gone into my personal e-mail accounts and taken out my personal e-mails to other people, (where I have shared some of our problems) and she has shown these to many people to prove that I don't love her and that I am mean and cruel. 

Recently I had to reach out to other people to figure out what to do because she physically hurt my son ( one of many times) and told him that she was going to kill him. I didn't know what to do, so I reached out to others.  She found these e-mails and has shown them to her friends to prove that I am trying to get her arrested and take the kids.

One day she yelled at me, told me she was out. The next day we had friends over for dinner, she did nothing but compliment me all night. How wonderful I am, how smart I am etc.  I just found it weird to go from one extreme to the other. So I called her friend that was over that night and let he know that I was a little scared by her emotional moods swings. Her friend told her what I said and that was the final straw for her to get a divorce.

The thing is, I think a HUGE part of the problem is her friendships. Nothing but divorce woman who wouldn't know a good relationship if it hit them in the face. They have all told her she needs to get away from me. They convinced her the I am a narcissist. In fact, that is how I found this group, because she wanted me to read the descriptions so I would admit that I have this problem.

Here's the thing. I still love her.

I know she takes things that I say and turns them around to the point that I say "wth just happened"?  I know when she gets stressed she yells at me and say all kinds of terrible things. But I also know that I have causes her pain. When she read what I wrote to others, it hurt hurt deeply. Of course, it was all true, but that didn't matter. What mattered was that I was badmouthing her. And I have to admit, I was talking badly about her, and that cause her pain, and I feel terrible for causing her pain.

Sometimes I think her friends are more important than me. Sometimes I think she never loved me because we have had problems from day one of the marriage. Sometimes I think it's all my fault (she helps me here a lot).  But she has so many GREAT qualities.  The weird things is, most of them went away was soon as we got married. They stated to return when she starting hanging out with one particular friend.  She would do thing with her that she would refuse to do with me, like just go for a walk, or out to lunch or a bike ride. Sometimes I think that she may realize she is gay.  I am so confused.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me. But I thought she did.  I guess there is no real answer. Is there?  Can I save this? Is there anything I can do?  We have kids to, I don't want to see them get hurt. They love their mom. And for the most part, she is a great mom.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

That sucks! Divoce is so hard, my heart goes out to you. My ex-husband (not BPD) took out a divorce. I thought, and I still think, that he's a great guy and that we had a lot of great things going. Unfortunately he didn't see things the same way. Nothing I could do about it. When someone decides to divorce you, you don't really have a say in the matter and it's heartbreaking and frustrating. Now I'm living with my dBPDbf and I can't imagine adding his behaviours into the divorce.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do. I'm sorry. I guess that wasn't the answer you were looking for. The only thing that can really help a pwBPD is the person seeking help, wanting it, being motivated. As for a divorce, be it a pwBPD or not, it's not much you can do once if their mind is really made up. Has she threatened this before? Has she taken legal actions?

One thing worries me: you write that she has physically hurt your son several times. How is he doing?

[letmeout]

Have you been to al-anon or a therapist for your codependency issues? This is something you have to work on even after the divorce. Scarlet is right, divorce is divorce, but you will recover. Hey, I also thought my ex was gay because he acted seemed happiest when he was getting attention from men, and you can't fix that. Nor can you fix someone's personality disorder if they don't want to get help.

[Seahorse1]

Welcome... .  

You sound very confused and rightly so... .  

My first concern is that you mentioned that she has physically hurt your son , but ended by saying she is a good mom... .  You are making excuses for very unacceptable behavior... .  I'm sure it is painful to accept that some one you love is abusive but you have to accept that... .  

Many of us are torn having love for our SO but knowing the relationship is unhealthy. It's very confusing to say the least...

There are many people on here who have been through or going through divorce and I'm sure you will get some good advice or at least those who can relate better to your specific situation... .  

One thing I would suggest is to retain a very good attorney... .  

You may already know that BPD people can be very malicious and have no problem lying... .  

Be prepared... .  For almost anything... .  Play your cards close to your chest and protect your son

[Cardinals in Flight]

WindyCityGuy said

"Sometimes I think that she may realize she is gay"

From personal and painful experience, if this is her problem, let me tell you she is living in hell inside of herself, for many many reasons.  BPD or not, I hope you and she both can get some help as to insight into what spurs her actions towards you.

I wish you peace!

[WindyCityGuy]

I just figured out how to reply to these messages. Sorry it took so long. Right now I am deeply depressed. I am considering that her accusation that I am in the with the mental disorder might have some merit to it.

Here are the reasons. Her sister and all of her friends believe her. No one sees her as anything other than a wonderful person. Am I just too critical?

Yes, she has hurt my autistic son. But I am on a list serve where many of the moms have admitted to "losing it" with their child. Am I over judging her actions?

I spend more time now playing with the kids and helping to clean the house than I used to.  Were my expectations too high before?

At the same time, I remember that she changed as soon as we got married. Sex was only on her schedule, which was 3 to 5 times a year.

She would constantly criticize me. But she said I would do the same thing to her. In the divorce papers she is giving me 30 days to get out of my own house that she is not on title to. Saying that I have done things that I haven't.

She has been controlling and demanding. She says I am both a narcassist and BPD.

One day she compliments me so much in front of others that I think it's weird, two days later she is adimate that she wants a divorce. She has asked for a divorce countless times throughout the marriage. But this time it defintely is for real because she has filed and told all her friends. Who mostly all agree with her that she is doing the right thing. Then I will come home to great home cooked meals. Then she will refuse to change the paperwork to kick me out of the house.

Am I just so warn down by all of criticisms, or am I just too much of a codependent, or is she correct?

What did I do to deserve this?

[elemental]

Have you seen an attorney yourself?

[yeeter]

You do sound worn down windy. 

And confused with trying to decipher the mixed messages you are getting

And hurting

We all have our own issues, buts it's really common in these relationships for the BPD partner to grossly magnify the other persons issues while completely ignoring their own. 

My advise:

Consult with a lawyer

Get a T for yourself

Rally your friends and family and tell them you need help getting through this difficult time.  Tell at least one of them everything that is going on.

Eat properly.

Exercise

Sleep

From there you will gain a little strength to sort out the next step.

[Salut]

Hi windycityguy

I feel for you.  I'm currently separated and have been trying really hard to be fair.  To retain some good feelings.

Tried to talk to him tonight because I have some decisions I have to make about my living arrangements.   Immediate return to our separate corners.  Felt like I was right back at square 1.  He's blaming me. I'm blaming him.

You are asking the questions.  Yes, your behavior has probably been affected by your r/s but you are looking and asking.   You may need to move on before you can start to see the truth. 

Yeeter gave you a really nice roadmap.  Look at it every day.  Maybe start checking these things off.  I hope you start to feel better soon.  Remember you are not alone.

[Grey Kitty]

First let me say that I wish you the best through some very difficult times.

Second, let me say that Yeeter's last advice sounds VERY good for you.

Third, I don't know your wife at all, but I do know a couple things about living with someone like that.

1. When she says crazy-making things and claims that you are the crazy one, you do NOT have to believe her. Do listen to her, but if it doesn't match the reality you live in, just accept that, and don't waste too much energy trying to convince her of your version--It usually goes very badly. This kind of behavior is fairly common thing for a person with BPD to do to a family member.

2. When she threatens divorce / leaving / etc... .  yes take her seriously, yes consult with your own lawyer, but realize that she may cool off and do a mental 180 on you... .  be ready for it to go through... .  but also if YOU want to stay together, recognize there is still hope.

And the most important thing I can say here:



You have found a supportive community here. We've lived and heard stories like yours and are here to help.

You also have a lot of great resources. I would encourage you to read the lessons found here. They have made a huge difference in my life and many others as well.