Thank you very much for this kind and detailed information! I definitely was this person's favorite person for a couple years, but that seemed to change about 6 months before they stopped being a part of my life. They still say things like they miss me and love me, so I'm hoping that means that the time apart with no contact will give us time to work on ourselves and try to reconnect some time. In my reading, a discard where someone says they still have those feelings for you is usually related to fear of abandonment, but our conflict was definitely around engulfment. Is it typical for a person with BPD to end a relationship due to engulfment but still retain positive feelings? When I read about final discards it's usually pretty clear that they have negative feelings for you at that point. Is it more likely that this is not a final discard if they still say they miss me and love me? Is anything I've written here a predictor on how No Contact might ultimately pan out in this situation, or is it one of those things where every person and situation is different?

Hi Hopenfaith
Not sure if this has happened before for you – it has certainly happened for me and I think probably many others who post here. In my growing up years I had never known a situation where the police had to be called. That is not the case now!

Does dd and her child live with you?

I hope the resources here are helpful – they have been for me. In fact I am not sure how I would have survived without reading others’ real life experience with BPD. The descriptions given on mental health sites don’t go anywhere near the reality.

I have been thinking about your question – how to stop or minimize these occurrences. I am not sure they can be ‘stopped’ but I think it is helpful to think about ‘triggers’.

BPD people’s intense emotions are activated often at the slightest thing – things which other people might be a little irritated before they move on. It can be that they are just tired, feeling a bit ‘off’, someone has looked at them, said something etc etc.

In my case I know all her life my dd has tried not to let a trigger set her emotions off. But it is impossible and she then has another reason to hate herself.

Can you identify the trigger or triggers that caused the blow out? Something might be obvious – such as something someone has said – but behind that might be another reason. Did she manage for most of the vacation?

While I think we can’t be walking on eggshells all the time, if we can identify triggers and try to minimize them for a particular event it can give the BPD person a chance to succeed ie to get through the event without a blow out.

I am sorry that this is all I can think of that I could do – identify and try to minimize triggers. However I know that even if I do this, it might well not be possible and something unforeseen sets it all off.

It is good that your grandchild has extended family to support them. This factor can make all the difference in the long term.

Hi Gigi,

This is really tricky as your daughter has become delusional. Maybe what you say to people who make inquiries is that you’re not really sure about the whole situation and that they should ask your daughter. Then you’re not perpetuating the fiction or contradicting your daughter.  You could state the truth—I haven’t seen the baby, have you? I bet they can read between the lines.

Hi AliceOlivia
Welcome and thank you for posting. Your dd has a lot on for sure – 2 under 2 is no walk in the park, and of course there is, as you say, the normal challenging times of different age groups.

But what you describe is outside the ‘norms’ it seems to me and truly should be being dealt with by a parent. I say ‘a parent’ because I am wondering why ‘dad’ doesn’t step in? It could well be that he has learnt not to do so because of the reaction from dd.

Your husband has apologized – to be honest though it is he who should be getting the apology. As I imagine the scene you describe, it would be the parents jumping up, apologizing to you and your husband, checking the baby is okay and picking up the little boy, taking him aside and clearly stating just how wrong and dangerous throwing things can be.

But the ‘norm’ for BPD is very different! It will always be someone else’s fault – and as you have mentioned, the episode will be reinvented to include things that didn’t happen and lots of exaggeration. For parents with BPD this reaction can also occur if there is any suggestion their child is not perfect/has done the wrong thing. I think they see a child as an extension of themselves.

I notice there is not complete ‘silent treatment’. Thinking about the situation I can only suggest what I would/wouldn’t do if it were me, when there is contact.

If dd keeps going over this incident I would make sure I didn’t JADE ie Judge, Argue, Discuss, Explain. The events are known and they are past. JADE -ing would feed the problem.

I would listen and just affirm where I could without any more apologies. I would not say much but - make broad non-personal affirmation statements like ‘It is distressing when these things happen.’ Perhaps you can think ahead of some of these because you know how the conversations are going.

In relation to all the rules around your husband I would just say ‘that’s up to you’. Your husband is probably now the ‘target of blame’ but not JADE - ing seems to work by not adding fuel to the fire of 'blame' that rages in BPD people.

In other words I suppose I would be trying to de-escalate things by not engaging around it.

As I mention though, these are my thoughts and you know your dd and her husband – so none of these thoughts might be relevant to your situation. I am really sorry for you and your husband. No doubt you put up with a lot during that week – and I have to say I think your husband’s reaction was rather mild after being hit, covered with glass and liquid!

What does it mean when a pwBPD is constantly seeking attention, sending +50 messages daily, sometimes completely random, like a restaurant she has seen online, an idea she has, pictures of her leg in the bathtub, her boss who called her, … this already goes on for almost a year on a nearly daily basis. It can be that I answer something, that the next text arrives a few hours or even a few days later. When I don’t look for contact for a few days she will send again. Whenever she is drunk I get phone calls from her, when she is sober and texts she does not pick up my phone when it’s a topic that might be more suitable to do by voice call.
When I want to meet her, or she me, plans can change last minute for whatever reason. Sometimes you get a happy, flirty in front of you, sometimes a big ego devaluating you, sometimes the rear of a cell phone, after she told her mom and friends who know me that we meet up. It happens a lot that she invites me and cancels last minute. She makes very promising proposals to later lower the expectations to then completely finish it. It feels to me that within the safety of online communication she feels good, but that calling or meeting are too intimate and that she is afraid of that. Her behavior to me is close to FP but without meeting to often (about once every 6 weeks).

She is already saying the baby isn’t doing well, is in isolation, which is why he can’t have visitors, he’s needed CPR, the  hospital keeps calling her in the middle of the night and she’s having to go see him when I know for a fact she hasn’t left her house. Sounds like she’s setting up the scenario the baby won’t make it. The photos she is using are of a premie in the NICU; she can’t keep using those photos much longer. He should be over two months old by now.
When the baby doesn’t make it, what do I do? Go to its memorial service, because I know there will be one. What do I say when friends and relatives keep asking me how the baby is doing? The ex’s mother has contacted me; I’m sure his parents are thinking this entire situation is as bizarre as I do. Do I keep ignoring her?

I was in my early teens when I really came up against my mother's limitations. Although she had several BPD-like traits, most of her dysfunctional city came from early trauma (losing her mother at age 4) and subsequently being poorly parented by a uBPD/NPD stepmother.

I was frequently invalidated. I could not trust my mother to listen and accept me as I was. She and I did not have a relationship in which I could confide and share. I spent my teen years learning to hide my thoughts, wishes, activities, beliefs from her.

Turkish, do you see any of this beginning to happen with your daughter?

Hi Gigi,

The general advice on this site is to validate the valid but not the invalid.  If she's going to such lengths to perpetuate this fantasy, she might crave attention, money, a baby shower and/or a place to stay.  It sounds like she wants to showcase how terrible her ex is as well, to cement her role as victim in this delusion, and use it as a form of control.   Maybe you could focus on her feelings--how scary it must be to face all these changes and worries and uncertainties, and feel abandoned by the ex, and see where that goes, without pressing for factual details about the baby?  But since she's taken this so far, if you challenge her on the facts, she might become furious, because you'd be "invalidating" her version of events.

I don't really know, honestly.  What I experienced with my diagnosed stepdaughter was that she would test out stories of abuse and trauma to get attention and play the victim, but many of the stories had questionable fact patterns and timelines.  On a few of the stories, she conveniently omitted her role in starting an altercation--and accused others of assault, when she was the instigator.  I think that she eventually learned to keep details hazy, so that she couldn't be challenged on the facts or take any of the blame.  But I think the feelings behind the traumatic stories were genuine, even if the facts weren't.  So maybe focus on the feelings.

It's hard to say where this goes, because at some point the baby will need to materialize, or the story dies.  As I write this I'm wondering if she'll say the baby didn't make it, taking the fantasy to a whole other level.

Hello thewilltoleave,

It was inspiring to read your post, which demonstrates the insight and progress in your journey. Thank you for sharing  .


I learned that lesson here on BPD family. In the right company, being vulnerable opens up the space for deeper connections and truthfulness. It isn`t easy (at least it isn`t for me!). There is no need to maintain a `perfect` facade. We`re all learning and growing. I`m glad that your friend opened up to you, and hope you have many more of these enriching interactions in the future.

It sounds like you are recognizing your strengths, and making your way through the grieving process one step at a time. You`re right in saying that you are not alone. As you grow through the next big hurdles, turn towards your support (here, friends, therapy) and be kind and patient with yourself. You are strong and resilient.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

I`ve read this article many times. I almost feel like I should read it every day! I think that the relationship skills and self-awareness that I can gain from this will be valuable for me to bring to the table in all my future relationships 

I asked him how he was feeling today, we spoke briefly about his new medication. His answers were on the dry and short end. My instinct was to feel like I had done something wrong; he had been so interactive and willing to share just a few days ago! Initially, I wanted to keep pushing for more contact and communication. Instead, I asked him `your answers seem short! is this one of those days where you`d like more space?`. He said yes, and I replied `thanks for being honest, I`ll let you reach out when you feel ready.`.

This made me feel better for a few reasons. I got to the bottom of what I was feeling faster, and I feel like I created my own peace of mind in allowing him to reach out instead of wondering when I should do it.