What does a "break up" mean to you?

[pearlsw]

I have to admit coming into this relationship I had what I now look back on as limited experience with break ups. A typical long-term relationship only had one or two and there was typically a friendship afterward despite the pain.

Additionally, I know I came into this current relationship as a person who felt devastated after breakups. Felt like life was over and had a hard time going on but made it. It was hard, but in retrospect almost seems like "nothing" compared to what my partner with BPD traits has put us through by initiating this cycle of break ups.

We've had hundreds of "break ups". Him breaking and me just waiting for the storm to hopefully pass. The sheer number of these and the meaning of these with my current partner is mind-numbing. It left me with a lot of anxiety and fear for my existence. I don't even have words for this level of pain, how many "deaths" and "traumas" this has been for me. I took them all as "real".  (It triggered trauma for me from losing my father to cancer as a child.) After 5 years of this treatment I broke inside completely and made bad choices. Didn't handle the relationship properly and didn't keep proper boundaries with an ex who popped back up.

I needed an escape and a lifeline to the "real" world, and kindness. I needed to feel "happiness" even if it was fleeting. I felt like life was over. Why had I always followed the rules in life? To only end up so mistreated and unhappy? But being overseas and under someone else's control I could not leave so easily. I tried to be honest about was I feeling/struggling with, but was in fear of the extreme jealously... .so was silent and isolated.

Now I see his break ups as his way of coping with feelings of pain and rejection, but they do have a real impact on my life. It made it hard for me at times to even grasp reality. Am I in a relationship or not? And if I am what? And if I'm not what? It felt like he was always the one who got to decide/control if it was on or not. He had/has all the power. I felt like I was being turned on and off like a light switch.

Now that I accept it as a phase and a part of our lives that is bound to happen I can cope a bit better. I admit in the past I made a huge mistake over this, but counselor's have said I was being "extremely abused" and it was "understandable" I briefly turned to another person. I do not let myself off so lightly. I wish to God I had not done that, it only made matters worse in terms of trust. I didn't understand the depth of that for him. And for a long time it damaged my sense of self. I had built a strong identity on being a "good person" who plays by the rules and does right by people no matter what. But after seeing the rules broken by him over and over to this extreme and not understanding what was happening I sought a dangerous escape. His off and on forced me to living on two tracks in life. One with the idea of a future and one with the idea of no future. It made me desperate and not myself. I felt lied to and betrayed by his behaviors, and I knew better, I knew better, but someone else was pulling on me and took me on a temporary side path.

I have paid a high price. This will haunt the rest of my life. And I knew better. I knew better. I knew not to, had counseled many other friend's who struggled with such issues, had always been against it, NEVER in a million years (seriously) would I have imagined I could do such a thing, if there was ONE thing I was sure of in life it was that I would not do such a thing. But... .it felt like a matter of survival. I get it now. Life is complicated.

When not raging after it came out he was surprisingly understanding, blamed himself even because he knows he initiated so many break ups that I had a hard time believing I was really in a relationship and therefore held a part of myself back from him. I still have to hold back in a way because he uses any personal details I share about my family (or anything) against me at later dates during fights. He has a skill for finding your weak points and using them against you verbally whenever possible to defeat you when he is on the attack. (That instead of communicate and resolve.)

Now I am here, present and giving my all.  We had made real progress, things were actually better than they had been in years, till he recently dysregulated. If I can caution anyone... .just play by the rules! With even just your words. Follow good communication strategies, not just for them, but for you to feel good about you. I know it is hard.

Did these BPD behaviors effect you? Lead you to do things or say things you never thought you were capable of? He actually defended me on occasion about what I did, to my surprise, after I said to him "How far would a situation have to push you that you would abandon all of your beliefs about relationships/morals? Forty plus years of knowing who you are and how you can/should/do operate in life. How far?"

I wish I still had my "clean record" in life, had not done such things, but I did not know what this relationship really was. It damaged me. His emotional issues damaged me greatly. But I am holding out hope for life, whether together or not. I want to believe I can redeem myself and just simply be myself - the person I knew myself to be - once again and for the rest of my life.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[228kk]

I feel the same way! My girlfriend does this to me every time we get into a disagreement over anything. Honestly the way I cope best with it is to take it with a grain of salt in the heat of the moment. I just say okay I understand we'll talk tomorrow. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Like I just don't believe her. It's her way of gaining control when she thinks she's losing it. Her way of "one-upping" me. Maybe I'm not handling it correctly but usually when we talk in the morning everything is fine.

[Radcliff]

Hello pearlsw,

Thank you for posting this thread.  It is reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one dealing with recurrent breakups!  Every week or so my wife tells me that I add absolutely no value for her, and that she's ready to be done with me.  She is very convincing, and brings up decades old wounds she blames me for (sometimes with justification) and all of my inadequacies.  It brings our relationship bank down to absolute zero (OK, actually far below zero).  I am utterly exhausted and frazzled.  And then she badgers me because I cannot remember what she told me about the weekly family schedule! And in between these lows, I am supposed to be meeting her needs.  Short story, we are in a constant breakup cycle that is devastating.

It sounds like you are being hard on yourself.  It is good and appropriate to be accountable.  In one of the books I read, I'm sorry, I can't think which one, it talked about appropriate and inappropriate shame/guilt.  Many of us carry a lot of inappropriate shame/guilt heaped on us by our pwBPD.  It's appropriate if you've done something that is in violation of your core values, which it sounds like you have.  But do not punish yourself forever.  Own it and move on.  Live up to your values each day, and feel good about it.  In the same way you may show empathy to your pwBPD, knowing that they are not intentionally evil but are living within their own limitations, show that same empathy for yourself.  Forgive yourself.

[228kk]

That's a good point. I'm more than happy to accept blame if I truly deserve the blame and was wrong. I totally understand what you mean about the relationship bank being far below zero. It's hard to be happy and to make someone happy when you constantly hear how terrible you are. I get it. I think the best thing for us is to remember our worth and know that a relationship is not 100% one person's fault. Conflict arises and you can only control 50% of the argument. You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do!