Finding this part of detaching hard.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

[trevjim]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

[Hurt llama]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

I feel your pain. I'd like to deny I feel the same way, especially after sharing so much here about the details of my story and me ending our engagement 3 years ago... and yet she is a huge part of my life still. Thankfully she's long distance but coming up my way for business two weeks ago which ended with me being triggered to my original anger... horrible...

Then she finally said she ddn't love me (a first)... I was almost relieved... . But of course she was reacting to my pretty insane reaction to her making me thing she was sleeping with someone on a first date... which wasn't happening, in fact she slept with her on and off again bf... she was to embarrassed to admit it at first... . wow... it was (almost) an apology ... . .

Then she sent me flowers for my birthday and said she loves me deeply, truly and unconditionally and is coming back to my area in 2 weeks.

I'm trying to get myself ready for LC and eventually RC (rare contact)...

But as I have started this, I am missing her tremendously for all the same exact reasons you posted.

I can have her if I want her. I am certain her love for me is as deep as mine for her. BUT, she is emotionally underdeveloped and very very rigid in not seeing anything wrong in what she really does. The truth being the pain of the knowledge is overbearing for her.

I'm setting myself up by pushing hard and soon, she will meet someone new... Her bf is 25 years older and clearly has been painted white now black and she sees he is just not for her.

Someone new is being lined up... . or should be...

I wish I had her ability to idealize even for a little and connect as she does, even if it's superficial and ridiculous idealization that doesn't and can't last.

I have women all around me, and date well and often. I'm seeing one I dated last year who just moved back... . she's even better looking than my ex, better in bed (and that's saying quite a lot) and much safer (obviously) but she's not what I am looking for either for other reasons... . maybe... .

Point is I get how you feel and it's terrible and it's so frustrating... I wish more than anything I could have made it with my ex... and I was the one who ended it and she has used some pretty mean things to hurt me back for dumping her... . and so it goes on and on and on...

It's an addiction and I am going to have to start treating it like one... I am giving myself one last excuse waiting for the warm weather and get myself much more active and distracted and see if I can make my life work and let her go to a Low Contact and ween off more and more while I increase my activity with other women and life.

Good luck to us both.

[Hurt llama]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

How long were you with her and how did it end?

I think I and maybe you are doing what they do and 'idealizing' them... this just occurred to me...

I am trying to predict the next move and I sorta can almost write it... . she will never let go completely of me but I have laid it out clearly that I think she is BPD (which I almost regret)... She will do what she does and eventually (soon), recycle. probably with this guy who she is meeting with her for business and at some point with her ice cold blue/green pretty eyes and this soothing voice that I love so much tell me, "I am now with so and so" This will be preceded by her maybe even sleeping with me if i want and who knows, going to finally sleep with him the day after or even the day before... SOmething that would trigger me off yet again, to the original pain that was truly the worst i have ever experienced it.

Thank you for making this thread as it's helping me just by responding to see how dangerous it is what I am doing... I literally feel uneasy and almost nervous with the predictions that I just wrote and I have to break this pattern by vastly reducing her and in a perfect world, no contact probably will have to happen until I get some new relationship going with traction.

[healingmyheart]

I feel the same way.  I broke off my relationship with my ex BPD well over a month ago. 

I tend to reflect back on the good times which was a lot.  I was so happy and now all I feel is pain and a huge void in my life.  It makes me realize how he had become me life and I was living through him.  My counselor is trying to get me to "find myself" again and I'm trying. 

I've never felt so lost in my life... . hopefully time will help.

[trevjim]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

How long were you with her and how did it end?

I think I and maybe you are doing what they do and 'idealizing' them... this just occurred to me...

I am trying to predict the next move and I sorta can almost write it... . she will never let go completely of me but I have laid it out clearly that I think she is BPD (which I almost regret)... She will do what she does and eventually (soon), recycle. probably with this guy who she is meeting with her for business and at some point with her ice cold blue/green pretty eyes and this soothing voice that I love so much tell me, "I am now with so and so" This will be preceded by her maybe even sleeping with me if i want and who knows, going to finally sleep with him the day after or even the day before... SOmething that would trigger me off yet again, to the original pain that was truly the worst i have ever experienced it.

Thank you for making this thread as it's helping me just by responding to see how dangerous it is what I am doing... I literally feel uneasy and almost nervous with the predictions that I just wrote and I have to break this pattern by vastly reducing her and in a perfect world, no contact probably will have to happen until I get some new relationship going with traction.

I was with her 2.5 years, we where engaged, her step son aged 3 now called me daddy as his birth dad is not around and I raised him since 1.

I ended it as it wasn't working and we had split a few times before but never properly. The same day I ended it I saw an email to an ex of hers basically saying hi how are you. Next day after work I pop in to get some stuff and he is there.

I thought I could get her back because she 'loved me so much' so out of jelousey I tried and failed. He is now living with her and now 'daddy' as she didn't want me around anymore.

Been N/C since Christmas except from a surprisingly pleasent and brief phone call the other day about a bill in my name.


I too am scared she may try and recycle me at some point and hope I have the emotional strength to resist.

Your are right about me idolizing her, truth is its hard not to as bad points aside she is amazing in so many ways, so I have to try and remember the bad.

[Hurt llama]

I feel the same way.  I broke off my relationship with my ex BPD well over a month ago. 

I tend to reflect back on the good times which was a lot.  I was so happy and now all I feel is pain and a huge void in my life.  It makes me realize how he had become me life and I was living through him.  My counselor is trying to get me to "find myself" again and I'm trying. 

I've never felt so lost in my life... . hopefully time will help.

Clearly we can't 'think' our way to solving these problems. I know everything that happened how horrific it was and the kind of pain triggered and emotions that ran so intense it could have killed me.

And yet her constant consistent, literally never ending 'unconditional love for me' is true but there is a part of me that just knows too much and always did, that this cannot work out. No way, no how, zero chance.

And I obviously am part of the problem and want my cake and eat it too (never really got that expression... ) But it's true, I want to have her always there as a friend... with the undertones of her always loving and needing me, combined with the 'wish' that she see's her part of the dysfunction and can talk about it... She started therapy but when questioned about if she tells the therapist everything she immediately qualified "i tell her what she needs to know"...

I feel dread now... . I have made it clear I am dating, she's extremely attractive, dresses well and 'presents' herself to the world as together, charming and a dream... The man she will attract will fall head over heels for her... . and she will idealize him too... . and she will make note to herself of every single thing he does that bothers her... from how he walked in front of her in a restaurant, to him not holding his utensils correctly, or the wrong shirt, or saying something about an ex or a endless list of things he will do that will prove or show her that he is not ok.

All the while being in contact with me telling me she wants me until I push too hard, she will throw the switch and that guy will be in... . and she will let me know, not by saying so but by disappearing in such a way that it's obvious.

Then reappear and tell me she is with the new guy and she wishes it were me.

arghhhhh

[Hurt llama]

Im finding myself missing how she made me feel, and Im struggling to replace that, and I feel I NEED to have that. When she was being nice, which obviously at first was alot, she was as close to perfect as one would like to find in a woman, She had looks, charm, funny, loving, thoughtful etc. Of course the BPD made the relationship a sinking ship, But I still had great times.

However now, Nothing compares to how she made me feel, I felt 'complete', I longed for someone like her (the good side of her) for all my life, and when she came, I had my dream. Now she is gone, Nothing and no one compares to her. I feel so empty and I find it hard to see how ill ever get that back.

How long were you with her and how did it end?

I think I and maybe you are doing what they do and 'idealizing' them... this just occurred to me...

I am trying to predict the next move and I sorta can almost write it... . she will never let go completely of me but I have laid it out clearly that I think she is BPD (which I almost regret)... She will do what she does and eventually (soon), recycle. probably with this guy who she is meeting with her for business and at some point with her ice cold blue/green pretty eyes and this soothing voice that I love so much tell me, "I am now with so and so" This will be preceded by her maybe even sleeping with me if i want and who knows, going to finally sleep with him the day after or even the day before... SOmething that would trigger me off yet again, to the original pain that was truly the worst i have ever experienced it.

Thank you for making this thread as it's helping me just by responding to see how dangerous it is what I am doing... I literally feel uneasy and almost nervous with the predictions that I just wrote and I have to break this pattern by vastly reducing her and in a perfect world, no contact probably will have to happen until I get some new relationship going with traction.

I was with her 2.5 years, we where engaged, her step son aged 3 now called me daddy as his birth dad is not around and I raised him since 1.

I ended it as it wasn't working and we had split a few times before but never properly. The same day I ended it I saw an email to an ex of hers basically saying hi how are you. Next day after work I pop in to get some stuff and he is there.

I thought I could get her back because she 'loved me so much' so out of jelousey I tried and failed. He is now living with her and now 'daddy' as she didn't want me around anymore.

Been N/C since Christmas except from a surprisingly pleasent and brief phone call the other day about a bill in my name.


I too am scared she may try and recycle me at some point and hope I have the emotional strength to resist.

Your are right about me idolizing her, truth is its hard not to as bad points aside she is amazing in so many ways, so I have to try and remember the bad.

Wow! I had a feeling your story was similar to mine in that you are the one who ended it and that you were also engaged as I was.

I have the same exact fear and I am being tested to see if I have the strength to resist, even though I have rejected her time and time again... but always was there in the texting and video calls... . she lives 3000 miles away, which helps but is starting to come up here more and she would love to be able to stay with me and make a life with me... It's perfect on paper.

I am a couple of years past where you are now and still in the same boat... I ended it also after about 3 years and the next 2 years I went into a more dangerous non relationship with a much younger girl who is pure NPD and I did it to recreate the pain or the attraction... whatever it was it was like i was punishing myself... that took as much out of me as my exBPD gf.

I don't think we should beat ourselves up to much as we are the ones who ended engagements...

I think it's a matter of how much we want to continue to torture ourselves.

And I am feeling a massive set up coming for me with her coming my way in two weeks... . maybe in some way, I am testing myself again... each time I see her and we connect (during her break ups with her bf ) i reject her and she goes ice cold and then we continue push pull...

Don't be like me is the best advice I can give... . it can't work out. and I wish I were wrong.

[HarmKrakow]

It's interesting to see that we all say the same story here. We all lived 'through her', we had our happiness through her. Our joy. Not through ourselves, no, through her.

And now since they are gone, whatever we do, talk, eat, chat with. Or even get romantically involved with. It never feels like it fills the same void. A BPD partner fills the void completely, as due to their emotional immaturity cling on you like a 12 year old during a r/s which is overwhelming, while in a normal adult r/s this would be a different case.

I think everyone agrees that at a certain point in their BPD r/s felt invincible, while they never had that in any of their other r/s.

[mtmc01]

I'm glad it wasn't just me in feeling "invincible". Even when things got rough, I always felt invincible just being with her and the way she always idealized me. Even though the clinginess and her issues evolved, I feel like she never really stopped idealizing me due to the fact she was putting me through a lot with her drinking and was afraid I'd leave. In the end, that's why I could never leave. Feeling that complete and in control of your life is too intoxicating to give up to me, no matter what I was going through. And it hurts that much more when it's ripped away from you.

[Hurt llama]

I'm glad it wasn't just me in feeling "invincible". Even when things got rough, I always felt invincible just being with her and the way she always idealized me. Even though the clinginess and her issues evolved, I feel like she never really stopped idealizing me due to the fact she was putting me through a lot with her drinking and was afraid I'd leave. In the end, that's why I could never leave. Feeling that complete and in control of your life is too intoxicating to give up to me, no matter what I was going through. And it hurts that much more when it's ripped away from you.

I came to this forum about two weeks ago after my xBPDgf came to my city and stayed with me for 4 days... It was as great as it always was to see her... and yes, I felt that familiar and always amazing connection... she feels it to, I know.

Probably the single biggest thing I am facing (and the really weird thing is that I ended this over two years ago!) is the void that some of us speak about. I am accessing the damage now... I went from her into an almost intentionally dysfunctional relationship that I knew was never going to work and it was a complete circus with this girl half my age... It was absolutely brutal how much I was torturing myself...

And that was I guess my way of working through some of the grief with the ex but I was in touch with her almost DAILY since we met... close to six years and we still text or speak just aobut every day... even now!

But when she disappeared when she got home in the middle of a text and reappeared and I knew she slept wiht someone, somethign inside of me snapped... . again... . a return to the OP (original pain) and I flipped out... . I lost it... i called her every bad name in the book, sent thousands of messages... . I thought I was going to lose my mind... . but I guess I had to go through it again... . and I started posting here and slowly disengaging from her (again)... . I got into this stupid business deal and I can't get out of it but it's the least of my problems as my ex has some good traits... and she's never taken advantage this way... (hard to believe actually!)

After this thread, I decided to lay it out in the open to her... . I emailed her and explained in detail how I know she is coming back in two weeks but I can't be sleeping with her and her sleepign with her bf and I know she is easily capable of having sex with him and then me in the same 24 hours... . and she can do the same with her next back up plan that I figured out she is meeting a former ex

I told her the stress and pain makes me sick... that even as I was writing the email I was feeling anxiety.

She responds wtih "Sweetie I love you completely and totally, I see the great parts and the not so great parts. we got to where we needed to be but maybe not the way we envisioned"

Then she wrote in response " To thy own self be true"

It took me awhile to decipher what that really meant but I did... and I responded that to her "to thy own self be true' was her way of rationalizing any and all bad behavior and that we are were we are is another way of not really taking ownership of the torture she has put herself (and me through).

I no longer will ever tell her she is BPD... that was a mistake and goes nowhere.

but to sum it up... . and as i painfully learned in the heartache my rebound gf gave me, is that I can be in text contact (but shouldn't) but do not see her... . and really know that even the texting is bad connection for me to have

So I started to lay the groundwork... . I wrote a few long emails... i was going to post them but it's pointless... . as she can't take anything in as it threatens her to much to accept the dark side in herself. A darkside we ALL have...

Anyway,, this thread inspired me as it's the first I have read about someone who also dumped their BPD and was engaged to be married.

I'm most interested now in accessing and better understanding the void that I and so many of us feel.

[HarmKrakow]

I think the main part should literally be NC. Ive been on this forum for months and read 1000s of tbreads and have yet to read a singular topic where breaking contact helped the NON in order for detachment.

In order for us to move forward they need to get out of our lives otberwise we keep drowning in self pity, keep watching facebook photo's and mails and think; "what if... ".

And im not proud to admit it, but I already tried to end my life because of this pain and back in therapy it was all laid back about still making my life about her and re-engage contact.

[mango_flower]

Hey Trevjim - I am where you are, well, some days.  Other days are brighter.

This NC thing confuses me because I feel BETTER and can get on with the next few days if we've checked in with each other... . and if I don't hear from her, I panic and worry (I'm getting therapy for my anxiety starting in a weeks time).

I know what you mean about feeling incomplete now... . I'm not sure how to deal with that. One thing that is helping is nurturing other parts of you, to take up the space left... . for me, I'm spending more time with friends, and thinking of taking up a new language or something x

[Hurt llama]

Hey Trevjim - I am where you are, well, some days.  Other days are brighter.

This NC thing confuses me because I feel BETTER and can get on with the next few days if we've checked in with each other... . and if I don't hear from her, I panic and worry (I'm getting therapy for my anxiety starting in a weeks time).

I know what you mean about feeling incomplete now... . I'm not sure how to deal with that. One thing that is helping is nurturing other parts of you, to take up the space left... . for me, I'm spending more time with friends, and thinking of taking up a new language or something x

I feel exactly the same way and after me unloading all of my thoughts and feelings in excruciating detail today, the hardest part to accept is that she will just go on as she does, fixate on finding another and will fall into infatuation as she calls it very very fast... . and all I accomplished today was make it that much easier for her to do it.

I share the same fear as the OP, that even if i cut her off, I am at risk for later on... in fact I know it... she is not going anywhere... she will be with another victim and fast that's preordained but it is also pre ordained she is incapable of being in a relationship for more than 90 days... she starts to flip out... she needs a lot of alone time... she is extremely edgy if she cant be alone... and she is worse when she is alone...

I can't do more than I am doing... I do know what i 'should' do but have to do this my way unfortunately... and i took the step today... and am trying to prepare for her coming here in two weeks... . I am being tested to see if i have the strength not to see her... but I KNOW... I know as much as I know anything, that she is capable, more than capable of hurting me in the most painful way possible and seeing someone else while here and then a text "sorry. there is no easy way to say this"... . that's what she did to me when i went to see her in October... . and then she dumped me 3 weeks later with that text... i had bought her a very expensive watch and she returned it... she didnt' want to burn a bridge

I have to burn this bridge before she does again... . But in truth... and this much I know... I can suffer with the best of them... I really can... but I am not capable of making the mistake of marrying her or moving in with her or in anyway being responsible for her... I really am in as good a place as I can be in this insanity but the truth is... . the only safe place is out of this game.

[HarmKrakow]

Hey Trevjim - I am where you are, well, some days.  Other days are brighter.

This NC thing confuses me because I feel BETTER and can get on with the next few days if we've checked in with each other... . and if I don't hear from her, I panic and worry (I'm getting therapy for my anxiety starting in a weeks time).

I know what you mean about feeling incomplete now... . I'm not sure how to deal with that. One thing that is helping is nurturing other parts of you, to take up the space left... . for me, I'm spending more time with friends, and thinking of taking up a new language or something x

Mango, i think your anxiety from not hearing her a while also relates to the phases of no contact. As in first few days it actually feels good and then detoriates relatively quickly until you go through all the phases of denial, aggression, hatred etc.

[mtmc01]

My problem with NC was that I expected it would cause her to miss me and it was giving me a false sense of hope. I guess when you find out they're with someone else is when the "real" phase of NC starts... .

[Hurt llama]

I think the main part should literally be NC. Ive been on this forum for months and read 1000s of tbreads and have yet to read a singular topic where breaking contact helped the NON in order for detachment.

In order for us to move forward they need to get out of our lives otberwise we keep drowning in self pity, keep watching facebook photo's and mails and think; "what if... ".

And im not proud to admit it, but I already tried to end my life because of this pain and back in therapy it was all laid back about still making my life about her and re-engage contact.

I know you are right... . in the end... . LC would work for me when I finally connect with someone... but NC is the gold standard... I thank God I did not marry this woman or have a child... she said to me when she moved here, "I would love to have a child wiht you" to which I replied and she never forgave my response which I am proud of... . " I can see why you would want that" lmao

I'm sorry to hear you went so far as to feel you had to end it... that's really sad and I do get the insanity of this sick dynamic... it catches some of us but at a very specific time in our lives... I was prime for this to happen... It cannot happen again... If we do the work we can be safe... but it's not easy at all.

I wanted to add that my exBPDgf has increased her SSRI medication to 20mg of Lexapro... and that is good for her as she is absolutely anxiety panic attacked very easily... BUT the downside of SSRI's and I have a lot of experience with them is that they also can detach a person so much that they are capable of things that they probably shouldn't normally do.

Hard to explain but they have been referred to as 'divorce drugs'...

wish they worked for me... they just dont...

[Hurt llama]

My problem with NC was that I expected it would cause her to miss me and it was giving me a false sense of hope. I guess when you find out they're with someone else is when the "real" phase of NC starts... .

... for me it's almost worse that I know too much... that i can play with her brain if i want and i can undermine any relationship (which I have) and keep her in such a place that she only sees me as the one who understands her (which is probably true)... . yet this stupid game (that starts innocently) keeps me entangled, keeps me in the game.

I wish I could use her and lose her as needed... . She is so available and it's so easy but as someone said to me as I unloaded this story at a bar... "she sounds lethal" This from a total stranger...

He was right... I can't handle just using her... it's just not worth it anymore.

The dream is over... . the dream of just keeping her warm as she does to me

[HarmKrakow]

My problem with NC was that I expected it would cause her to miss me and it was giving me a false sense of hope. I guess when you find out they're with someone else is when the "real" phase of NC starts... .

The only and utter way to detox from someone like this is, as my GP and therapist (and friends as well) told me to fully eradicate and cut the cancer out of your life.

Every, little, thing. Photo's? Away. Mail? Away, even start a new one. Cut her of linkedin/facebook and also cut of the friends you had mutual which you never shared a lot with to begin with. Move your place around. Redecorate your place.

The goal is annihilation of the triggers of the BPD person. Not for her, no, for yourself. When I tried to end my life and ended up seeing the GP and shrink again they were firm enough to ask me, do you still have contact with her? They are willing to give me all sorts of medication to continue with my life, but those medication go very bumpy when i'm still in contact with her. I still remember the GP sitting down, seriously looking me straight in the eyes and say;" Harm, it's over. You can not under no circumstance have contact with her or seek out or reply to her. Promise me that. She will otherwise kill you mentally"...

[HarmKrakow]

I think the main part should literally be NC. Ive been on this forum for months and read 1000s of tbreads and have yet to read a singular topic where breaking contact helped the NON in order for detachment.

wish they worked for me... they just dont...

They don't work for me when I remain in contact with my ex, as they enforce suicidal thoughts, as my GP and shrink told me. They work perfectly fine when i'm ready to rebuild my life ...  :'(

[Hurt llama]

I think the main part should literally be NC. Ive been on this forum for months and read 1000s of tbreads and have yet to read a singular topic where breaking contact helped the NON in order for detachment.

wish they worked for me... they just dont...

They don't work for me when I remain in contact with my ex, as they enforce suicidal thoughts, as my GP and shrink told me. They work perfectly fine when i'm ready to rebuild my life ...  :'(

Yes SSRI's can be amazing medications... . they help so many people but come with a price... . she needs them to survive and for her to move on in her own process... . I do give her that... she is trying her best to get what she needs and while I may know all about what is really going on, everyone moves at their own pace.

Speaking for my own mental healh (or lack of) I am doing laundry and just washed a shirt that I think is hers... I took a picture and sent it asking if it were hers. She is ignoring me as usual and can't blame her considering.

But i did text again and announce the plan officially... . I said... OK... No contact might be best for you or for me... But as we are in the middle of this (stupid business transaction i just did that's now a loan), just keep me abreast of how its going and take care"

She's never been the one to reach as i do... it's always me pulling her in although if I stop she probably maybe will start.

We all klnow that the mind of a BPD person will eventually latch on to the nearest interest or focus and quickly move forward and probably in another infatuation or a series of promiscuity... . I know that the idea of that right now terrifies her... but with the newfound high dose SSRI and the loan i just made ... . i am certain she has her bf if she needs him and probably lining up someone now.

I think I am sicker than her sometimes as I can't blame any of this on not knowing what's going on.

ugh

[HarmKrakow]

I think the main part should literally be NC. Ive been on this forum for months and read 1000s of tbreads and have yet to read a singular topic where breaking contact helped the NON in order for detachment.

wish they worked for me... they just dont...

They don't work for me when I remain in contact with my ex, as they enforce suicidal thoughts, as my GP and shrink told me. They work perfectly fine when i'm ready to rebuild my life ...  :'(

Yes SSRI's can be amazing medications... . they help so many people but come with a price... . she needs them to survive and for her to move on in her own process... . I do give her that... she is trying her best to get what she needs and while I may know all about what is really going on, everyone moves at their own pace.

Speaking for my own mental healh (or lack of) I am doing laundry and just washed a shirt that I think is hers... I took a picture and sent it asking if it were hers. She is ignoring me as usual and can't blame her considering.

But i did text again and announce the plan officially... . I said... OK... No contact might be best for you or for me... But as we are in the middle of this (stupid business transaction i just did that's now a loan), just keep me abreast of how its going and take care"

She's never been the one to reach as i do... it's always me pulling her in although if I stop she probably maybe will start.

We all klnow that the mind of a BPD person will eventually latch on to the nearest interest or focus and quickly move forward and probably in another infatuation or a series of promiscuity... . I know that the idea of that right now terrifies her... but with the newfound high dose SSRI and the loan i just made ... . i am certain she has her bf if she needs him and probably lining up someone now.

I think I am sicker than her sometimes as I can't blame any of this on not knowing what's going on.

ugh

All i read in ur post is, her, her and her. Ur still quite tangled in her...  You need to let go brother.

[Hurt llama]

Hey Trevjim - I am where you are, well, some days.  Other days are brighter.

This NC thing confuses me because I feel BETTER and can get on with the next few days if we've checked in with each other... . and if I don't hear from her, I panic and worry (I'm getting therapy for my anxiety starting in a weeks time).

I know what you mean about feeling incomplete now... . I'm not sure how to deal with that. One thing that is helping is nurturing other parts of you, to take up the space left... . for me, I'm spending more time with friends, and thinking of taking up a new language or something x

Mango, i think your anxiety from not hearing her a while also relates to the phases of no contact. As in first few days it actually feels good and then detoriates relatively quickly until you go through all the phases of denial, aggression, hatred etc.

I am sitting here just getting madder... . I feel like such an idiot... . she comes to me, has sex with me for 4 days... creates a fight before leaving by suddenly withholding sex and blaming it on me... . then goes home and disappears and reappears 24 hours later and leads me to think she was on a date and had sex... . but the truth was not much different... she was wtih her bf and had sex and a huge fight that he wants her to move in!

and I lent her money... saved her butt...

then she wants to come back in two weeks for business and when asked tells me she would date the business guy who she ahd a sick affair with (her twins' bf?)

and I am sending HER emails explaining things?

I am brainwashed... and boy... . she is way better at LC than me... . and i will get stronger and I dont care if she gets weaker or not... . The goal I know is detachment... . I can do this. Nothing can stop me... Not even me!

[HarmKrakow]

Hey Trevjim - I am where you are, well, some days.  Other days are brighter.

This NC thing confuses me because I feel BETTER and can get on with the next few days if we've checked in with each other... . and if I don't hear from her, I panic and worry (I'm getting therapy for my anxiety starting in a weeks time).

I know what you mean about feeling incomplete now... . I'm not sure how to deal with that. One thing that is helping is nurturing other parts of you, to take up the space left... . for me, I'm spending more time with friends, and thinking of taking up a new language or something x

Mango, i think your anxiety from not hearing her a while also relates to the phases of no contact. As in first few days it actually feels good and then detoriates relatively quickly until you go through all the phases of denial, aggression, hatred etc.

I am sitting here just getting madder... . I feel like such an idiot... . she comes to me, has sex with me for 4 days... creates a fight before leaving by suddenly withholding sex and blaming it on me... . then goes home and disappears and reappears 24 hours later and leads me to think she was on a date and had sex... . but the truth was not much different... she was wtih her bf and had sex and a huge fight that he wants her to move in!

and I lent her money... saved her butt...

then she wants to come back in two weeks for business and when asked tells me she would date the business guy who she ahd a sick affair with (her twins' bf?)

and I am sending HER emails explaining things?

I am brainwashed... and boy... . she is way better at LC than me... . and i will get stronger and I dont care if she gets weaker or not... . The goal I know is detachment... . I can do this. Nothing can stop me... Not even me!

Run I can relate to a lot you have written there and all i can say is please for the love of all what is alive, go away from her. Go away. Work on yourself brother, from a basis where she is not involved. She will take all your mental energy until you have none left.

[grad]

--deleted

posted on the wrong thread

[healingmyheart]

I broke off my relationship with my ex over a month ago.  He continued to try to text me and pull me in... . I did my best to maintain limited to NC.  It was excruciatingly hard.

He went to therapy per my request this past Thursday.  He contacted me via text to discuss the fact that he went to therapy per my advice.  I'm glad he did but I know that he will say his version of his reality which means nothing will get accomplished.  My counselor said that it would take a while for any doctor to get past the layers and see the BPD in him... . he comes across so normal and he is very believable.  So do I think going to see a psychologist on his terms is going to help... . of course not. Needless to say, he has no idea he has BPD and would be in denial should I ever try to discuss it with him so I don't even try. 

Nonetheless, I am now conversing on "friendly" terms with him.  Should I be... . of course NOT!

Why am I talking with him then?  Because that empty feeling inside my stomach is gone and I'm not sad.  He is making me feel better.  

I've told him I cannot and will not go back to him and he says he gets it... . but does he really get it or is he trying to recycle me?  I'm sure I know the answer but just to have the pain go away if only for a short while feels so good.  

He says he is ok just being friends... . I don't know what to do.  How do I move forward when I have this friend who oversteps boundaries and will always question me having other men in my life.  I know he still wants me for whatever reason.  He had a good thing and blew it.  I loved him so much.  After the lies and deceit, my feelings towards him changed and I knew I would NEVER be able to trust him hence no relationship.  

I don't know what to do... . I feel like I'm a dope addict and I just had to reach out and get my fix again.  

Why do I not have the strength i need to let go forever?

[Hurt llama]

I broke off my relationship with my ex over a month ago.  He continued to try to text me and pull me in... . I did my best to maintain limited to NC.  It was excruciatingly hard.

He went to therapy per my request this past Thursday.  He contacted me via text to discuss the fact that he went to therapy per my advice.  I'm glad he did but I know that he will say his version of his reality which means nothing will get accomplished.  My counselor said that it would take a while for any doctor to get past the layers and see the BPD in him... . he comes across so normal and he is very believable.  So do I think going to see a psychologist on his terms is going to help... . of course not. Needless to say, he has no idea he has BPD and would be in denial should I ever try to discuss it with him so I don't even try. 

Nonetheless, I am now conversing on "friendly" terms with him.  Should I be... . of course NOT!

Why am I talking with him then?  Because that empty feeling inside my stomach is gone and I'm not sad.  He is making me feel better.  

I've told him I cannot and will not go back to him and he says he gets it... . but does he really get it or is he trying to recycle me?  I'm sure I know the answer but just to have the pain go away if only for a short while feels so good.  

He says he is ok just being friends... . I don't know what to do.  How do I move forward when I have this friend who oversteps boundaries and will always question me having other men in my life.  I know he still wants me for whatever reason.  He had a good thing and blew it.  I loved him so much.  After the lies and deceit, my feelings towards him changed and I knew I would NEVER be able to trust him hence no relationship.  

I don't know what to do... . I feel like I'm a dope addict and I just had to reach out and get my fix again.  

Why do I not have the strength i need to let go forever?

It's different for each of us. Let's be clear about something too... . just because we have been hurt by 'them' it doesn't mean we are all so mentally healthy and strong either... obviously... But at the same time, mine entered my life at a time I felt a void BEFORE I met her... and I was vulnerable.

It's so interesting to read about others who are in such identical condition regardless even if they did the dumping! I almost wish she had dumped me! I really think I would have recovered much faster... but that's just a fantasy.

It's almost as though my ex were reading this thread... the minute i posted how angry I was she sent me a beautiful email and expressed feelings that she rarely (if ever) does...

I'd like to say it had no effect on me and i ignored it but no.

At the end of the day we each have our ways and timeframes and timelines and it's hard to extinguish the 'wish'... and I have had success wtih all my other significant others that I am no longer involved with... The end of a 20 year relationship with my wife felt like death... and yet I survived it and we are friendly and care about each other but clearly she was an impossible NPD (ugh).

It's probably unhealthy but in all of my relationships, in business and personal, I always go the highest road and i put a big value on no bad feelings and peace...

And with me exBPDgf... . i truly know that after finally making this diagnosis that she's not a sociopath and that she absolutely loves me and feels the same as I do towards her... but the illness is deep and if she at least were able to acknowledge that there would be a (slim) chance... but as she's not... . it just goes on and on (and thank you again God that she is 3000 miles away!)

I'm in control. I hold the cards. I have her if I want her and know it can't work out or maybe years from now and I pray I am happily in love much sooner than that!

I know I am the same as many of you and yes, I did do drugs by allowing her to open up.

Not proud. But life is great and I am a lucky man in all ways other than this!

I have great plans this weekend and I'm allowing myself, I hope a break... I have other stuff to be thinking about.

I know it's exhausting to read about ups and downs without screaming NO CONTACT.

I couldn't bear hearing a story such as mine for too long either. : <