Newton's first law of motion

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Another excellent session with my T today. Since I am a scientist, she used a science approach with me today. She said - "you know physics right. there is this thing where an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an external force. the human psyche is the same way. she will keep doing what she is doing as long as she is getting whatever she wants with her current behavior. why should she change? only when she knows her current behavior isn't working anymore, only then will she make an effort to change."

This was in relation to what will I do if she contacts me again. I had replied I do not want to talk to her unless something big has happened and she is thinking about therapy. If something has, I will ask her why is she contacting me. And my T said - "even asking that 'why' is playing her game. and as long as you are playing her game, why will she do anything different."

When I was a new member in these forums in early 2013, I was still the rescuer who thought I could save her. Nearly all new members are. And the old members or those who were in long term relationships always said "run! run as far away as you can". I used to think these people didn't try enough or are just bitter. Today, after experiencing 1.5 more years of ups and down, and having the cloud lift from my eyes about stuff I missed over the past decade, I would say the same thing to new members. Run! Unless they are in years of therapy and have accepted their illness, this cycle will continue. There will never be peace as long as they are undiagnosed and not in treatment. If you want peace, run!

[elessar]

Another excellent session with my T today. Since I am a scientist, she used a science approach with me today. She said - "you know physics right. there is this thing where an object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an external force. the human psyche is the same way. she will keep doing what she is doing as long as she is getting whatever she wants with her current behavior. why should she change? only when she knows her current behavior isn't working anymore, only then will she make an effort to change."

This was in relation to what will I do if she contacts me again. I had replied I do not want to talk to her unless something big has happened and she is thinking about therapy. If something has, I will ask her why is she contacting me. And my T said - "even asking that 'why' is playing her game. and as long as you are playing her game, why will she do anything different."

When I was a new member in these forums in early 2013, I was still the rescuer who thought I could save her. Nearly all new members are. And the old members or those who were in long term relationships always said "run! run as far away as you can". I used to think these people didn't try enough or are just bitter. Today, after experiencing 1.5 more years of ups and down, and having the cloud lift from my eyes about stuff I missed over the past decade, I would say the same thing to new members. Run! Unless they are in years of therapy and have accepted their illness, this cycle will continue. There will never be peace as long as they are undiagnosed and not in treatment. If you want peace, run!

[LettingGo14]

If you want peace, run!

Hello Elessar,

Thank you for sharing the T experience -- always helpful to hear perspectives like that.  

I would like to comment on the "run" aspect with an alternative perspective.  I offer this respectfully -- as one who is on the leaving board, and who experienced tremendous pain after my own relationship ended.

There is a spectrum of experience here.  Typically, people in our forum (leaving) have ended a relationship (or have had a relationship ended).  One of the core messages, that has helped many here, is "detach" rather than "run."   I make the distinction only because "run" is not always an option, for a variety of reasons.   And, also because "to detach" recognizes the "process" involved (see stages to the right).

Also, for other new members, who end up on other boards (staying, undecided, family), "run" is not an option -- and there are other tools people use to work through their specific situations.

I hope that makes sense and, again, I offer it respectfully.

Glad we are all in this together.

[freedom33]

Well said by your T. Just by responding you are back in the game. And yes - why would you want to stick around if you don't have kids or other aspects in your life make it difficult to detach. And the point you are making about whether she gets in therapy or not? Well, my exgf was in therapy herself for almost a decade. She still had very strong BP traits (except suicide ideation that I wasn't aware of at least). It didnt make it much easier - difference is that she learned to manage her rage episodes - instead of raging she would simply leave the scene.  When about 3 months in the relationship I found about the disorder and brought it up she never acknowledged it. Shall I make this even more interesting? She graduated as a T herself recently. Up to this day I am puzzled if she actually knew that she had BP traits or her narcissism didn't allow her to admit it. I 'd bet the latter.

[elessar]

I agree that I used poor choice of words. My apologies. I had just read that in another forum, and I have a brain freeze moment. Normally, I am the person who never asks anyone to run away from any relationship.

I was trying to say that don't be like me - a wannabe savior/white knight.

And yes, as many people also attest, even therapy does not always work.

This time around, I had decided not to play her game and not lose sight of what she is capable of. I am just pissed that after everything, I let my guard down. And the day i did, she was gone. I told that to my T and her reply was - "yup, because when you told her you loved her, she got to hear what she wanted to hear."