I feel ashamed Why am I not upset?

[jalbright]

It’s has now been about 3 weeks or so since me my ex gfwBPD and I split up and she moved out. She is still a bit of an emotional wreck while quite honestly I’m not.  I’m feeling much better and recovering much quicker than I would have ever thought. I’m not heartbroken, I’m not longing for her back. While she obviously is and desperately still wants us to work. This make me feel a bit ashamed and cold hearted though.  It’s like she’s at rock bottom emotionally and has a crushed heart while I’m basically enjoying this breath of fresh air and excited for the future, it makes me feel like a bad person at times…like how could I be this okay this quickly while she’s a wreck?

The only sadness I really feel is when I still feel I need to be concerned with her wellbeing. She is a grown woman and she is responsible for herself and I need to remind myself of that. I do care for her and want her to get better. She’s continuing therapy (btw I sent her therapist a $300 check when we split to help her pay for sessions) and wants so badly to get better and get back together.  I feel as though I’m just in need of a fresh start no matter what progress she may have. If she betters herself then she should just show that with a new man when the times right. Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[jalbright]

I should also mention that my birthday is in 10 days and she insists on seeing me for my birthday.  I dont know maybe just a dinner or something.  However, I just really dont see what good that will do. A part of me wants to do it just to check up on her and see how shes doing and to just enjoy a dinner in support of one another. but Ijust dont want her to end up gettting all emotional and going down that road.

[Changed4safety]

I don't think you are.  I think the survival instinct in you recognizes this for what it is--something you needed desperately, on a level of needing food and shelter.  Living with a person with BPD is like living in a house that might flood at any given moment.  It's not a safe, stable place emotionally.  I sometimes find that when I feel that way I actively TRY to make myself unhappy--it's an old pattern in me.  Told my therapist that not depressing, frightening, beating myself up felt "uncomfortable."  He said, "Be uncomfortable."  LOL! 

What might help that guilt and shame for feeling at peace when she is not would be to mentally lovingly send her good wishes.  That you hope she will heal, that you want her to feel good about herself, etc.  But let go of YOUR need/want to provide that FOR her. 

As for the birthday... . it's your birthday.  Do what is best for YOU.  If you want to see her, then do, but put your safeguards up.  If not, then don't.  And yes, I know it's hard!

[Surnia]

jalbright

Good to hear you feel better most of the time. 

The other moments when you feel guilty about her: Sounds like a bit FOG. Its your life, she is a adult person, and like Changes said: Its your birthday!

[jalbright]

Hey it is MY birthday isn't it! 

[Surnia]

Happy birthday, jalbright! 

I wish you all the best, a lot of cake, friends, strength and what ever you need.

[Clearmind]

Healing is sometimes not linear. I recall sometimes going forward and sometimes back or even in circles.

It's also possible that you came to a degree of acceptance prior to the actual separation - I.e. didn't come as a surprise.

Either way this freedom from emotional turmoil about her means you have more brain space to work on you!