So Upset Right Now

[kelti1972]

Hi:

I have been on vacation and just came home.  Got on the board because I haven't been able to be on for a week.  Was reading peoples posts and responding and my BPD OCPD PTSD, came in and starting looking at my computer.  I said don't look at my stuff.  I felt guilty after that and went in his room and asked him if he felt I snapped at him.  He said no.  A little while later he comes in and tells me I should not be reading these boards, and not reading stuff about BPD because I could get misinformation about him  They didn't write a book about him, his therapist says he is high functioning and I can talk with him. 

At first I reacted and lit into him, saying it was a boundary and I did things for me, to help me.  He said it was related to him. As I calmed down and got hold of my emotions and tried to talk more objectivly and not be defensive.  I said I understood and I learn alot from him and always have and will continue to do so.  That this site was for me to have friends and not feel so alone.  Later I realized I could have just said I understood and I will talk with him when I have questions.  I also asked him if we could talk to his therapist and see if we could call once in awhile to ask about his treatment and how we could help.  I reminded him that was in the boundary he drew up before he came home, that we could touch base once and a while about how his DBT was going and his therapy.

He said he would talk with her, but that one of her therapies is to get him more independent of his family.  Maybe he could bring a note home from her or something that says how he is doing.  We couldnt call her, but he would talk with her.  Sometimes I get so confussed with my son and his stories  He says he is an addict, then he says he is not and is adomite about it, then he says he had a mental breakdown the day we kicked him out, not a reaction to an overdose of drugs.  Then he says his therapist says it is ok for him to drink moderately and that she agrees he is not an addict.  Then he says she will call us, and she doesn't, now he says we cannot call her and he will talk with her.  I want to scream and pull my hair out sometimes.  Agggggg!  I am feeling emotional after our interaction and now he is off to therapy.

Any comments or ideas I would appreciate.  Thank U Kelti1972

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry that happened Kelti. 

You deserve to have support from others who understand and can validate you, just like your son does. 

Once, early in my membership here my daughter said she didn't think it was right for me to write about her life here on the site.  I replied "you write about me to your friends on facebook and that's not anonymous, this is." she argued that it's her life and she didn't want strangers reading about it. I told her this is about how your life affects mine, it is for me not against you and I am learning how to better communicate with you and take care of myself.  I get to decide how I do that the same way you get to decide how to get support from your friends.

A few years later when she was in long term rtc she actually bragged about my efforts to help her and others who walk the same path here on the site.  One day your son may do the same.

Today she asks about how the members here are doing and has given me advice from a recovered teen w/BPD perspective so we have come full circle.

Wonders never cease and God's grace knows no limits.

Keep standing up for yourself Kelti, we've got your back.

lbj

[kelti1972]

Thank you ibjn.  I will keep standing up for myself.  After he went to therapy he called me and said my husband and I could call his therapist.  He said she gave him some information for us.  He seemed to make a breakthrough at therapy that he has learned to tell stories to get out of his intense pain.  When he came home he gave us the paper she gave him and it has our site on there and the books I am reading.

I finally got validation from my husband.  He said our son was out of line reading and budding into private my time to take care of me.  There is no way I would stop learning, reading posting on here.  Maybe someday he will be like your daughter and see how much I love him and care.  Care enough to take care of myself and learn about this illness so i can be more supportive to him.

Thank you again!

[madmom]

Good for you Kelti---it truly made the most difference for me and my husband in dealing with and having a relationship with our BPD daughter when we started working on ourselves and how we communicated, set reasonable boundaries that we both were willing to enforce, and learned to work together and not allow enabling or splitting.  It sounds like your family is on the right path.  Like you, I had to dig in my heels and keep fighting the good fight to get everyone onboard, but it is so worth it.  All of our lives are so much better, and I hope that yours will find at least as much success and happiness.

[kelti1972]

madmom:

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I will keep fighting.  I will do anything I can to help our son and help our family and ourselves no matter how long it may take.  Kelti