My BPD ex is remarrying

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD ex has been in a relationship for about 2 years now. They got engaged in the fall. They have been in the idealization phase and everything is fantastic... .  They are getting ready to buy a house and move in together. When I moved in with my ex that is when everything fell apart. His BPD became apparent, although I didn't know what it was until several years later.

I have been over the relationship for a long time now, and don't think I would have had any feelings about my ex getting married to someone else... .  but he is marrying someone I know. It is one of my neighbors. I see her from time to time and have such a hard time talking to her. I know what the poor woman is in for. The part that really kills me is that she has a little girl from a previous relationship. I didn't have kids with my ex because I didn't want to bring them into an abusive relationship. It isn't my place to tell her about his BPD... .  so I don't say anything but I feel an intense guilt about it. How do you let go of something like that?

[v123uf4]

My BPD ex has been in a relationship for about 2 years now. They got engaged in the fall. They have been in the idealization phase and everything is fantastic... .  They are getting ready to buy a house and move in together. When I moved in with my ex that is when everything fell apart. His BPD became apparent, although I didn't know what it was until several years later.

I have been over the relationship for a long time now, and don't think I would have had any feelings about my ex getting married to someone else... .  but he is marrying someone I know. It is one of my neighbors. I see her from time to time and have such a hard time talking to her. I know what the poor woman is in for. The part that really kills me is that she has a little girl from a previous relationship. I didn't have kids with my ex because I didn't want to bring them into an abusive relationship. It isn't my place to tell her about his BPD... .  so I don't say anything but I feel an intense guilt about it. How do you let go of something like that?

[mango_flower]

Horrible situation!

This is not your fault.  And I honestly think that no matter WHAT you said, she wouldn't listen.

I heard through the rumour mill (from a friend of a friend) "Stay away from X, she has issues" and I chose not to believe it.  I didn't want to see it.  And nor will she.

If your ex had a history of domestic violence or sexual abuse then I know I'd have to say something... .  but anything else and I feel she really wouldn't listen.

All you can do is spot the signs, and be available if she wants to talk.

[v123uf4]

There was never any physical abuse. He did smash things when he was raging. Emotional abuse was a daily occurrence. The only other thing that concerns me was one time that he left his computer screen on with a short story he was reading up on the screen. It was from a porn site, and the story was about a man having sex with his daughter. He said it was the first time he ever read something like that and it was just a curiosity but I have always been uneasy about it.

[mango_flower]

There was never any physical abuse. He did smash things when he was raging. Emotional abuse was a daily occurrence. The only other thing that concerns me was one time that he left his computer screen on with a short story he was reading up on the screen. It was from a porn site, and the story was about a man having sex with his daughter. He said it was the first time he ever read something like that and it was just a curiosity but I have always been uneasy about it.

That is HORRIBLE!  Oh God. Do you have any friends in common?

I wish I knew what to advise... .  I am at a loss here.

Would you fear any reprisal if you spoke to this lady at all?

[v123uf4]

We have multiple friends in common. Several of them witnessed an incident where my ex got in a fight with some teenage kids over littering and the police had to be called. Another time we were out with friends and got something to eat from a food stand. They got the order wrong and that set him off... .  he was screaming at the workers about their incompetence. So they are not totally unaware of the situation.