he's back so...a little help

[zonnebloem]

So,

I told you how upset I am/was because my BD is abroa with his daughters who don't even want their dad to date.

I wanted him to tell the eldest one that she should not even ask how much money he spends on us.

I didn't hear him for 9 days and  I was frustrated about it.
Then 3 days ago, he called me and asked if I was home. He had just gotten back. I was so glad that I didn't have time for him because I was out with a friend and we drove in her brand new car, open roof, hair in the wind.
I didn't call him back because I had told him that I could NOT agree with how he acts.
In fact he had broken our relationship because his girls are very jealous and he doens't have the power to correct them. When I criticize him, he starts a scéne.
So I need to stand my ground! I told him my limits and I know I have to be strong to keep them.
But... .I feel it's in vain.
He is the type that says... .if he tries long enough, he 'll be in my life... .for good, till the end of our days... .
God... .cannot dream of living with such a jealous gay!

Last night het texted: "Love you very very very much, you stupid animal."
This afternoon I asked why he called me an animal and he answered it is the only way that I'll react.
I ask... .so... .what animal may I be... .and he answers... .one that will carry his name.
Oh my God!
He even names the dog of his daughter after him!
I feel so bored and so and I would love him to join me for a swim in the sea;
Yet... .what a horrible mistake it would be to be back together!
Help?
You must now: My father was a BD and my family has suffered big style.
Even to he point that we are "all alone".
Today I went to the pub where the son of my youngest sister works.
As I sat waiting to be served, I informed a couple that sat next to me that I am the aunt of the waiter and that I'd be surprised if he remembers me.
Oh well... .it was chocking to now that the lad did not even know that I excist!
So chocking that others in the pub said: "how sad" . But he was glad to meet me. To a certain point; kids are so loyal to their parents.
I told him not to tell his mother he'd met me. I said it is for his own good because. When his dad once told my sister that he'd had drunk a coffee with me, she chased him with an ax! So, this brother-in-law told me not even to say "hello" when we meet and his wife (my sister) is with him.
I told him that I will say hello to whoever I want to say hello to.

Strange, but 3 years ago I did the same with the son-in-law (now ex) from my second sister (he works in another pub) and he vagely knew about my existence.

Help me in this ongoing issue? Thanks.

[Wize]

What is your question regarding your pwBPD?  And, I think it's BPD, not BD... .unless you're referring to something other than borderline personality disorder.

[fromheeltoheal]

Help me in this ongoing issue? Thanks.

The right thing to do is make a decision, a real decision.  You either want to be with this guy, and all that entails, or you don't, and when we make a real decision we cut off any other possibility; if you don't want to be with him, it's over, today, and if you do, there are other boards on this site for people who are in relationships with borderlines and want to make them better.

So what is your decision?

[zonnebloem]

 

Thanks, I feel I cannot have him out of my life.
Friendship is not possible neither, I guess.

OK... .I'll jump to the other thread.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Wize, Ok for correcting me... .I'm from Belgium.


BPD. I pray.
I must say that the last time we met, he took a day holiday for us.
He drove 2 hours to be together.
I asked him to praise the lord, to praise Jesus and we did have a nice day.

I feel I want to see him again and be on the beach again and swim.
He 's the one that makes me cross borders, he takes me out where I lock myself in;
He is texting wise things now, no more insults.
With my familystory I wanted to point out how lonely it is without family.
I still have the key of the house of my "BPD"... .what's in a name? So I'll have to see him sooner or later.
I'll jump to another board and see how others manage when the decison cannot be made.
thanks. haleluja

[gotbushels]

 

Why can a decision not be made? What are you thoughts about this decision? 

The text was tough to read. I hope you're feeling better.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Gothbust.

Why a decision cannot be made?
MMM... .good question. Because I think about the good times we can have.
Because I don't know anybody who pays that (little) attention to me, because he is intelligent and because he has a few trips planned for both.

Saying that... .Today I texted him that I had enough and he rang me, asking to be patient till Friday because he's on his way to France with the 16-year ols daughter because he has her in co-parenting till the end of the week and at home she'd be bored. So he is taking her to a place that he got to know because him and me had been there. I've Always longed to back and see the young horses again that were born in that week.
He mentioned to go camping but said he forgoet his tent. I sais WHAT? the 2 of you an a tent? So he say's he'll buy 2 tents to make me feel relaxed.

I througly have enough. I feel I dislike his daughters that much that I even envy girls that look alike. I noticed that sometimes I see a girl that looks like his 25 year old and I feel hate.

So... .it MUST stop. I texed him that I finaly had enough.
I'll use his key and return his stuff that is at my place and mine back.
I am so sick of being involved in a "nearly-incest-story".

I did feel sorry for him. He asked not to take my stuff, not to "abandon" him for te girl he left the mother of his kids for did the same and he was suïcidel.

So sick of this girls running after their daddy and it makes me feel like I tred in the ___ and cannot get rid of it.

Thanks!

[fromheeltoheal]

So... .it MUST stop. I texed him that I finaly had enough.
I'll use his key and return his stuff that is at my place and mine back.

Now there's a decision.  What can we do to help you follow through?

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello from Heeltoheel.

May I realy do so? Return his key (that he gave without me asking for it) an take my stuff and return his?
I'll feel guilty, afraid I'll be sorry.
At this very moment he is texting me that he is in France, camping (2 tents) and seeing the horses that we both have seen when they were a day old... .I have asked him to go there again.

Cannot help to tekst him:" you are so funny to be there without me. so ___ing funny."

Why am I so childish... .I must be glad he does what pleases him... .the horses, greating the sun with Sunrise... .you know, he has a job in an office and he hates to be locked up... .he loves to be outside (like me)

What can you do to make me do wat I decided to do? I said I was not gonna answer  his text and yip... .what do I do?
Isn't it a good thing he takes  his girl out camping (never knew she'd like it)
He texts me he is thankfull that  he knows the place because of me and asks for patience.

I know... .I know... .been hanging on in this "relationship" far too long!

So... .how can you persuade me?
Last time I entended to do (change stuff) he was home and realy glad to see me and we went out in the city Brussels and we took the dog out who even has the family-name.
I am laughing as I write this... .but it is sad tough... .he is soo into family.

Oh my God... will I ever get out of this... .SANE?
Sorry, it feels like I am waisting your time, I realise now.

[fromheeltoheal]

So... .how can you persuade me?

I'm not going to try and persuade you to do anything.

But it is simple:

1.  What do you want?  What's the goal?
2.  Make a decision, a real one.

I'm wondering how serious you are about all of this.

[zonnebloem]

 
Good morning.

Everything I said is true.
Thinking about it, I started to hate him.
He is dedicating singing with Sunrise to me. Sweet or sad?

It is true that I am not serious with him nor with myself.
Not anymore. I have been,very much.

He won't understand it when I go in his house now and swop our belongings.
He'll just say that I am jealous.
He'll be hurt. I'll be hurt.

When he rang me yesterday he said that he told his eldest daughter that it is the last time he takes her on a trip, the 2 of them... .that she must find a friend to travel with.
There I feel I reached a goal. Since she was giving comment on the money he spends for us both, I have asked him to correct her. I told him over and over again that she should travel with friends and not with my boyfriend.

My boyfriend... .true... .now it feels like I keep controling him although , in fact, we split up.

Driving to  his house means 100 km one way.

When I drove my car yesterday I damaged it, driving into a pole,backwards.

A question: Does it harm me that he adores a picture of me? He has a picture in his mind from when we first met. (three years later,being divorced, he contacted me) I gave him a picture from that time. He keeps adoring that picture, and keeps saying to his relatives and friends that the woman on this piture is his girlfriend.
Serious... .can that harm me when we stay serious about not being boy-girlfriend? Must I ask the picture back?

Last year, when he came back from a trip with his daughters, I was so glad to see him and the sexs was good.
Guess, this year he expected the same, coming back from Ireland, but I didn't let him in, neither did I look him up. I had warned him.

He proposes to see us Saturday and go a day out. So he keeps his word in not looking for sexs, not coming overnight.

My psy told me to leave the matter father-girl-relationship to her mother.
She is aware that the relationship is not healthy.

He has changed since he is, was, is, was with me. So told our therapist.
She says he's not been able to love anyone like he loves me.

Serous? I have been hurt too many times, I don't feel I'll take another guy in my life.

So... .no... I am not serious about driving to his house.
It is not worth it, for the very few belongings we have from each other.

I kept my borders in not having much clothes or valuble things in his house.
The things he used to have over here ,are with him.

I told him our relationship is over -April- and asked him to take all his belongings with him. So he did, but he asked me, as a little child, to keep one summershirt with me.
I felt compassion and it is still here.

Full moon last night, little sleep... .reflecting upon things.

Say that one day I'll be ill or have  a broken leg or so... .he'll be the one I can turn to.

My family proved me that they sooner see me in the gutter.
They never understood that I was a rebel, putting up with a BPD-father that would beat me, putting up with a mother that stayed quiet for not to be beaten again and putting up with the sisters-brother-relationship full of stress and little love and compassion.

I came to a conclusion that I have , indeed, given my ex,  BPD a lot more than I realised. I gave him the taste of "being in the nature", where his family is materialistic.

I must not be mad at him. He says he'll Always call me darling and he'll Always remember me as being his darling.

Think I am learning about love.

Thanks to this community I also learned to stand my ground.

What is the goal? What do I want?

I want to feel that the struggle we went through over a year was not in vain.
I want to leave behind all the bad words, bad thinking, tears.

I want to benifit from the freedom I gained and the love I feel, knowing that I'll never be as lonely anymore as I was before I met him.

I've been able to open my heart and I want to benifit from that.
My goal is to enjoy life, with and without him.
My goal is to stop hating and to forgive.
I am not perfect, he is not perfect, that family is not perfect.

When I see him again, I'll keep asking to praise Jesus befor we start our journey.

My goal is to grow towards love and to protect my bounderies.

My goal is to return with him to that place, with the horses, where he's camping now.
My goal is to see him again and laugh about his trip to Ireland, by car, in the pissing rain with 2 miserable daughters.

My goal is that I'll enjoy today and tomorrow and everyday after.
I'll enjoy my freedom and the love I'll feel with the people I talk to because
I become more and more someone people can chat with;
Before, I was too miserable because I had to struggle through life.

My gaol is to see what I have, rather than what I have not.

My goal is not wanting to hurt "him" anymore for the hurtfull things he has said and done.

My goal is to forgive today what was and see what brings tomorrow.
I want me to realise that I have done well with "him"... BPD or not (what's in a name?)
And I pray to let go of all my anger.

So... .I'll do what I want today and I'll cycle... .30, 70 km? To the beach and back.
And thanks to guide me.
Have a good day too. Praise the lord.

[zonnebloem]

 

To add to my story... .I wrote that I said that "things are over" when he does go on holiday with his 2 girls... .April.

Yet... .it is true that in March he said "things are over" because he couldn't live with the rivality me and his daughters. I had also said that after the terrorist-bombattact in Brussels I didn't feel like being there often. He lives there.

True... .the scenario he wrote , "us", was dedicated to wanting someone to be with him and his girl (16)  and -of course- that couldn't work out for she wouln't let go of daddy. and vice-versa... even last month, at a party with friends of him/us/her she said she Always will stay with daddy.

Ok ok the "real decision" has not been made... .but he's not a danger, he's not in my house, just in my head.

[zonnebloem]

 

It is soo hot outside I keep hanging on to this board! Closed to be adicted.
I feel like taking my tent and join the campers! BPD and his daughters amongst the horses.

O great... .I start to be jealous now.

[zonnebloem]

 

Hello Fromheeltoheel,

Please, advise me.
Today I decided not to text my ex for 27 days. The logest he has left me in silent retreat is 9 days, so I said I'll make it 3 times 9.
I have told him several times that I have had enough.

We didn't text yesterday.
I am feeling comfortable being alone again and to be free from his control and mindbraking issues.

BUT WHAT IS HAPPENING now?
He is in France with his 16-year old daugter.
He fell of a horse and has his ribs damaged.
He texts that he cannot sit and finds it difficult to lay down.

He doens't ASK my help.
Although I had just decided NOT to text, I texted if his Insurance would bring him home and his car and the daughter.

Shall I go and get them? What would you advise me now?
Wait till he asks my help?

Please, advise me!

[fromheeltoheal]

You either want to be in a relationship with this guy or you don't.  If you want to be in a relationship, tell him.  If you don't, tell him that too, and then block all of the ways he could contact you, and do not contact him.  It's easier if you make it simple.

[zonnebloem]

 

So... .My "partner" who very often leaves me for his kids... .who broke our rs to go abroad for one month with his daughters (but we were still seeing us till he went on holiday) he is back.
To say... .he was very much looking forward to see me this W-end.
I was very conflicted, still am.

I texted him that we said "things are over" if he keeps putting his daughters in the first place... .cannot forgive how he left breakfast (September) with me to run to his 16-year old (no emergency) and how they organised their trip (Juy) behind my back.

He is camping now with his 16-year old daughter at a place that he knows thanks to me. I wasn't invited to come with, he asked me to have patience till they got back.

So, last night I texted him that I feel too upset to see him this W-end.

I had the choice... .he would come to see me or we would go abroad to the spot where he is now.
Altough he is hurt since he fell of a horse.

And now he texts me that he is very sad that I decide to live my life without him.
And what do I miss? The good times... .his positive (childish) thinking... .at least I got somewhere with him! He is brave in a way where I have given up.

But no... .one cannot call it "normal" relationship because -as he says too- he will rather choose tebe with his 16-year-old ldaughter and to see them together makes me feel sick.
He talks like her, he walks like her and she says she will Always be with daddy (altough she has a boyfriend who is probably waiting for her till daddy drives her back home with his nearly-broken-chest)
I know co-parenting must be tuff but to defend -no correct- your daughters (who don't want daddy to date) the way he does is too much .

Sure I do miss the good things about "us", but the price is high!
A little support for wht I go through aub?

He says no to text me anymore because today is a sad day and he is hurt.
Guess he is not all THAT sad because his girl is with him till tonight.