This is pretty dark stuff.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Mod note: This discussion was split from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333126.0

Maybe I’m getting ahead of the conversation. I’m sorry if I’ve done that. For some of us, this stuff dates back to childhood in one way or another. It’s deeply rooted and has been passed down through generations. Bad, pathological behavior. There have been testimonies here where a member decides to end that pathology and forge a new path. No more garbage. That’s what I was hinting at.

“Abuse”, .emotional, psychological, and physical... .either sexual or other... .are almost always present in the preceding generations in a family.

If “she” was abused by a sibling, a blood or step father, or uncle or errant boyfriend of mum... .money says, mom was abused too, as well grandmother, and aunts... .such as the generations pass down from one sibling to the next.

This is pretty dark stuff.

Breaking the cycle most time comes in the “outside persons”; husband or wife, that “marries in”... .and once family secrets are disclosed... .discovered, takes action to expose... .thus preventing it from spilling into their family... .

Often this is very volatile... .as the foo will in most cases... .go to great ends to keep the foo family secrets... .

Very interesting... .but also horrifying.

I’ve lived this first hand in my first marriage.

May peace, safety and harmony engulf you all !

Red5

[Red5]

Mod note: This discussion was split from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333126.0

Maybe I’m getting ahead of the conversation. I’m sorry if I’ve done that. For some of us, this stuff dates back to childhood in one way or another. It’s deeply rooted and has been passed down through generations. Bad, pathological behavior. There have been testimonies here where a member decides to end that pathology and forge a new path. No more garbage. That’s what I was hinting at.

“Abuse”, .emotional, psychological, and physical... .either sexual or other... .are almost always present in the preceding generations in a family.

If “she” was abused by a sibling, a blood or step father, or uncle or errant boyfriend of mum... .money says, mom was abused too, as well grandmother, and aunts... .such as the generations pass down from one sibling to the next.

This is pretty dark stuff.

Breaking the cycle most time comes in the “outside persons”; husband or wife, that “marries in”... .and once family secrets are disclosed... .discovered, takes action to expose... .thus preventing it from spilling into their family... .

Often this is very volatile... .as the foo will in most cases... .go to great ends to keep the foo family secrets... .

Very interesting... .but also horrifying.

I’ve lived this first hand in my first marriage.

May peace, safety and harmony engulf you all !

Red5

[JNChell]

Red, it doesn’t get any darker. Are you ok with sharing?

[Red5]

Red, it doesn’t get any darker. Are you ok with sharing?

I’ve written about it before here, .if you search my profile, there are several “shares” there about what I experienced in my first marriage.

To sum it up, my first wife was sexually abused from age five-seven, to age twelve... .as best she could remember... .she told me that she remembered almost nothing of her childhood, she told me that her mother put her on “tranquilizers”... .wow ; (

She disclosed this to me about four years after we got married... .we got married because we were pregnant... .at sixteen.

Her perpetrators were her older brother, and an uncle, possibly a step,dad as well... .her younger sister was also abused in the same manner.

Also several of her cousins... .

She wrote a “journal” in 1995, and left it laying around (I think she did this on purpose for me to find)... .she was attempting therapy... .but therapy only released more demons... .one time, she went to her appointment and did not come home for three days.

In the journal, she wrote... .”grandmother told me, that sometimes the brother takes the sisters virginity”... .yeah ; (

Her mother seemed a little “off”... .like psychologicaly not there, ie’ damaged... .there was more in this journal... .indicating that her mother was raped by her own brother (same uncle) as well, as for what grandmother said, this abuse was a family secret, and it went back three generations... .from what I could piece together... .over the years... .

There were foo four children... .all four had different fathers... .

My wife (ex) never had even met her own father the entire twenty-one years we were married... .not until just a few years ago.

Her mom, grandmother, and sister, and also the perp brother are all dead now.

This $hit will make your hair turn white.

After the suspect MIL had knowledge that I knew, she was very vicious towards me... .as I wanted answers... .I was unrelenting... .I refused to “go along”... .

So in our marriage, we had three kids, and I made it known that if there was ever anything that was “off”; that I would indeed commit homicide to defend.
 
And I meant it, many times I tried to go NC with her foo, but she could never do it... .

VERY dysfunctional... .horrible, and NO ONE was ever held accountable... .

I broke the cycle in my (our) marriage, I did NOT allow my children around ANY of them unsupervised... .NO!

Blood is much thicker than water, and when we divorced, it was very ugly... .she never was able to over come her demons, she was very damaged... .it was a long and arduous marriage... .

In the end, she just “split”... .just walked away and disappeared... .and I was a single father afterwards... .she gave us, and everything up for her demons and addictions... .

I should write a damn book ; (

Whew... .there ya go JNChell, yes, dark stuff... .

And it absolutely destroys these peoples lives... .absolutely destroys.

... .and then, after living as a single dad for almost five years, I met, dated, and married uBPDw... .so when she started “acting out” almost immediately after we married, all I knew was what I’d been through before, so I began to wonder “why”... .as in, is this ____ in her foo too, she got married and left home too, at sixteen... .I’ll never now, but there was some kind of trauma she endured as a little girl, to predestine her for udx BPD... .imho, why would she also “bail” at sixteen?

She is def BPD, with npd traits... .yeah, I dx her.

What else could it be?

And “why” was I drawn to her, .she was another damsel in distress that needed to be saved I guess... .and that’s what I do... .

Red5

[JNChell]

Hey, Red. Thanks for sharing. Dear Lord, that’s heavy stuff. Even the grandmother. Man, I’m sorry that you ended up in the thick of all of that. You were being noble and true. I’m also sorry that your ex went through what she did, but I’m talking to you. We can endure many things. Most are lucky enough to survive. The one thing that we always have, in most cases, is the ability to choose through free will. Maybe I’m not completely accurate in that frame of thought, and maybe that’s a generalization when it comes to the poor folks that have been brainwashed and abused so severely that it seems obvious that there is no redemption available for them. I don’t know. I do know that people have overcome great atrocities and that their journey has been a battle that never really ends. I’m beginning to learn more that that daily battle is fought through awareness and that pushing it aside or stuffing it is surrendering to evil. It’s accepting a life in hell. I feel pity for individuals that surrender, but no responsibility for their choice.

Your story brings back memories of my first adult love. She was severely molested by her step brothers and uncles. She was damaged in terrible ways. I ran into a mutual acquaintance a few years after our break up and asked him how she was doing. His response was, “ok, but not good.” I wonder how she’s doing now. It’s been over 2 decades, but I remember her well.

Red, I appreciate you sharing this, but in all honesty I was asking about you. I’ve been doing some work on the PSI (parent, sibling, in law) board as well as exploring these things with a seasoned trauma specialist. It’s a difficult journey back in time, but I’m figuring out a lot about myself and how I’ve ended where I have throughout my time on this Earth. It’s terrible at times, but also fascinating. I’ve also come to the realization and a level of awareness that it’s necessary work. Just like you, I have a child, a son, that relies on me. Unfortunately, his mother and I can’t be together for him and he needs a solid male figure and a loving father in his life. You should be proud of the steps that you’ve made for S32. I hope that you are.

You survived a hurricane and BPD simultaneously. I think you’re going to be just fine. 

[Red5]

Hey, Red. Thanks for sharing. Dear Lord, that’s heavy stuff. Even the grandmother. Man, I’m sorry that you ended up in the thick of all of that. You were being noble and true. I’m also sorry that your ex went through what she did, but I’m talking to you.

 ... .highjack ahead... .

Hey JNChell, well to answer your question... .what about "me".

My mother was a nurse in the USAF, the year was 1965, she met a dashing young lawyer from the Blackfeet tribe that was close by, she got "knocked up", back then, the rule was, if you got pregnant out of wedlock, the service gave you the "boot"... .so as my bio dad wanted nothing to do with a pregnant gf, so he tossed her $500. and said "good luck"... .obviously she didn't spend the cash for what it was intended, so I was born, out of wedlock, and mother was subsequently discharged from the service... .and she went back home (north central Florida) in shame, .remember this is 1966, "you just don't get pregnant out of wedlock in the South", its NOT God's will, and a sin... .so, my Granny and Grampa "adopted me"... .this is why my last name is not "R", and is "J" instead. So during the absolutely crucial formative years, 0-6 years old, I was raised (practically) by my Grandmother... .I think she understood what the mother-child bond was and how crucial it is, as she had eight children of her own, my mother, and my aunts and uncles... .so I got the appropriate ration of "love", and "proper upbringing"... .thank the Good Lord, so the die was cast.

When I was six, mother married... .and I was moved off to Texas for five years, against my Grandparent's wishes... .I remember that day still vividly, Grampa was about one ___ from stopping them, but mother had/had another child, my half sister, so she was "trying to get it right" I guess... .well this new H turned out to be a little abusive, as I was not his blood son, and he seemed to really care less if I was around or not, so after five years, she left him, and came back to Florida, this time, my Grandparents did not let her have anymore "free reign" with me.

My mother and this "man" eventually split/divoreced, I remember that day as well, I was about twelve, and had been working in tobacco all day, and when I got home to Granny's house (in the back of a pickup truck)... .mother was in tears, and saying that "she wanted to die"... .ole' boy had gone off over the hill, never to be seen again... .not the first time I'd heard her say this "I just want to die" thing, certainly not something a parent should ever say around her kid... .so over the hill this H from Texas went (nothing against Texas)... .he packed up his trash, and left, bound for Texas, .and never came back, and he left his daughter with mother... .she is another whole story herself, .so more years passed, and I spent all my time with my Grandparents, later working in the sawmill, and learning how to work hard, and be a grown up (man)... .my half sister was not so lucky, she spent all her time with mother, who worked at night as a nurse... .so as half sister got older, and was not under the protection of my Grandparents, she began to get into trouble... .

As for me, I was a typical teenager, it was girls, pickups, hard work, and high school... .then I met my first wife at eighteen, and my story started... .she got pregnant, at sixteen, so we got married, and off to the Marines I went -> honor, courage, commitment, code... .this is what a man does, he takes care of his family, .period !

Summation... .my Grandparents were my role models and life trainers, not mother... .or certainly not bio dad... . ... .I was taught that marriage is forever, and that most folks are good people, so work hard, go to Church, follow Christ, and you'll be just fine... .so I wanted to live that life, and when my own marriage went off the rails, I fought hard to try to "save"... .it didn't work out... .so this is what I do now, I "save"... .or else I try to.

My bio dad re-entered my life when I was sixteen, against my Grandfathers wishes, or else advice... .(), the very first time I met bio dad, he was a plane ride away in Houston Texas, he was the tribal lawyer, (gas drilling rights)... .so we got drunk and chased hookers, in a big swanky hotel in downtown Houston... .I kid you not !... .yes, within hours of meeting him for the very first time... .Grampa was right as usual, "he's trouble boy" he'd say to me... .bio dad went on form my mother... .to a "shotgun wedding"... .as if you "knock up" a Montana rancher's red headed daughter, then "you'll be a marrying her boy!"... .or else !... .thy were married for twenty something years, had four kids, .more half brother and sisters for me : )

... .until his alcoholism, and just general debauchery ended that marriage, he died of diabetes in 2004... .

My mother has been married three, maybe even four times, .there is one we "ain't sure of"... .

When bio dad passed, we met out older brother, from an entirely different relationship, prior to "me"... we all wonder if there are anymore out there... .so... .what about me, as you can see JNChell, I was preprogramed to "not ever give up", .and to save that "damsel in distress", and to take full, and complete responsibility for your life actions, and decisions, either right or wrong... . Granny and Grampa meant well, and I thank God for them every single day, they are now long passed away, they were married to each other only, and for sixty seven years!... .but they both remain in my heart !... .as I saw other foo and as well life acquaintances relationships founder and fail, it only further entrenched my own desire to not fail in marriage, as per my "life training".

Is this why I wound up with my second wife, whom I strongly suspect is BPD?... .like the first one was (you think?)... .

If I'd not been snatched away by my Grandparents after birth, Lord only knows... .as mother was not a strong parent... .I don't really know what she is, or was to this day... .she's in her late seventies now... .and still a "mess" (toxic).

... .what are your thoughts JNChell ?

Red5

[empath]

Wow, Red. What are your thoughts about the "damsel in distress" that seems to be recurring?