Book and Screenplay about BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, looking for members that also have written a book and screenplay about international love story about BPD. Short pitch would be appreciated.

[PeaceLovesHope]

Hi, looking for members that also have written a book and screenplay about international love story about BPD. Short pitch would be appreciated.

[toomanydogs]

Only international screenplays? Not domestic?

[PeaceLovesHope]

Sure, domestic stories are fine too, since there are a huge lack of films and books especially for bf/gf to pwBPD (to get aware of BPD) as well as ex-bf/gf (to learn, detach and eventually heal). It’s just that I haven’t seen any international, cross-cultural, cross-religious, short- and long-distance true story similar to mine, and would be interesting to compare.

[PeaceLovesHope]

I'm new to this forum, and must say that I'm very surprised that no one of you members have written a true story screenplay and book about BPD...

We need a lot more true stories published and filmed for the hundreds of millions of people out there (not (yet) part of this forum) in BPD relationships to get aware of BPD, not only for them to have a chance to get out of the rollercoaster, but also to save billions of dollars in healthcare costs; a true win-win...

I got aware of BPD through my second cousin's screenplay and the book "Borderlines", and educated through "Stop Walking on Eggshells". It took me almost 16 years to finish my own book and screenplay.

I hope you also have the strength to finish a book or screenplay, maybe as therapy for your own sake, or for a person out there that will be grateful to you for making her/him aware that they are not alone in their confusion...

[RomanticFool]

I’m writing a play about it

[Latrodge]

It seems that one of the reasons that nons get 'stuck' in these relationships is that, at least in my case, you have the feeling that no one would believe the outrageous behavior and diatribes that come from the pwBPD.  Especially if they are the Invisible type. So you keep it hidden so as not to be accused of being insane yourself! As I've said to many family members who do know my BPDw and have seen these things first hand "you couldn't make this stuff up".  I think an audience watching a film accurately reflecting BPD outbursts and actions would think it was impossible that such a person actually exists...

[risingup4]

I am SO glad somenone asked this question! Thank you!

I am actually a successful novelist and previously published three books on totally different topics. After a relationship with a BPD a few years ago, I decided that the relationship and my learning from it were so profound that I am now finishing a second draft of a novel that I hope captures what it is like being with a "quiet borderline." I found that my short-lived six month relationship with a high conflict person somewhat mirrors what America is going through right now - so there is a political piece to the novel as it's showing both the microcosm and macrocosm to these types of relationships (and the beauty in exposing old wounds and the opportunity to heal them - both in a person and a society/country).

I have read a few other novels/memoirs written by former partners of a BPD to make sure I wasn't reinventing the wheel - and a few written by BPDs themselves. No of them captured the spirit of what I am after, so hopefully sharing my story and my work will be of benefit to others - and have a wider appeal given what is going on in the world today.

So, stay tuned and please let me know if you're aware of people/sites/places that I should be thinking about to get the word out once it is ready to launch (hopefully within the next six months). I thought about posting on here when the time comes, but not sure if there are guidelines/rules about promoting one's own materials. I'm laughing at myself because that type of conscientiousness is exactly how I wound up attracting a BPD in the first place 

Peace to everyone on this board - it was a HUGE help to me two years ago when I wasn't sure what it was that just hit me out of the blue and blindsided my life! This board and all of your gave me perspective and helped me stay out of the abyss.

[Vincenta]

Great topic, thanks!

And you both, sounds brilliant, - let us know when & where to find.

Question: which previously written books you were referring to?

I am fairly ‘ literate’ myself and cannot think even one of the top of my head ( except Anna Karenina perhaps, although I question it as it might be a wrong explanation, knowing the limited chances women had in societies in the last centuries). There are screenplays yes ( e.g. Williams), but books...?

FYI I have been thinking about writing about this rollercoaster too, but no worries, in my native language, a very small language group actually...- so even a) If I really would complete the book ( at the moment the experience far too sore, have to cry and remember to breath,  manage perhaps two very good sentences and then a loong break, and in addition work full time  and b) if would ever gets published (I do have a publisher, one of the biggest at my - small- home turf, but this type of book is not why I have been signed in) so chances low & it won’t be translated and thus I probably won’t be competing against you...!

[risingup4]

No worries, Vincenta! I appreciate your thoughtfulness, though in my opinion, the more literature out there the better - particularly first-hand accounts because I think the stories are often so similar that in sharing we can more easily recognize the patterns. As I read somewhere, it is like a computer program that gets launched through inputs and triggers and goes through different routines with similar outputs.

There are a few memoirs that come to mind:
1. The Siren's Dance: Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
2. My Life with a Borderline: My Personal Journey

Both of these give accounts with similar relationship arcs: idealization, devaluation, recycling. The first one was written by a psychiatrist and he uses a pen name to describe marriage to a borderline several years prior. The second one was more personal in my opinion, and dug deeper into the emotional pain and the author's journey to seeking help. It was helpful to read both of them, though they each could have done with an editor to tighten up the grammar, structure, and build out the stories a bit.

There is a pretty decent book written by someone with BPD:

The Buddha and the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating

This one is probably my favorite of the three because it gives the reader a glimpse into the mind and habits of someone suffering from this illness. After reading it, I started to feel a deeper level of empathy for those who suffer (including my ex-partner). Though, I am not convinced she was healed through mindfulness, etc. but that's beside the point.

If anyone else has books to share of first-hand accounts, please chime in as I would love to read them myself as these three have been extraordinarily helpful not just as I shape the book I am writing, but in my own journey of healing.

[risingup4]

RomanticFool: I would love to read your play when it is ready to share! Kudos for going down that road!

Latrodge: You raise a good point about the believability when it comes to sharing behaviors that haven't been witnessed first-hand. I have watched a few movies where I thought the main character (who was sometimes directly labeled a BPD - like Kristen Wiig's character in Welcome to Me). But they don't ever seem to capture the subtlety when it comes to language and how words are turned around and gaslighting things that are so obvious. I wish the writers/directors of these movies would spend a little time on this forum, because they would get a trove of material. And it would be hard for people who haven't experienced this type of behavior before of truly getting it. The images that come to mind for me are being trapped in a maze or a spider web that were decorated in such a way as to obscure their appearance in the beginning. 

By the way, one of my favorite vignettes from this forum was when someone whose BPD partner was breaking up with him on his birthday, he brought up emails from the past three years when she broke up with him (all on his birthday) and when she looked at the print out she shrugged and said, "what does that have anything to do with anything?"

You're right, you really can't make this stuff up!

[Vincenta]

Ps. Actually I suspect that the fear that I * might* write something true & about him, even in a language he would not ever understand it , nor his family etc...is the one of the reasons ( in addition that I take care of his dog when he is traveling - actually do it because I love the old and shy dog, not because of him) -  so potential writing might be one of the reasons why my that my ex? PwBPD with strong NPD traits is so mellow during this break up... no usual rage, total ST, etc.

PwBPD has been with me at my home turf ( am expat) and often also understood  when my family or friends ( my friends & family are polite and always used English  or his own native European widely spoken language for his sake) ask  if and when I will start to write/ publish again ( I changed careers long time ago) and he seemed very uncomfortable with those questions and often dysregulated during those trips. Well, after all I have learned about BPD I do understand better those attacks. And also kind of sad that instead of being at least a little bit ‘ proud’ of me, he was/ is just focused on risk of his probably failing mask.


Did you have similar experiences with your pwBPDs?

[risingup4]

I'm not sure if this answers your question, but I have thought a lot about how my ex PwBPD would react if she learned of the book or even read it. I have changed all the names for privacy reasons.

From what I know about my ex and about the disorder, I believe any kind of attention (even "negative") would be welcome on some level. Even if it meant triggering victim issues, etc. Like Kesha's Backstabber song lyric:

Honestly, I think its kinda funny that you waste
your breath talking about me,
Got me feeling kinda special really

But the arc of my own story is feeling empathy and love for someone I had to shut out of my life. So, I hope that even if she or someone close to her read it, they might appreciate the balanced view on some level. Then again, I wasn't dealing with an extreme BPD - - which in my mind makes the story so much more difficult to unravel because many of the behaviors were not too far off Middle School behavior. I think the subtleties prove the most fascinating to me. It's easy to see some Girl Interrupted character and spot warped behavior, but much harder, like Latrodge maybe suggests,  to see it when other behaviors seem fine and it's like little earthquakes happen and then things return to normal for awhile and only we can see the slow tremor rumblings over the surface. I actually think that's one of the reasons BPDs are attracted to highly sensitive people - in some subconscious attempt to expose themselves. Anyway, thanks for raising the questions...

[Vincenta]

Hi RU,

Thanks for your very prompt reply! Nothing like being on this board on Fri eve, yeah ?  ( hey I am here too) 
Yep, completely agree with you: the more books, movies, plays out there, the better.
About the books, thanks for the tips! But was rather searching for fiction, novels or short stories ( well now thinking about short stories probably e.g. brilliant Oates has some, have to check).

[Vincenta]

Hi again RU,

Messages crossed.

Yes, actually you raised very valuable topic.And actually loving someone ‘ from distance’ is kind of taboo nowadays , isn’t it? Everything today is rather measured by effort and gain only.

My heart ( and trust) is broken - my partner is the high functioning and also aggressive/incl. many NPD and  alcohol addictive individual, but yet I still see also the many good qualities he has apart those, and I love him. And best love were to keep a complete distance , as I ( or any other longer, loving, close  intimate relationship) would just trigger him. This is a very bitter pilll to swallow, and I still struggle to accept it.

[PeaceLovesHope]

Appreciate all the replies! Here goes my pitch:

   I meet “Grace” (Catholic Mexican-American) at work in Texas in early 2003. After two months we are engaged. One month later it’s over. I return to Sweden; realize that something’s wrong with the picture, and start writing about "it"...
   I get a new job in Los Angeles, and receive a screenplay, "Borderline", from a friend.
   New Year ‘04, Grace visits me in Los Angeles. "Jack", her ex-boyfriend, contacts her again. Suddenly she exclaims: "Please save me from Jack!". I make a serious attempt to "save her from him." But I fail. She goes back to him. I quit my job, and move back to Sweden. Again.
   Fall ‘05, the hurricanes Katrina and Rita hit Texas. And I contact Grace and her family again. “We need you!”, her mother says. "What would you do if I told you to take me back?", Grace adds.
   Shortly thereafter my friend recommends a book, "Borderlines". First then, I strongly suspect that Grace has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and try to break contact with her. But I fail. I then tell Grace's sister I believe Grace has BPD. Suddenly Grace sends me a long letter, breathing (or screaming): "Please, save me from myself!"
   I return to Texas, and tell Grace I suspect she has BPD. Then her siblings want me to marry Grace. I decide to do my best. Grace's sister concludes with: "If she doesn’t say yes, we’ll take her to a Psychiatrist"…
   8 days later: a new year (‘06); the second diamond ring; and the third engagement. But the problems continue. And Grace’s sister & mother join my "rescue mission II". But they are worried that Grace can’t afford going to a psychologist (or go through a lengthy treatment), since Grace just lost her job, and the family’s company lost loads of money because of the hurricanes...
   It doesn’t work. I continue writing (book, screenplay and lyrics), full-time, more or less. And she flies back to Jack, but continues to contact me.
   Spring ‘07, I email 24 psychologists to see if they’re interested in my story. Three of them respond. But no one has the time to read.
   October ‘07, I find out that Grace has gone to a psychologist. And in February ’08 she writes an explanatory & repentance-full 10 pages long, deep and heart-healing/breaking letter to me.
   Later, I email over 100 psychologists and psychotherapists about the (updated) story. 30 % respond. 14 of them take the time for an introductory phone call after office hours. 0 had received an email like mine before. But several of them encourage me to contact a publisher instead...
   ...and suddenly Grace contacts me again. And produces a very nice reconciliation letter. It turns out that she’s been hospitalized, diagnosed with BPD, and received therapy.


I’m an engineer. A professional challenge abuser. And so is Grace…

I used to be an ordinary secular Swede. Shy, naïve, structured, humble, cheap and afraid of conflicts. Then I entered Texas soil. Put on cowboy boots. And stepped into a new world of freedom and opportunities. Suddenly, a flood of sunshine hit my eyes. And I changed from elasticity of shear…to elasticity of love. The rest is history. And future.

Grace: Catholic. Mexican. American. And:
Insecure, anxious, cold, irrational, tired, restless, impulsive, childish, hypersensitive, perfectionistic, black-and-white, alone, competitive, emotional, unfocused, frustrated, clingy, unconsciously or inevitably manipulative and regretful. But also:
Smart, charming, loving, warm, funny, charismatic, energetic, honest and irresistible.

Sounds like most of us, some or most of the time, doesn’t it? But if you put “extremely” in front of all the adjectives above, and add that her erratic behavior is insistent and inflexible, you have the reason why Grace differs from most of us…

I guess her world is sort of like outer space. A universe of black holes, stars, planets and lots of vacuum, with no sense of time, structure, memory or money.
If I’m a planet to her. She’s the dangerously exciting suicidal sun. She blinds me when she’s up. And then blindfolds me when she’s done.

When I’m blinded, she tells me how handsome I am. I’m her knight in shining armor, who will bring her back to her castle, surrounded by a ring of perpetual infatuation. So I buy a diamond ring, and get down on my knees. And spend additional thousands of dollars on dresses, champagne, flight tickets, ear rings, furniture, flowers, dinners, hotel rooms, movies…and finally another diamond ring.

But when I’m blindfolded, she wants to change me. My looks & manners. You name it. Then she cries out about her ex-boyfriend; exclaims: “I don’t love you. I’m not in love with you. The man of my dreams is somewhere else”. I’m speechless. But she isn’t: “I hate you! You’re heartless! You have two jobs: To make me upset. And to make up for it!” Before she breaks up with me, she says that she doesn’t want to marry, or see, me. Ever again. Then she throws her ring at me. Changes her mind. And begs me to save her from her ex. And later to save her from herself. So my blindfold is removed. And I get blinded. Again. The next revolution in the emotional rollercoaster begins…

When Grace breaks my boundary, and steps into my dome, the first “inner” cycle begins: The closer I get, the harder she hits. And the more I let her, the closer she gets. When the inner cycle has been repeated to the extent that I don’t have enough energy left to feed her, or anyone or anything else, the “outer” cycle begins: I move away to another room for a while. And when we’ve been apart long enough for my energy to return to the threshold where I feel strong enough to save her again, the next inner cycle begins…

Sounds like domestic violence, doesn’t it? The difference is that the hits are entirely emotional. And often silent. (Un)Fortunately one can’t be jailed for psychological violence and silence, except for inside one’s conscience…

Everything is played out without any drugs or alcohol. With one exception. Grace is my greatest drug. Or challenge. I am an engineer. A problem solver. So it hurts when I can’t solve the greatest problem of them all. It hurts a lot.

In other words: I’ve cried. A lot. But did I cry because of loneliness, grief (loss of a child, sister, friend, soul mate, lover or patient), empathy, love, pride, failure (of love, relationship, friendship, support, “the quest”, lost career, eight ruined years), lack of motivation or self-pity? It’s been different combinations during the years. And I tried to ask myself this question every time I cried. And it always helped.

And I’ve asked myself many questions: How many times can you ask for and receive forgiveness? Or how many times can you be forgiven by God, no matter what you do? Is repeating cycles of horrible & fantastic days worth it? If brutal honesty helps or breaks me down? Is it an egoistic or altruistic feeling of being “the knight in shining armor” that I miss & crave? Would I have the stamina, motivation, courage, faith (and money) to support Grace during her “possible recovery”?

In any case, (to me) Grace is a bright body in a pit of darkness. Maybe the symbol of life itself. As Grace would put it: “Will I be able to brighten the black hole? Or will I be consumed by it?”. And I say: “Will we?”. I guess the bottom line is what we decide to fill it with in the crawls, walks and runs of life.

But it’s easier said than written, read and spun: The Dangerously Exciting Suicidal Sun:
“Hurricane, tornado, tsunami, volcano, quake
I cannot find the word when her hips and lips start to shake
But when the lava, winds and waves relax along our path
I find the word desire and forget about my math

Beautiful like Marilyn Monroe and Lady Di
Inside her cheesecake factory she wants a cherry pie
And every time she’s almost at the dream, she turns away
Like every famous screenwriter avoids an old cliché

Sexy, charismatic, charming like Winslet, Jolie
And she’s the only snowflake down in Texas I can see
Astonishing, she falls down from cloud nine, where she can’t land
And so she melts herself and me into drops in my hand

Diamond rings and castles, wedding, marriage, children, wealth
Though dreams might be for losers, I am worried ‘bout her health
And work permits and someone, something else in USA
Instead of people like myself and billions in decay

Dangerously exciting like the suicidal sun
She blinds me when she’s up, and then blindfolds me when she’s done
And I cannot forget to recall all airports’ farewell
We never made it to the viking suite at Ice Hotel

Peace, respect, acceptance, hope, a hug and then a smile
Six words that I’ve been fighting for eight years across the aisle
And every precious moment, spirit, thing that I recall
Is buried in my heart ‘cuz I found love, once and for all”

[Vincenta]

Hej PLH,

Wow -  indeed very powerful, the way you describe the relationship.

Are you still together with ‘Grace’? Or wanting ‘ Grace ‘ back?
Sorry , was not very clear to me.

I know the black hole with BPD, too; it sucks all light and energy.
And never shines back.

The intercultural aspects though, described as you did, might turn out to be risky/problematic in your book if the focus should be on BPD.  You as a ‘ shy & reserved’ Swede  meeting the ‘ passionate’ US- Mexican girl.  Now, naturally this kind of intercultural differences  ( although stereotypical) could lead to problems also in healthy relationships. Readers might categorize these as ‘ cultural differences’ only, not getting the true BPD parts.  

On the other hand, based  on what you wrote, I believe you very much would like to write about the powerful expat experience, too, don’t you?
Cowboy boots & Texas, and ‘ freedom’, after well regulated, safe but perhaps a bit dull Sweden...?

I cannot help wondering also how much of the attaraction of your relationship was/ is based on the differences between the countries, and how you might feel ‘different’  , or are ‘ allowed’  to be that different person, in US, compared to SWE?

When it comes to your occupation as an engineer - I remember one guy stating on this board that he wasted  several years trying to break the BPD ‘ code’, failing ( I have tried to do the same, in vain).  

[PeaceLovesHope]

Hej Vincenta, Tack for your reply:) More than 8 years with no contact with "Grace". I have always believed that the long-distance, cultural, religious and international aspects of the relationship would have been very easy to overcome without BPD. I've found my balance in life, and don't want "Grace" back. But she's buried in my heart and I wish her the best. The book and screenplay have always been written with a mindset of deepest respect, empathy and love for both of us...

[risingup4]

Vincenta - As a part-time software developer, I always love hearing "breaking the code" analogies. There's a YouTube guy that I watch (ASSC Direct) who talks a lot about NPD and has often used programming lingo to talk about how personality disorders operate (e.g. "the program is working as designed").

It has been helpful for me to think in these terms given the obvious patterns that are shared across people's stories. But what I've come to learn is that the software program is specifically designed to generate confusion, gas-lighting, conflict, etc. It's a program (and perhaps a game) that is NOT designed for people who interact with it to win. Ultimately, it's a Sisyphean task.  As the computer generated voice in the 80s movie War Games aptly put it when referring to a game that might lead to thermonuclear war: “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

It is a quote worth embedding deep into one's psyche...