Undecided in new relationship

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was previously in a long term relationship with my ubpdxw. I was with her for about 10 years and that relationship ended in 2018. I started dating my current gf shortly after that relationship ended  and it has been really great. She does not have bpd  but does have OCD and has some depression issues.

Recently, my gf has been pretty depressed. She came off of her antidepressants and has been ruminating over how much she hates her job and her failures in searching for a new job. I try to help her but she doesn’t seem to want my advice (I’m a manager at my company, so I hire people all the time and mentor other people on interviewing/job search on a regular basis). She just shoots down my ideas and says they won’t work/she’s already tried that etc.

I’m having a hard time with this. I want to help and support, but it seems like she’s just throwing in the towel and is resorting to avoidance instead of dealing with the problem. I don’t really know how to be supportive anymore. She’s sad all the time and I’m resorting to rescuing behavior I think…

I can’t decide and keep asking myself….Should I just tell her to do the job search on her own and I’m sorry but whatever the outcome is, is what it is? Or should I keep trying to find ways to help?

[utnapishtim428]

I was previously in a long term relationship with my ubpdxw. I was with her for about 10 years and that relationship ended in 2018. I started dating my current gf shortly after that relationship ended  and it has been really great. She does not have bpd  but does have OCD and has some depression issues.

Recently, my gf has been pretty depressed. She came off of her antidepressants and has been ruminating over how much she hates her job and her failures in searching for a new job. I try to help her but she doesn’t seem to want my advice (I’m a manager at my company, so I hire people all the time and mentor other people on interviewing/job search on a regular basis). She just shoots down my ideas and says they won’t work/she’s already tried that etc.

I’m having a hard time with this. I want to help and support, but it seems like she’s just throwing in the towel and is resorting to avoidance instead of dealing with the problem. I don’t really know how to be supportive anymore. She’s sad all the time and I’m resorting to rescuing behavior I think…

I can’t decide and keep asking myself….Should I just tell her to do the job search on her own and I’m sorry but whatever the outcome is, is what it is? Or should I keep trying to find ways to help?

[NotAHero]

I was previously in a long term relationship with my ubpdxw. I was with her for about 10 years and that relationship ended in 2018. I started dating my current gf shortly after that relationship ended  and it has been really great. She does not have bpd  but does have OCD and has some depression issues.

Recently, my gf has been pretty depressed. She came off of her antidepressants and has been ruminating over how much she hates her job and her failures in searching for a new job. I try to help her but she doesn’t seem to want my advice (I’m a manager at my company, so I hire people all the time and mentor other people on interviewing/job search on a regular basis). She just shoots down my ideas and says they won’t work/she’s already tried that etc.

I’m having a hard time with this. I want to help and support, but it seems like she’s just throwing in the towel and is resorting to avoidance instead of dealing with the problem. I don’t really know how to be supportive anymore. She’s sad all the time and I’m resorting to rescuing behavior I think…

I can’t decide and keep asking myself….Should I just tell her to do the job search on her own and I’m sorry but whatever the outcome is, is what it is? Or should I keep trying to find ways to help?

 I would only offer advice when asked. It is understandable that you are worried about acquired rescue behavior from being with a BPD.  Keep in mind she is an adult and is responsible for her own actions and consequences. As a supportive partner, in my opinion your responsibility stops at offering support when openly asked to.

[Rev]

Following what Hero has said, have you asked her straight out what she needs or wants from you?

And if so - what exactly has her response be?

[utnapishtim428]

Thank you so much for the replies!

I have asked her straight up what she wants from me a few times and I seem to get different answers. Sometimes she wants my help and others she does not. The pattern seems to be (when she does want my help): 1. She struggles with her job search. 2. She complains to me. 3. I ask her if she wants help. 4. Sometimes she says no (then I just listen),, others she says yes. 5 when she says yes, I offer help but she shoots down all of my suggestions and says something like “I’ve already tried all of that and it doesn’t work.”

It is just hard watching someone that I love not succeed at something and start to spiral into depression.. It’s also hard for me to know where the boundary should be. I know I can’t be a caretaker… but I don’t want to just abandon her to be miserable.

[Rev]

Thank you so much for the replies!

I have asked her straight up what she wants from me a few times and I seem to get different answers. Sometimes she wants my help and others she does not. The pattern seems to be (when she does want my help): 1. She struggles with her job search. 2. She complains to me. 3. I ask her if she wants help. 4. Sometimes she says no (then I just listen),, others she says yes. 5 when she says yes, I offer help but she shoots down all of my suggestions and says something like “I’ve already tried all of that and it doesn’t work.”

It is just hard watching someone that I love not succeed at something and start to spiral into depression.. It’s also hard for me to know where the boundary should be. I know I can’t be a caretaker… but I don’t want to just abandon her to be miserable.

It is hard to watch someone suffer. And yet it is her choice to refuse the help that she asked for.

It makes me wonder if what she really wants is a never ending supply of sympathy that helps her bypass the work she needs.

Thoughts?

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev.


Ps - Somewhere on our site is an article about the Kampman drama triangle. I'll go find the link. 

https://www.bpdfamily.com/portfolio-save-relationship

[SaltyDawg]

There are different support groups out there for different disorders.  Reddit & Facebook are probably good sources to find ones specific to OCD.  I would suggest looking there too.

My uBPDw >99% sure she is BPD [8/9 symptoms] also likely has >OCPD [8/8 symptoms -- however this is different than OCD but can co-exist (comorbidity) with it] there is a good group for OCPD as well, and it is a whole different dynamic and has many OCD members as well.

Sounds like you have a 'caretaker' type personality which attracts disordered people.  Unfortunately I speak from experience on this.

[utnapishtim428]

Great help and  advice from all of you, thank you so much!

I’m starting to look through the OCD stuff on Reddit… I might try to find a therapist that specializes in OCD to help give me some guidance too.

Also… Me? A caretaker?  Yeah, I’d say that’s pretty spot-on . It’s a constant struggle, but my current girlfriend is such a sweetheart, no BPD traits whatsoever (at least not any that are straight up dysfunctional or abnormal) so that makes it a lot easier than any of my previous relationships. OCD definitely has its own hurdles compared to BPD.

[BPDEnjoyer]

I was previously in a long term relationship with my ubpdxw. I was with her for about 10 years and that relationship ended in 2018. I started dating my current gf shortly after that relationship ended  and it has been really great. She does not have bpd  but does have OCD and has some depression issues.

Recently, my gf has been pretty depressed. She came off of her antidepressants and has been ruminating over how much she hates her job and her failures in searching for a new job. I try to help her but she doesn’t seem to want my advice (I’m a manager at my company, so I hire people all the time and mentor other people on interviewing/job search on a regular basis). She just shoots down my ideas and says they won’t work/she’s already tried that etc.

I’m having a hard time with this. I want to help and support, but it seems like she’s just throwing in the towel and is resorting to avoidance instead of dealing with the problem. I don’t really know how to be supportive anymore. She’s sad all the time and I’m resorting to rescuing behavior I think…

I can’t decide and keep asking myself….Should I just tell her to do the job search on her own and I’m sorry but whatever the outcome is, is what it is? Or should I keep trying to find ways to help?

Not sure why you want to help her like this. Research shows that active support actually decreases relationship quality

[utnapishtim428]

Interesting. What research are you referring to?

[alterK]

If your gf is really suffering from depression there are two important things you should consider. First, depression is very difficult for any other person to help. Those sad answers rejecting your suggestions are very typical. She needs to get into treatment, and probably all you can do is keep encouraging her to do that. It may take time.

Second, depression is contagious, and it sounds like you may already be catching some of it. You need to take care of yourself. It may seem like betraying your gf, neglecting her to do things you like, but you are entitled to a decent life, and you certainly can't be of much help to her if you are stuck in the same quicksand.