My ex is definitely re engaging. Need advice.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, what I thought would never happen is happening.  My ex came over last night. We hung out and talked about her possibly having BPD. She told me how the new guy is coming on strong and she wasn't ready for it. I feel pretty detached from her. I did invite her over tonight to see if she would come, she instantly replied and said she would be there at 8. She is still with the replacement to my knowledge.

I think tonight I will ask her why she is wanting to hang out with me all do the sudden. She texted me this morning to tell me that it was nice seeing me and that she liked how we hung out.

If she were to agree to seek help for her possible BPD, I might give it 1 more shot. But ONLY if she would so do. Even then, it would be hard to believe that it could work.

[Xidion]

Well, what I thought would never happen is happening.  My ex came over last night. We hung out and talked about her possibly having BPD. She told me how the new guy is coming on strong and she wasn't ready for it. I feel pretty detached from her. I did invite her over tonight to see if she would come, she instantly replied and said she would be there at 8. She is still with the replacement to my knowledge.

I think tonight I will ask her why she is wanting to hang out with me all do the sudden. She texted me this morning to tell me that it was nice seeing me and that she liked how we hung out.

If she were to agree to seek help for her possible BPD, I might give it 1 more shot. But ONLY if she would so do. Even then, it would be hard to believe that it could work.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

If she is still with your replacement then she is triangulating.  You are the Rescuer, she the Victim and he the Persecutor - Karpmans Drama Triangle. Before getting to excited over the prospect of a recycle keep in mind that the roles can switch quickly.  You may be the persecutor in a flash.  Where is the replacement tonight?  Are you sure she isn't just suffering from loneliness while he is away?  Sorry if this sounds a bit cynical but I fear you may be setting yourself up for a crash.

[Xidion]

If she is still with your replacement then she is triangulating.  You are the Rescuer, she the Victim and he the Persecutor - Karpmans Drama Triangle. Before getting to excited over the prospect of a recycle keep in mind that the roles can switch quickly.  You may be the persecutor in a flash.  Where is the replacement tonight?  Are you sure she isn't just suffering from loneliness while he is away?  Sorry if this sounds a bit cynical but I fear you may be setting yourself up for a crash.

I have given this a lot of thought. I'm pretty sure the replacement will be at work. I've also thought that it might just be because she is lonely. I'm remaining indifferent and detached. I didn't even asked for a hug last night as she left.  I didn't react to anything she said that may have made me jealous before.

[enlighten me]

In my opinion if you want her to get therapy you cant re engage. By doing so you will just become temporary support and when she paints you black you will be back to square one and she will be no better off.

By keeping detatched you can talk to her and she may seek therapy to please you. By becoming emotionally involved you will run the risk of validating her behavioour.

I am walking a similar tightrppe with my ex wife. I havent got as far as discussing BPD  with her.

[CloseToFreedom]

You most probably are acting, even for yourself. You are acting that you don't care anymore, but deep inside you like that she is seeking contact and coming over. You are getting your hopes up.

I mean, I can't blame you. I've been there so many times with my ex. And even if she would show up now, I wouldn't be sure what to do.

Just be careful man. Each break up will be more painfull.

[Xidion]

You're right.  Deep down,  I do care.  But I will remain indifferent in all situations. I will continue to talk to her about her problems and give no indication that I want a relationship with her. I will continue going on dates with other girls. I do not want to be a part of a triangulation or a temporary fix. I will keep suggesting her to see a counselor for a possible BPD diagnoses, since I'm not a medical professional. She has admitted to having most of the symptoms of it.

I k kw I'm treading in dangerous waters, but I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. I will keep coming here for support and advice.

[CloseToFreedom]

Just speaking from experience, each time we started contact again i felt strong enough. Because the contact gave me energy. But when the downfal inevetebly comes, youll feel weaker than ever. Just my two cents. Again not trying to say what to do but just talking from experience.

[NonAverageJoe]

I'm going to retract my statement from yesterday about you handling yourself better.

I showed emotion but kept it real with myself and her.

You're playing a dangerous game with your mental health, emotions and self respect.

You will not benefit from any interaction long term. You're delaying inevitable healing.

[enlighten me]

I have to disagree about interaction. I am fully detatched from my ex wife and have to interect because of our sons. Any interactions just remind me how messed up and full of sh#@ she is.

Because of how detatched I am I can interact without getting hurt.

[Xidion]

Just speaking from experience, each time we started contact again i felt strong enough. Because the contact gave me energy. But when the downfal inevetebly comes, youll feel weaker than ever. Just my two cents. Again not trying to say what to do but just talking from experience.

I'm not engaging a relationship with her. I won't allow it. It won't sleep with her, or even kiss her. Right now I'm only offering advice. If she crosses the line I will ask her to leave.

[NonAverageJoe]

She is already crossing the line though. You're in the FOG again. You have no obligation to her. You've done more than enough.

[Xidion]

Quite honestly, seeing her last night gave me a LOT of validation. Why? She looked like crap. Bags under here eyes, depressed, tired. I asked her how christmas was, she said "it was whatever". Those happy pictures on Facebook are indeed smoke and mirrors. I on the other hand have been working out and been on 5 dates between 2 other girls. Both possibilites.  

I'm trying to help this person realize that she may have a problem, which she has admitted that she thinks she does. I will keep suggesting therapy. I may be seen as her rescuer, but I won't allow myself to be fooled. I've already dissected last night's conversation. There was a lot of manipulation attempts.  I can see through her bullshiza

[NonAverageJoe]

You're becoming the other man. You've friend zoned yourself in this triangle.

[Blimblam]

If you provide a framework for her to recieve your validation such as going to therapy then she may be doing it to continue to receive validation. 

Being the other guy validates her it keeps her from hitting bottom. 

If she actually does enter therapy realize it was a result of her own life circumstance you may have helped guide her their but your not helping her by utilizing her life circumstance as a source of your validation and it's not helping you either.

[HappyNihilist]

I'm trying to help this person realize that she may have a problem, which she has admitted that she thinks she does. I will keep suggesting therapy. I may be seen as her rescuer, but I won't allow myself to be fooled.

Why do you want to "help" her?

Rescuing attempts, focusing our energies on someone else -- this is all just a distraction to keep us from having to look at ourselves.

Think of it. You're telling her to look at her behaviors, issues, etc. -- are you doing the same for yourself? Have you asked yourself why you feel the need to rescue another adult? What needs of yours are being fulfilled by this role?

I've already dissected last night's conversation. There was a lot of manipulation attempts.  I can see through her bullshiza

You have to dissect her words and be on constant guard against manipulation. Does this sound like a healthy relationship to you? Is this what you want?

In my opinion if you want her to get therapy you cant re engage. By doing so you will just become temporary support and when she paints you black you will be back to square one and she will be no better off.

I agree completely.

Just as we need to work on ourselves on our own, so do pwPDs. The truth is, neither of you is healthy for the other right now. You both need to heal.

You're not a medical professional. You're not her boyfriend. You're not a friend. You've told her what you know about BPD and therapy. What more do you "owe" her?

Or is it that, just as her sudden thirst for BPD knowledge is a front for a re-engagement attempt, your insistence on "only offering advice and helping" is actually a front for enjoying the re-engagement?

My advice is to take this opportunity to look more at yourself, your needs, and your motivations. Don't let yourself get distracted by your ex, or anyone else, from what is most important in your life -- You.  

[Splitblack4good]

Well, what I thought would never happen is happening.  My ex came over last night. We hung out and talked about her possibly having BPD. She told me how the new guy is coming on strong and she wasn't ready for it. I feel pretty detached from her. I did invite her over tonight to see if she would come, she instantly replied and said she would be there at 8. She is still with the replacement to my knowledge.

I think tonight I will ask her why she is wanting to hang out with me all do the sudden. She texted me this morning to tell me that it was nice seeing me and that she liked how we hung out.

If she were to agree to seek help for her possible BPD, I might give it 1 more shot. But ONLY if she would so do. Even then, it would be hard to believe that it could work.

Xidion I remember your story's and mine being similar regards to our exes putting pics on Facebook etc . It sounds like your ex is up to no good by wanting to come round and try to re engage mine however has seemed to be more detached from me over the past 4 days in a way I want her to contact me but I don't think she will ever again now . This might be a blessing in disguise for me to detach I was like you on Xmas eve when she rang me out the blue upset . I was acting indifferent towards her and that I didn't care and said I was cutting all ties with her as I didn't want to get in the way of her relationship with my replacement I'm wondering if I did the right thing by acting like I didn't care as since then she is more than showing she doesn't care by giving the silent treatment .

[jhkbuzz]

You're right.  :)eep down,  I do care.  But I will remain indifferent in all situations. I will continue to talk to her about her problems and give no indication that I want a relationship with her. I will continue going on dates with other girls. I do not want to be a part of a triangulation or a temporary fix. I will keep suggesting her to see a counselor for a possible BPD diagnoses, since I'm not a medical professional. She has admitted to having most of the symptoms of it.

I k kw I'm treading in dangerous waters, but I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. I will keep coming here for support and advice.

I think that as long as you have feelings for her - and I think you do ("If she were to agree to seek help for her possible BPD, I might give it 1 more shot"... ."[I'll] give no indication that I want a relationship with her" - you are treading in dangerous waters. You are expecting that you can remain strong and keep your emotions in complete check. Putting aside the question of whether or not that is a reasonable expectation for you to have of yourself, consider a different question:

What do YOU want from a relationship?  Forget her -  her issues, her desires, her problems - what do YOU want?  Is it to live the rest of your life with your emotions in "check"?  Stuffing down/ignoring your needs because hers are so much bigger and so much more urgent?  Why would you be willing to risk your health (both mental and physical) for such a meager return?

Trust me I UNDERSTAND.  I loved my exBPDgf more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.  But I have enough survival instinct to know that I cannot sacrifice myself on the altar of her dysfunction.  I can't - and neither should you.  She is an adult who MUST make the decision to seek help and heal herself on her own. It's her journey, her decision.  You can't do it for her.

Keep some strong boundaries in place, my friend.

[NonAverageJoe]

You're getting great advice and refuting it. Maybe you ought to move to the staying board?

[Rise]

Well, what I thought would never happen is happening.  My ex came over last night. We hung out and talked about her possibly having BPD. She told me how the new guy is coming on strong and she wasn't ready for it. I feel pretty detached from her. I did invite her over tonight to see if she would come, she instantly replied and said she would be there at 8. She is still with the replacement to my knowledge.

I think tonight I will ask her why she is wanting to hang out with me all do the sudden. She texted me this morning to tell me that it was nice seeing me and that she liked how we hung out.

If she were to agree to seek help for her possible BPD, I might give it 1 more shot. But ONLY if she would so do. Even then, it would be hard to believe that it could work.

All I'm going to ask Xidion is how would you feel if you were in the other guy's position?

[Waifed]

It's a trap and it's already working... .Run!  She may not even realize what she is doing but it doesn't change the outcome. You cannot stay indifferent simply because you DO want to reengage whether you consciously admit it to yourself or not. I envy you in one way because I would have liked to have received the validation that my ex still remembers me, but the other side of the situation is that she can't give you what you need in a relationship. Also, its going to destroy everything that you have accomplished during your recovery. Sorry to be so harsh but it happens so often here. BTW, you are not doing anything that I wouldn't want to do. I just hope I'm fully recovered if that day ever comes for me. At 16 months, it's still not looking good when it comes to that.

[paperlung]

Good luck getting her to stay in therapy, if she goes.

I read your "Proof she never loved me thread" and have to wonder why you would even consider giving it another shot if she got help.

[Blimblam]

Xideon

You mention stuffing your emotions.  The overall feeling I get from your posts is your not sure how you are suppoced to feel only that you know for sure you want the pain to stop. 

You display a lot of self awareness on knowing you like having her around for validation breaking that mentality is difficult to break.  Creating the space in yourself to feel everything you have been surpressing to continue to recieve validation from her is a very painful journey but that's where the healing is.

[fromheeltoheal]

I know I'm treading in dangerous waters, but I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. I will keep coming here for support and advice.

You're not going to get a lot of support for what you're doing on this board X, as you probably noticed, but you might on the Staying or Undecided boards, in fact the folks on the Staying board have plenty of tips for the path you're headed down.

Anyway, I hope you do what you want and it works out.  If not, we'll be here, and we won't even say 'I told ya so', we'll just support you through your detachment, per usual.  May what's right happen, and take care of you!

[peiper]

In my opinion your setting yourself up for a disaster.  You told her about BPD,  leave it up to her to seek help. I doubt very seriously she will. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

[AwakenedOne]

She is with this other guy now. Even if she test the waters with you and then drops him it's still an unhealthy situation right?

Her current boyfriend is your replacement. Now you'd be his if they break up. That's until you get replaced again though?... .Is this what you want out of a relationship? What if she accidentally gets pregnant? Run for the hills dude.



Maybe here's a way out of this for you:

When you see her or talk next time just say this to her -> "I been feeling not well the last month and have been quite paranoid that everyone on earth has BPD. I have been accusatory of this to everyone I know including my cat Fluffy. I went to the Dr. today and the Dr. told me I have a condition which is called BPD Paranoia. I was given a shot and some ointment to apply to my forehead so it will soak into the brain region that controls this paranoia. The good news my friend is that I'm well again and of course you do not have BPD. That goes without saying though. Disregard all of my previously mentioned comments that I have made during my recent state of unwellness. Please have a great life with your new boyfriend, good bye,good luck and live long and prosper."

Then run for the hills or drive which ever is your preferred method to get to the hills.

[Ripped Heart]

I know I'm treading in dangerous waters, but I feel as though I'm strong enough to handle it. I will keep coming here for support and advice.

You're not going to get a lot of support for what you're doing on this board X, as you probably noticed, but you might on the Staying or Undecided boards, in fact the folks on the Staying board have plenty of tips for the path you're headed down.

I would echo fromheeltoheal's suggestions on this. Reading your previous posts, it sounds like you are making good progress within yourself and reading through your posts here, it does sound like you might be a little undecided. So possibly make a start reading through some of the posts on the undecided boards to see if they are of any help for you in your situation.

I've learned a lot myself from people on the Undecided boards and although I'm not the best to give this advice right now (I'm very porr with my own boundaries), defining and keeping your boundaries firm is a must in this situation. Right now I'm playing the game of relationship on relationship off, sometimes within an hour of each other. I text, she ignores it, she texts and I don't answer and they start getting more frequent. I say nothing, she calls I say anything caring towards her on the phone and she has to go. It can be a very tiring and exhausting process, so you need to ask yourself if you are in a position to be able to do that.

I can say to you quite clearly that if you want to give it another go and have set yourself a rule of only if she seeks therapy, how would you conduct that? Would you hold back until she was seeing a T? Would you start up the r/s again based on her saying she will see a T? Would you wait until there was progress?

The disturbing thing in all of this is that she still has the replacement and she isn't prepared to give him up right now.

[Matt8888]

Like others have said, it will be worse when she paints you black again.  I made that mistake a few times and it was terrible pain every time.  The only way to even remotely get them to respect you is to just live the best life you can live.

Don't pine for them.  :)on't kiss their butt.  Just plain indifference.  Why do you want more pain?

[Splitblack4good]

When you see her or talk next time just say this to her -> "I been feeling not well the last month and have been quite paranoid that everyone on earth has BPD. I have been accusatory of this to everyone I know including my cat Fluffy. I went to the Dr. today and the Dr. told me I have a condition which is called BPD Paranoia. I was given a shot and some ointment to apply to my forehead so it will soak into the brain region that controls this paranoia. The good news my friend is that I'm well again and of course you do not have BPD. That goes without saying though. Disregard all of my previously mentioned comments that I have made during my recent state of unwellness. Please have a great life with your new boyfriend, good bye,good luck and live long and prosper."

Then run for the hills or drive which ever is your preferred method to get to the hills.



Lol I've got a feeling il be saying this to my ex if I got given the chance to re engage funny thing is tho to someone with BPD it will make logical sense ! Lol