7th or so episode - blacker than ever before?

[Adamsky-66]

Hi,

I am a 40yr old guy living in Geneva. I am married to a 32yr old girl with BPD moments. We are together for around 3 yrs. married since end of 2014.

I currently experience the 7th or so episode of splitting. The first occurred shortly before the date of the marriage. The sequence is increasing. Since November 15, we are now in the 3rd one.

The mechanics are well known. So I will not quote every detail. But to sum it up: I screwed up her life. She is better off without me.

She lost all respect. The entire discussions take place on whatsapp. The messages vary from you are worthless and a liar to I have to end it even if it's tough. The entire package.

I always tried to be a better person in the past. Of course. It did not work out. Currently I just am empty and no longer willing to give in

I do want to change the cycle. Not react to every message in the trained and usual way: justifying my doings or accusing her of being mean or or or.

But I have no idea how. Reacting not at all is also tried. Did not work.

She wants a divorce now. But this is not the first time either. Cannot tell if it's final this time.

I want to re-attach me balls to be honest. I forgot about myself. And I want to keep her. But be less vulnerable.

I will read a bit in here.

Best. A

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Adamsky-66]

I tried to read some of the guidances here and found them helpful. But in my case, most of them do not work. Because we hardly have any f2f fights. It usually starts and stays on whatsapp. I tried several things already.

I did not react

I did explain

I did say sorry

I tried to calm her down.

I tried to tell her that this will lead to chaos

Nothing works.

It usually starts with something minor that drives her thoughts. You forgot to take out the garbage. You left some stuff in your pockets - I found it doing laundry. Stuff like that. And then it accelerates like a f1 car. From "you forgot to take out the garbage" to "you ruined my life", it sometimes takes around 1 minute. And then she blocks me and I can't reach her.

What is the right way in those cases? I will be silencend and then she hides. Sometimes for days. We have a house and a inner city apparatment. She hides wherever I am not.

These verbal abuses are hard, because I feel like being killed by my SO. And I have difficulties in realizing that it is not her or she has a condition that forces her.

What are your first aid kids or shoulder pads in these cases?

By the way: she is not diagnosed and refuses to think about professional help.

[Allranuthin]

Hello A-66,

Sounds like my 8 year r/s.  I ruined her life too... .or when I wasnt ruining her life, i was the "perfect for" her and the "love of her life"  Make sense?  She left in a rage 3 months go, very little contact (a couple emails, thats it)  most recently said she doesnt think she can ever see/talk to me again.  Heartbreaking.  So, I have been here on these boards searching for answers.  I want her back and I now realize there were things I could have done differently or better.  A key component is that for your SO--feelings that dont make sense to us are seen as reality.  Tough concept to grasp, and before researching here had not considered it.  I would judge, argue defend and explain how what she was feeling was distorted, unfounded and not true... .which made things escalate and me seem like a pretty insensite jerk.  Example: "you dont love, me" or "you hate my family"  Neither is true and I had a million counters to prove they werent true.  Not effective.  For her in the moment, it was true and it was up to me to VALIDATE that she indeed FELT that I didnt love her.  Up until this relationship with her, i had never been through these kinds of issues so i simply used facts and logic and miserably failed.  So , i can only say read up on how BPD works, validation and other skills.  Best wishes to you.

[Adamsky-66]

Oh well, that is sometimes a hard task to do. Seriously, she is comletely avoiding any f2f communication, she always goes on via text. there, a validation seems difficult.

Let's look at an example, which happened lately. I contacted a friend of hers who is also a friend of mine. I just asked her if she knows that my so seems to have a bps. She found out about it, or at least she is suspecting it.

She texts me:

what did you tell my friend? get your own life and your own friends you sick ass. this is the meanest thing you did to me ever. You talked badly about me. what did you tell her? You are worthless, a psychopath and what comes next? you destroyed the friendship [which is, of course, not true. her friend is mad at her, because she did not contact her for about a year and now all of a sudden wants to visit her].

I replied:

I do not know what you mean. If you think I talked badly about you behind your back, you are wrong. It would be smart if you read my mails and not delete them right away. I do not want this sort of conversation any more. Leave me alone. Get professional help.

Of course, she went on, but I blocked her, because I knew what would be next... .

But how could I validate in such a situation?

Reply:

I did not talk bad behind your back. I understand, that you feel betrayed. This is a bad feeling, I also feel sometimes like I have been betrayed. But I did not. I do not want to talk behind your back. I was looking for support. That is it.


Or another example:

I am sick of you. 2 yrs full f lies, you drag me down, you srewed up my life. My life was much better before I met you. I want a divorce. I do not want to see you ever again. Get your life in order, look for another woman and destroy her life as well.

My answer not to react at all.

Validation try:

I do not like the idea that you feel that your life is messed up. It is a terrible feeling and I respect your fear. I do not think this conversation is helping at the moment. Therefore, I will not read and communicate further via text. If you like, we can sort things out later, but you need to calm down before.

What do you think?

[Allranuthin]

Hey A-66,

I know its tough to hear how  awful you are when youre not, and awful things youre accused of that you didnt do.  I am only 3 month in here and actually have not had the opportunity to engage my new skills, so I am not in a favorable place to offer advice   as I can only relate to what youre going through.  I hope some of the wise ones in this family here will reach out to you

[Adamsky-66]

To be honest with you: It is quite obvious for you and me that I am struggling. That I am in between realism, optimism and irrational hope. And I need to find myself in all that.

German BPD sites usually are quite pessimistic. It's a mental condition, there is nothing you can do about it. Accept it. It's not to change. US-websites tend to be more optimistic. I have no idea why. It might be just a cultural thing.

But it is so evident that she will not change. At least not in the near future. She is in denial, even more than that. She diagnoses her entire social network with all kinds of psychological issues. Including me, of course. I am a dependend ADD maniac who messed  up her life. Without me, her life is great. With me, it's miserable. You all know that.

What happens to me? I see myself and I see changes over time. At the beginning, after the first cracks in the mirror came and she splitted, I was in shock. I had the feeling of dying. You all know that as well. But after episode 3,4,5,... ., I see myself getting less and less involved.

That does not mean that I do not care anymore. Far from that, seriously . But between #1 and #7, things changed. What exactly?

- I do not feel that guilty anymore. I realized that there is nothing I can do to satisfy her needs

- I start to accept that it is not a "normal" relationship. She has an illness, that makes her do that. It's nothing personal. I am not a loser who drags her down

- I start to question myself what exactly I like about her. I start to see her flaws (which are not BPD related)

- I currently think a divorce is not a bad idea. I need to reboot my system, but it's worth the efforts.

I tried to explain it to a friend of mine. You all know that type of friends that argue on a free-market basis: Get rid of her, she is not worth it, why are u so stupid... .it's annoying because these people do not invest a lot of thoughts trying to figure out what is inside me. But nevertheless. I told him I feel like being on the beach. I have a little shovel and I built a sandcastle of personal freedom and choice. Every once in a while, a major wave hits the beach and washes away my castle. I feel unprotected, scared, have to start over and over again. But after a couple of these waves, I start to realize: There is a little of the castle left. I do not have to start all over again. Imagine, I want to build it up to a height of 3ft. After the wave, only 5 inches are left. I start to rebuild, come up to 2". Wave, 10 inches left. And so on.

It is a constant effort, constant pain. But it starts to be built. And I am pretty happy about that.

Yesterday, I saw her for the first time in 12days. We have a common appartment in the city and a house outside. I stayed in the house, she in that appartment. Yesterday, I had a daytrip and came back late. So I told her that I will be in that appartment and she might look for another place.

I came home, she was not there. At around 10:30, I was relaxed and happy. But all of a sudden, she was there. Being, of course, pretty cold. I just ordered dinner. I decided it will be best to leave. So I packed my stuff and told her that I will stay in a hotel. She did not reply first. I left. But I forgot my charger, so I went back. She directly told me that this is my place as well. And I should sleep in the living room (where she placed my bed already). I told her no, i do not want to stay, I have no interest in seeing her.

At the time I arrived at the hotel, she texted me. Its your appartment. It's ridiculous, why are you doing that. I did not reply.

But of course, it plays tricks in my head. Is she on the edge of coming back? Regreds? I did not react. I went to sleep. I feel better this morning.

I am of course not healed. Far from that. But I did not have the urge to beg for anything. To say how senseless her behavoiur is. I just said I do not want to stay. That felt great.

I want her back. But I want the part of her back that is not existing. At least controllable by her. It is that part that idolizes me. I will try not to fall for that any more.