I've noticed a trend on the website...

[Icanteven]

I've noticed a trend on the website of late that ought to be called "The Onion's 'Letters to Prudy' or BPD Thread?" Just in the last few days I've read these gems:

"I was convicted of domestic violence; why is my SO so personality disordered?"
"My ex is an alcoholic stalker who breaks into my home; this can end well, right?"
"My ex posted a pic with her boyfriend of a year on Facebook; why is she trying to hurt ME?
"I'm divorcing my husband after two months of marriage; why is he so impulse-disordered?"
"I'm dating another woman and my ex has threatened to block me if I contact her again; there's still a chance our relationship can be saved, right?

Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298063

[SoMadSoSad]

What is your opinion on these type of threads?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, intimate relationships bring up intense emotions, exaggerated when one or both partners has a personality disorder, and exaggerated when the relationship isn't working or has ended.  :)etachment specifically is a process, all of us in different stages, and it's easy to see when someone might not be as far as someone else, maybe reminds us of a less detached version of ourselves?

Anyway, it boils down to what questions we're asking Icanteven.  If we're trying to contribute positively, questions asked to elicit how might include:

What does this person need right now?
How can I help?
I used to feel that way, how can I share part of my story, and how I got through it, that this member may be able to use?
Hey, I read something in an article on this site that would help here; how do I post a link to it?

So what questions are we asking?

[Skip]

So, as a group, are we struggling with fundamental attribution error (attribution bias) this week (this month)?

Attribution bias

When we overestimate the role of person factors and overlook the impact of situational factors, we are making a mistake that social psychologists have termed the fundamental attribution error. This error is very closely related to another attributional tendency, the correspondence bias, which occurs when we attribute behaviors more to people’s internal characteristics, even in heavily constrained situations.  And we do the opposite when looking at ourselves.

The classic example is when we see a man who rushes by a pregnant women on the street and think of him as an uncaring self centered jerk. At the same time, we see that when we rushed by a homeless man earlier in the week, it was because we were late for a meeting that was important to our children.

[enlighten me]

When your in the eye of the storm or in the immediate aftermath our emotions are in turmoil.

It isnt suprising to see the conflicting posts because at that moment in time we are conflicted. Our logical mind and heart are in a struggle. We have been or are going through something that doesnt make sense.

I am over two years out from the relationship with my uBPD exgf and I still get moments of doubt. They are short lived but it still happens.

we all have to come to our own conclusions and sometimes just throwing something out is needed to give a thought process form.

[Skip]

Good points... .

        AND this is not a black and white question

                ... .can you quantify?

[Reforming]

One of the great strengths of this site is that it has the potential to help us see our situation in a more objective and healthy light.

When people come here they are often off balance and their perception and judgement are skewed by the disintegration of our their relationship or by their issues and family history. They tend to focus primarily on the mistakes or failings of their partners and overlook their own. As Skip suggests that's pretty common and even understandable.

The challenge is to support other members and help them reframe their experiences in a way that helps them move forward.  I think this works best when it's done with respect and empathy.

Reforming

[enlighten me]

I dont know if I could quantify it in an eloquent way.

The spectrum is too broad for a single quantifying statement as we are all individuals and therefore react differently and feel differently.

I could generalise but not quantify.

[Icanteven]

First and foremost, this site was a godsend and a spoke in my wheel of recovery.  And, I've gotten a lot of great insight and advice over the last few months that has helped me immeasurably. 

With that said... .

My issues are a little more fundamental than attribution bias. Real examples:

You beat your partner and she left you.  But she had BPD, so you couldn't help yourself.

You dated your SO for three months three years ago and you're not over it.  Because she is the emotionally dysregulated one.

You left your wife and family for your mistress who wound up dumping you.  Your mistress was clearly BPD.

Your SO is your spouse in one story and your girlfriend in the next and your fiancee in the next.

You stalk your ex on social media months and years later and you're convinced her new partner exists to torment you.  Because she has the personality disorder.

Your ex had a history of getting drunk and being abusive but you're not sure if you should take him back.  Also, he's still drinking.  BPD something something.

Your ex took out a restraining order against you but you're pretty sure she wants to reconcile.  Pretty sure.  She's gonna change her mind about the TRO because BPD.  Definitely.

You were married to your spouse for two months but YOU'RE seeking a divorce because your spouse is the impulsive one. 

You're on a website dedicated to BPD and your spouse has never set foot in a therapist's/psychiatrist's/psychologist's office but you're certain he has BPD.  Apparently because he dumped you.

bpdfamily's value is many-faceted, but the topics should relate to BPD.  In every example above, what does BPD have to do with anything?  Stalking your ex?  DV? Infidelity?  Sure, BPD may contribute, but you cheated on your wife and walked out on your kids for a woman half your age and we're talking about BPD?  Seriously?  Or, you're on probation for DV, she has a restraining order against you, and we're talking about BPD?  Stop posting. 

My beef is pretty basic:  we are united by our experiences with our BPD loved ones.  That doesn't mean the pwBPD is the bad guy/gal, and these relationship issues may, fundamentally, have bedrock issues that have NOTHING to do with personality disorders.  Further, just because we can acknowledge the pain someone is in doesn't mean we should justify the behavior that landed them here or the behavior they're currently engaging in.  Don't beat your wife.  Go to your meetings.  Take your wedding vows seriously.  Don't be a stalker. Get into therapy.

Gotta value add, not co-ruminate and enable.

[joeramabeme]

ICantEVen

Maybe I am reading this wrong but I sense a bit of disdain/frustration in your question.  I have certainly had moments of I can't stand her / hope she comes back.  Of course, we are dealing with a person who is internally fragmented and I certainly have my own internal fragmentation.

Easier for me to see your flaws than for me to see my own.  This is the central idea, for me, about being compassionate.  I need to practice being compassionate to others even when I think they are way off base, because I too will need the same.

I have a close life long friend who told me a number of months ago not to ever mention my exes name in front of him again.  He cares deeply about me, I know it and he just wants to see me get over it.  But his attribution of "I deserve better and will meet someone else" has hurt me deeply and caused significant damage to our friendship.  Yet still, I have listened to him complain about the same thing about his wife over and over for 30 years and he thinks he would divorce her in a heartbeat - that is one long heartbeat.

Some people get stuck.  Some get stuck for a short time and then move on.  I am 8 months divorced - making progress and still have some really weak moments that rock my core. 

Hope you can see that these contradictions are not logical - but they are human.

JRB

[Icanteven]

Hope you can see that these contradictions are not logical - but they are human.

Hey man had this exact conversation with my wife today.  "Can you understand that I love you but I'm angry with you and I'm grateful for our time together but your behavior at the end and since has been despicable?"

No beef with that whatsoever.  There are days I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me and days I try to thread the needle of her recovery in ways that aren't emotionally healthy nor especially reasonable from an odds standpoint.  And I want to be held to account at least as much as anyone for my flaws and bad behavior.

But, we're not talking about the jumble of emotions so many posters feel and the difficulty of moving on within the normal grieving process.  Well, at least I'm not.  I'm talking about BPD masquerading as a pop culture diagnosis that just ain't there (or, at least, is really, really sub clinical) and folks who lay down the BPD card as if it's a get out of jail free token.  I blew up my family for my mistress but my mistress was BPD!  Um, dude... .

[VitaminC]

I'm not sure if I'm correctly understanding what grates on you. Possibly not. This is how I understood it. If I'm way wrong, just ignore my reply. 

Gotta value add, not co-ruminate and enable.

Yes, I think that is what happens here. Maybe I've read fewer posts than you, Icanteven, or maybe I read them and if I feel myself getting impatient with the poster I decide to leave it to someone else to respond and then, for the most part, put it out of my mind.

I am actively looking for two things:
i) insights and information that I can use in my own process
ii) other members whose situations resonate for me in a way I understand and then a way to offer my own experience and what I've learned that can possibly be helpful.

As a non-professional I proceed from myself; what would I need or hope to get in the situation I am reading about? What helped me in the past when I had similar feelings or thought processes?

And then I try to give that, with kindness and respect, I hope. I find it helps me to think about someone else's similar emotions that are arising out of sometimes completely different circumstances. It's just a way to approach the questions from different perspectives - it helps me to gain a deeper understanding because I've turned the thing over so many different ways.  

When I come across a post that leaves me gobsmacked or irritates me in some way, I either move on, like I said, if I don't feel I'm going to learn anything, or mark it to get updates. I then look forward to other member's input and find I learn quite a lot from that.  Other member's input is also teaching me something valuable about listening with empathy, or just having more patience in unravelling things. I even find that I am carrying that over into my day to day life interactions, which is a benefit I really wasn't prepared for.

[steelwork]

I'm talking about BPD masquerading as a pop culture diagnosis that just ain't there (or, at least, is really, really sub clinical) and folks who lay down the BPD card as if it's a get out of jail free token.

Does it happen? Sure. Is it happening on this board? Probably. Does that stop this board from being of value? Nope.

You also are not really in a position to judge strangers based on what they type into a box.

 I blew up my family for my mistress but my mistress was BPD!  Um, dude... .

How do you know this theoretical mistress doesn't have BPD or BPD traits?

Does everyone who has an affair have a personality disorder?

What would you like to happen here, exactly?

Also:

Should we be surprised that people leaving tumultuous relationships under tumultuous circumstances might be at times illogical, needy, confused, or otherwise having a hard time accepting an extremely painful reality? Or that they might still be snared in the logic of a dysfunctional relationship?

[Reforming]

People who find this site and post here come from a broad variety of circumstances. Some are more extreme than others but we're all looking for understanding, support and acceptance.

Icaneven other members are not blind to what you've described. 

We all make mistakes but do you think any of us are willing to confront uncomfortable truths when we feel judged and backed into a corner?

At it's best this community can guide, educate and help us be accountable but there needs a foundation of trust and acceptance.

When we feel safe, when we feel accepted we're much more likely to trust and open our heart and our mind and listen to what others have to say

[Skip]

I'm talking about... .[some] folks who lay down the BPD card as if it's a get out of jail free token.  I blew up my family for my mistress but my mistress was BPD!  

Your point is valid, one. Yes.

My general comments are not aimed at you - they are aimed at all reading this - we are all in this together.

I don't know a single staffer, senior member, professional member, or distinguished member that would argue this. We all know that the majority of partners are sub-clinical. We have all seen the research that says that 50% of the partners of mentally ill people also have illness. We know that BPD/NPD is a common pairing and when those relationships shatter, there is an enormous narcissistic wound which is not pretty.

On the detaching board, in many ways the binding factor is not the "BPD" partner, its the nature of the relationship demise, the wound that it left, and the struggles we have in healing it. We have a big role in all three of those elements - for some, leading roles.

My issues are a little more fundamental than attribution bias. Real examples:

Well maybe "get out of jail free token" is a better term, but I suspect we are talking about the same thing. Attribution bias would be "My partner is a pathological monster" and "Yes, I did really bad things, but I had no choice" or "My partner is a pathological monster" and "she seduced me into an affair that destroyed my family - shame on her". It is a pop culture phenomenon, as you say; film, broadcast, print, web. We posted this on our front page:

Twenty years ago, very few people had heard of personality disorders.  Today and there are many relationship websites flippantly labeling people with personality disorders -  psychopaths, malignant narcissists, "emotional vampires", "borderlines". What is a balanced perspective on all of this?

The premise of "bpdfamily.com" is to be a place that steps off the pop culture train.

All this begs the fundamental questions of "why are we here" and "what can we do to make the world a better place".

Why are we here (detaching)? To help the wounded recover. There is no litmus test for the injury. We often talk about how how similar the exs are - many of us are also similar in our wounds and ability to heal them. 72% are in a state of depression (and have associated cognitive distortions) and many have a similar Meyers Briggs personality "gene".

What can we do to make the world a better place? We accept the wounded for who they are (as distraught, abused, misguided, or lost as they may be) and we provide a warm hand, perspective and centering, and education on human nature an on abnormal human nature. Some of the problems members struggle with is just garden variety human nature. Unfortunately, in 2000's, most people learned their psychology from the television. If we graduate 10,000 members a year with a better understanding of human nature and how to be a better relationship partner and have a better relationship, it's a win.

The process is to give newbies a pretty wide berth, and to gently center them, and help guide the learning process. As members advance, we look for growth in self-awareness and emotional maturity and a condition of admission into the senior corp. This is not an anything goes support group - although there are periods of that with some members.

It's not a perfect system, for sure, but that is the model.

Attribution bias is something we all need to think about when guiding others. That is one of the benefits of a support group - others looking in who don't have the bias and who comfort BUT won't validate the invalid. Friends help us Face the Facts. Sometimes that's hard.

[shatra]

Here is my feedback to icanteven's examples:


You dated your SO for three months three years ago and you're not over it.  Because she is the emotionally dysregulated one.
------Maybe the pwBPD has been approaching the person who wrote this throughout the 3 years... .there is no timeline on grief

You left your wife and family for your mistress who wound up dumping you.  Your mistress was clearly BPD.
----Mistress can very likely be BPD----they manipulate and then break up with people frequently

Your SO is your spouse in one story and your girlfriend in the next and your fiancee in the next.
-----Unclear example

You stalk your ex on social media months and years later and you're convinced her new partner exists to torment you.  Because she has the personality disorder.
-----I have known dozens of people involved with a pwBPD and this is actually very common... .the BPD does often flaunt the new partner, and manipulate the ex, and then dump the new partner and try to return to the ex... .it is called rapprochement and is a basic part of BPD ... .so is splitting

Your ex had a history of getting drunk and being abusive but you're not sure if you should take him back.  Also, he's still drinking.  BPD something something.
------Alcohol abuse is very common with BPD... .many people are codependent and link up with them

Your ex took out a restraining order against you but you're pretty sure she wants to reconcile.  Pretty sure.  She's gonna change her mind about the TRO because BPD.  Definitely.
-----This one I have personally seen more than dozens of times, and read about many more times.  And the BPD tries to reunite later, It is part of the push pull.  I have also seen them have partners arrested (falsely) and then try to reunite

You were married to your spouse for two months but YOU'RE seeking a divorce because your spouse is the impulsive one. 
----Depending on the details this can be a good decision

You're on a website dedicated to BPD and your spouse has never set foot in a therapist's/psychiatrist's/psychologist's office but you're certain he has BPD.  Apparently because he dumped you.
----Havent' seen posts where being "dumped" is the only criteria.  The 9 criteria for BPD are publicly available, and many many BPD never set foot in a therapist's office---doesn't mean they dont' have BPD

bpdfamily's value is many-faceted, but the topics should relate to BPD.  In every example above, what does BPD have to do with anything?  Stalking your ex?  DV? Infidelity?  Sure, BPD may contribute, but you cheated on your wife and walked out on your kids for a woman half your age and we're talking about BPD?  Seriously?  Or, you're on probation for DV, she has a restraining order against you, and we're talking about BPD?  Stop posting. 
----Actually these are pretty common issues

My beef is pretty basic:  we are united by our experiences with our BPD loved ones.  That doesn't mean the pwBPD is the bad guy/gal, and these relationship issues may, fundamentally, have bedrock issues that have NOTHING to do with personality disorders.  Further, just because we can acknowledge the pain someone is in doesn't mean we should justify the behavior that landed them here or the behavior they're currently engaging in.  Don't beat your wife.  Go to your meetings.  Take your wedding vows seriously.  Don't be a stalker. Get into therapy.

=====Actually BPD makes the person do some pretty bad things. And rarely does their behavior escape their disorder. It's not like having a phobia about bugs, that doesn't really affect one's partner's life... .BPD is a serious and pervasive disorder, and it deeply affects the pwBPD's relationships.

[schwing]

Hey Icanteven,

I have a really good friend who I thought was in really really bad place some time ago. I was sending friends in common in his direction just to check up on him periodically (so it didn't look like I was being too much a busy-body) and I was seriously wondering if at some point he might not put a gun to his head.

And for many months, I tried to persuade him into getting professional help. And he'd hear me, but resisted. Money, professional goals, other priorities, shame, I don't know exactly why not... .

Until he dated someone that presented a ton of red flags for BPD. And boy was that a car wreck in slow motion. Not much in life harder than watching someone you love make a mistake that you wish you could prevent for them. But it's not my life, not my mistake. We all must live our own lives.

And you know what? Something about being with this person in pain, for months of trials and tribulations, finally motivated him to see a therapist. And he told me, later, that it wasn't until he got to a point in that relationship where he found himself struggling to get his girlfriend into a therapist's room, that he finally realized he needed it just as much, if not more, than she did.

I totally did not see that coming. But was very thankful he got the help he did.  That was a little over a decade ago. And he is in a much much better place these days.

My beef is pretty basic:  we are united by our experiences with our BPD loved ones.  That doesn't mean the pwBPD is the bad guy/gal, and these relationship issues may, fundamentally, have bedrock issues that have NOTHING to do with personality disorders.  Further, just because we can acknowledge the pain someone is in doesn't mean we should justify the behavior that landed them here or the behavior they're currently engaging in.  :)on't beat your wife.  Go to your meetings.  Take your wedding vows seriously.  :)on't be a stalker. Get into therapy.

Gotta value add, not co-ruminate and enable.

The point of my story being, we all go through it. Some of us get stuck in this process or that process. It's easy to see from the outside, but you get lost on the inside.  Heck, sometimes I wonder if the people posting here aren't exactly the very same people who actually suffer from BPD. But we can both, the BPD sufferer and the nonBPD, be stuck and stuck good. Just for different reasons.

If they want to lay blame, I say fine. This is as valid an outlet as any place. We're here to validate. But the people that safeguard this place, they notice when a member seems a little too stuck. They try to nudge them along in whatever way they can. And the hope is, by example, we all learn to do the same for each other. But we're also seeing it from the inside, so it can be a little foggy sometimes.  Sometimes it's hard to see someone stuck in the same place we were stuck in for years. But they are only one month in.  Or they've been in the same place for a decade longer than you have. You still got to give them the time they need to figure things for themselves. You can't just tell them where the exit sign is and expect them to just walk through it.  It doesn't work that way.

If you feel frustrated, I can empathize. As a matter of fact, I think it's because of your empathy that it's frustrating to you. Just let it go.  Let someone else take a shot at it.  That's more or less what I try to do.

[Zinnia21]

Here is my feedback to icanteven's examples:


You dated your SO for three months three years ago and you're not over it.  Because she is the emotionally dysregulated one.
------Maybe the pwBPD has been approaching the person who wrote this throughout the 3 years... .there is no timeline on grief

Yes, I think I agree with shatra here. You don't always get someone's full back story in a post, and if you sat down and talked to them face to face for a while, maybe you'd understand why they're pretty 99.99999% sure that their partner / ex does suffer from BPD.

As for the extreme cases you've noted, where people have referenced that they've been violent towards their partner etc, I do agree they need to separate that from their assumptions about BPD and look at their own behaviour. But if you respond in a mature way, you could even be the one to help or guide them on that. To suggest solutions...
No one is perfect, the people here are reaching out in their own way.

As you say, the boards have helped you a lot too. Depending on your own r/s situation, or which board you currently 'belong' to, the different boards have a different 'tone' to them. If you are in a r/s with a pwBPD, some of the boards or posts may sound a bit abrasive. But I think, for example, on the detaching board, not everyone wants to tell their whole back story. They just need to reach out in a moment of agony to others who instantly relate to their story. They've reached out to these people, not to be enabled, but just because they gain empathy and understanding from those who have been through something similar or almost identical. In that case their is no judgement, it's just people sharing a similar story at a similar time in their lives.

I'd also like to say, that if you've been with a BPD partner, it's likely you have been demonised by them through the r/s. I felt that the devaluing really hurt me a lot when I had tried so hard to love and to be understanding. When you've been devalued and discarded like this, I think it's only natural to vent a bit of frustration and anger amongst people who understand.

On any public forum you will encounter so many different stories and personalities. From the everyday church goer, to the abusive extreme types. And everything in between. You'll be reading posts from people with not much life experience who are isolated in small towns, people who are young and old, people with difficult childhoods, and people who are worldy and wise. I think that one has to roll with that, with the diversity, and just help where they think they can.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Icanteven:

I concur with you with the following two caveats:

a) People who post here are not clinicians... .they are hurt and are looking to seek answers as to why.   Sometimes their conclusion that the "perpetrators" suffer from BPD fits in a clinical sense and sometimes it does not. They are here because they are struggling to understand, cope with and recover with some devastation in their lives.

b) This site does not present itself as a clinical site... .the posters within themselves do not have patient-clinician relationship.  We are all trying to muddle through together towards the goal of achieving a modicum of personal and emotional equilibrium.  The framework and the referential guide is our own personal experience, not clinical.

So you have both the initial posters and the responders helping one another ---it is a process--back and forth, inside out, over and under, down and up... .it is like a sloow unraveling of a complexly entangled ball of wool.  The process is not a straightline... .not even like an undulating river that meanders to the sea.  It is literally an infinitely more subtle and complex process and you can only fathom its relative success over a long time and over many many many posts.

[drained1996]

I'm going to take a different route from what I've seen so far.  I agree with Icanteven to an extent.  I've seen those posts from time to time that make me linger a little and go... .what the heck?... .you don't know the pain.  He's right, there are those that come here, and post something to tag into the BPD mantra to give themselves an excuse... .but from what I've seen they evaporate from the site quickly.
I get your point Icanteven, but it seems like a bug that we have exterminators for here... .they don't last.  Like cockroaches, they scuttle in and end up legs up, or just die away.  
Icanteven, many here have not had their partner diagnosed, but that's no reason to judge.  If they stay here, I think we all know that it's probable.  If they post some inflammatory stuff, and leave in a huff... .well, that speaks for itself.  
Take a deep breath, slow down, and don't let the few BPD experience posers let you lose sight of the bigger picture this site offers.  It's certainly not the norm from what I see... .and I'd damn sure say if it was.  Take care of YOU... .the posers you see mean nothing, so don't let them mean anything to you.  

[Larmoyant]

If I've missed the point here I apologise, but it's just occurred to me that my posts may at times reflect these examples in the form of “I have been severely abused by my ex to the point of clinical depression and at times suicidal ideation; but I want him back”. Would consider having him back.

Clearly, there’s something amiss here, it's something within me, and others are likely to see that straight away, but it wouldn’t be helpful if someone said hey, it’s not him, it’s you so, ‘Stop ruminating’, ‘Stop blaming him‘, Get into therapy’.
 
At first, I needed validation of my experience. He was/is the bad guy. I need to get out what he’s done so I can get to my part, then slowly, but surely it all starts unfolding, the fog lifts and I begin to own my role, face the painful issues and hopefully recover.

For now, I’m still confused, wading through stress and competing emotions and maybe the people behind those examples are too.

[enlighten me]

As others have aluded to we all have our own issues. I can hand on heart say that my issues led me into two uBPD relationships and they also kept me attached for quite some time after.

Yes in the begining I saw BPD in everything they did. I can now apply a BPD filter to their behaviours. A lot of what I saw as BPD was just normal. Its not BPD to be happy in a new relationship.  Its human nature. What is BPD is if it is forced down your throat to get a reation.

Its not BPD to post on social media. It is when its used for attention seeking and boosting an unhealthily low self esteem. Whats should be more concerning is why you feel the need to check their social media. Unless you have children with them then all you are doing is seeing monsters where they dont exist.

In the begining we need a release for our pain and anger is a very useful tool. We also need validation for our feelings. Were not all william shakespearse so maybe a lot of what we try to put across comes out wrong. We are deeling with facts, emotions and gut feelings. At times trying to consolidate this can come across as trying to explain something with maths, colours and smell. They just dont sit well together but they make sense to the person trying to explain.

The healing process is as stated a process. We have to work through from the initial confusion to hopefully an elightened and peaceful place.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Icanteven,

I think you have made a really good point. I can understand your beef and have had similar feelings reading posts. I am a firm believer that we must look at our side of the street in order to recover, grow, and thrive.

That can be very difficult, even for those of us willing to do that. For some of us, we are not as ready to look at, or aware of, our own issues to the point that we can begin to examine them objectively. Part of what we do here, as you know, is to facilitate that opportunity. And that takes large doses of compassion and patience when we see that someone is stuck. As you say, we do our best to validate what is valid and gently challenge what isn't if the member has been with us for awhile.

Also, I think the examples you cite do happen, and I have certainly experienced my share of "what the what?" moments. There may be times (even many) when we are dealing with relationship dysfunction straight up. Imagine that plus BPD, though. And backgrounds of trauma, abuse, depression, alcoholism, etc, on both sides. Hard to untangle, and no wonder some would like to dump it all on the disorder called BPD, right?

It's clear to me that you care Icanteven, otherwise you wouldn't feel frustrated or even have bothered to comment. That caring is something so valuable for us here. I'm glad you shared your feelings with us. As a community it is important to look at ourselves as a whole as well as individuals.

heartandwhole

[LilMe]

I have been here, on and off, for quite a few years.  I have also noticed that people come and go and some definitely seem blind to their own part in their relational problems.  Most of us who stick around seem to really be working on ourselves and trying to get over what happened in a healthy way.

I find that the advice the ambassadors and moderators give is kind and compassionate, regardless of whether the poster is accurate in their assessment of their relationship or the status of their pwBPD.  Their pain is real and I feel that the advisors here are respectful of that.

For myself, I find that as I mature and learn and grow, I am better able to identify behaviors related to specific BPD traits and not blame quite as much on BPD in general.  Yes, the majority of my relationship problems were caused by the basic BPD traits, but my emotional immaturity and needs fueled the BPD fire.  When I was painted black and he was yelling and hating me during the early phase of our relationship before I knew about BPD, I remember asking him often if he wanted me to leave and how crazy that would make him.  Now it makes sense after learning about the abandonment issues he had.  I doubt that knowing this would have saved the relationship, but it sure would have reduced the drama and conflict!

I agree with others who have said that when a post is upsetting to them it is best to leave it to others who can respond compassionately.

Thank you all for being here and taking the time to post and share!

[pjstock42]

I think that someone who is freshly removed from the discard process or in the throngs of multiple recycles is bound to not be thinking clearly and will most likely have some heavy attribution bias at this time. I agree that attributing BPD or any personality disorder to your partner should not be a "get out of jail free" card but I also understand that someone may jump to this conclusion to an extent while they are new to the pain/confusion of the relationship ending. I would say that the real thing to focus on is how the person progresses in their later posts as time passes on, I have seen many people delve deeply into introspective thinking and examining the role which they played in the relationship. It is very easy to play up the victim card early on in this process and I was definitely guilty of this myself, only with time can one reach a point where detachment starts to set in and clear thinking can return. This is just my opinion, I guess I am saying that I would never want to jump on someone who says something that seems irrational because I probably don't know the full extent of their story / where they are in the process / the history with their partner etc.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Individuals need to be able to freely express their feelings and experiences on this site.  I could, in any post, explain that my exBPDgf that I only dated for 3 months was not diagnosed with BPD.  She was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, ADHD, and depression.  I could further explain that she was on several medications, but would stop taking some or all of them at one time or another, revolving around the break up - get back together cycles we experienced.  Instead I've tried to focus on my feelings, confusion, and the fact that I'm reaching out for support. 

I can understand one's frustration with those who seem to be using the behavior of others to justify their own bad behavior, but a measure of compassion is a must.  Our community cannot be an exclusive place where only those with "real problems" can come.  It takes time and effort to heal and get better.  The one great thing I have gotten from this site is that I know I am not alone.  The one great thing I have gained from my experience is that I see a T.  I initially went to the T because I knew I had some work to do before entering into another new relationship, so in a very small way my ex did help me become a better man.  She just won't be around to enjoy the fruits of my effort. 

This thread has been interesting and I really do enjoy the open dialog.  It has helped me to better frame my posts and responses.