I feel as if life is over again.. not worth living

[guitarguy09]

I don't think it's selfish to have a healthy self interest and to take care of yourself first. Safety is the #1 priority, and if you can't feel safe on a regular basis you really can't feel too good about anything. Good for you for taking some steps towards divorce. I agree with heartandwhole, engage a lawyer to see what your options are. 

[momtara]

She is just trying to get your goat.  You could talk to a lawyer about her threats.  Tape record them.  She's extorting you.  Anyway, maybe you can talk to her therapist about how she's pushing you away?  Doesn't seem like dbt is working right.

It's too bad that you feel you must keep defending yourself.  Clearly you are a good person who is trying your best.  This is the worst time.  Someday, maybe not so far in the future, you'll feel a lot better and know the direction you're headed.

[justaboutdone]

Hurthusband I am in your exact same shoes right now.  While there is no right answer to her situation you can only go with the best answer. Trying to emotionally detach from her is a good start.  You have to show some emotion toward her because she probably demands it, but fake your emotion toward her.  At least faking your emotion toward her will at least feel like you are in control of the situation unlike her.  Mentally withdraw from her as much as possible but do it slowly until your withdrawal becomes the norm and she doesn't notice any different.  Realize she is sucking you down a drain and like water going down a drain, it is going to go faster and faster.  You need some outside help to pull you out.  Start with some phone calls with appointments and you will eventually find the support you need.  I called the national domestic abuse hotline and the local and they did absolutely nothing for me, probably because I am a male.  But keep looking and you will find it sooner than you think despite how hard it is.

If I can throw this out there, that is pretty impressive and I am amazed you can work that many hours a week to support the family, be a single father, have such a heart toward the kids, and then on top of all of that... . babysit and put up with her inconceivable behavior.  Success will come your way after this bull**** is over!

[Surnia]

Hi hurthusband

Like others said it before: No matter what room you are choosing to be at your own, the office, a motel, a friends spare room - you are a man. Being a man isn't depending from sleeping rooms. 

I am really worried about your situation. Being threatened is tough and I think this would qualify for a help desk or a lawyer. Or both.

Are you doing some work-outs in gym? This could help to give you some moments of energy.

Please stay tuned, HH!

[elemental]

It's no wonder you are getting so overwhelmed.

You have a right to enforce a boundry here by simply turning off the phone for the day, or putting it on vibrate and only checking periodically.

[hurthusband]

I used to workout few times a week every week for past 14 years up until about 6 months ago, but things got so bad and I had to be home at certain times that I just started missing more and more work outs. I am trying, but I would say in past year my strength has dropped 15%.  

I do not want it to sound like I am doing everything.  When she wanted to remodel she did and learned how to do alot herself and did amazing work.  She really can be a hard worker.  Its just too much work pisses her off, too much idle time will set in...

It just feels like not living day to day but trying to make it hour to hour.  She telling me constantly you have ruined all our lives.  It takes its toll when its from somebody you love.

Its also hard because turning off phone just means she calls your job putting your job in jeapardy.  It does not matter that that is the sole main income.  That is the hardest thing... you can set boundaries, but she will literally cut her nose to spite her face.  Turn off phone, she calls business line, tell people you not there, she shows up at your work. 

I do alot of work on phone so cannot really turn it off for long anyways.  She knows me quite well.  I wanted us to be a team and one married unit.  I mean she may not like alot of things nor understand alot of things about me, but she knows my buttons

It has all changed over time and been a certain way so long I do not know what is right and wrong from her behavior.  I am not sure she does even.  I know she wants to be fair.  It is like a really long psychotic BPD episode.  I literally think she hates my guys with all her heart and at the same time loves me more than anyone besides kids and its a constant tug of war and she wants it to stop.

[Hopeless777]

Dear HH:

I can't add much to this other than to say that I really feel for you. Don't pay attention to what she says. I'm on the tail end of a 26 year marriage, I'm 56 and contemplating moving into my mom's spare bedroom until everything gets sorted out. The "mommy" comments have actually become amusing. But the rent is right: free! Do what you have to to preserve yourself and your business.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I have slept out few times to detach from the outbursts. Previously it got very ugly, I was expecting the neighbors to call the police in. Confrontation only escalates, but being assertive and calm worked better. The difficult part is doing that in the face of abuse being thrown at you. I had learned the hard way, that we cannot expect them to be aware of the current situation and face reality, but we have to. I went to see a doc (not a therapist), and his advice was give priority to getting sleep and rest, because physically impairment affects the mind, and that may lead to bad decisions and more negative thoughts. Really I wished I had someone telling me that earlier, now I have to try can climb back to functioning as before and it's really tough. Do whatever you can to "normalize" yourself even after what happened, ironically this is something that BPD struggles with and we also have to try to do it.

[Surnia]

HH

What you are in is quite typical for many rs here - a lot of blaming, trying to make things better which means, doing less for yourself, giving in to her wishes and demands. The thing is, it will not stop. The deregulated partners will find new things, new demands and so on. Giving up things like workouts will takes it toll to you and makes things easier for her.

It has all changed over time and been a certain way so long I do not know what is right and wrong from her behavior.

I was there too. CCC - You didn't cause it, you can not cure it and you can not control it. One of the first steps is more mentally. Its about your boundaries. Its about your own acceptance. You are like everyone here not perfect. This doesn't mean you are responsible for everything in her life!

So one step could be to restart gym.   Not against her - for yourself! To regain some personal space, even littles steps are counting.

[momtara]

 "I wanted us to be a team and one married unit."

I wanted this so badly too.  Not to work against each other.  But then something had to give.  My husband never wanted us to get divorced, but the disorder pushes away the person they love most.  It is just a cruel disorder. 

I think you should inform her therapist - although he may not be able to convince her either.

The stuff about her calling you at work is hard.  I know you don't want to get a restraining order, so not sure what you can do.  Except, realize you are a good person, this is NOT your fault, and hang in there.

[hurthusband]

Last night i was finishing work when she called.  sadly saying she cant live like this and that its horrible.  

Talking calmly before blasting me saying I dont know what pain is.  I dont know what its like to be on the edge of killing myself like she is.  Almost taunting me and daring me to kill myself.

I couldnt stop crying and thinking about it.  Finally she called back later because it was 18 degrees out.  I was staying at the office again which has heating problems and she was concerned about me.  She threatened to tell my parents unless I get a hotel room. I told her I couldnt keep giving in to her.  Finally i did though, I guess i rationalized that it was safety.  It was a waste of money i do not have, but at least i got a hot shower and ate something for first time in 2 days.

She called and asked if we could meet for lunch.  something I never take.  I said sure, 1 o clock at this place. Maybe to talk about divorce, maybe just lunch, I did not know. it did not matter...

Then about 20 minutes ago, she calls.  She says "i dont want to wait until 1... how about noon, and I dont like Panera Bread"  I just said it cause i didnt plan on eating but its open and easy to talk in.  So i agreed on noon and another time.  she asked "is noon a problem, is everyone else taking off for lunch"  I let her know because she knows that that does happen but I will still meet her.  he response "well you can take one ing lunch with me over 3 years and they can ing deal with it".  I never disagreed to begin with

She then asks "where is your ing mother at, did you ask her about lunch"  I have no clue, maybe working at home on some tax stuff, maybe meeting an inspector.  I know if i said at home it would piss her off.  i said "yea i texted her but no response.  i think she is meeting with an inspector". wrong answer "your a ing liar she is at home doing nothing while you work and get paid "  yup, she is stalking my mother now.  Why does it even matter i do not know.

I finally explain that she is not being rational and that I am not trying to argue and that it does feel like our lives are ruined right now, but I didnt want to say I blamed her so I said, its my fault because I knew she informed me of issues before we started dating so I said i knew what I was getting into.  She took that as "o, so you regret marrying me"

She is literally studying ways she can possibly get me in trouble because she talked about how she cannot do such and such cause it will get her in trouble too.  I am scared of her.

I am ed.  I regret letting loose and getting angry myself.  She acts like when i told her she needs to look at what she has done and stand on her own two feet, and stop blaming me for the problems in her life.  I cannot stop everyone from hurting her or completely protect her.  I did say " off" once and maybe one other curse word, but she says those to me repeatedly.  I apologized and said it was wrong right after but i just feel sick and lost

I keep wanting to still work things out, but she seems conflicted.  I did tell her after she demanded me letting her have everything and supporting her that she was just bleeding me dry and after she said "i have nothing and no way to support myself and life is over"... she kept saying that and nothing else and that she wanted me to completely support her still that it made me feel like she was only with me for the money.

Now i have cursed at her and said I regret marrying her, I think she is a moneygrubbing whore... this is all that she got from it all.  Whatever she has said doesnt matter.  Its everything I have done.  

Why cannot I not let go?  Why cannot I am not so responsible for all of this?  Why can I not just get angry and want away from her?  She says she doesnt love me anymore even... .

I gain nothing from this relationship but pain.  It is bad for me financially, emotionally, physically, in every way, but for those brief moments of her love... I cannot let go.  I feel as those I ruined her life and now I am going to ruin everyones life cause she is going to crucify me.  I am reflecting now on all I have given up and done.  I sacrificed all I am and I have for her.  I have nothing now... I do not know how to even get off the mat and build a future from this and even more so, I do not want to...

she just said she doesnt think she is ruining my job and its in my head.  I asked her how it would be if she had a job and I called 4 times at elast a day and exchanged about 40 texts at work talking for 20 minutes in an argument.  I explained that I am hurting too and that I am guessing she just is venting and needs somebody to talk to.  That I am talking on a support group board.  That she needs somebody to talk to be it her doctor or a friend even if it is just to say how horrible i am.  That being alone for either of us without expressing will consume us.    She responded "i dont want to be that person you just described, I will just let you go"

I just want to wait and hope she calms down and says she loves me again... .

[guitarguy09]

Again, very sorry to hear about all of this happening. It sounds as if you have some serious codependency issues. You don't allow yourself to be happy until your wife is happy (who seems incapable of being so basically). It seems like she behaves the way she does because she feels she can twist you around every which way and have you do what she wants regardless of how she treats you. And of course because of BPD.

[hurthusband]

Again, very sorry to hear about all of this happening. It sounds as if you have some serious codependency issues. You don't allow yourself to be happy until your wife is happy (who seems incapable of being so basically). It seems like she behaves the way she does because she feels she can twist you around every which way and have you do what she wants regardless of how she treats you. And of course because of BPD.

no doubt I have some serious codependency issues.  I wish I knew what BPD and she was diagnosed earlier so could stop this road before it had been traversed this far.  Maybe impliment steps for her and myself long ago it wouldnt get to this point and maybe save things

[guitarguy09]

no doubt I have some serious codependency issues.  I wish I knew what BPD and she was diagnosed earlier so could stop this road before it had been traversed this far.  Maybe impliment steps for her and myself long ago it wouldnt get to this point and maybe save things

I hear you there. As a movie said that I was watching the other night, "you can't go back." Unfortunately we have to try to make the best of a bad (or horrible) situation and move forward. Without violence or suicide though.

[hurthusband]

its literally not living day to day but hour to hour.

seems like days take forever while at same time instantly gone.  Time seems warped and senses numb

I spent past 5 months in constant fear with extreme adrenaline worrying about setting her off.  Now its impossible to escape.  I literally have no adrenaline.  No focus... just sadness and numbness

Something is wrong with me... I should be more angry, I should want to fight back more.  I should want to be over with this and be more ruthless.  I should want my life back.  I know if I do go back the fear of when it will next happen will sink in.

Its like being a ship at sea without a rudder nor sails... you just accept everything is over.  You stop fighting... you think about jumping in and drowning but you cant do it, so you just sit there in the sun baking waiting for death

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  :)UDE!

Part of being a good person, IS BEING HAPPY!  

Part of being a good person is making sure your wife doesnt destroy you and your childrens lives!

Part of being a good person is taking care of your own mental state!

Part of being a good person is making sure you're there for your kids!

Brother, Im sorry youre going through this,  I guess no matter how bad some of us on here feel, we can always find someone having it worse... .

From what you've said, it sounds like its not a very stable or nurturing atmosphere in your household for your kids and It sounds as if, at some point something is gonna give, right?  You seem to be doing way more than your share with no help on her end and no end in sight... . I dont remember if you said whether or not she was getting help, but if not, she sure sounds like she needs some.

You sound like youre seriously co-dependent, I can recognize it because I am co-dependent as well.  I can remember walking on egg shells, I remember waking up everyday wondering what kind of mood she would be in, I remember the talks she would have about her wanting to kill herself (she had it planned out in detail) and how it would absolutely crush my heart and I remember her leaving me time and time again.

For your sake and the future of your children, you need to get away from this woman, for a while at least... .

those kids are gonna grow up and have issues and youre already to the point of suicidal thoughts,... . dude!

There was a point in time where I thought the worst thing my BPDexgf ever did to me was to finally just walk out the door and never even say goodbye to me... .  But maybe it was the best thing she could have ever done for me, maybe it was the only thing she had left to give me... .

Please think about yourself and those children, now more than ever, theyre depending on you and if youre not there, do you really think they will be better off with your wife?

 

[hurthusband]

hard part is if I leave her, they wont have me neither.  It is almost sometimes like I have to stay in order to protect them.

Here is the really weird part... after 3 days of this... suddenly

"I do not want to fight anymore"

I respond "i dont want to neither"

she responds "then lets just let all of this go ok? i am sorry"

... . what is that all about... .

I told her, the past two days have been hell...   yea divorce is a long road that takes months of recovery and this is just two days.  I do not, and I am sure you do not, want to have to start over just two weeks from now.  Those two days of hell even if just the start are not worth it.  I do not want to get back together just for sake of kids cause them watching us miserable isnt healthy neither.  I know I have codependent issues and I am reading on how to be better on that and better with dealing with BPD.  I want us to work, but I do not know if its possible or not.  I know either route is a long VERY hard road.

Part of me is like... ok we have a shot and lets work on this more

Part of me is like... ok we work on this but we have a real escape plan for when it happens next and we get info and means to defend ourselves for this

Part of me is like... 2 days down of months of torment, its inevitable anyways at least two days are done

Part of me is like... Get her stable with a job so that she is secure then at first trouble bolt

I just had a door opened with tons of options and in a way its like giving a drunk a bottle of Patron.  It could be a safe good time that works out or you could end up with a DWI... .

I mean I at least feel not feel like I am some Jewish Russian soldier under seige in Stalingrad by Nazis that want me dead and tortured.  I can function again at work, and get something done to keep my job, but what if I let me guard down and them bam... . bullet to head

[momtara]

My husband's rages would last for three days.  Then they'd be over just like that.  Then we'd have calm for three weeks.  Then a rage would return.  I guess something would trigger him, abandonment or whatever.

Sounds like your wife's latest rage had little to do with you - she just wanted to be angry, wanted to find ways to make you the cause of it, and when you did nothing wrong, it frustrated her even more.  Then it was over.

The way to stay out of it is to keep your mouth shut and give as little info as possible, but it's just IMPOSSIBLE to not get in a person's way, to be tiptoeing all the time.  You end up boxing yourself into a corner, not being able to breathe.  That's no way to live.

During one of my husband's rages, every word that came out of my mouth, he said was a lie.  Like a fool, I'd try to defend myself and get into deeper trouble.

Try not to box yourself in.  It's a shame you have to tiptoe so much.  Just try to remember that one way or another, this won't last forever - either you will solve it with her, or leave, but you can't go on in this kind of pain, worrying about every move you make.

[GreenMango]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg517770#msg517770

HH above is the link to the staying board lessons.  There are communication tools and videos in there geared to help stop the conflict cycle.

Have you read them?  SET, JADE are in there take a look.

The conflict cycle has you really tuned up with anxiety.   It had me like that too.  That last conversation about lunch had alot of JADE in it and that makes things worse.

Sometimes having a plan or a small step can help not feel so helpless.

[hurthusband]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg517770#msg517770

HH above is the link to the staying board lessons.  There are communication tools and videos in there geared to help stop the conflict cycle.

Have you read them?  SET, JADE are in there take a look.

The conflict cycle has you really tuned up with anxiety.   It had me like that too.  That last conversation about lunch had alot of JADE in it and that makes things worse.

Sometimes having a plan or a small step can help not feel so helpless.

yea i read on those.  The problem with my wife is her BPD cycles are literally 2 days good and 3 days bad.  Sunday will always trigger and things will stay bad until wednesday or maybe thursday then ok for 2 days... then neutral one day then start over.  Its just the frequency is so frequent and takes up so much time .  I dread Sundays

[GreenMango]

The cycling really doesnt matter except for diagnosis and treatmentn if that ever becomes an option. 

With the tools, not Jade-ing and set, you may find yourself having to use them multiple times a day right now.  And starting to set boundaries.   One at time.

One of the priorities it sounds like you may need to practice is to not engage when she gets abusive.  It reinforces the bad behavior. 

What have you read about the disorder and the typical behavior?

[hurthusband]

The cycling really doesnt matter except for diagnosis and treatmentn if that ever becomes an option. 

With the tools, not Jade-ing and set, you may find yourself having to use them multiple times a day right now.  And starting to set boundaries.   One at time.

One of the priorities it sounds like you may need to practice is to not engage when she gets abusive.  It reinforces the bad behavior. 

What have you read about the disorder and the typical behavior?

Well, that they do not know for sure but they suspect it has its roots being both genetic and learned in childhood.  That it has alot to do with parents invalidating and their feelings so that they are basically stunted in their growth emotionally.  It is similiar to bipolar in some ways but the cycling is more frequent and not brain chemical as much thus drugs not really effective.

Rage, impulse control, poor relationships, drug abuse, suicide all common. 

Fear of losing somebody is intense. 

You gotta be sure and validate their emotions and empathize with them.  They will gaslight ya if not careful.  Boundaries are important.  I know to not argue, but on occassion it just becomes too hard.

Instead of processing emotions properly in case of my wife, she takes everything and instead of feeling sad, she does not process it correctly and it comes out as rage.

Somestimes BPD become psychotic for periods, thus the name.

Normally, in a fight, i try to validate and keep calm which I normally do and why she accuses me of not caring.  After validating and saying i understand how she feels and explain its cause of such and such happening... I mean I use SET, but alot of times SET goes like this for me

1. I ask what I can do to help.  her response is usually "get away from me" or "nothing, you are the problem"

2. When I try and act empathetic, "i am sure you are feel bad after all that work today and people are unthankful".  Her response "you have no clue what feeling bad is.  You have life easy and on a silver plate"

3. Judgement... o this is the worst... if i say "well why dont we get you something to eat cause you havent eaten in past 2 days" or "i am sure you are tired cause you havent gotten much sleep"  or "I know for me somtimes excercise helps me relax".  Usually two responses "you think you are a doctor or something, shut the hit up" or "i know that, I am not retarded"

JADE I do have problems with.  I have a hard time when she says something like "you ruined my life by doing such and such".  I want her to understand the rationale I thought by it, but I know she wont.  I keep falling into it.  Past couple of days when she started using kids against me and then threatening to harm people around me, I just said stuff back.  I try not to cry or be upset or anything, but that sometimes happens just cause it hurts badly

[momtara]

Here's a hug to get through Sunday:  ((hug))

[GreenMango]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

Heres the link to the learning center board on BPD and BPD behavior... . once you get a handke on the overall disorder learning about how it can manifest in different behaviors like splitting, hostility, extinction bursts, etc can help to not feel so caught off guard by it.

There is an order to the disorder- as crazy as that seems.

Have you checked out the workshop on boundaries?

One thing is for sure if the situation has hit critical mass and the person is in melt down mode, getting abusive, saying abusive things, irrationally blaming - basically not hearing anything but the overload of their own intense emotions its not the best time to try and validate or SET.  Until you are practiced at validation you can inadvertently validate the abuse or inappropriate behavior...   These tools are better when things are building up as a salve.  Taking yourself out of an abusive situation is better and revisiting it when you can have a calm conversation will give better results. 

Can you start a thread on one of her reactions above on the staying board and ask how to handle it?  The seasoned stayers have some good perspective.

[hurthusband]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

Heres the link to the learning center board on BPD and BPD behavior... . once you get a handke on the overall disorder learning about how it can manifest in different behaviors like splitting, hostility, extinction bursts, etc can help to not feel so caught off guard by it.

There is an order to the disorder- as crazy as that seems.

Have you checked out the workshop on boundaries?

One thing is for sure if the situation has hit critical mass and the person is in melt down mode, getting abusive, saying abusive things, irrationally blaming - basically not hearing anything but the overload of their own intense emotions its not the best time to try and validate or SET.  Until you are practiced at validation you can inadvertently validate the abuse or inappropriate behavior...   These tools are better when things are building up as a salve.  Taking yourself out of an abusive situation is better and revisiting it when you can have a calm conversation will give better results. 

Can you start a thread on one of her reactions above on the staying board and ask how to handle it?  The seasoned stayers have some good perspective.

that is a good point... maybe I am validating some of her behaviors when I am simply meaning to validate her.  She wanted me to come home tonight.  I said no, that probably better to ease into it.  I gotta say, I miss the bed, food, kids, her even...

She always says I treat her like  a child.  I am trying to treat her like an adult, but I guess I kind of have to.  Have to stay away so she learns penalties for actions I suppose.  I dunno.  I have to check out that learning board.  Easier when things at least calm down.  The stuff here is really good even if your SO is not BPD.  just good stuff to communicate with people

[GreenMango]

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=post;quote=553220;topic=59097.0;sesc=88cbaf375042b4e658ed91918963afad

Hang in there HH.  Many of us didnt walk into this with great skills.  Its a process.  Be kind tp yourself too.

And these skills work great with regular folk too! Try it at work and watch its pretty amazing.

And definitely check out any of the Boundaries books by Cloud amd Townsend.  They help to give some traction when you are trying out these tools.

[maxen]

And these skills work great with regular folk too! Try it at work and watch its pretty amazing.

this is a very good point. i'm a schoolteacher and using these skills with parents works a treat.

[hurthusband]

And these skills work great with regular folk too! Try it at work and watch its pretty amazing.

this is a very good point. i'm a schoolteacher and using these skills with parents works a treat.

Yea a teacher made mistake of calling my SO about her son and had misinformation in an accusation that was innocent enough, but they got a thrashing from wife.  I called back and apologized... tried to smooth things

[Surnia]

Hi hurthusband

How are you doing today, my friend?

[hurthusband]

Well... past few days are awkward

Wednesday the wife calmed down and asked me to come home.  I said should stay away another day to let things calm more and see how things are.

Well next day, Thursday, we get a call from school where my stepson was found cutting himself with some other kids.  He said he was upset and scared we were getting a divorce which just complicates things so much more.

Went home and everyone got along and worked on things.  Friday night was Valentine's day and had a nice time with wife things went smoothly.

Saturday, everything was fine until dinner.  We were going to go out since son was going to stay at grandparents, and was seeing what had spaces to eat at since day after VDay can be rough.  The place we both like showed online reservations every 15 min all night long so just planned on that.

The day was really stressful for my at work, and when wife called to see how I was I let her know I was really feeling overwhelmed and down over it all, but that it was not her fault and I thanked her for being supportive.  Unfortunately, when I got home she was in a bad mood because I was down earlier.  My mood was better now that I was home, but she was down.  We went to eat and when we got there, they said their reservation system was not working right and they didnt have anything for 2 hours and it was 9 o clock already

Wife was PISSED... things went pretty badly from there.  She blasted me and brought up all sorts of stuff.  I never raised voice, I just apologized, and said there was nothing I could do.  I did not argue, I explained I understood she was upset about alot of things.  I then just avoided her and went to bed in another room.  The next morning, she was depressed over it but apologized saying she overreacted, and it turned out being a pretty good day.

So, its Monday, see what it holds.  Feeling ok now.  Bit worried, if things do go south, what to do now that son is hurting himself over stress of worrying about me moving out... .

therapy all around... yay