I recycled myself - Things didn't change for me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was quite active on these boards this summer as StayOrLeave15.  My last posts are from early September where I was celebrating 3 weeks strong of NC from my 8-month long BPD relationship.  The day after my last post I proceeded to go out partying with my friends, had too much to drink, and called my BPDxgf.  Initiate the recycle... .

The first couple weeks back together felt like a dream.  She told me that she realized she had a problem and that she had focused on all the wrong things in our relationship: obsessing over other girls that seemed like threats, trying to control me, needing to know where I was and what I was doing at every moment.  All this changed and it truly felt like a brand new relationship and a different person.  I could mention another female's name without a blowup.  I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.  Her texts and calls were calm and rational rather than obsessive and nonstop as they used to be ("Where are you?" "You don't love me" "I'm in pain because I love you too much".  We were like two normal people without the negatives of her disorder but with the positives of her intense passion.  

But I should have known better.  My therapist told me she wasn't changed.  She hadn't gone through treatment.  She was still a mentally ill person.  And the first few days I had a knot in my stomach because I knew I was going down a bad road.  But as things continued to go well between us that knot went away and I felt truly happy.  She was a source of stability in my life rather than a source of chaos and pain.  

Then the old habits started coming back.  Her need to be in contact nonstop.  :)emands and controlling behavior - telling me what I can and can't do and using my emotions and her rage and/or silent treatments to enforce what she wanted.  The anger at the mention of any other female and the obsession over past relationships of mine.  The rational conversations we had about what needed to change in our relationship went out the window and she pushed the exact buttons that she knew would drive me crazy.  And so I felt stuck again, just like I did all summer.  The only problem was, our relationship was in secret this time, as my friends and family would never approve of me being back with her.  

A few days ago there was a huge fight and I am certain we are done for good.  Of course I am sad, but I feel liberated.  I don't feel as sad as I thought I would.  Maybe it will get worse.  My therapist said I was doing so many things to improve my life, but that by going back to and staying with her I was just sabotaging myself and staying stuck.  He said there is no way to make change and progress in life if she is not getting the serious treatment she needs but understood why it is so difficult to leave.  

I wrote on here so many times "I'll never go back" and "X days no contact", etc.  But I did.  To feed my addiction.  I'm like the alcoholic who says "I'll just have one drink" or the drug addict that says "Just one more hit... "

Telling myself (and a very few select friends) that she had changed pure delusion.  I don't love her; I love the idea of her, which is the person she is when BPD doesn't run her (and my) life.  But that isn't who she is.  She is a person with a disorder and I must accept that.  I am only lying to myself if I think she can be any different without treatment.  The logical side of me completely understands that.  But the emotional side of me still longs for this beautiful, passionate, loving girl that she can be, and make me feel better than anyone else in the world.  I need the logical side to stay strong and remind myself that the highs aren't worth the lows, and that I need to move on with my life.  

[StayOrLeave15]

I was quite active on these boards this summer as StayOrLeave15.  My last posts are from early September where I was celebrating 3 weeks strong of NC from my 8-month long BPD relationship.  The day after my last post I proceeded to go out partying with my friends, had too much to drink, and called my BPDxgf.  Initiate the recycle... .

The first couple weeks back together felt like a dream.  She told me that she realized she had a problem and that she had focused on all the wrong things in our relationship: obsessing over other girls that seemed like threats, trying to control me, needing to know where I was and what I was doing at every moment.  All this changed and it truly felt like a brand new relationship and a different person.  I could mention another female's name without a blowup.  I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells.  Her texts and calls were calm and rational rather than obsessive and nonstop as they used to be ("Where are you?" "You don't love me" "I'm in pain because I love you too much".  We were like two normal people without the negatives of her disorder but with the positives of her intense passion.  

But I should have known better.  My therapist told me she wasn't changed.  She hadn't gone through treatment.  She was still a mentally ill person.  And the first few days I had a knot in my stomach because I knew I was going down a bad road.  But as things continued to go well between us that knot went away and I felt truly happy.  She was a source of stability in my life rather than a source of chaos and pain.  

Then the old habits started coming back.  Her need to be in contact nonstop.  :)emands and controlling behavior - telling me what I can and can't do and using my emotions and her rage and/or silent treatments to enforce what she wanted.  The anger at the mention of any other female and the obsession over past relationships of mine.  The rational conversations we had about what needed to change in our relationship went out the window and she pushed the exact buttons that she knew would drive me crazy.  And so I felt stuck again, just like I did all summer.  The only problem was, our relationship was in secret this time, as my friends and family would never approve of me being back with her.  

A few days ago there was a huge fight and I am certain we are done for good.  Of course I am sad, but I feel liberated.  I don't feel as sad as I thought I would.  Maybe it will get worse.  My therapist said I was doing so many things to improve my life, but that by going back to and staying with her I was just sabotaging myself and staying stuck.  He said there is no way to make change and progress in life if she is not getting the serious treatment she needs but understood why it is so difficult to leave.  

I wrote on here so many times "I'll never go back" and "X days no contact", etc.  But I did.  To feed my addiction.  I'm like the alcoholic who says "I'll just have one drink" or the drug addict that says "Just one more hit... "

Telling myself (and a very few select friends) that she had changed pure delusion.  I don't love her; I love the idea of her, which is the person she is when BPD doesn't run her (and my) life.  But that isn't who she is.  She is a person with a disorder and I must accept that.  I am only lying to myself if I think she can be any different without treatment.  The logical side of me completely understands that.  But the emotional side of me still longs for this beautiful, passionate, loving girl that she can be, and make me feel better than anyone else in the world.  I need the logical side to stay strong and remind myself that the highs aren't worth the lows, and that I need to move on with my life.  

[StayOrLeave15]

Wow, I just read the"Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality" article and it describes what is going on in my life to the letter.  I've read the article before but for some reason it really, really resonated tonight. 

This site and discussion board is invaluable. 

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hang in there bud - so much easier said than done though! I'm about 8 weeks out of my second break-up with my ex and I'm still going through a weird phase where my mind keeps asking myself if things were really that bad.

I've recycled myself before with my ex... .after our first break-up I had gone a few weeks NC and then I got a late night message from her asking me to come visit. At the time I had been agonising over her and craving her so badly that I didn't even hesitate. Suffice to say that immediately after we had spent the night together, I felt all the burden and anxiety of the past fall back onto me again... .it was a horrible feeling that I don't want to ever go through again.

In this last break-up, she sent me an email saying that she was actively addressing her abusive behaviour - but in the same email projected so much stuff onto me and blamed me for abusive behaviour and emotionally battering her. This was just a    that nothing is really going to change... .nothing until she acknowledges what she really suffers from and makes the change from inside. I've heard many promises from her before.

People who haven't been in these kinds of relationships don't understand the bonds that these BPDs can establish. 8 weeks out and I still think of her daily, I still crave the woman I absolutely fell in love with. Nobody has ever made me feel that special in my life. But as you say, its a fantasy... .its not a real reflection of who she really was or is.

My advice is just keep posting, keep writing... .these feelings won't just go away and you will have good days and really s**t days; I recently just had 2 days where I obsessed over her in my mind and I so badly craved her good side, but I just felt it out and acknowledged that that is how I feel right now, and that its OK. Best of luck, I firmly believe good things await around the corner for those of us who make the right decisions.

[clydegriffith]

I feel your pain. I went through a rollercoaster of leaving her and going back, through her pretending she realized she had a problem and that she's going to change, through all that. It finally took something drastic happening for me to completley break away.

[Pingo]

A few days ago there was a huge fight and I am certain we are done for good.  Of course I am sad, but I feel liberated.  I don't feel as sad as I thought I would.  Maybe it will get worse. 

Perhaps you needed to do this recycle to be sure in your own mind.  I did the same thing.  Broke up with my husband last February and I was so sure that was it.  He moved 2000 miles away!  Then we started talking by phone and next thing I knew he was back and living in my house again!  It didn't take long for the same old patterns to repeat and after two months I ended again, this time being much more certain.  It was humiliating in many ways but I have a lot of compassion for myself now.  I did go through deep overwhelming grief the second time.  It took a few weeks to kick in.  If it does, just ride it out.  If you don't fight it you'll get through it.  I am over 4 mths out now and although I still have melancholy days (having one today actually) where I miss him, I have worked hard to heal.  There is light at the end of the tunnel now.

[StayOrLeave15]

People who haven't been in these kinds of relationships don't understand the bonds that these BPDs can establish. 8 weeks out and I still think of her daily, I still crave the woman I absolutely fell in love with. Nobody has ever made me feel that special in my life. But as you say, its a fantasy... .its not a real reflection of who she really was or is.

So true.  It is chasing a fantasy that doesn't really exist.  Completely irrational on my part but the emotional pull is undeniable. 

I have the knot back in my stomach and my entire body feels weak with the sadness.  Yesterday in my first post back I said I was feeling okay but the sense of loss is really sinking in.  I *KNOW* that I am better off without her, and that all we do is cause each other pain in our dysfunctional relationship, but that doesn't take away the sadness.  I've been here before and now I am back and I am trying so hard to keep my head up and not act out in self-destructive ways. 

Perhaps you needed to do this recycle to be sure in your own mind.  I did the same thing.  Broke up with my husband last February and I was so sure that was it.  He moved 2000 miles away!  Then we started talking by phone and next thing I knew he was back and living in my house again!  It didn't take long for the same old patterns to repeat and after two months I ended again, this time being much more certain.  It was humiliating in many ways but I have a lot of compassion for myself now.  I did go through deep overwhelming grief the second time.  It took a few weeks to kick in.  If it does, just ride it out.  If you don't fight it you'll get through it.  I am over 4 mths out now and although I still have melancholy days (having one today actually) where I miss him, I have worked hard to heal.  There is light at the end of the tunnel now.

This is a very good point, Pingo.  It may have been necessary to see the fact that she hasn't/won't change by going through this pain.  After the first breakup (really the 20th because she would break up with me every week but the first serious one) I was on here venting, counting the days of NC, and trying to move on with my life.  But in reality I was acting out in so many self-destructive ways.  Surrounding myself with people who are not positive influences in order to not be alone, bordering on substance abuse with too much alcohol, and going out with the intention of trying to meet random girls to try and validate myself in some way to feel better.  I know these behaviors say a lot about me, but I have never reacted to a breakup/loss in any way resembling this.  I'm trying not to do these things the second time around.  One of the hardest parts is that this recycle was hidden from a lot of my friends and all of my family members because they knew about her insane behavior.  This makes it that much harder because I feel unable to turn to them to tell them about my pain right now.  However, the best thing to do may be to "come clean" with them and let them know I went back, as disappointed as that may make them in me. 

I know I come on these boards and write the same things over and over, but it seems to really be part of the healing process.  I really appreciate all the words of support I've received on here and am trying hard to move on with my life in a healthy way.

[GoodThingsToCome]

Let me just say that getting your feelings and thoughts out there is very healthy... .don't worry about how many times you write on these boards, and hell, go and contribute to as many questions of others as you can... .trust me, it is all part of a healing process and enables you to get stuff off your chest.

I went through a very similar thing with family and friends when I recycled. I had so much shame, didn't know who to turn to, and had a sickly feeling in my stomach the entire time. For me it was slightly different in the sense that I was living in my sisters back room at the time (I had to move out of my apartment with my ex as staying there was toxic)... .so when I recycled my sister knew what I was doing; I remember the night I went back, and my sister talking to me about my decision and just asking me to really question whether it was right for me. She did this out of love, but the sad thing is that I had already made up my mind and knew I was going back.

What I've come to learn is that family and friends that really care about you won't judge you, they won't tell you what to do or put shame on you; yes, they may offer advice and they may question certain things, but they will understand that it is a process that only you can go through and ultimately decide for yourself. I'm forever grateful for the family and friends who understood the path I took and have been there for me throughout.

All I can say is that you have enough going on in terms of dealing with your ex and your own feelings... .don't beat yourself up even more about what family and friends think. Rely on them, allow them to offer you support and heal. I'm still going through this phase at this very moment... .there are still many days where I need to go see friends or just pick up the phone to someone to talk. You seem to have made the healthy choice, so just keep looking forward and moving forward

[btbh]

Dont worry to much dude. We have all been there and wishing we didnt once it all turns to ___ again. Ive just began a NC phase again with the ex after a 3 month recycle. Was great while it lasted till the lies and manipulation all began again. We all mostly still have feelings for our ex so is hard resisting the recycle when they re engage and say the things we want to hear. Just remember it never lasts and they are just inbetween replacements and taking advantage of your feelings for them.

Going NC is a personal choice, it depends what stage you are at emotionally in my opinion. If you can keep with some/minimal contact and still hold on to your boundaries and no regress go ahead. The boards are always here to give support when you have a lapse of judgement of moment of weakness. Just remind yourself you could do it once so you can do it again!

[StayOrLeave15]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your kind words and support. 

In my situation there really is no choice but NC.  I know myself too well and I know that if I am even in limited contact with her I will slip up in a moment of weakness.  She simply has to be cut out of my life.  I just took some time and went back through our texts over the past few weeks.  There are some really sweet and loving ones in there but the number of absolutely horrible ones is a good reinforcement of why I must stay out of touch with her.  When she gets upset, she'll hang up on me and only communicate through text.  She'll decide if and when she responds.  It is an immature, childish controlling technique and hours upon hours of my life have been wasted going back and forth with her.  Thus, I stay "stuck" in life. 

My question right now is whether to block her from texting/calling me.  We both have iPhones, and the way it works when you block someone is that the messages still show up as blue on their phone and it says ":)elivered" but you never receive the message and they don't know you've blocked them.  I have the discipline to not respond to her and my only reason to not block her is to more or less "monitor" any threats she might make.  In the past she's made threats regarding the police, making up things about me to friends or clients, etc.  I'm not sure how I would react to such a threat, but knowing about it may be better than never seeing it and she believing that I may have seen the message. 

Please let me know if anyone has experiences with the above, especially the way blocking works with iPhones and iMessage.  I know that when you block people on apps like Whatsapp they see that the texts were never delivered and probably get the message they've been blocked.

Overall, though, I am feeling better today.  Rather than acting out as I did in the past, I've been putting my energy into doing positive things to take care of myself.  Going to the gym, preparing healthy food, staying on top of everything at work and making sure I am engaged there as a distraction.  I hope I can keep feeding off of this positivity and start the new chapter in my life without my BPDxgf.   Trying to get out of the FOG... .

[btbh]

Yeah same like all borderlines, giving you the silent treatment once the arguing starts. About the blocking for iMessage and Whatsapp. I didnt bother doing that, just deleted their number so I wont drunk message them in a moment of weakness or rage. I rather them know I read their message and didnt reply. I feel more satisfied knowing they are aware Im not affected by it and ignoring their feeble attempts to re engage.

Anyway yes you should focus on yourself! Ive started a new workout regime to get myself ripped and in shape. So if the next time I see my BPDexgf, she would see an even better version of me but sadly for her, she can get none of me heh

[almostmarried]

Well... .how should things change when YOU don´t change... .? 

[StayOrLeave15]

Yeah same like all borderlines, giving you the silent treatment once the arguing starts. About the blocking for iMessage and Whatsapp. I didnt bother doing that, just deleted their number so I wont drunk message them in a moment of weakness or rage. I rather them know I read their message and didnt reply. I feel more satisfied knowing they are aware Im not affected by it and ignoring their feeble attempts to re engage.

Btbh - I hear you on this point.  Unfortunately I've had her number memorized since the first month we were dating so deleting it doesn't matter one way or the other about deleting it.  It's been 4 days of not hearing from her - during our other major breakup it was a week before she reengaged me.  I feel like this time may be different but I have to be strong.  The nice part is that I don't really feel the urge to contact her.  I have this strange sense of liberation and that I can get on with my life.  Sure, there are moments of sadness, but somehow this time feels *DIFFERENT*.  As Pingo said earlier, maybe this recycle was necessary in order to see clearly that this "relationship" cannot be a part of my life.  After the last breakup I was engaging in a lot of self-destructive behavior and waking up with a knot/sickness in my stomach every morning.  These days I feel okay.  

Well... .how should things change when YOU don´t change... .?  

Very valid point, but I feel like I have made a great effort to change over the course of my interactions with this woman.  I have read books, talked to my therapist, spent countless (32 hours logged in and several more not logged in and just reading) here on bpdfamily, and thus have done my best to change my behavior in a way to make this relationship work.  I have tried to validate, keep my cool, recognize when she is dysregulated and not engage her further.  I have learned so many life lessons from this relationship, which I know will affect me in future relationships moving forward.  I met another girl who began exhibiting a lot of the similar behaviors (read:   ) to my BPDexgf.  I cut off talking to her immediately.  Now, does this mean that I may read some girls incorrectly and write them off as pwBPD when they are in fact healthy and stable? Sure.  Call me a bit jaded.  But I cannot go through the hell of a relationship with a pwBPD again.

My only worry is that the highs of being someone else will not match those I experienced with my BPDexgf, but perhaps accepting that is part of the balance and stability that comes in a healthy relationship is important moving forward, rather than chasing the "high" that the "drug" of a BPD "relationship" gives you.  

[btbh]

Yeah I too remember her number by heart but deleting it makes it ‘less convenient’ too message or call her. They will definitely re engage. Mine did on Saturday cause she heard from her friend who im close too that my pet rabbit died. Replied with a courteous ‘Thanks, and shes in a better place with less suffering” message 8 hours later. She replied and I did not respond. Feels good to get back some control in life.

Continue focusing on yourself and keep yourself busy. Before you know it you will be a stronger, better and healthier person!

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey StayOrLeave15,

Your last post actually hit quite a few notes with me. I'm 8 weeks out of a break-up with a couple of weeks NC and feeling better as days go by. With the last break-up, I had that same feeling... .I thought to myself that something was different and that this time could be it; I think the important thing is that that feeling has to come from within you... .irrespective of what your ex ends up doing. It has to be a breaking point where you say enough is enough.

After my last break-up, my ex wanted to meet and chat about things 2 days after the break-up... .a previous version of me would've gone over to talk, but this time around I had reached the breaking point. I refused to go and the rest is history... .I'm on my road to recovery.

Regarding the highs you speak of, trust me I have the exact same fear. During the good times, the intimacy and sex with this woman was incredible... .but if I think really hard I also find that as the relationship declined and things became more unpleasant, that intimacy and intensity became tarnished. How do you think those highs and intensities would be after another 1, 2 or 5 years? My rationale now is that a lasting relationship requires more than just the occasional highs or amazing sex; it requires trust, compassion, a soft place to fall back onto when you have bad days... .and most of all unconditional love. I believe that when I meet the right person, those special moments will mean even more because I will know the true character of the person I'm spending them with.

Hang in there bud. You yourself need to make that decision if this time is going to be the time it finally ends, not her.

[StayOrLeave15]

Regarding the highs you speak of, trust me I have the exact same fear. During the good times, the intimacy and sex with this woman was incredible... .but if I think really hard I also find that as the relationship declined and things became more unpleasant, that intimacy and intensity became tarnished. How do you think those highs and intensities would be after another 1, 2 or 5 years? My rationale now is that a lasting relationship requires more than just the occasional highs or amazing sex; it requires trust, compassion, a soft place to fall back onto when you have bad days... .and most of all unconditional love. I believe that when I meet the right person, those special moments will mean even more because I will know the true character of the person I'm spending them with.

So true my friend.  The sex did in fact decline now that I think about it.  She was on birth control but in the back of my head I think I was terrified of getting her pregnant and potentially being tied to her for life.  Also, due to her low self-esteem, she wanted me to do things to her that I felt were degrading and that hurt our sex life.  I've had plenty of good sex in my life and I'll have plenty more.  But you're right GoodThingsToCome, there is more than just sex.  And when you do have that *REAL* connection with a person (not one that seems real - and too good to be true - due to BPD) the sex is that much better.

I had lunch with my ex-girlfriend today. Not my BPDexgf, but the girl I was together with for 5 years before going down the BPD rabbit hole.  I have no intentions of getting trying to get back together with her and nor does she.  We are happy as friends.  But it was so important to see her and remind myself what normal male-female interactions are like.  I also wanted to apologize to her for any contact my BPDexgf may have tried to make with her.  BPDexgf was CONSTANTLY searching and monitoring my stable ex on social media.  The irony is I wouldn't have been in contact with my ex if my BPDexgf hadn't been so obsessed with her.  Really sad what pwBPD do to themselves - make their biggest fears become self-fulfilling prophecies.  BPDexgf had some sort of conspiracy theory in her head that my ex and I were still in love and I was trying to get back together with her.    Couldn't be less true.  I'm not ready to get back out there looking for a relationship.  But today's interaction was very important.  Also went on a date in between breakup and recycle - had a good time but didn't see it going much further - and it was a good reminder of normal male-female interactions.

Yeah I too remember her number by heart but deleting it makes it ‘less convenient’ too message or call her. They will definitely re engage. Mine did on Saturday cause she heard from her friend who im close too that my pet rabbit died. Replied with a courteous ‘Thanks, and shes in a better place with less suffering” message 8 hours later. She replied and I did not respond. Feels good to get back some control in life.

Continue focusing on yourself and keep yourself busy. Before you know it you will be a stronger, better and healthier person!

Will do my man - am doing my best to stay busy, not crawling under a rock.  I know myself and I'm in a place where I simply can't talk to her.  I will get sucked in.  And that is a good point about deleting her name so it's "less convenient".  If she messages me I will get satisfaction over her not being able to reach me.  But hopefully she has painted my black and moved on.  I feel bad for the next guy.  She's very attractive and gets a lot of attention but that's not my problem anymore.  Trying to be strong here.  Thanks all and stay tuned... . 

[guy4caligirl]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your kind words and support. 

In my situation there really is no choice but NC.  I know myself too well and I know that if I am even in limited contact with her I will slip up in a moment of weakness.  She simply has to be cut out of my life.  I just took some time and went back through our texts over the past few weeks.  There are some really sweet and loving ones in there but the number of absolutely horrible ones is a good reinforcement of why I must stay out of touch with her.  When she gets upset, she'll hang up on me and only communicate through text.  She'll decide if and when she responds.  It is an immature, childish controlling technique and hours upon hours of my life have been wasted going back and forth with her.  Thus, I stay "stuck" in life. 

My question right now is whether to block her from texting/calling me.  We both have iPhones, and the way it works when you block someone is that the messages still show up as blue on their phone and it says ":)elivered" but you never receive the message and they don't know you've blocked them.  I have the discipline to not respond to her and my only reason to not block her is to more or less "monitor" any threats she might make.  In the past she's made threats regarding the police, making up things about me to friends or clients, etc.  I'm not sure how I would react to such a threat, but knowing about it may be better than never seeing it and she believing that I may have seen the message. 

Please let me know if anyone has experiences with the above, especially the way blocking works with iPhones and iMessage.  I know that when you block people on apps like Whatsapp they see that the texts were never delivered and probably get the message they've been blocked.

Overall, though, I am feeling better today.  Rather than acting out as I did in the past, I've been putting my energy into doing positive things to take care of myself.  Going to the gym, preparing healthy food, staying on top of everything at work and making sure I am engaged there as a distraction.  I hope I can keep feeding off of this positivity and start the new chapter in my life without my BPDxgf.   Trying to get out of the FOG... .

My ex did me the same exact way excluding the threats.

She decide when to respond she hangs up in my face all she wants is financial help not much if I talk about the rlation she listen and feed of the attention that I still want her back then she gets angry nasty and hang up.

I read the texts back for the last two weeks yes one or two sweet but I knew to dismiss those now I have a little education off this site .

I am in my day six NC I wish the hell she text I am not giving her the pleasure to respond quick she never did ,I just want to make her feel she's not in control any more I really can't wait for this to happen .

As for blocking or Facebook Don't go there don't worry about the blocking thing it's for kids like she is just ignore and do your thing .

Hope that helped .

[StayOrLeave15]

Today is 2 weeks NC for me - have not heard from her.  Last time it was a lot harder (and she was stalking me) but this time the days seem to be passing more quickly.  I've hardly had the urge to try and reach out to her. 

I say to myself, "What I am yearning for is a fantasy.  Yes she is beautiful, and can make me so happy, and feel so great.  But she is also someone who can completely destroy me, tear me apart, and there has simply been too much pain in the time we were together."  In some ways I feel like a shell of myself but in others I am okay sitting with the pain (as my therapist would tell me).  There are many ways in which I have kept myself "stuck" in life, and she is one of them.  She was actually a few years older than me (mid-30's) but she had the emotional development of a teenager.  Part of me liked this (not in a peadophile sort of way, more just eating up the affection and attention) but another part of me knew that it was impossible to have a relationship with this girl. 

I'm doing the best I can to take care of myself.  I've been setting concrete goals and have good things with good people to look forward to.  One day at a time and hopefully soon she will simply be a memory and I'll have met a healthy woman with whom to have a relationship. 

[GoodThingsToCome]

Hey StayOrLeave15,

Once again your story seems very similar to mine. My ex was a couple of years older than me and in her mid-30s as well. There was something intoxicating about this woman... .she seemed all put together on the outside and behaved like a real woman, but deep down had the emotional intelligence of probably a teenager... .which myself and select few others were only really exposed to behind closed doors. Something about this combination lead me to having a really unhealthy infatuation with her; I think as you say, its the extreme attention they can provide (the highs) which we can't seem to shake from our minds.

I've had a bloody rough day today... .although I'm 9 weeks out and thought I was doing really well, something today triggered the hell out of me. I haven't stopped thinking of her... .I won't contact her again as I know its not healthy for me in the long run, but god had I bumped into her today I don't know what I would've happened. It's a drug and I'm trying to rid myself of it... .I sit through the pain as well, sometimes in complete silence... .it helps but she never leaves my mind.

We will get there, in time... .I think a problem for me is that I've forgotten what its like to be in a healthy relationship. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think to myself that maybe I would be happier being in the crazy up-and-down world with her... .but I know that isn't true.

[guy4caligirl]

Hey StayOrLeave15,

Once again your story seems very similar to mine. My ex was a couple of years older than me and in her mid-30s as well. There was something intoxicating about this woman... .she seemed all put together on the outside and behaved like a real woman, but deep down had the emotional intelligence of probably a teenager... .which myself and select few others were only really exposed to behind closed doors. Something about this combination lead me to having a really unhealthy infatuation with her; I think as you say, its the extreme attention they can provide (the highs) which we can't seem to shake from our minds.

I've had a bloody rough day today... .although I'm 9 weeks out and thought I was doing really well, something today triggered the hell out of me. I haven't stopped thinking of her... .I won't contact her again as I know its not healthy for me in the long run, but god had I bumped into her today I don't know what I would've happened. It's a drug and I'm trying to rid myself of it... .I sit through the pain as well, sometimes in complete silence... .it helps but she never leaves my mind.

We will get there, in time... .I think a problem for me is that I've forgotten what its like to be in a healthy relationship. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think to myself that maybe I would be happier being in the crazy up-and-down world with her... .but I know that isn't true.

you are not alone my friend today too I can't stop thinking about her I am in fifth day of NC hoping she will contact me this time I hope it does work for me I am doing it for her to wonder what is he doing he is not bugging  me ?

[StayOrLeave15]

I've had a bloody rough day today... .although I'm 9 weeks out and thought I was doing really well, something today triggered the hell out of me. I haven't stopped thinking of her... .I won't contact her again as I know its not healthy for me in the long run, but god had I bumped into her today I don't know what I would've happened. It's a drug and I'm trying to rid myself of it... .I sit through the pain as well, sometimes in complete silence... .it helps but she never leaves my mind.

We will get there, in time... .I think a problem for me is that I've forgotten what its like to be in a healthy relationship. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think to myself that maybe I would be happier being in the crazy up-and-down world with her... .but I know that isn't true.

GoodThingsToCome - we are definitely on the same page here.  Today was really, really hard.  I found myself thinking about her all day and was texting friends that I missed her a lot.  Now keep in mind, most of these friends think we have been broken up for months rather than two weeks because the last recycle was in secret, so they didn't really see the pain I was in.  I just feel so, so, so alone and I am wondering what she is doing.  Who she is going out with.  Who she is sleeping with.  It drive me insane.  I guess that says something about me.  She was really possessive over me, but the thought of her kissing, having sex with, being held by, etc another guy drives me insane. 

Right now I'm not exactly coping in a healthy way.  I have a six-pack of beer parked in front of the TV.  As I said before, I want to sit with the pain - or at least my therapist tells me to - but sometimes I just have to numb it.  *Intoxicating* really is the word.  And it's not just me.  I've seen guys she went out on one or two dates with continue to pursue her relentlessly.  There is something that is simply irresistible about her and I don't think she even knows it.  She's hot, but she isn't that hot. 

Chances are her and my paths won't cross.  We don't have any mutual friends or social connections.  There is always the chance of running into each other on the street, but with the cold weather coming that becomes less and less.  I tell myself if I see her I will cross the street and not acknowledge her.  But who knows.  She is so far beyond unhealthy for me yet I crave her.  Lately my thoughts have been, "I need a girlfriend."  But what am I doing? Just looking for a rebound/replacement? 

Today I just feel really lost and am having trouble taking steps in the right direction...

[GoodThingsToCome]

I've had a bloody rough day today... .although I'm 9 weeks out and thought I was doing really well, something today triggered the hell out of me. I haven't stopped thinking of her... .I won't contact her again as I know its not healthy for me in the long run, but god had I bumped into her today I don't know what I would've happened. It's a drug and I'm trying to rid myself of it... .I sit through the pain as well, sometimes in complete silence... .it helps but she never leaves my mind.

We will get there, in time... .I think a problem for me is that I've forgotten what its like to be in a healthy relationship. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I think to myself that maybe I would be happier being in the crazy up-and-down world with her... .but I know that isn't true.

GoodThingsToCome - we are definitely on the same page here.  Today was really, really hard.  I found myself thinking about her all day and was texting friends that I missed her a lot.  Now keep in mind, most of these friends think we have been broken up for months rather than two weeks because the last recycle was in secret, so they didn't really see the pain I was in.  I just feel so, so, so alone and I am wondering what she is doing.  Who she is going out with.  Who she is sleeping with.  It drive me insane.  I guess that says something about me.  She was really possessive over me, but the thought of her kissing, having sex with, being held by, etc another guy drives me insane. 

Right now I'm not exactly coping in a healthy way.  I have a six-pack of beer parked in front of the TV.  As I said before, I want to sit with the pain - or at least my therapist tells me to - but sometimes I just have to numb it.  *Intoxicating* really is the word.  And it's not just me.  I've seen guys she went out on one or two dates with continue to pursue her relentlessly.  There is something that is simply irresistible about her and I don't think she even knows it.  She's hot, but she isn't that hot. 

Chances are her and my paths won't cross.  We don't have any mutual friends or social connections.  There is always the chance of running into each other on the street, but with the cold weather coming that becomes less and less.  I tell myself if I see her I will cross the street and not acknowledge her.  But who knows.  She is so far beyond unhealthy for me yet I crave her.  Lately my thoughts have been, "I need a girlfriend."  But what am I doing? Just looking for a rebound/replacement? 

Today I just feel really lost and am having trouble taking steps in the right direction...

Sorry to hear that... .I really am. I know how extremely lonely and empty this can be. I too went through silent recycles... .so nobody else knew my situation - regardless, people who haven't been in these relationships don't understand anyway... .they don't understand the f**ked up dynamic & chemistry between people like us and pwBPD.

I've got a lot of stuff I need to work on of my own. I don't think its really about how hot they are on the outside... .it is more to do with our deep bond with them. I don't think other people saw my ex the same way as I did (ye she was beautiful, but as you say nothing over the top), I think it had to do with my infatuation with her and the attention/highs she gave me. This all stems from my issues though, the emotional void that I had that was being fed in the relationship. It's funny to think that her and I both had issues feeding off each other, the only difference is that mine weren't abusive/hurtful... .I can honestly say I did everything I could for that woman.

I don't know what else to say really... .I just believe time is needed and I really think that is the only thing that is going to heal us. I have also had rash thoughts about finding or being with another woman, but then when I really think about it I know that all I'll do is think about my ex. If I'm honest with myself, she is the only woman I really want right now; that is OK and over time that will change.

Good luck and go easy on yourself.

[StayOrLeave15]

I don't know what else to say really... .I just believe time is needed and I really think that is the only thing that is going to heal us. I have also had rash thoughts about finding or being with another woman, but then when I really think about it I know that all I'll do is think about my ex. If I'm honest with myself, she is the only woman I really want right now; that is OK and over time that will change.

Yup, you really are right.  I think we both want the "her" but it isn't the real "her".  It's the good her, the part that brings the highs, and holding onto the fantasy that it can happen without the lows.  I'm trying to move on from that, but it is so hard.  This is similar to the time before the last recycle for me, but different in others.  In the last NC phase (3 weeks) I was going out and getting wasted to numb the pain a good 4-5 nights/week.  Going to work hungover was brutal, and I felt myself gaining weight and feeling less and less healthy.  I'm not doing that now.  (A six-pack of beer doesn't make me feel hungover in the slightest - another issue I have but it is better than going out on a bender.)  

I really need to work on myself.  This is actually post #100    for me here on BPD family - a bit of a milestone.  I want to sit down and really take a post a personal inventory in L6 - try and do some true reflecting and find out why I got so tied up in this BPD relationship - it takes two to tango, you know?  Even though I've always done very well with females - whether it be just having fun or looking for a serious relationship -  I have a lot of insecurities and put girls up on a pedestal, dive in too fast, come on too strong... .all of the above.  These are things I need to examine to have a healthy relationship in the future, without becoming too jaded and cynical toward all potential partners.

GoodThingsToCome, I know you are relatively new to BPD family (in a sort of sick way it's funny - the date you registered here is the exact date my relationship/recycle fell apart) and I'm not sure if you know that you need 50 posts to read/post the L6 personal inventory board.  I have a lot of perfectionistic traits, which often lead to procrastinating until you feel you can do something perfectly, so I have not yet taken the time to make that post, which I feel is something important that I had to do.  Another note on perfectionism, I deluded myself into thinking if I said *just the right thing* and *explained to her so clearly about how her disorder works* that I could "fix" her.  But deep down I knew better.  I was just in denial.  

I hear you about the deep bond, but the thing we have to ask ourselves is "Was it really?"  Yeah, it felt like a deep bond, out of control chemistry, something we've never felt before.  But isn't that the nature of their disorder?  They make their partners feel this way and then tear them apart.  It's so easy to blame them and be angry, but the fact is they are mentally ill with a severe personality disorder.  That said, taking care of yourself is the most important thing, and I believe NC is the only way to go in that direction.  I pushed her for treatment.  We live in a large city with plenty of facilities, but it never happened.  For the sake of another human being - her - and my next fellow male she is going to torture, I hope she can follow through on starting the treatment she knows she needs.  But she's even said it to me: "What if I like living like this? What if I don't want to change?"  She knows she's not okay.  But the nature of most mental disorders is that they make you want to stay in that state.  I know this story because I've struggled with depression and I know the nature of that beast is it wants to keep you depressed.  So maybe for her ignorance is bliss.  Or the absolute pain she must live with on a daily basis that I cannot even fathom because I am not a pwBPD.  On one hand it's not my problem anymore.  But on the other hand it is, because here I am, scarred from our relationship, albeit a relatively short one, but incredibly painful nonetheless.  

[peiper]

I don't know what else to say really... .I just believe time is needed and I really think that is the only thing that is going to heal us. I have also had rash thoughts about finding or being with another woman, but then when I really think about it I know that all I'll do is think about my ex. If I'm honest with myself, she is the only woman I really want right now; that is OK and over time that will change.

Yup, you really are right.  I think we both want the "her" but it isn't the real "her".  It's the good her, the part that brings the highs, and holding onto the fantasy that it can happen without the lows.  I'm trying to move on from that, but it is so hard.  This is similar to the time before the last recycle for me, but different in others.  In the last NC phase (3 weeks) I was going out and getting wasted to numb the pain a good 4-5 nights/week.  Going to work hungover was brutal, and I felt myself gaining weight and feeling less and less healthy.  I'm not doing that now.  (A six-pack of beer doesn't make me feel hungover in the slightest - another issue I have but it is better than going out on a bender.)  

I really need to work on myself.  This is actually post #100    for me here on BPD family - a bit of a milestone.  I want to sit down and really take a post a personal inventory in L6 - try and do some true reflecting and find out why I got so tied up in this BPD relationship - it takes two to tango, you know?  Even though I've always done very well with females - whether it be just having fun or looking for a serious relationship -  I have a lot of insecurities and put girls up on a pedestal, dive in too fast, come on too strong... .all of the above.  These are things I need to examine to have a healthy relationship in the future, without becoming too jaded and cynical toward all potential partners.

GoodThingsToCome, I know you are relatively new to BPD family (in a sort of sick way it's funny - the date you registered here is the exact date my relationship/recycle fell apart) and I'm not sure if you know that you need 50 posts to read/post the L6 personal inventory board.  I have a lot of perfectionistic traits, which often lead to procrastinating until you feel you can do something perfectly, so I have not yet taken the time to make that post, which I feel is something important that I had to do.  Another note on perfectionism, I deluded myself into thinking if I said *just the right thing* and *explained to her so clearly about how her disorder works* that I could "fix" her.  But deep down I knew better.  I was just in denial.  

I hear you about the deep bond, but the thing we have to ask ourselves is "Was it really?"  Yeah, it felt like a deep bond, out of control chemistry, something we've never felt before.  But isn't that the nature of their disorder?  They make their partners feel this way and then tear them apart.  It's so easy to blame them and be angry, but the fact is they are mentally ill with a severe personality disorder.  That said, taking care of yourself is the most important thing, and I believe NC is the only way to go in that direction.  I pushed her for treatment.  We live in a large city with plenty of facilities, but it never happened.  For the sake of another human being - her - and my next fellow male she is going to torture, I hope she can follow through on starting the treatment she knows she needs.  But she's even said it to me: "What if I like living like this? What if I don't want to change?"  She knows she's not okay.  But the nature of most mental disorders is that they make you want to stay in that state.  I know this story because I've struggled with depression and I know the nature of that beast is it wants to keep you depressed.  So maybe for her ignorance is bliss.  Or the absolute pain she must live with on a daily basis that I cannot even fathom because I am not a pwBPD.  On one hand it's not my problem anymore.  But on the other hand it is, because here I am, scarred from our relationship, albeit a relatively short one, but incredibly painful nonetheless.  

The reality for me is there have been many movie characters played by beautiful actresses that I could have fallen for. But in real life I'd want nothing to do with the real actress. And with a person with BPD its the same, an act, a part.

[StayOrLeave15]

The reality for me is there have been many movie characters played by beautiful actresses that I could have fallen for. But in real life I'd want nothing to do with the real actress. And with a person with BPD its the same, an act, a part.

I think it is an act they don't know they are putting on.  "The script" that is their belief of how life "should" go is part of their core being (or lack thereof) so their insecurities and lack of a sense of self causes their erratic behavior, especially when things go "off-script". 

I bet a lot of actors and actresses are borderlines but their behavior is tolerated because it is part of their "talent" and "creative process". 

I just want my life back.  Right now it feels like it has done irreparable damage to me, but I know deep down eventually I'll move on.  I want it to be sooner rather than later, but I'm going to do my best not to dive into another relationship just for the sake of being with someone.  The healthy thing to do is surround myself with my family and good friends, get to the gym, eat healthy, just be engaged in life. 

I have to wonder what irreparable damage (without years of DBT + other treatment) has been done to her that she turned out like this.  I don't believe it is genetic.  She was not born in this country and where she comes from is not a pleasant place.  There were points in time I tried to ask her if something bad happened to her when she was younger but she didn't budge.  There were also two occasions where females friends admitted in front of us they had been raped and abused as young girls and she didn't flinch.  No reaction whatsoever.  I think something very bad happened to her as a child/adolescent - and part of me still wants to "save" her from it - but if it is true she has likely blocked it out and is part of the pieces that created the BPD puzzle that is her life... .(and took quite the effect on mine)