I'm still ruminating over her

[Lost-love-mind]

Same A from me.
I noticed she unblocked me on her email. This after 3 1/2 mos. of vile hatred toward me incl. emails she sent in response to my apology. I still take 50% blame for my behavior leading to her painting me black. However, the "black" attitude totally hurt me. I expected a short few days/weeks of passive/aggressive behavior , but never vile insults like the following after 2 mos:
"the only reason you still care [for me] is because you are a loser with no life."
Wow, and in her next to last email before dumping me was how great our relationship had been for her.
Yesterday was tough because I kept dreaming of getting back together and sent a test forwarded email from a health site she recommended.

Now I want to email her an invitation of friendship. I'm still ruminating over her. Help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

when was the last time you had any contact with her, and what was the nature of that communication?

[Lost-love-mind]

Over 6 weeks ago she sent me the vile insults referenced in the post after I apologized for the nth time.
Her usual NC response is to my boss asking him to intercede and stop me from continuing contact.
This time she received the email (maybe read it?) And did not respond to me with insults or email my boss.
Should I expect contact?
I asked for an amicable friendly contact and limited only to events I could expect her to attend which I know I will be at. One is a ethnic parade this Saturday. She volunteered last year before I met her and I go every year due to my ethnic loyalty on my mother's ethnic heritage.
I can't avoid every event because I might run into her.

[once removed]

beezle, the premise of this board (Saving) is that before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

this includes stuff like begging, pleading, chasing. these things are counter productive to what youre trying to achieve. they are pushing her away.

in this case, its gotten you into some risky territory, too; ignoring a PPO and the intervention of your boss suggest you dont have a handle on the situation and it could escalate. you dont want that.

you should respect her wishes, lie very low, and go completely off her radar. if you do run into her at any event, you should not approach her.

when someone has gone to these lengths to cut contact, its not unheard of, but unlikely that they will go back on them, but i think in this case, its got to be up to her to open that door.

ive followed your story but am unclear about the details before you broke up. how did you meet? what were the primary conflicts in your relationship?

[Lost-love-mind]

We met on a dating site. Had everything in music , movies and politics in common.
Never had any conflicts until she claimed I refused to give her a massage after she said she claimed she was tired.
This after a week of her sexting (incl. Domination of her and admitting she was submissive ) and sending me provacative photos of herself.
If you read my history, I took her tired as a "no" after 30 yrs of marriage to a ex wife that "tired = no".
I tried to explain my side and she said I missed my chance and broke it off.
This was her second breakup. First one was before we would have reached a lower level of intimacy. She came back after 2 days and things were great even though we saw each other only once a week. In addition, I tried to set a boundary early on about so much texting and sexting. It never was adhered to by her.
 She accused me of narcissism and only concerned with what I would get out of potential intimacy.

 Lots of therapy as directed me to 3 reasons for my obsession:

1) attempt to validate myself as quickly aspossible since my exwife did so by getting remarried.

2) left over separation anxiety going back to my childhood; and

3) Living out a fantasy
I am an average looking 57 yr old man who met a gorgeous 45 yr old blonde that was sexy and really fooled me during our love bombing stage. She sometimes wore pigtails and sent me songs of attraction and love. She Texted sexy emoticons, pics of herself and had macabre tattoos. Basicly, the high school type gf I never had in my teens due to me being the shy geeky guy with glasses.

I had no idea what BPD or narcissism even was until she dumped me and went nc.

.

[once removed]

its good that youre seeing a therapist. what are your therapists thoughts on the situation as it is now?

you mentioned there was a first breakup (and that this was the second). what happened there? what led to it, what was her explanation at the time?

[Lost-love-mind]

The 3 reasons for my obsession are laid out above.
Stay away from her. Same as yours. BPD with spectrum of NPD traits in my exBPD.

The first breakup was after mass love bombing on both our parts. She mirrored everything I wanted in a Christian woman (despite multiple macabre tatoos).
Night before the first breakup I sent her a Luvy-dove email saying all that was missing was the "L" word and White Snake song " is this Love?"
 Scared her off and she stated she was "tired" before our usual intimacy session after movie watching. I acted needy and kept asking what was wrong?.

I gave her space and after 2 days she cancelled me picking up my stuff from her house and we set a date for the next weekend.

That started phase #2 when her demeanor changed drastically after taking a heavy labor job in a factory. She only weighed 115 lbs and always seemed to eat even though she was skinny. First hint?

Then she started talking about needing pain pills. Hint #2? This after admitting she used to have a "pill issue" in her "hippie days".

The massage night was to relieve her back pain. The sexting suggested leading up to more since our last intimacy session was fairly intense.

She was freshly divorced (less than a year) even though hubby#2 [former musician that writes 'tripping music'] had left more than two years before after abusing her (drugs?). She claimed out of sight out of mind delayed her filing for divorce. She claimed both her exhubby's cheated on her (hubby #1 affair was publicly exposed in an entertainment mag , as he is a local musician icon).

All this in her past, and yet I would take her back in a second. She is an intellectual woman despite very little college. we had a strange connection of sending music to each other in emails. As my boss claims - I fell in love with a "groupie" from a well known underground music club in the 90's.