haunted by this love

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am very troubled by the fact that even though I know my ex is sick, even though he broke up with me in a traumatic way, without any emotion or compassion, and even though I've since found out some of the fu**ed up things he did to his ex wife and the ex before me, I still love him.  I still miss him.  I still wish we were together.  For those who may remember my story, we had an idyllic 8 months, then he abruptly and totally out of character broke up with me by email, unfriended me on facebook, threw out every gift and momento I ever gave him, and acted completely detached.  Like I was a stranger to him.

It will be 7 months since the break up in a few days, and I can't get this man out of my head.  He felt like family, told me he loved me every single day, even up to the very end.  Then it all imploded. 

I left the place where we mutually worked.  I've cut out pretty much everyone who is still in touch with him.  Not hard, since he's so charming that everyone loves him and took his side, without even knowing what happened.  It's not like any of those people in question even reached out to me after the breakup.  The one person who did made excuses for him, saying he is just such a sensitive soul, and too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a relationship.  He has everyone fooled.  Even though I know this, my heart and brain go back to the time not so long ago when he felt like family.  He even had me down as his emergency person.  I can't believe he did such a quick 180.  I know this is part of the illness - it's just that my nervous system still remembers him as mine. 

Anyway, I'm just writing for some support.  I've been very depressed over this, and I wonder what the purpose of the whole experience was.  It was everything I ever wanted in a relationship, only to be unmasked as a lie and an illness.  Now I question love, and the whole concept of being in a relationship.  My friends are good at listening, but I know they're sick of hearing me talk about him.  And I feel bad that I feel bad, if you know what I mean.  That I'm not more resilient.  It's just that I don't let many people in as deeply as I let him in.  I felt like I let him see my true self, all my different aspects, and he seemed to love everything about me.  Until all of a sudden he didn't.  I still feel dead inside since the break up, like life has no color.

[leftbehind]

I am very troubled by the fact that even though I know my ex is sick, even though he broke up with me in a traumatic way, without any emotion or compassion, and even though I've since found out some of the fu**ed up things he did to his ex wife and the ex before me, I still love him.  I still miss him.  I still wish we were together.  For those who may remember my story, we had an idyllic 8 months, then he abruptly and totally out of character broke up with me by email, unfriended me on facebook, threw out every gift and momento I ever gave him, and acted completely detached.  Like I was a stranger to him.

It will be 7 months since the break up in a few days, and I can't get this man out of my head.  He felt like family, told me he loved me every single day, even up to the very end.  Then it all imploded. 

I left the place where we mutually worked.  I've cut out pretty much everyone who is still in touch with him.  Not hard, since he's so charming that everyone loves him and took his side, without even knowing what happened.  It's not like any of those people in question even reached out to me after the breakup.  The one person who did made excuses for him, saying he is just such a sensitive soul, and too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a relationship.  He has everyone fooled.  Even though I know this, my heart and brain go back to the time not so long ago when he felt like family.  He even had me down as his emergency person.  I can't believe he did such a quick 180.  I know this is part of the illness - it's just that my nervous system still remembers him as mine. 

Anyway, I'm just writing for some support.  I've been very depressed over this, and I wonder what the purpose of the whole experience was.  It was everything I ever wanted in a relationship, only to be unmasked as a lie and an illness.  Now I question love, and the whole concept of being in a relationship.  My friends are good at listening, but I know they're sick of hearing me talk about him.  And I feel bad that I feel bad, if you know what I mean.  That I'm not more resilient.  It's just that I don't let many people in as deeply as I let him in.  I felt like I let him see my true self, all my different aspects, and he seemed to love everything about me.  Until all of a sudden he didn't.  I still feel dead inside since the break up, like life has no color.

[Accepting]

It is an experience that is a little haunting isn't it... I cried randomly a few times tonight. I thought about how he's currently actively hunting for someone online on a dating site... .after telling me he loved me 2wks ago. I thought about how supportive my brother is trying to be despite despising the guy and not understanding any of it really - and how once during the early days I turned up on my brothers doorstep in tears when driving somewhere - I just randomly changed my destination and drove to my brothers and he hugged me when he answered the door to me shaking and in tears ... .I think one of the only times we've hugged apart from at his wedding. So yes, the experience creates a feeling of being haunted for sure. I think though that it is such a delicate experience and emotional ride to have taken and that it is of course going to take time to get past it. 7 months is not so long though it likely feels like an eternity. That feeling of having others see the person in question in a positive light and be oblivious to the person's other side is  common ... .well I saw that myself as well. They are very well adept to putting up a façade... .or moreso, the lack of need to emotionally connect to most people in day to day life means they keep a safe distance from having that trigger kick in - the one that sends them distancing and showing their delicate side.

You'll be okay, we'll all be okay 

[November_Rain]

Mine exBPDbf just texted me on monday that he loved me, yet I found out today he has been active on a dating site. He broke up with me saying that he can't be in a relationship right now so why is he on a dating site? I don't understand it and I am crushed. My self esteem is so low right now... .My ex husband of ten years left me for a much younger woman after years of cheating... .I feel like I am just not able to be loved... .

[Ironmanrises]

I am very troubled by the fact that even though I know my ex is sick, even though he broke up with me in a traumatic way, without any emotion or compassion, and even though I've since found out some of the fu**ed up things he did to his ex wife and the ex before me, I still love him.  I still miss him.  I still wish we were together.  For those who may remember my story, we had an idyllic 8 months, then he abruptly and totally out of character broke up with me by email, unfriended me on facebook, threw out every gift and momento I ever gave him, and acted completely detached.  Like I was a stranger to him.

It will be 7 months since the break up in a few days, and I can't get this man out of my head.  He felt like family, told me he loved me every single day, even up to the very end.  Then it all imploded. 

I left the place where we mutually worked.  I've cut out pretty much everyone who is still in touch with him.  Not hard, since he's so charming that everyone loves him and took his side, without even knowing what happened.  It's not like any of those people in question even reached out to me after the breakup.  The one person who did made excuses for him, saying he is just such a sensitive soul, and too much of a free spirit to be tied down by a relationship.  He has everyone fooled.  Even though I know this, my heart and brain go back to the time not so long ago when he felt like family.  He even had me down as his emergency person.  I can't believe he did such a quick 180.  I know this is part of the illness - it's just that my nervous system still remembers him as mine. 

Anyway, I'm just writing for some support.  I've been very depressed over this, and I wonder what the purpose of the whole experience was.  It was everything I ever wanted in a relationship, only to be unmasked as a lie and an illness.  Now I question love, and the whole concept of being in a relationship.  My friends are good at listening, but I know they're sick of hearing me talk about him.  And I feel bad that I feel bad, if you know what I mean.  That I'm not more resilient.  It's just that I don't let many people in as deeply as I let him in.  I felt like I let him see my true self, all my different aspects, and he seemed to love everything about me.  Until all of a sudden he didn't.  I still feel dead inside since the break up, like life has no color.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

In bold.

I know exactly what you mean.

In bold/underlined.

That is idealization... .

"He seemed to love everything about me... .

(You let him in to your most inner sanctum)... .

Until all of a sudden he didnt... .

That is devaluation/discard.

It is brutally painful.

I can relate.

Just change the gender to she... .

In your words... .

And you basically described... .

What my exUBPDgf... .

Did to me.


Keep that person out of your life.

They are the bringer of joy... .Idealization.

They are the bringer of sadness... .Devaluation.

And... .

The depositor of pain... .Discard.

Hang in there.

[leftbehind]

Thanks to all who responded   I sympathize with everyone else who has gone through this.  The sudden, abrupt turn around is what has me obsessed, as my brain tries to figure out what the hell happened.  I feel like it is my mind's attempt to turn back time and undo the ending. 

They are very well adept to putting up a façade... .or moreso, the lack of need to emotionally connect to most people in day to day life means they keep a safe distance from having that trigger kick in - the one that sends them distancing and showing their delicate side.

This rings so true, Accepting.  He is so superficial and cheerful with everyone he comes in contact with.  Except when he's in a relationship and it's getting deep, or difficult.

"He seemed to love everything about me... .

(You let him in to your most inner sanctum)... .

Until all of a sudden he didnt... .

That is devaluation/discard.

Thank you, Ironmanfalls.  This is so hard to remember, because it's not normal and makes no sense.  The worst part about the devaluation is it makes me question my own worth.  Since we were colleagues in what would be considered a "new age" or healing profession, and since I left our common workplace and it seems like everyone has embraced him, I am wondering if he saw some innate badness or negativity in me that made him pull away.  I think in reality what I'm picking up on is probably what he told everyone else to paint me black and explain the sudden break up.  But it has left me questioning myself, even though I never lied to him, cheated on him, called him names, humiliated him, hit him, or withheld affection from him.  In the circle we ran in, however, there are those who use the excuse of people not being positive enough to cut ties.  I hope I'm making sense, but it's the superficial side of the new age or healing community that I'm talking about - the people that think anger is a negative emotion, or that if you're having difficulty it's because you have a low vibration.  While there's some truth to your vibration attracting certain experiences into your life, I also see a lot of judging going on. This also gets used as an excuse for people to stay superficial and not face their shadow. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I was expressing real emotions; anger when I was angry, sadness when I was sad etc, I think that in the end he used those very things to claim that we weren't on the same vibration spiritually and so he had to leave.  It's a weird kind of way to paint someone black, and because people only heard his side it must have seemed legit, since he's so full of "love and light."  Does this make sense to anyone else?

Brokenbutblessed, I am so, so sorry for what you're going through.  Mine said the same bullsh** about not being able to be with anyone right now, but I know that was a lie.  It seems a common thing with BPDs.

[Ironmanrises]

Thanks to all who responded   I sympathize with everyone else who has gone through this.  The sudden, abrupt turn around is what has me obsessed, as my brain tries to figure out what the hell happened.  I feel like it is my mind's attempt to turn back time and undo the ending.  

They are very well adept to putting up a façade... .or moreso, the lack of need to emotionally connect to most people in day to day life means they keep a safe distance from having that trigger kick in - the one that sends them distancing and showing their delicate side.

This rings so true, Accepting.  He is so superficial and cheerful with everyone he comes in contact with.  Except when he's in a relationship and it's getting deep, or difficult.

"He seemed to love everything about me... .

(You let him in to your most inner sanctum)... .

Until all of a sudden he didnt... .

That is devaluation/discard.

Thank you, Ironmanfalls.  This is so hard to remember, because it's not normal and makes no sense.  The worst part about the devaluation is it makes me question my own worth.  Since we were colleagues in what would be considered a "new age" or healing profession, and since I left our common workplace and it seems like everyone has embraced him, I am wondering if he saw some innate badness or negativity in me that made him pull away.  I think in reality what I'm picking up on is probably what he told everyone else to paint me black and explain the sudden break up.  But it has left me questioning myself, even though I never lied to him, cheated on him, called him names, humiliated him, hit him, or withheld affection from him.  In the circle we ran in, however, there are those who use the excuse of people not being positive enough to cut ties.  I hope I'm making sense, but it's the superficial side of the new age or healing community that I'm talking about - the people that think anger is a negative emotion, or that if you're having difficulty it's because you have a low vibration.  While there's some truth to your vibration attracting certain experiences into your life, I also see a lot of judging going on. This also gets used as an excuse for people to stay superficial and not face their shadow. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I was expressing real emotions; anger when I was angry, sadness when I was sad etc, I think that in the end he used those very things to claim that we weren't on the same vibration spiritually and so he had to leave. It's a weird kind of way to paint someone black, and because people only heard his side it must have seemed legit, since he's so full of "love and light."  :)oes this make sense to anyone else?

Brokenbutblessed, I am so, so sorry for what you're going through.  Mine said the same bullsh** about not being able to be with anyone right now, but I know that was a lie.  It seems a common thing with BPDs.

Welcome.

I get exactly... .

What you are saying.

In bold.

I can relate... .

My exUBPDgf... .

Was reading a self help book... .

In round 2 of devaluation... .

By doing this... .

She was telling whole world... .

That she was improving... .

While divesting herself... .

Of me... .

Of the relationship with me... .

I was the only person... .

Who actually saw the entirety... .

Of her person/s.

Thanks to a self help book.

That was the facade.

It is all a part of the disorder.

Pin the blame on you... .

The person closest to them... .

And presto... .

They leave.

And they do not have to face themselves... .

In the process.

But in time... .

That resurfaces... .

And that is when they return.

I totally understand.

[CatBlack]

I hope I'm making sense, but it's the superficial side of the new age or healing community that I'm talking about - the people that think anger is a negative emotion, or that if you're having difficulty it's because you have a low vibration.  While there's some truth to your vibration attracting certain experiences into your life, I also see a lot of judging going on. This also gets used as an excuse for people to stay superficial and not face their shadow. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I was expressing real emotions; anger when I was angry, sadness when I was sad etc, I think that in the end he used those very things to claim that we weren't on the same vibration spiritually and so he had to leave.  It's a weird kind of way to paint someone black, and because people only heard his side it must have seemed legit, since he's so full of "love and light."  Does this make sense to anyone else?

My first experience with a BPD individual was when I started dating someone who had recently broken up with a (married) woman who is very well-known and active in the "new age" community. She cornered me one day and spewed some incredibly hateful garbage and threats at me and she stalked both of us for a while. Of course her public face is all love and light and peace. Now when I see someone like that, I assume their dark side is very dark indeed.    

Brokenbutblessed, I am so, so sorry for what you're going through.  Mine said the same bullsh** about not being able to be with anyone right now, but I know that was a lie.  It seems a common thing with BPDs.

Mine is also (a) not ready for a relationship right now, (b) claiming I am his soul-mate and the love of his life, and (c) on several dating sites.

[leftbehind]

Ironmanfalls and Catblack - yes!  His public persona is so sweet that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, and yet he has done the dirtiest shi* to his exes (including me).  So there is a big disconnect between his persona and his shadow side.  I may be grumpy and sad at times (as well as fun and optimistic at other times) but I own my shi*, have made a lot of progress in facing and owning my shadow.  Plus the stuff he does (cheating, stealing, opportunistically usurping what was formerly yours - whether an apartment or a business contact) is stuff I don't do.  The difference is he has a sweet and kind front, but his actions aren't kind in the least once he devalues someone.  Then he treats them DIRTY!  Whereas, if I'm having a bad day (or a good one) everyone knows it, but I act ethically in the way I treat people day to day.  Even people I don't necessarily like.  But once he splits you black, he treats you like a crack addicted whore who just fu**ed his best friend, killed his dog, and keyed his car.  Not the woman who cooked his favorite foods, did his laundry on occasion, and helped him with his business projects whenever he asked. 

Thanks for letting me vent!

[saw_tooth]

The worst part about the devaluation is it makes me question my own worth.

You are still the same wonderful person you were before you met him.You are just a little down right now but will be back to your old self within no time.Fell good about yourself.Do not let a flawed human being define you,ever.

This also gets used as an excuse for people to stay superficial and not face their shadow. So I guess what I'm saying is that while I was expressing real emotions; anger when I was angry, sadness when I was sad etc, I think that in the end he used those very things to claim that we weren't on the same vibration spiritually and so he had to leave.

Mine said something similar to me as the 'reason for leaving me'.He said I got 'too emotional'.I don't remember where I read this but a doctor wrote 'A BPD has the emotional skin of a third degree burn victim'.Hence the 'hyper-reactivity' to anything emotional.Also, this renders them incapable of experiencing (and withstanding,if I might say) the entire spectrum of emotions from negative to positive.Displays of strong emotions unsettle them.Positive emotions of love and care unsettle them as well.Hence,they try very hard to keep their own emotions at bay or under check by wearing a mask of superficiality and avoid close and intimate contact at all costs.The partner is also asked to keep his/her emotions in check.My ex BPD guy even went on to say 'We can have what we had if you don't get emotional ' on both the recycles.I did not understand what it meant back then and it sure felt strange.

Emotional nihilism is one of their coping mechanisms.

True love is not dry and businesslike but is laced with tenderness and care which ends up fueling their emotional chaos they so desperately try to keep in check.Discarding us is the only way they can go back to emotional safety.[/quote]

[saw_tooth]

His public persona is so sweet that butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, and yet he has done the dirtiest shi* to his exes (including me).

The public persona your ex-has adopted(my ex still wears this mask) is that of a 'people pleaser'-super nice to everyone,helpful and sweet on the outside but still detached.This persona satisfies the need for acceptance and validation that was never met during childhood without him having to come to close to anyone.':)etached yet there' stance allows measured closeness with concomitant emotional safety.

In a real loving relationship,acceptance and validation usually come after emotional intimacy for which one has to make himself/herself emotionally vulnerable and bond with the partner.Toxic shame(usually carried forward from childhood) does not allow the BPD's to bond or become truly intimate.

Even though they cannot bond the way a non can,they bond and feel intimate to a certain extent.They do come 'close' to a partner which triggers their abandonment fears which in turn brings about the 'dirty behavior' as a means to push the partner away and limit the closeness yet again.

[leftbehind]

'A BPD has the emotional skin of a third degree burn victim'.Hence the 'hyper-reactivity' to anything emotional.Also, this renders them incapable of experiencing (and withstanding,if I might say) the entire spectrum of emotions from negative to positive.Displays of strong emotions unsettle them.Positive emotions of love and care unsettle them as well.Hence,they try very hard to keep their own emotions at bay or under check by wearing a mask of superficiality and avoid close and intimate contact at all costs.

Wow, this makes so much sense, Saw_tooth.  Thanks for posting.

[bpdspell]

Left Behind,

It's a bitter pill to swallow but there are many people who find "hiding places" in spiritually enlightened circles. There are many people who hide in spaces to blend in, feel acceptance, and to form alliances who struggle on a personal level with their own issues.

Spirituality unfortunately does not change an individual's history or narrative and it especially cannot cure; nor cover up a mental illness.

I'm a part of a very open minded Christian Church and yet still there are many congregants that have destructive personal lives, live lives of drama and misery and are very uncaring in terms of spreading gossip and negative toxic lies.

Sometimes spiritual circles are used as "crutches" to avoid doing the heavy lifting of healing introspective work.

As for your ex I believe that it's ok to love someone and not be with them. If you can try to... .focus on the facts of how you were treated and consequently abandoned. You were treated poorly, invalidated and thrown away. Focus on that. Not on the idealization and the happy times.

My ex has painted a picture of himself as the good guy as well. But I know the truth and anyone who's experienced him on a personal level knows the "real" him; not the phony who hides behind a carefully crafted image to hide his shame.

You are aware of your ex's abusive history and yet you still desire him.

You need to ask yourself what is it about you that wants a person who has a history of not being good to women... .why do you want that which is not good? You cannot make his bad good no matter how hard you try.

How our ex's are perceived is none of our concern. Our concern is the validation of our true experiences with them which are far from nice. Our ex's are not nice people; they're sick, tortured souls and there was nothing you could have done differently to avoid the way things ended.

Idealize, Devalue, Discard. That is the evolution of a BPD relationship and it will happen again.

I know that feeling the hurt and the abandonment pain is a daily struggle but holding on to an idealized version of your ex will not help you heal. Hold onto the facts and let the truth of how's he's treated you transform you.

Spell

[myself]

They do come 'close' to a partner which triggers their abandonment fears which in turn brings about the 'dirty behavior' as a means to push the partner away and limit the closeness yet again.

This is the sad truth of it. The closer you get, the more of a push there will be. You can do your best to make things better, to help them, to be understanding, but it only makes it worse in their eyes. The emotional part of this is where the wires are crossed.

One of the hardest parts of this has been finding that the person who said she was being so deep with me turned out to be living mostly on the surface, and a distorted one at that. I'm left feeling wide open to her while she's like 'Going Out Of Business, Everything Must Go'. When I found myself closing off to her, not sharing my feelings as much, I could see that it was really time for me to make a change. I set boundaries, spoke up for myself, continued to be kind with her, and offered to help us work things out together. She ran, saying I was being horrible with her and that we can't even be friends from now on. Minutes after saying she felt to spend her life with me because of how GREAT I've been with her. Minutes after being too close is what it was.

I know who I am and who I was with her. Who I will be in the aftermath of this as I keep moving forward. I hope she finds someone who she can actually be close with but it hasn't happened so far, and I feel if she couldn't do it with me she won't be able to with anybody. I got too close, and was too real, and she couldn't handle it. It's sad.

[topknot]

Sawtooth, thank you for that analogy of a third degree burn. Very appropriate in what I saw. In reading your post, it just makes me wonder, why do they engage in relationships at all? It would certainly save us nons a lot of misery. If emotions literally make their skin crawl, why do they repeatedly get involved?

[Clearmind]

Is it love? Can 8 months of happiness symbolize a great relationship?

Leftbehind its all about perception – your perception of him and of the relationship. We need to change our perception of who they are and not fantasize about who we want them to be.

Ever wondered how a man can be abusive yet feel like family?

Can I ask if your childhood was a chaotic roller coaster ride?

[AliveButBeatup]

It is an experience that is a little haunting isn't it... I cried randomly a few times tonight. I thought about how he's currently actively hunting for someone online on a dating site... .after telling me he loved me 2wks ago. I thought about how supportive my brother is trying to be despite despising the guy and not understanding any of it really - and how once during the early days I turned up on my brothers doorstep in tears when driving somewhere - I just randomly changed my destination and drove to my brothers and he hugged me when he answered the door to me shaking and in tears ... .I think one of the only times we've hugged apart from at his wedding. So yes, the experience creates a feeling of being haunted for sure. I think though that it is such a delicate experience and emotional ride to have taken and that it is of course going to take time to get past it. 7 months is not so long though it likely feels like an eternity. That feeling of having others see the person in question in a positive light and be oblivious to the person's other side is  common ... .well I saw that myself as well. They are very well adept to putting up a façade... .or moreso, the lack of need to emotionally connect to most people in day to day life means they keep a safe distance from having that trigger kick in - the one that sends them distancing and showing their delicate side.

You'll be okay, we'll all be okay 

Your post brought me to tears this evening.  It hit so close to home.  In particular about driving to your brothers. I know the feeling.  Too well. Too many times.  The insanity of I love you, I love you, I love you and be it 2 hours, 2 days or 2 weeks later demanding you move out.  It beats you up and then you get more beaten up.

ABB

[leftbehind]

Clearmind, he was only abusive at the VERY end, in the way he broke up with me and treated me afterward when I tried to confront him.  All the time leading up to that he was a dream of a boyfriend.  What I didn't realize was that in the beginning it was Idealization, and then later an act to keep things superficial between us.

But yes, my family life growing up was a horror show roller coaster ride.  So of course I found another person to betray and abandon me.  Didn't realize it at all when I was being idealized, though. 

It felt (and looked) like the perfect dream of love, of acceptance, and of being in sync and harmony with someone.  He actually WAS my hero on many occasions - when I sliced my finger open and had to be taken to the emergency room, when I had bronchitis for 2 months and could barely work.  He was good to me, cooking for me, helping me clean my apartment when I threw out my shoulder (I was REALLY good to him too, by the way).  But as I now understand it, that was when he was idealizing me.  Looking back now towards the end I can see where he must have started to split me black, but he kept faking like he was still in love with me.  Then suddenly one day he breaks up with me by email, and erases every trace of me, when the day before he told me he loved me three times.

I now know that the other side of him was waiting to come out as soon as the inevitable devaluation started.  Then the discard.

I know how this relates to my family of origin.  BUT I felt that I had done so much work on myself, obtained so much insight, healed such a big chunk of my past etc that this was the payoff in the way of a really great relationship.  I didn't realize it was just another relationship with someone with a personality disorder like my father. 

That is the disappointing part.  That I thought this was me attracting real love after all the work on myself.  Instead, it was just another link in my own chain of failed relationships with unstable men like my father. 

So I wonder, can I heal past these dysfunctional childhood imprints, or am I doomed to always end up being unwittingly sucked back into the old paradigm?

[triangleheart]

I have a problem with a lot of new age stuff. For instance, forgiveness. I have made the conscious decision not to forgive my BPD ex. Why? Because what he did to me is such a violation of my ethics--heck, of pretty much all sane ethics, that I will never forgive him in the sense of accepting what he did to me as "okay". My goal is to forget as much as I possibly can about the relationship--particularly the good stuff-- and remember only what I need to in order to avoid such people in the future.

The scary truth may very well be that you looked evil in the face and it told you that it loved you. It acted like it loved you. And maybe it was all a lie. This is hard to believe, much less accept. But you must. Evil is real. Bad people exist. Just read the news on any given day and it is all there. People do terrible things.

We are all complex, full of good and bad intentions and emotions. The best we can do is strive to be better. Some people do, and some people slap on a facade of perfect goodness. I prefer my friends and family to be real, and I expect them to accept me as real too. A BPD can make you feel like a uniquely awful and ugly person. They can make you ashamed for having bad days and negative emotions. Well, I say fudge that. I'd rather be without a partner for the rest of my life than try to have to be perfect in order for someone to accept me.

So it seemed you had perfect love--until he treated you in the most unloving way possible. Well, it happened and it turns out it wasn't love. What do you take away from it? You did a lot of healing work and then the universe handed you another and much deeper opportunity to learn to love and accept yourself as you are. So love yourself. You didn't deserve this but you can rise above it. Better things await you, even if you don't know what they are right now.

[Conundrum]

I have a problem with a lot of new age stuff. For instance, forgiveness. I have made the conscious decision not to forgive my BPD ex. Why? Because what he did to me is such a violation of my ethics--heck, of pretty much all sane ethics, that I will never forgive him in the sense of accepting what he did to me as "okay".

I understand that you are hurt and I empathize, but when you realized that you were involved with a pwBPD did you still expect "sane ethics" from him? Diagnostic criteria involves poor impulse control (e.g. promiscuity, substance abuse, excessive spending), a history of unstable relationships, black and white splitting etc. These criteria are not exactly benchmarks for a successful conventional relationship, and once informed the patterns are eminently foreseeable. Why castigate a pwBPD for being who they are? If our feelings compel us to be with them, we should assume the risks, accept them, or move on. Otherwise, we intentionally set ourselves up for victimization, which is an unhealthy co-dependent coping tool.

The scary truth may very well be that you looked evil in the face and it told you that it loved you. It acted like it loved you. And maybe it was all a lie. This is hard to believe, much less accept. But you must. Evil is real. Bad people exist. Just read the news on any given day and it is all there. People do terrible things.

I work in a field in which I'm required to consult one-on-one for many hours with those convicted of homicide, sex crimes on children, rape, etc. Evil is a vague term and highly subjective. Do you think the parents of a child who has been raped and murdered would consider our relational woes to be on the same scale as their suffering? Having a pwBPD look you in the face and tell you that they'll love you forever, and then 10 minutes later sleep with the dog-walker who passes on by, isn't evil on some grand scale--it's disordered. People with BPD are often unreliable, and aren't suitable candidates for conventionally stable relationships--but being hurt by them is not tantamount to them being evil incarnate. I wish you peace... .   

[fromheeltoheal]

I've heard it takes half as long as a relationship lasted to fully get over it, and that's a normal relationship.  One as traumatic as a BPD spin cycle might take a little longer, yes?  It's been twice as long as the relationship lasted since I left her, and I can say there is almost no emotional content left, I'm looking at it from a very detached place now, and after learning a lot about the disorder, I find it fascinating.

Your 8 month relationship ended 7 months ago, nothing sacred about the calendar and it takes what it takes, but maybe focus on how far you've come, and keep moving forward.  For me some days putting one foot in front of the other was all I could do, other days were filled with epiphanies, and still others life was good.  I found it was most important to sit with my feelngs, not analyze, try to fix, or avoid them, just sit with them.

Hang in there, maybe evrything's happening the way it's supposed to.

[Learning_curve74]

 

That is the disappointing part.  That I thought this was me attracting real love after all the work on myself.  Instead, it was just another link in my own chain of failed relationships with unstable men like my father. 

So I wonder, can I heal past these dysfunctional childhood imprints, or am I doomed to always end up being unwittingly sucked back into the old paradigm?

leftbehind, you acknowledge the issues that trace back to your FOO, and you seem to have worked on healing yourself. Why not give yourself the benefit of the doubt? There is no reason to over-generalize and assume you are doomed to bring stuck finding only the same types of men to get involved with.

We each only experience an extremely small slice of the world but it tends to fill up the entire vista in front of our eyes. There is more. The simple fact that other human beings out there are having healthy and fulfilling relationships means that you as a human being are also capable! Yes, we all bring our own unique backgrounds and issues to the table, but the connection between human beings manifested as love is very basic and common.

If we recognize the thoughts and actions that keep us trapped in unhealthy or unwanted patterns, then we can also begin to alter our thoughts and actions such that we experience different outcomes.

I apologize for lecturing when you're feeling wounded, but know that many of us here are hurt too. We are listening though sometimes we give out what we want to receive the most. That could be caring, explanations, whatever. Even hugs. 

[triangleheart]

I have a problem with a lot of new age stuff. For instance, forgiveness. I have made the conscious decision not to forgive my BPD ex. Why? Because what he did to me is such a violation of my ethics--heck, of pretty much all sane ethics, that I will never forgive him in the sense of accepting what he did to me as "okay".

I understand that you are hurt and I empathize, but when you realized that you were involved with a pwBPD did you still expect "sane ethics" from him? Diagnostic criteria involves poor impulse control (e.g. promiscuity, substance abuse, excessive spending), a history of unstable relationships, black and white splitting etc. These criteria are not exactly benchmarks for a successful conventional relationship, and once informed the patterns are eminently foreseeable. Why castigate a pwBPD for being who they are? If our feelings compel us to be with them, we should assume the risks, accept them, or move on. Otherwise, we intentionally set ourselves up for victimization, which is an unhealthy co-dependent coping tool.

The scary truth may very well be that you looked evil in the face and it told you that it loved you. It acted like it loved you. And maybe it was all a lie. This is hard to believe, much less accept. But you must. Evil is real. Bad people exist. Just read the news on any given day and it is all there. People do terrible things.

I work in a field in which I'm required to consult one-on-one for many hours with those convicted of homicide, sex crimes on children, rape, etc. Evil is a vague term and highly subjective. Do you think the parents of a child who has been raped and murdered would consider our relational woes to be on the same scale as their suffering? Having a pwBPD look you in the face and tell you that they'll love you forever, and then 10 minutes later sleep with the dog-walker who passes on by, isn't evil on some grand scale--it's disordered. People with BPD are often unreliable, and aren't suitable candidates for conventionally stable relationships--but being hurt by them is not tantamount to them being evil incarnate. I wish you peace... .   

It's clear that people who commit violent crimes have personality disorders as well. Evil wears a human face. Hitler was a human being, too. A PD is not an excuse for hurting others IMO. There are no excuses for hurting others and refusing to get help. You're free to believe what you want, and I'm free to believe what I want. The OP's pain is real and I'm validating it. It would not help her to tell her she hasn't suffered "as much" as other people and therefore she shouldn't hurt as much as she does. She hardly needs to feel guilty about her feelings; I'm sure her BPD, former coworkers, and FOO have done enough of that already. Her faith in love and humanity have been deeply damaged, and that is a terrible thing to struggle with. It's too new agey for me to shrug it off and have "peace" without acknowledging the reality of what happened.

If BPDs were 100% awful and honest about it all the time, no one would stay with them. Their masks and lying and hard-core maniuplation make it harder to see reality and detach. That's why people suffer from these relationships. And people with BPD aren't suitable for healthy, kind, loving relationships. And those words define "relationship", so untreated BPDs aren't suitable for relationships, period.

[bpdspell]

I know how this relates to my family of origin.  BUT I felt that I had done so much work on myself, obtained so much insight, healed such a big chunk of my past etc that this was the payoff in the way of a really great relationship.  I didn't realize it was just another relationship with someone with a personality disorder like my father.  

That is the disappointing part.  That I thought this was me attracting real love after all the work on myself.  Instead, it was just another link in my own chain of failed relationships with unstable men like my father.  

So I wonder, can I heal past these dysfunctional childhood imprints, or am I doomed to always end up being unwittingly sucked back into the old paradigm?

Left Behind,

This.

I can relate. I had an emotionally chaotic childhood with a schizophrenic father and an emotionally depressed mother. My parents did not nourish me in the sense that a child should be validated. I was severely emotionally neglected and often used as a pawn between my parents when they fought. My parents were immature, self-centered and not prepared for the responsibility it takes to be fully committed parents. I suffered greatly and developed some pretty distorted ideas about love and it's meaning.

I left home at 18. Never looked back. I thought I left all of that emotional carnage behind. But I never dealt with the abuse, the neglect... .nor did I grieve or mourn what I truly experienced. I never saw a therapist... .or cried or mourned or grieved. I was a mature 18 year old so I read a lot of self-help books from inspiration speakers, watched lots of Oprah and did my best to not let my past define me. But my repressed feelings of sadness, anger, and rage had never left me and this is what I believe drew my BPD exbf to me.

I too believed that meeting that special someone would be my reward for not turning out like my parents.

I too believed that meeting that special someone would finally be my moment to breathe in love again. To feel wanted, validated, special, needed, liked... .that's the fantasy that our ex's bring our way. They love bomb us because there's that hole that lives inside of us that's waiting to be filled... .

I did all the so called "right" things with my life. I didn't abuse drugs nor alcohol, I was the loyal supportive girlfriend, I got college degrees... .but at the end of the day I didn't love me cause I couldn't fully accept my past. In fact; I was very shameful about my past.

Then I met my ex. He was perfect in the beginning. Idealization like a Harlequin novel. Then Bam: Anxiety, Blaming, Cheating, Lies, Projection. As the relationship unraveled he became an emotional replica of my parents; a walking storm cloud. I was devastated.

I didn't realize how much my ex really hated himself. The niceness was an act; a cover up. This is what people with BPD do: they cover up their disorder by wearing a mask... .until the mask is dropped. Then you realize that you weren't so lucky and then you find out about their history. Now the truth is out... .but you're still addicted to the fantasy.

I know you love your ex. I loved mine too. My ex was handsome, cunning, intelligent, naturally sexy and great in bed. But in many ways I overvalued him because I didn't value myself much.

Left behind. You need to value yourself. At some point mourning and grieving will get you through the other side of your stuckness and unwillingness to detach. Your ex is not your magical elixir to happiness. He's damaged, disordered, and lacks the capacity to sustain what you so desperately miss: idealization.

What your ex did is not about you or your worth. It's about him and how sick he really is.

Hope this helps.

Spell

[Clearmind]

Leftbehind, abuse is a word that is quite misunderstood – yes yelling is abuse, leaving a partner without explanation is also abuse. However, abuse can also be stealth, ambient and very subtle and often not known or realized by a partner until it’s too late. Subtle put downs, stone walling, silence, isolation, passive aggression, circular arguments are all forms of abuse - it is my guess there were forms of abuse throughout the union not just at the end.

Maybe reframe your thoughts about what abuse is and label his behaviour towards you for what it is rather than gloss over it and call it idealization and superficial relating. Its more than that.

From what you write I figure you maybe still fantazing about who he is and what the relationship symbolized. He is your Hero yet he treated you with contempt! He is all those things and we often find it easier to split our partners into good and bad – yes we also split. Remind yourself your ex is bad and good and indifferent – change your perception of who he is rather than fantazing about him being your saviour. No one can save you but you.

Dad was most likely your hero too as a child yet did not treat you or protect you like you needed to be - is this a pattern that is maybe repeated in your adult romantic relationships. We are often taught as kids to love our parents regardless and without faltering! What happens in these cases is that we persist with abusers in our adult life because we don't know any different. I am poking around here leftbehind and don't know you or your past - if I am off the mark its OK.

So I wonder, can I heal past these dysfunctional childhood imprints, or am I doomed to always end up being unwittingly sucked back into the old paradigm?

Absolutely however we need to face the vulnerabilities and fear surrounding digging deep and healing. We enacted our childhood conditioning in these relationships – from how we chose this person, to how we acted in the relationship to the aftermath (grief) – the cycle of this relationship was probably reminiscent of our childhoods – that is why the pain is unbearable because we are processing this relationship with childlike emotions and childhood wounds - we need to emotionally mature. That is the gift this relationship provides us with --- emotional maturity. If we have emotional maturity we will see this relationship for what it was.

We will repeat patterns if we don’t look at our childhood.

Dad, loved you the only way he could – not ideal I know – same here! Begin to make linkages between this relationship and you and your childhood. Often when we had an abusive or alcoholic parent we were starved of needs and our boundaries were ignored. We continue to live our adult life without adult privledges and allow others to dictate our fate. We needed protecting as kids and we weren't - time to protect yourself.

Start to look at how you would like to live your life and start living it, redefine your idea of what love is and what it means to respect someone and they respect you, listen to your gut (its not wrong, its right - despite what you were told as a child), find your moral code (not the ones your parents taught you), sieze choice, learn about boundaries, be assertive and drop the idea of needing to be 'nice'. If everyone likes you, you are doing something drastically wrong  

It can be done however living out our relationship failure day after day is self sabotage - we re-traumatize ourselves by continuing to lament over its failure. All we need to know is: they are not well and incapable of showing a love that you deserve and we (me) chose a person who was highly dysfunctional because it gave us (me) worth to fix.

Find your worth inside you not in your ex - he cannot define you - you define you.

When you meet a potential partner - take it slow - look at the words and see if they equal the actions. Don't mistake intensity for love! Love is friendship, a partnership and is full of respect and trust.

[leftbehind]

Thank you so much everyone who added to this thread

I am just taking everything in and processing.  Coming here in the last couple of days has helped me enormously.  I realized last night that I need to start to let go of this experience a little more, because my life has started to become chaotic - bills not paid, house not clean, and walking around with a big cloud of life sucking black energy over my head.  I've also gained a lot of weight, because I had an injury a couple of weeks after the breakup and couldn't exercise for the last 6 months.  Now I'm sick with a cold and congestion, and struggling to get well.

I realize that being depressed over this is affecting my health, the cleanliness of my home, and my financial stability.  It's ironic, because before the break up I would have said I was a lot more stable and secure than my ex.  The one with more friends, more hobbies, a steady exercise program, and more financial equity.  Not that I ever felt superior to him - I loved him and thought he was wonderful.  But I wasn't the one who was bankrupt, he was.  My only point is that I've let this break up undermine my mental health and well being - my STABILITY - in a profound way.  I realized last night that it needs to stop.  I feel as if I'm climbing up out of a dark well.  It may take some time, but I need to keep climbing.

I also realized today that there was always a small part of me that couldn't see us together forever.  I was completely in love with him, and so extremely happy.  But when I tried to envision us together (he would say things like "this is long term", "I can't imagine my life without you,"  "you're the only woman on the planet for me," and "I love my life with you!" a part of me couldn't see a future of happily ever after.  The real ever after, where you grow old with someone.  Somehow I knew that was off the table, despite him selling me his deluded Idealization package. 

Maybe the part that couldn't see it was my intuition, or my higher self, I don't know.  But I'm hanging on to this thought today, because somehow it makes the pain less. 

Again, thanks to everyone for all the love and support

[leftbehind]

And I'll be damned if I let that unstable, disordered ass lead a better life than me.

[Ironmanrises]

And I'll be damned if I let that unstable, disordered ass lead a better life than me.

He wont.

He is disordered.

[Clearmind]

leftbehind, live your life authenticly and for you - free of comparisons to him and his life! This happens when we detach - you are not there yet its OK.

[patientandclear]

LeftBehind,  

As you know, I see a lot of parallels between your experience and mine.  It is a minority experience in this board to go through the r/s without abuse until the sudden end.  But that is what happened with me, and from what you've said, also with you.

In such cases, while I do think we can learn lessons about not being so moved by intensity, I don't think there are necessarily lessons about why you chose this person.  You chose this person because this person appeared to be genuinely interested in and committed to you.  There's nothing off there.  And you did not stay in an abusive situation.  I don't think you need to chase that rabbit ("why did I do this?"  If you know nothing of BPD, there would be no reason to think there was something wrong, until the very end.

My recovery period has been longer than yours, but what you describe is identical to how I felt, at 7 months out, & much further (not to alarm you!)  I couldn't attend to lots of important life functions, I lost interest in things I used to find compelling, I went from the happiest person I knew (before the r/s) to a depressed, subdued, marginally competent person drifting through my own life, completely blown apart by this.  The ticker tape of "how could it happen? how did it happen? what happened? what could I do to stop it?" ran incessantly for two full years for me.  (Admittedly I am in touch with my ex which has the effect of repeating the push-pull cycle frequently & triggering my hurt reactions.)

I want you to take very seriously that these probably are trauma reactions.  It means they are not very susceptible to thinking & will power, and to just "deciding" to view things differently.  You were hurt and your trust violated by someone you allowed very close, the last person you expected to hurt you.  It does a number on any sense of safety, or order, in the world.  It makes you want to defend against the same thing happening again.  It makes you want to go back & make it turn out differently.  It seriously interrupts normal activities of life.

After two years of trying to make my thoughts be better about all this, with lots of great guidance from the boards, I finally took the trauma part seriously & have started some somatic (body based) trauma therapies that are proving enormously helpful.  I finally, after all this time, feel much less anxious and at war with my reality.

I can't remember if you had a financial barrier to therapy, but if you can afford it, I'd check out specialized somatic trauma therapies.  In any event, I would not conclude anything is wrong with you or how you are processing this that you are so upended by it.  It was a massive, massive betrayal.

[leftbehind]

Thank you so much, Patientandclear   It's always good to hear your thoughts, since our situations were so similar.  I really appreciate your support.  I am trying not to be so hard on myself, to forgive myself for not being the "perfect" girlfriend, and to realize that no matter how "perfect" (free of drama, non-judgmental, totally accepting, and non-controlling) I could have "zenned" myself into being, his disorder would still have been triggered.  When I am being super hard on myself and forget this, I remind myself of his unstable history with the two women (and his family and kids) that came before me.  None of us (including his mother and sister) could be "perfect" enough not to trigger his disorder. 

Wondering what the upcoming Mercury Retrograde may bring with regard to any recycling attempts... .