Struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been feeling strong this time (for first time). But today & with no triggering from anything I can think of, I'm really struggling & feeling very low. Haven't got a clue what's changed in last 24hrs but I'm in a very different place today. So much I want to say about what I've been through by her actions!

Oh how the head & heart do test us!

[Moonie75]

Been feeling strong this time (for first time). But today & with no triggering from anything I can think of, I'm really struggling & feeling very low. Haven't got a clue what's changed in last 24hrs but I'm in a very different place today. So much I want to say about what I've been through by her actions!

Oh how the head & heart do test us!

[Reg]

Been feeling strong this time (for first time). But today & with no triggering from anything I can think of, I'm really struggling & feeling very low. Haven't got a clue what's changed in last 24hrs but I'm in a very different place today. So much I want to say about what I've been through by her actions!

Oh how the head & heart do test us!

Moonie,

What's stopping you from saying the things you've been through here ? We've all been there mate, might make you feel better !

Reg

[Perfidy]

I feel ya! I have very few moments where I feel good and even fewer moments of feeling emotionally strong. What has helped is the fact that I do not contact her. I have blocked her from social media. I have thrown away her things and deleted her photos. These actions are essential to my healing. She is with another person now and seems to be quite happy. Good for her but I cannot remain in this shattered state any longer. I have dated a few times but nothing too heavy. It sucked anyway because I was so damned depressed. The longer I go no contact and stick to my own business and stay completely out of hers the better I feel about myself. I get moments where I feel ok and even a couple times where I even feel strong and then I fall right back into the crap. Crying like a little girl. I cannot erase my memories. This is a struggle for survival. It is affecting everything about me. I have lost friends. I have been at my worst ever in my life. It has to change. I cannot let this take me down any further.

[LetItBe]

Been feeling strong this time (for first time). But today & with no triggering from anything I can think of, I'm really struggling & feeling very low. Haven't got a clue what's changed in last 24hrs but I'm in a very different place today. So much I want to say about what I've been through by her actions!

Oh how the head & heart do test us!

I can totally relate, Moonie.  We've been broken up a little over 4 months, and I was making progress, then I started missing him a few weeks ago.  I've read that grieving isn't a linear process, and that seems to match my experience.  I have to remember when I'm feeling low that no feeling is final.  

Feel free to say whatever you need to say here or to someone who is safe.  I've learned it's important to get it out that way, or it's too tempting to process with my ex (which has proven harmful in the past).  We're here for you!  

[Blade99d]

I have been making sense of my crazy relationship by asking a lot of questions on this board.  That validation, along with my T has been a tremendous help to me.  :)ont hold it in, ask questions, validate what you went through, get out and do things, reconnect with old friends... . all these things help.  

[seeking balance]

. So much I want to say about what I've been through by her actions!

Say it - get it out... . whether writing it here or walking around your house talking to yourself - let it out and lean into the pain.

When the moments of down hit, I found it moved through quicker when I didn't resist, instead lean into the pain and let the tears & anger process.

You will be ok 

Peace,

SB

[Validation78]

Hey Moonie!

Be gentle with yourself. It's normal to have ups and downs while we grieve, process and heal.

As my worst critic, I used to beat myself up about having a rough day. I have learned to embrace the moment, by focusing on just the present moment, allow myself to be human, and be assured that the moments pass, and I will feel good again later.

You have a place to talk about it here, be validated, and feel a sense of community, thankfully! We're with ya friend, it's gonna be alright, I promise!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Moonie75]

Family,

Ok I'll spill it. I think I feel robbed of something not many people can say they've had. And that really stings!

Most meet their adult partners during adulthood & it either works or it doesn't. I met my ex when we were young children living 300 miles apart & never forgot her through the next 20 years we were not in touch. After our first kiss we exchanged a token gift each in 1989. And 20 years later when we met again, I'd kept my gift from the little girl from 1989 & she too still had her gift from me. It proved beyond doubt to me that this was 'fate' or 'meant to be'. The little girl I'd never forgotten had grown into a woman who'd also never forgotten me. I spent those years between 89 & 09 often thinking of her but chose never to get in touch, what would I say, we would be strangers ffs with nothing in common. She probably wouldn't even remember me. So I did nothing & just quietly remembered her from time to time while getting on with adult life.

When we met in 09 & she'd kept her gift from 20 years ago & told how she'd always kept it in her jewelry box, well, blew my brains out. She was telling the truth too! She did indeed still have it & one of the first thing her mum ever talked to me about was how her daughter was so protective of that little boys present.

What a f**king waste of a beautiful REAL story of two little children who always wanted each other, And then f**ked it right up!

I've carried that little girl in my heart since I was a small boy. I don't want to let go of something like this. I want to because I have to, to get over it. Equally I can't because I don't want to give up on such an incredible story.

I'M A FREAKIN MESS!


Thanks for letting me tell.

[seeking balance]

I've carried that little girl in my heart since I was a small boy.

Let that little boy grieve - he is heartbroken.



Having the courage to share will give you the strength to heal - you won't feel like this forever. 

Peace,

SB

[Moonie75]

I've carried that little girl in my heart since I was a small boy.

Let that little boy grieve - he is heartbroken.



Having the courage to share will give you the strength to heal - you won't feel like this forever. 

Peace,

SB

Feel like that little boys real life fairy tale followed him through into his teenage years & through his twenties into his thirties... . Then became a big mans curse & took him down like nothing else on earth!

How the hell do I even start!

That little boy has had his fairy tale & his heart smashed into a thousand pieces. But he still loves her with all the little pieces that are left.

[Moonie75]

Mother of God, when I read that back I sound as cracked as ex is!

[causticdork]

Don't feel bad.  That's a beautiful story, and the sort of thing we all tend to think only happens in movies or books.  I'd mourn the hell out of losing that too, but try to remind yourself that this particular grief is from you mourning a circumstance.  You're mourning a fantastic story you'll never get to tell your grandkids, and the happy ending that you thought you'd have.  You're not mourning HER.  She treated you like crap and made you miserable and shagged one of your neighbors.  How'd you like to recount that part of your tale to future grandkids?

Most of us don't have an origin story as sweet as yours, but I think everyone here can relate to feeling like their BPD relationship was the sort of relationship that only happened in movies and fairy tales.  That's because we were all part of a script that our exes desperately needed to play out; a fiction that they choose to believe because their reality isn't something they can handle.  You were the lead actor in her play for a while, but if you're the writer/director and your lead actor doesn't do what you want you don't write a new play... . You just replace him with a new guy and continue on like everything's the same.   Let her keep cycling through people to play the part she needs played.  You can leave the play and go off and live in the real world, which is something she'll probably never be capable of. 

[seeking balance]

Mother of God, when I read that back I sound as cracked as ex is!

Well, Fairy tales belong with Disney and children... . and at some point we all grow up.

Growing up means accepting the hand life has dealt you, let yourself be sad - hell, it is sad to love someone yet not be able to have the life you imagined.

It is time to create a new vision, a new normal... . and it takes time... . try to be kind to you.  If you are not kind to you, who will be?

[SweetCharlotte]

Moonie, this is magical thinking that has you down. In times of suffering it is normal to regress and to return to earlier modes of thought. Before you knew how to use reason, everything seemed magical.

You might remember from my reply to a previous post of yours that I too had a special or magical meeting story about my estranged uBPDh. We were born on the same day in the same hospital, our parents became close friends, we were classmates for years, blah-blah-blah. That doesn't change the fact that he has shown a pattern of always deserting me whenever I need him most.

This magic can't make up for a lack of substance in the relationship. It would be fine as an embellishment.

I'm feeling a bit worse today too and I hope for both of us it's just a temporary setback.

[Moonie75]

Thank you Charlotte. I hope you have a better day tomorrow too x

[winston72]

Hey Moonie... . I have read many of your posts and the related responses over the past few days.  You rock!  I have enjoyed learning about your story and have greatly benefited from the dialogue(s) that have ensued from the other members of this web site.  And, man, this site is incredible.  I am consistently surprised and impressed by the level of thought, insight and care.  Really incredible.

The story of your meeting is really cool.  I love it.  It is genuinely romantic and just really unique and fabulous.  And it does not have a happy ending.  It is sad.  But even in its sadness, it is a really cool story.  As others have said, it is worthy of full-hearted mourning.  So, let it rip.  But it is also still a cool story!  So, remember it; celebrate it; repeat it... . with honesty and insight and warmth.  You ended up broken hearted.  You are alive and feeling and have a rich story.  Hooyah!

Now, as to the end of the story and the shag-a-neighbor gig... . well, that will merit an open handed slap on your own forehead... . how could it end up that way? 

Life... .

[Emelie Emelie]

[/quote]
When the moments of down hit, I found it moved through quicker when I didn't resist, instead lean into the pain and let the tears & anger process[/quote]
I find this helps to.  When I try and "resist" the pain and the tears it's so much worse.  Of course there are times and places when you just can't cry.  Then I just try and really stay in the moment. 

[BeHappyAgain]

Moonie

Reading the circumstances of your relationship [two kids who always remembered each other] is it fair to say that that story was central to your relationship? The strong feeling that  you had met [been reunited with] your soul mate and that it was now safe to let your inner child run wild with hers?  Childish names, childish jokes etc.

Its a lovely place to be, I spent 4 happy years there myself with my xUBPDGF

But when it goes wrong its horrible. You feel so rejected on the deepest levels.

I wept... oh, how can I put it?... . like a baby!

For months! 

All this 'inner child' stuff can seem a bit 'out there' when you first encounter it - but can I suggest you read the posts about wounded child meeting lonely child. Also the work of Susan Anderson

This book is excellent www.amazon.co.uk/Journey-Abandonment-Healing-Susan-Anderson/dp/0425172287/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375928300&sr=1-1&keywords=susan+anderson

The post and the book deal directly with inner child wounding - given your back story this may be contributing to your suffering.

Learning about it gave me a map to speed up my journey to freedom.

It also stopped me feeling I was mad, weak or a failure for being in soo much %&\!'ing pain !