Still with emotional shock and depression

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all, Happy Holiday. Its been several months since my last post. I'm have a very difficult time dealing with all of this especially today. I am still in the mist of a divorce that I do not want .  For the last several month, She ( my BP wife) has been leaving every day around 6pm after I get home from work and does not return until 5 am the next day.  I suspect she stay at another guy's house and has been having an affair for the last year now but I have no proof of it but at this point in my life, it does not matter. Even last night she left at 6:15 pm and has not returned.  We have two children together.  In the past 6 months, She kept yelling at me to file for divorce and told me if I did not do it she would file an the end of this year, which is now.  I still walk on egg shell with her.  I feel like im her doormat.  She had been treating me like crap for the last 4 years, so I got scared and so I filed a few months ago and now regret it ... .because it has cause me so much emotional trauma and pain, I don't know what to do.  Today is Christmas eve and I'm try to enjoy this day with my kids but because I still live in the same house with her, my anxiety level are off the charts.  I'm constantly worried about what this divorce will do to the children. How will I survive the financial loss and the emotional part of not see my kids everyday.  I have NO real support.  Im just dealing with so much stress from my job, my kids, these holidays and of course her.  So People tell me there light at the end of the tunnel and all I say is I truly don't see. I see more darkness. I see my wife continue to destroy my life even after the divorce until I'm dead while my kid suffer.  If you have any advise please let me know.  Its very very hard #1 dealing with divorce and worst dealing with a person with BPD in the divorce.   Just recently she flipped out because I did not wash the pots and pans after she asked me.  She was angry because she want to have grill cheese sandwich at that immediate moment and the pans were not washed She said I should have taken care  them  immediately. when I attempted to stand up for myself. She would make comments about take the kids away from me (my children are my soft spot and she knows it)... I hate that my life has turned out this way.  I realize this divorce will happen but still my kids and idea of them going to be from a broken home hurts very much.  I admit she treat me like a doormat and my self esteem is all gone.  I also admit im a codependent and wants everyone to like me... Please help. There so many problems within me

[tmarshal2016]

Hi all, Happy Holiday. Its been several months since my last post. I'm have a very difficult time dealing with all of this especially today. I am still in the mist of a divorce that I do not want .  For the last several month, She ( my BP wife) has been leaving every day around 6pm after I get home from work and does not return until 5 am the next day.  I suspect she stay at another guy's house and has been having an affair for the last year now but I have no proof of it but at this point in my life, it does not matter. Even last night she left at 6:15 pm and has not returned.  We have two children together.  In the past 6 months, She kept yelling at me to file for divorce and told me if I did not do it she would file an the end of this year, which is now.  I still walk on egg shell with her.  I feel like im her doormat.  She had been treating me like crap for the last 4 years, so I got scared and so I filed a few months ago and now regret it ... .because it has cause me so much emotional trauma and pain, I don't know what to do.  Today is Christmas eve and I'm try to enjoy this day with my kids but because I still live in the same house with her, my anxiety level are off the charts.  I'm constantly worried about what this divorce will do to the children. How will I survive the financial loss and the emotional part of not see my kids everyday.  I have NO real support.  Im just dealing with so much stress from my job, my kids, these holidays and of course her.  So People tell me there light at the end of the tunnel and all I say is I truly don't see. I see more darkness. I see my wife continue to destroy my life even after the divorce until I'm dead while my kid suffer.  If you have any advise please let me know.  Its very very hard #1 dealing with divorce and worst dealing with a person with BPD in the divorce.   Just recently she flipped out because I did not wash the pots and pans after she asked me.  She was angry because she want to have grill cheese sandwich at that immediate moment and the pans were not washed She said I should have taken care  them  immediately. when I attempted to stand up for myself. She would make comments about take the kids away from me (my children are my soft spot and she knows it)... I hate that my life has turned out this way.  I realize this divorce will happen but still my kids and idea of them going to be from a broken home hurts very much.  I admit she treat me like a doormat and my self esteem is all gone.  I also admit im a codependent and wants everyone to like me... Please help. There so many problems within me

[The Teacher]

Hi Tmarshal. I am sorry you have been going through this. I hope you are keeping a written journal of each time she leaves and when she returns. You might also wish to write down each time she verbally abuses you and screams. This might be useful evidence in court.

[tmarshal2016]

Last night was one of the worst days since going through this divorce. (we still live in the same house) When I got home from work, She (wife) asked me if her adult daughter (my step daughter) got any Christmas gifts from my sister.  When I said "No". She flipped out. Telling me that was typical and how much she never like my sister and my mother. several hateful things were said to me... .which I absorbed... .then  she was also concerned I told our next door neighbor about the divorce because we never got a xmas gift from them and apparently they don't speak to her ... .so that's my fault! because I told them... .when she confronted me I just denied it but it just pissed her off more... .then she told me I'm not allow to speak to her family anymore because "it's her family".  According to her, she had not said anything to them about the divorce to them. Sad thing, there are some of the family member I'd enjoy hang out with but I can't because she see it as awkward and she demand I don't talk to them. plus she always said I disrespected her by being rude to her family.  I don't understand her or her statements but it hurts.  She also told me again I never accepted her daughter, we were never a family and there was never any trust. She had more hateful words.

This led to her telling me her demands for the divorce (a divorce I still do not want). Demands in selling the house we currently live in and her statement of taking my two beautiful children with her and losing financially

What is wrong with me? My fears are getting worse. Like my previous post, I feel the same. I don't see any light at the end of this. Just more pain and suffering. Not sure how much I can take this.  I love my kids so much and I'm afraid I will lose everything I worked hard for.

Thank you,

[takingandsending]

Hi tmarshal. My heart goes out to you, and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I really understand about the stress of trying to make a happy Christmas with your children when you don't feel very happy yourself. I am in process of divorce with my wife but still living in the same home; we have a S5 and S11. Two years ago, I was dealing with the shock of my wife being diagnosed as BPD by our couples T, and I also felt like a doormat, dealing with huge rages, etc. I was miserable whenever I thought about not seeing my children every day, because they were my only source of happiness outside of my work friendships. I was isolated and depressed. All I can tell you is that things can and will get better, but you have to start by taking care of yourself, first.

Are you seeing a T, is there someone that you can vent to (of course, you can here, too  ), are there any activities that help relieve your stress? And what can we do to help you not absorb those rage attacks from your wife? I know that reading the information on this website about boundaries began the process of me learning how to care for myself in my dysfunctional relationship with my wife. pwBPD will project their feelings out on to others to gain relief - it's what they do - but that doesn't mean that you have to accept it. It's terrible to hear accusations and blame for things that you do or don't do, and it hurts to be attacked like that. So, provide a little validation, "It is frustrating when the pan is dirty, and you want to use it. But I am feeling upset and need to take a break from this discussion. I will come back in 30 minutes and wash the pan then." Then you leave, and come back in 30 minutes and wash the pan if it's not already taken care of. If she engages in more rage, you repeat the process. If you have not already, please do read the lessons on communication so that you reduce the triggers with your wife and respond without JADE (Justify Argue Defend Explain).

The uncertainty and loss (financial and emotional) need time for grief. But don't lose hope. Keep being there for yourself and for your children. It will get better, and your head will clear once you step a little more out of the (FOG) Fear Obligation Guilt. Hope your week goes better. 

[ForeverDad]

So she's gone most nights?  Interestingly, one of the factors many courts use is how much time each parent has with the kids.  If she's gone most evenings and overnights, then she's not doing much parenting not even by the clock.  That probably the reason why The Teacher wrote that you need to start a journal to document your parenting.  Why?

When parents get into court there's a lot of claims and denials, "he said, she said" and you don't want the judge to just consider your valid claims as just marital bickering and ignore it.  The diary, journal, log, whatever you call it will be viewed as as more reliable than verbal claims and denials of the moment.

As for her being gone all night, yes, sounds like infidelity.  But these days only a few states care about that.  So it is what it is.  If you are religious and are reluctant to take action for that reason, take solace in the fact that the Bible lists infidelity as basis for a divorce.  So don't guilt yourself — nor let her guilt you — if/when you do decide on divorce.

I recall someone telling me the old adage, Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?  If she is with a man, maybe that's what he's thinking.  Or maybe she's telling him she'd never leave your marriage because of the kids.  So, pardon me if I'm blunt, a question, Why keep the cow if it kicks you all the time and isn't giving you any milk?  Yes, I know it's not that simple, but honestly ponder why you're allowing yourself to be so beaten down emotionally.

When you consider the impact of all this discord on the children, should you stay with her for the children or rather, leave her for the children?

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, overall craziness, etc.  Some 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

One thought I'll add... .Most of the disordered mothers reported here are of the sort that they'll fight tooth and nail to keep control, including control of the children.  That your spouse has evidently ended a marital relationship, though not divorced, and spends her nights elsewhere speaks volumes.  Is she the sort who won't fight as hard for the children but put her new adult relationships first?  A divorce may be hugely obstructed and opposed, but perhaps not as much as you fear, hmm?

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you ForeverDad

Another Update: She left on Friday at 6pm and has not returned as of today (Dec. 31).  I suspect she will not be home until Monday evening plus I'm not allow to ask her where she goes because "it none of my business cause we are getting a divorce". I also have a stepdaughter who is 18 years old now and she also come and goes as she pleases from this house. I also cant talk her either.  My BPD wife made it very clear.  " leave her alone. She's not your daughter. Plus you never accepted her anyway since the births of your children." She always said "I am controlling ass."  she just said it two days ago.  But she's the one who tells me when to come home so she can take off.  Recently, she told me when she going on "Vacation" and how I would have to take those days off cause no one will take care of the kids.

The sad thing is evening everything that she is doing now, she's still seek full legal and physical custody of my children. I believe she want more alimony and child support money.  she will claim my job will constantly request me back on site and I have to be on call from time to time, which is true. Therefore, she need to keep the children. Plus I suspect she does not ever want to work. She's in her mid forties, She never had a job since we have been married.

Back then, I wanted to have a nuclear type of family. Where mom stay home and the dad works. I honestly thought I did the right thing but now it will bite me in the butt.  Everything I thought I was doing right will be destroyed. My kids will come from a broken home and feel I'll be alone for the rest of my life. I'm in my forty's now.

There are also  dark thoughts of me quitting my job that I've been doing for 20 plus years.  It's a very stable job but it has many stressor and with this divorce my mind is in constant anxiety and depression regarding on how I can take care of my kids. I need to found child care. I'm constantly stressing myself out.  Im currently with my kids because she's gone but I'm in constant fear especially when she comes home. The divorce has been filed. Still waiting for a court date but like all the members in the site I'm still walking on eggshells with her and constantly fearful of that day where I will no longer see my children everyday.  That day, I'm truly going to dread.     

Honestly, as 2016 is coming to an end, I am fearing what 2017 will bring me. More misery and stress?.  I constantly go back and forward on wanting the divorce but I know she want it. She wants her happiness and I don't provide that happiness anymore. 

I've lost many friends since my marriage. Some I am trying to recontact but most are not very close to me.  I realize I have no support system any more. My family cant help me and I feel I am constantly alone.  Oh, If someone out there can direct me on how to establish or find child care for my kids. I live in southern CA.  I appreciate it. This divorce has been taken a toll on my for a long time and I fear she will continue her demands even after the divorce.  I feel so hopeless right. Please Help! 

[ForeverDad]

When the family is in distress and you have hope of restoring it, yes, you work to make it a success to the extent of your ability.  But... .when you realize the marriage is imploding then the paradigm shifts.  You re-prioritize and focus instead on what is best for the children and you.  Sorry, she's an adult, at that point you let her worry about herself.

In this case, you let her be gone for whatever she want.  Just log or document it.  Keep your documentation in a safe place she can't access and make things disappear.  No, locked briefcases can be jimmied, trunks can be broken into.  We had a member who reported his stbEx went to his office, told the staff she was waiting for him and then thoroughly searched his office.  Nothing is too low or too brazen when it comes to BPD.

And as you've learned by now pwBPD don't know how to or won't reciprocate our good actions and accommodations.

No one knows whether she will expand her absences.  Probably best to investigate local daycares so that before/after school the children can have a place you control and doesn't depend on her.

Remember, do not warn her, "You're doing this or that which will make you look bad in court."  No, no, no.  Share parenting information but little more.  Sharing more than that could turn out to be sabotaging yourself and your case for majority parenting.  Yes, it is a huge shift from your past efforts and perspectives but she's not responding positively and so you have to change your approach.  Remember how they said it during WW2?  Loose lips sink ships.  Sharing your confidential plans and research — or warning her what she's doing wrong such as being absentee, etc — could give her opportunity to sink you in court.

After you finish reading and posting here, be sure to LOG OUT.  PwBPD and other PDs have no qualms against snooping.  Delete your internet browsing history too if you feel that is necessary.

[sfbayjed]

Try to be mindful and not emotional.

She is staying out all night because she wants you to think that. That is just horrible. That is even worse than a woman cheating on you and hiding it. It really doesn't matter where she goes, it's already worse than that.

She threatens to divorce you. Because that hurts you too. Do you think she knows that you want to keep things together for the kids and for the family? Of course she does. She makes these threats to hurt you.

I was in your position few years back. I speak from experience.
You are beat down at the moment. You are stronger than you feel right now. It is not that hard to make it on your own and be happy. Not for you.  For her, yeah. It isn't quick, it takes time

I know how you feel but you have to realize she is no good.  Not just BPD but not a good person. She is a person that gets off on hurting you, making things hard for you, watching you fail, ect.  then acting normal again for a few, just long enough to give you hope and then beat you down again. Am I wrong? It is not just BPD it is emotional sadism. I call it evil. I bet her eyes change too.

Leave and in a few years you will be your old self again with scars from the experience
Stay and it will either kill you or destroy you in some way.

The false allegations of abuse will be coming soon. First the threats of false allegation come then the staged event.

Her brain is different, You know you have to get out. It isn't going to be easy. Sooner is better than later.

What would it be like, you and the kids with her not there and no chance of showing up?  Great? Awesome? Then having some time to yourself? It's better here on the other side. I promise.

Also, think about this. What would you want your son or daughter to do in your situation?
You are their role model of how a man should behave.
Think of how awesome it is when you have your place and she doesn't live there. You can make it the way you want and the kids can be there 1/2 the time at least.

 

[tmarshal2016]

Thank you SFBAYJE

*Here's another update:   Just thirty minutes ago, she took my youngest to a birthday party in a city one hour away from the home at a place called "pump it up". My youngest loves those places but he was being very difficult upon leaving here.  He thought both me and my other child was going too.  He then did not want to go but she did not want to show up to the party without one of our children.  So she just grabbed him and took him. She left my oldest with me because he did not want to go.  It broke my heart, seeing my youngest being force to go with his mother. She even got upset with me by telling me that I sounded sad.  The truth was I was sad. She made several remarks which were hateful and mean.  She told me this is how its going to be after the divorce. The kids will have to go to whatever she wants.  She again made more comments about the divorce and that she does not want to stay together for the kids. Period. Again the anxiety of the divorce weight so heavily on me.  How will they survive? How will I survive? i'm in a state of emotional shook and it feeling so alone and depress.  I really need help to give over this and probably need a lot of therapy just to manage my emotions and fears.  This divorce is truly killing me.

[ForeverDad]

A side thought:  Be sure you periodically reassure the children that the marriage didn't fail because of them.  Though she's focused on guilting you, it will impact the children too whether or not she takes pot shots at them.  They may not even know how to express it but know that they'll fret that they are responsible somehow.  Lift as much of that burden as you can from their shoulders.  Let them be kids.  This is not a one-time conversation, they need to hear age appropriate assurances that they're not responsible for all the chaos and flying monkeys.

Do the children have access to counselors?  Even school counselors are better than none.

[tmarshal2016]

Please explain this to me:  so I got home from work this evening after going to the store to pick up items she wanted me to purchase (for the kids of course). Right when i got into the house, my wife told me my youngest child does not want to do his homework and would have a tantrum when she had him.  she then began yelling at me basically saying it my fault that my son is the way he is and that she will tell his teacher that " you are the one who is not getting him to do his homework",  and I'm a bad parent. She also purposely wait until I get home then tell me I have to help with my other child homework, which was around 7:45 pm  and they need to eat (they have to be in bed by 9:00 or 9:30) . Now I helping both kids with their homework. She does not want to help them. While she on her phone(Facebook) and watch a movie.  Then  she goes to another bedroom calls her boyfriend and has a conversation in which she's laughing, talking about looking at homes together, going to Hawaii together.  All this was in the house.  how can she be so bold now?  I am convince she really does not care about my children's education or development and the real reason she want custody of them is for the money.  From the conversation I heard with that new guy, she's looking at floor plan, drinking beer with him and trip to other places. It really kills me to know that she can go from yelling at me, call me names and blame me to talking to this guy telling she wish she could see him to how much fun they will have going to Hawaii in the next 2 or 3 years.  Am I crazy?  Why? How can somebody to something like this? How do I not take the blame from her?  She treats me like a true doormat and for the sake of the kids I suck it up.  Even with this divorce, I more confused and scared then ever. I'm always worried about my kids and who this new guy is.  I'm worried she will continue to create conflict in order to get more $$. She can manipulate anything to her benefit and I feel so powerless.  I feel like nothing has change since my initial post in the message board on OCT 2016.  My children are going to suffer and I would not be able to protect them from their mother, who want to be single again and carry on with another guy.  I feel so helpless in this divorce.  A divorce I never wanted and now I feel is necessary for my sanity.  How bold can you be, to call your new boyfriend and know your husband is around to hear that conversation.  It's pure EVIL. and I'm truly in HELL. I feel no matter what I do, everything is truly against me and I 'll never be free of this BP person.  I will always be the victim and will endure this until I die.

[ForeverDad]

She would make comments about take the kids away from me (my children are my soft spot and she knows it)... .

The sad thing is evening everything that she is doing now, she's still seek full legal and physical custody of my children. I believe she want more alimony and child support money.  She will claim my job will constantly request me back on site and I have to be on call from time to time, which is true. Therefore, she need to keep the children. Plus I suspect she does not ever want to work. She's in her mid forties, She never had a job since we have been married.

Two aspects I would like to point out:

1.  My Ex too made hurtful threats about taking away the kids.  When she worked herself up into emotional rants and rages she would say things like "We'll disappear and you won't ever see my son again!" or "Maybe I'll let you see my son sometimes."  It was meant to keep me in line, controlled and appeasing her.  That won't happen, she's playing typical PD emotional warfare.  I'm not saying court will come to your rescue and fix everything to match how you see the family's needs, it won't, it's a judicial system, not a justice system.  But it will be less unfair than her unrealistic perspectives, especially if you stand up for yourself and use strategies that are helpful and proven over time.

2.  You are being manipulated into feeling crushed.  Her demands don't make practical or logical sense but no one will stop her from making extreme demands.  It's up to you to refute and neutralize her demands as much as is feasible.  Of course, she won't listen to you, you have been too close of a relationship with her for her to get past her emotional baggage about you, any reasoning you offer will be ignored and countered.  But just because she won't listen doesn't meant that the professionals in and around domestic court won't eventually listen.  While domestic court is typically favorable to mothers, it's your task to document to the court the reality, that she has issues and behaviors that impact her parenting.  A truism we mention here is that court almost surely will issue less unreasonable orders than she is demanding.  Won't be great, especially at first, but you'll get more crumbs from court than from her.

Nothing new under the sun, we've all been there, done that.  A word that might apply is catastrophizing.  Okay, not a word my spell checker recognizes but do you see how you're being pressured by her tactics?  It's not a total catastrophe!  She may be the Titanic but you and the children don't have to go down that abyss with her.  While you may not get the kids all to yourself, neither will she.

When you face those dark times, when she tries to make you feel hopeless, remember that every storm passes, there's light at the end of the tunnel, yes, times will get better, just weather the storms.