Part 3: The Fallout From My Mom's Recent Death (She had BPD.)

[zachira]

Mod Note:  Part 2 of this thread is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338103.0;all

I have just come back from my long trip which included burying my mom with BPD and attending her memorial service. As expected, many family members do not like me, as I have not bought into the narrative that mom was a great person and wonderful mother. I realize that others had a different experience of my mom and were drawn to her magnetic personality and generosity in entertaining family and friends. Some family members and friends do like and enjoy my company and have been very generous in supporting me.
Unfortunately I am now involved in a very painful family drama with no end in sight. My cousin's son was brought up to be the caretaker of his parents, and has said for years that his only goal in life was to outlive his parents. His extremely abusive father has been deceased for years. Now my cousin's son is talking about wanting to die by Halloween and he is telling anybody who will listen. His plan is to no longer take care of himself. He has severe diabetes, needs a pacemaker, and kidney disease. His mother, my cousin, could care less about her son who is her full time caretaker despite being very ill himself and working a full time job. The man is clearly exhausted and overwhelmed, could easily drop dead any day. He requested that his mother buy him a grave stone for his birthday which she did. His mother has told me how delighted she is that her son likes his grave stone, while knowing that her son has talked about dying for years and more recently about wanting to die ASAP. A few years ago, his mother had the two of them make out identical wills. I have got the community and family involved, am really doing everything I can to help while trying to not make things worse.
My reason for posting is to get support while I live out a nightmare that is worse than seeing my mother abuse my brother who was dying of cancer. This cousin and my mother were good friends and are very similar: charming on the outside while seeing their children as extensions of themselves. My cousin is a narcissist and her son is only meant to exist until she is dies. I told my cousin that her son can no longer take care of her. She said that he is just upset that he cannot eat what he wants while upon further inquiry admits knowing all about his expressed desires to die. Many family members continue to see my cousin as the charming matriach so they are limited in their ability to help her son, while expressing alarm at his desire to die as soon as possible.
In the meantime, my cousin is complaining that I told her she has to go to assisted living which is a lie. This is to make me look bad with the family and some people are very unhappy with me for supposedly saying this and believe her version. The truth is I only told her that her son can not take care of her anymore. A number of my cousin's neighbors who have raised happy successful children, tried for years to get my cousin to let her son move out of the house. My cousin claims that the neighbors told her to kick her son out. I know her closest neighbors and that they would never word things that way. My wording is indeed being manipulated while my cousin basks in all the attention she is now getting while her son's feelings continue to be invalidated. Nothing is likely to change until the family stops being manipulated by my charming cousin. A terrible family tragedy is unfolding and I really can't do more than I am doing now.
 

[Methuen]

A terrible family tragedy is unfolding and I really can't do more than I am doing now.

Nope, you can't.  So don't feel you should try.  

[Harri]

Hi z.  This is quite a mess isn't it?   

What does your cousin, the son, say about what you said to his mom?  Is he thankful for your intervention?  Is he taking action to get help for himself?

[zachira]

I don't know that he knows what I said to his mom. He certainly is enmeshed with her and feels pretty powerless.

[TelHill]

It sounds like you are going through a lot with the recent death of your mother and then hearing about this neglect/drama regarding your family member has your adrenaline up.

I agree that you can't do other than think good thoughts for this person.  You cannot save anyone else. Take care of yourself first.

[Turkish]

I assume that your cousin's son is an adult, yes? Has his mother been unable physically to take care of herself, and now?

If he's suffering physically, and mentally both do to his physical health and likely his mother,  what help is the rest of the family proposing? Solutions? Would it be fruitful at all to propose this to the rest of the family? Like, "what do you think that we as a family can do to help?"

[Avanzando]

First, I want to thank you for sharing that.  I’m new here and still very confused.  One think I’ve been feeling guilty about was I was my crazy thinking that I was being projected into suicide (I’ve discovered this a few months into therapy).  I have physical and mental health issues (as does Mom) and when I’m in between passive and active suicide I finally tell my Mom to lay off so I can get through it (that was my boundary line apparently), my Mom pushes me harder instead and has even tried taking over my suicidal plans to include her and we have to commit suicide her way.  One time I was so upset I told Mom if I successfully commit suicide it would be the only thing I do without her! I feel ashamed for that and for being suicidal. For a couple of months now, learning to recognize the difference between my emotions and Mom’s BPD emotions projected onto me I’ve talked to my therapist about being suicidal enough on my own but when Mom pushes me into an anxiety attack (I never knew I had them before) I turn quickly to actively suicidal.  With your story it confirms my suspicion; I too am an extension and a an emotional shield of my Mom and part of my being suicidal is projection from Mom wanting to commit suicide through me. It’s sad enough to contemplate let alone have confirmed.

Please take my advice with a grain of salt... again I am new here and just preparing to physically separate from my Mom to get away from the psychological games and physical abuse... and I’m coming at this from a woman’s perspective.

Can you invite your cousin to come and visit you and ‘help you out’ with a few things- maybe let him know that you would really like to spend some time with him before he commits suicide.  This gives him a choice and he may feel pressured to comply (I know I would) which would be in his best interest, of course.  If he agrees, find some legitimate things for him to help with and praise him for his effort (parts of us are still like children and we’re so used to never being good enough, a little praise is uncomfortable but treasured at the same time) and for taking time out of his busy schedule to help.  If you’ve been in therapy you’ll have some tools to help you introduce some normalcy into his life, no matter how short- I’m 39 and had no clue I was living abnormally until a couple of years ago, even then I didn’t know how to change it. If he commits suicide, there’s really nothing you could have done to stop it (the choice is his), but you will have tried your best to show him a glimpse of what his life could be if he decides to live.  If he puts off his plans that’s a good sign that he is subliminally receiving enough of your message to want to learn more. I’m 7 months into therapy and realize it is not healthy for Mom or me if I stay; he will need a few months to get comfortable with having choices but the more you pressure him to come and help you out, the more he gets away from Mom.  Maybe a few friends you trust could also ask for some help.  I hate when someone volunteers me for something without asking because it pressures me to comply, whether I really want to or not.

Just a few ideas anyway.  You are an outstanding person for wanting to try to help him out when he’s that far down the abyss. I will keep you both in my prayers.

[Avanzando]

One thing that stood out for me... before I was in therapy was a comment a new friend made.  Mom wanted to not just meet my fiance’s sister (my fiancé gave up because of the abuse), but to live by her though I was not emotionally ready for such a challenge (adding to my suicidal depression).  Shortly afterword, our new friend fell ill and Mom volunteered me to take care of her. After a few days of separation, only coming home at night to take care of responsibilities at home and leaving early morning again, Mom started yelling at me that helping my friend (45 minute drive) was in addition to my regular responsibilities at home, not instead of.  Then she started calling me at my friends house in a rage or a crying jag. This went on for 3 weeks, even though Mom is the one who volunteered me to help.  My friend was learning English but understood enough and she pegged Mom’s emotions and finally she couldn’t take it any more.

She said my Mom behaves like a jealous husband. That was quite a wake up call for me... one of a recent series of wake up calls to the dysfunctional relationship Mom and I have.

Maybe if your cousin’s son comes to help out, you could skillfully introvert a seed that things are not right at home.

[zachira]

Avanzando:

"With your story it confirms my suspicion; I too am an extension and as an emotional shield of my Mom and part of my being suicidal is projection from Mom wanting to commit suicide through me. It’s sad enough to contemplate let alone have confirmed."

I am glad that telling my story is helping you to better understand your relationship with your mom and that she has raised you to be an extension of herself and does not see you as a separate person. It is so sad and terribly tragic yet I see a great deal of courage on your part and hope. I love your online name. Would "going forward" be a correct translation?

"I’m 7 months into therapy and realize it is not healthy for Mom or me if I stay"
Yes, you are absolutely right. Do be patient with yourself as you continue with therapy. You will get there as many have on this site. So many of us, myself included, have suffered for years, not knowing why we were so unhappy, and not realizing how we had been so impacted by a mother that programmed us from birth to be what she wanted and fought every attempt we made to become a separate person from her.

"Just a few ideas anyway"
Great ideas. Thank you.

To everyone who has responded"
My cousin's son is now doing better. Family members that live close by are doing everything to help him, and others are doing everything they can from a distance to help and plan to visit when they can. The community and church are also involved with him. He is no longer the exclusive caretaker of his mother and I believe his mother is getting to a point where she will soon no longer be able to live in her own home. He is taking care of his health and making his own decisions about just what extraordinary measures he wants to take to keep living with such compromised health, which I respect. I have just so wanted him to know that he is more than an extension of his parents that has to die right after they do, because he serves no other purpose. I think he will live out the rest of his life knowing he mattered to others, and is not just a tool for his parents. Thank you all for your responses and caring.

[Avanzando]

It warms my heart to know people are rallying together to let him know that he is valuable and has left a mark in their lives. That’s very encouraging! And to know that he’s getting help to emotionally separate from his Mom and start self-care is a step in the right direction. KUDOS to him and all those extending a helping hand!