Should I Try To Relieve Her Guilt?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My sis recently revealed a bit of her perception regarding our relationship.  She generally is pretty closed-mouthed about that kind of stuff, but it was done in almost third-person narrative so I guess it was easier for her to reveal.  It seems that she thinks that we “can’t get along” because there is something wrong with her, and that I have had to be a buffer between her and society.  She thinks that makes me angry.  And she thinks that when other people get angry with her due to whatever is wrong with her, some of their anger is directed at me.

I don’t see any of this.  From my perspective, we only argue (infrequently, since I’ve stopped rescuing her and other family members) when she accuses me of something untrue, either an action or a thought (yes, she is certain that she knows what I think).  Usually, this happens when she is stressed and she interprets some hidden agenda in something I do or say.  I’m still working on the validation thing and I haven't yet learned to stop defending myself (there are a number of family members who accuse in the same manner).   I usually tell her that her suspicion of me is untrue, which is what leads to our arguments.

When she was telling me these things, it wasn’t a two-way conversation; she just went down her mental list, uninterrupted.  Because it was such a revelation, it seemed that some response was necessary, but I didn’t want to agree or disagree, so I just said, “I don’t see it.”  There was no anger, dismay, or guilt from either of us and we didn’t discuss it further.

For many years, I probably WAS a buffer for her, as she says, but that was back when I didn’t realize there was “something wrong.”  I just thought those people were mean, so I didn’t have anger for her, but for them.  And I have NEVER felt other people’s anger at her directed at me.

Is there any point in trying to set the record straight?  It seems like she’s carrying around this load of guilt about what I’ve had to deal with, but none of it is even accurate.

BTW, I think that she's thinking about this because I have recently (within the last 6 months or so) stopped rescuing her and others.  It was much easier than I expected and has been immensely liberating for me, but I suppose it's a bit baffling for those who are no longer being rescued.  She probably interprets it as me being angry.  (But I actually like my family much better now than I have in years!    )

[Edgewood]

My sis recently revealed a bit of her perception regarding our relationship.  She generally is pretty closed-mouthed about that kind of stuff, but it was done in almost third-person narrative so I guess it was easier for her to reveal.  It seems that she thinks that we “can’t get along” because there is something wrong with her, and that I have had to be a buffer between her and society.  She thinks that makes me angry.  And she thinks that when other people get angry with her due to whatever is wrong with her, some of their anger is directed at me.

I don’t see any of this.  From my perspective, we only argue (infrequently, since I’ve stopped rescuing her and other family members) when she accuses me of something untrue, either an action or a thought (yes, she is certain that she knows what I think).  Usually, this happens when she is stressed and she interprets some hidden agenda in something I do or say.  I’m still working on the validation thing and I haven't yet learned to stop defending myself (there are a number of family members who accuse in the same manner).   I usually tell her that her suspicion of me is untrue, which is what leads to our arguments.

When she was telling me these things, it wasn’t a two-way conversation; she just went down her mental list, uninterrupted.  Because it was such a revelation, it seemed that some response was necessary, but I didn’t want to agree or disagree, so I just said, “I don’t see it.”  There was no anger, dismay, or guilt from either of us and we didn’t discuss it further.

For many years, I probably WAS a buffer for her, as she says, but that was back when I didn’t realize there was “something wrong.”  I just thought those people were mean, so I didn’t have anger for her, but for them.  And I have NEVER felt other people’s anger at her directed at me.

Is there any point in trying to set the record straight?  It seems like she’s carrying around this load of guilt about what I’ve had to deal with, but none of it is even accurate.

BTW, I think that she's thinking about this because I have recently (within the last 6 months or so) stopped rescuing her and others.  It was much easier than I expected and has been immensely liberating for me, but I suppose it's a bit baffling for those who are no longer being rescued.  She probably interprets it as me being angry.  (But I actually like my family much better now than I have in years!    )

[clljhns]

Hi Edgewood,

(yes, she is certain that she knows what I think).  Usually, this happens when she is stressed and she interprets some hidden agenda in something I do or say.  I’m still working on the validation thing and I haven't yet learned to stop defending myself (there are a number of family members who accuse in the same manner).   I usually tell her that her suspicion of me is untrue, which is what leads to our arguments.

This sounds like a common trap that we fall into with a BPD. We want to reassure them that we do not have the thoughts that they somehow know we have, and at the same time we want to reassure them that we do care about them. It is a catch 22, because there really isn't anything we can say or do that will convince them. BPD's are caught in their own world of hidden agendas and deceit, at least from their perspective. I would recommend that you try some of the suggestions in the articles on SET and DEARMAN.

Is there any point in trying to set the record straight?

What do want you hope will come from "setting the record straight?" Has your sister ever shown signs that she trusted what you said and took you at your word? If not, then I am not sure she will now. What do you think?

[Edgewood]

Hi clljhns,

Thanks for the feedback.  Actually, although she is undiagnosed, sis has been through much therapy to overcome substance abuse.  She is also on meds for other issues which greatly impact her BPD emotional issues.  So, overall, she is really quite good.  Yes, she frequently takes me at my word.  Sometimes, she needs a few days to mull things over, but she'll often come around when the emotionally-charged moment has passed.  We are not in a constant battle and can often enjoy each others' company.

What I hope would come from it is that she can let go of any guilt she has from thoughts that I've suffered the anger or judgement of others as a result of her illness.  I haven't.  She'll likely never see that I suffer from behaviors that SHE directs at me, but she doesn't need to be carrying around guilt over things that aren't true.

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Edgewood

Well I'm glad the lines of communication are open between you and your sister. It's also a positive that she has been attempting to try and understand your pov even if it has come out inaccurate!

As you say, sometimes people find it easier to talk in the 3rd person - I have had it pointed out to me in therapy that I do this. I think as you say it's to diminish stress.

You mention that she says things that you don't see and that you acknowledge this - I think that's a great thing. you being honest without being inflammatory goes a long way to reducing conflict.

Validation as it is can be tricky if we don't have a particular goal in mind. I found that with my uBPD mother if I keep in mind that my goal is to  not fight and argue with her it makes it easier.

It's about saying things that you think are true without necessarily agreeing with their POV if you don't/

Eg my mother says "Your brother is so selfish" I say "It's annoying when people are selfish" I have then validated the part that is true for me without actually agreeing with her - my brother is not selfish at all. I go away with having said something I feel is true and without having an argument which will be pointless. What she goes away with is her business - I don't really care - I got my goal. Do you see the difference?

As far as defending yourself, it's so natural and human that it is completely understandable. Again, the trick I think is having a goal.

I find that when I am defending something that is untrue eg "You have such a short attention span!" then it comes down to this: she wants to engage. Any attention from me is better than no attention from me. If I realise that she is just saying words to get me to engage, I can see that to her, it doesn't matter if it's true or not. It's just a provocation. Bait to get me to pay attention to her. Suddenly I lose interest in defending myself

Or if she says "You're so sensitive!" I think "Hm. Being sensitive is a wonderful thing. I am proud that I am sensitive!" again the desire to defend myself simply vanishes.

Is there some way those methods of thinking might be useful to your situation?

About setting the record straight, clljhns asks an excellent question there.  I would also wonder how you define 'setting the record straight'? Does it entail an acknowledgement to you?

In other words do you think you will be validated by your sister?

Ziggiddy

[clljhns]

Hi Edgewood,

I know how important your sister is to you, and I am so glad to hear that you do enjoy spending time together. When we love someone, we love them with our whole heart and unconditionally. We want the best for them, and that means their emotional health as well. The hard part is that they are the only ones who can take care of themselves. It will be your sisters choice as to how she feels about your treatment by others, whether real or imagined. This would also include how her behavior has impacted you. The only thing that you have control over is you.

Does this make sense?

Wishing you all the best!

[Edgewood]

Thanks folks!  No, Ziggidy, I'm not looking for validation.  I guess I was thinking that I would be giving her info to help her stop invalidating herself.  But, as clljhns implied, she will think what she will think. 

I appreciate the feedback.