Broke up with BPD GF after 8 years of on & off hell

[Cyssero4]

It shocks me that I am writing this. That I felt the need to join a forum... .but here goes nothing.

I met her (BPD) when I was 22 & she was 18. I spoke to her on the phone for a few weeks and met up with her twice. Once in public & once at my home. On the second occasion of me ever seeing her in my home we had sex. She stated to me I guess now you are my boyfriend now, (red flag). We were both young but even I knew there was something up then.

I refused that offer, but we kept seeing each other. causally for a few months. Now background on her life.

Initially she told me she was a virgin (however during the first time we had sex she would very aggressively shout "f*ck me" (redflag), when I asked about previous boyfriend she stated she had only 2. One who was 18 when she was 12 (red flag), she never stated how long it lasted!she stated they never had sex but the broke up because he cheated & got someone else pregnant. I told her that was not a healthy relationship she just brushed it off.

The second boyfriend she had been with for about 4/5 years & he was her neighbour she stated they just grew apart, he was 20.We were casual just seeing each other however she always wanted a commitment from me, always asking if I loved her during sex this went on for a year & a half. One time she left her facebook account open, and I saw she had been giving out her number to a few guys (red flag),  I should have been fine with this as we were not together .We stopped speaking when I went on holiday for a few months. When I returned I stated I wanted to take things more serious, she looked unsure but agreed.

Then things started coming out she told me she had been abused by a family member when she was 7 years old (red flag). She told me that no one in her family knew & only people she told were her cousin & me (never mentioned ex's). When challenges started to occur in my personal life such as looking for work after finishing university, she grew distant. She would visit me less, not have sex, speak more on the phone & was very rude/abusive. We could be talking about a song I thought was rubbish & she would over react start shouting, a total overreaction (red flag).

On one occassion she stated she was looking for a job I stated she come to my house so I could help with her CV, (I was employed at this stage). She a agreed she just need to go to the GP (doctors) in the morning. I time started to get late so I started to call, her after few calls she finally answered I asked what happened? I had been waiting. She was very cold & direct "stating I was at the GP (doctors). I probed further stating don't lie to me, I know you were not. She finally admitted she had gone to she her second ex. She stated they kissed nothing more she cried & stated she was sorry. I stupidly asked her if she wanted to break up she cried no. She came to she me the next day & we had sex (red flag).

A year later things were really bad with arguments & lies. She looked me in the eye and stated she did not want to be with me. I accepted it & had NC with her for 4 months randomly I got a call from her, requesting to see me. She never mentioned where she had been or why she was back (red flag). We had sex, but I went NC again right after for week or so. I knew that she was trying to used sex to reel me in at that time I was not that weak & thought I'm not playing that game with you.When I went NC the first time I learnt about BPD the backgrounds of many of the people that had it, the characteristics of mood and behaviour she exhibited all of them.

She called me asking what was up saying she had not heard from me since the night we had sex. I told her I don't want to play games, I would not be used & why did she get in contact with me. She started crying saying she missed me and she had made huge mistake & so many things were happening in her life (bull___). I gave her another chance because I believed people could change (wrongly). PS when I was away from her I gain perspective, thing in my life were ok I was young, worked in finance, my family were healthy, good friends money, freedom, attracting women. So why was I feeling out of control when I was with this girl, like my life was terrible. My outlook was skewed when we were together (toxic).

One day I was at her house & I found a birthday card, newish looking from her ex. I confronted her about it she stated she kept all her birthday cards from the past.(redflag) I let it go. Then I found CONDOMS! (in her room) a woman keeping condom!I had only recently started seeing her again. She said the were to use with me.

I told her I was done, but she cried and begged stating that she needed me (bull___), she didn't want to hurt me. Like an idiot, I moved passed it.

On several different occasion over the years things subsequently came out:
Her father did when she was 11, her mother lives in a different country. She was raised by her 2 brothers and 4 sisters.
She had 2 abortions with that ex before she met me.
She had more than 2 ex's.
She had been not stop seeing her ex even after meeting me (7 years), until by chance the three of us had meet up in the same vicinity. From his reaction it became clear that he was unaware she was seeing me.He looked devastated and confused he did not confront me as we know each other from the town (although I had heard about him from incident when I caught her lying the first time).
She had gone to see a counsellor about being in love with two people.
She was having unprotected sex with both of us. (this came out years later)
She had bad mouthed me to her family saying I was controlling.
She had asked me for money to clear some debts, but spent it on other things (I saw the statements).
she was very active with male "friends" on social media alway hiding her phone (micro cheating)
She also had an unusally close relationship with her brother in law (sisters husband). One even members of her family have highlighted points about.
She was a compulsive liar-she would lie about thing so insignificant, have you seen my phone? no but she was sitting on it.
She would lie to her family & say she was with me when she wasn't she had sent me texts by accident (red flag)

This monday (13.02.18) I was at work & she had claimed to at home I heard laughter in the back ground I confronted her, she aggressively denied it. she started shouting, swearing stating "Unless you are going to leave work & see who's in my house, what are you going to do!" kept question my manhood.

I confronted on monday after work  & on tuesday evening. She stated that she made mistakes in the past & I can get past her mistakes after I have stayed so long. I  stated "IF YOU DON' WANT TO BE WITH ME JUST LEAVE!" she she was scared about my mental health (it's all in my head).

Yesterday, called from work during my lunch hour, she answered after a few rings, breathing heavy sounding far from the phone, I asked what was going on (but I knew) she stated I'm insane, I told her it was over & cut off the phone. She called me back 8 times & I answered i stated "whatever guy you are in the house with now, tell him he is a dick head, I not going to be on the phone while you are f*cking!, he can have you. I also said never call me again. I cut off the phone & changed my number immediately.

I felt such relief because I knew she was lying, my gut told me after all my experiences. I kept thinking after all these red flags the fact that she cheated on me before and her ex before(with me). She was never really my GF. She used me & him & probably others. That guy whether he was an ex or a new guy will get his turn too.

But really I why did I think she could change, religion? Why did involve myself with her when I say the signs before hand, she was very attractive. But prior to being with her I has only one serious relationship that did not work out due to cheating also. I did not believe I had issues with selfworth, I have been with very attractive women casually all the time before that, I never wanted a serious relation she would pressure me (that's not an excuse by the way). I have never really doubted my confidence or attractiveness, this person really tried to f*ck with my head.

For many years I have felt that this had been dragging on,  I even started to resent her. But why didn't I leave? am I codependent? not sure, When I have fallen out with friends & family I have cut them out of my life & progressed on to achieve great things for my self. So why was not able to do this before with this BPD.

I feel resilient & strong but slightly frustrated because I would repeatedly say after the first time she left, "IF YOU DON' WANT TO BE WITH ME JUST LEAVE!" I said this throughout the time we were together just be honest. She said if she wanted to leave she would have. Why didn't she admit wanting to be with someone else & go I would have been cool with that, it's like she wanted to purposely inflict pain & harm on me why?

Let me just be real last year she got pregnant twice. First time I stated I was not ready (I was scared because of our history & that it was not healthy situation to bring a baby into plus the idea of BPD Mother, ps that is not justification, it is just how I truly felt). She probably despises my guts for that.The second time she had a miscarriage. 

Safe to say it was never going to work but why did I put myself through this I met her at 22, I am 30 now! f*ck me... .any insight or thoughts would be greatly appreciated. PS I'm from the UK (BOSTON CELTICS WILL MAKE IT OUT OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE BABY)

[randomuser94]

We are all here for you. Tough times for you with her.
You sure are a tough guy for being able to keep your sanity after 8 years of what you've described.

You make me feel bad for complaining about my story. I'm codependent myself and i hate the fact that their attention is like a drug... .every dose is like another nail in the coffin and deep inside you know this.
  I don't think i can advice you in anything. I just brokeup with my exGF(2.6years) and I'm trying to decide if i trully want to accept her back or not. Every story i read scares me even more, but the drug is already in my blood. As I said earlier my case is not that painful as yours, but still... .

All i can tell you is that don't think for a second that it's something you did wrong. You got atracted to her this much because they mirror you. It's impossible not to fall in love with your female version. Use the time you have to regain yourself. A circle of friends will help a lot. Don't be affraid to talk to them either. In time you will be able to search for a partner but this time you have the experience.
  Always keep in mine that you have to break contact with her in every possible way-no exceptions. Without  the help of a proffesional, years of treatment and their acceptance nothing will ever change. Things will go worse for her, don't stick yourself to her.

  Never fall for her trap again. She will try every possible way to reach you again when she will feel lonely but keep in mind that just like she begs for you, begs for every ex she had. You deserve better so why not search for it when you will be ready?
 

[Jeffree]

Safe to say it was never going to work but why did I put myself through this I met her at 22, I am 30 now! f*ck me... .any insight or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Why did you put yourself through this? Take a look around this place. Pretty much everyone here has been asking themselves that very question. It haunts us.

The answers vary from person to person, BPD to BPD, relationship arrangement to relationship arrangement, country to country.

Chances are your beginning with her was stupendous. The makeup s3x was incredible. She told you wonderful things about your presence in her life that you thought indicated that she truly loved you. She shared her innermost secrets with you. You thought you could help. You had great intentions, could provide her with that which it seemed she needed.

It makes no sense that she would reject you, cheat on you, make your head a mess.

Above all else she has to protect herself from the fear of abandonment. You just got sucked up into that vortex.

You realize the Celtics aren't all Celts, right? 

J

[Red5]

Cyssero4

WOW !

Your story sounds like my first marriage... .ALL of it.

I met her on a blind date, I was eighteen, she was sixteen.  

She got pregnant, so we got married, circa 1983, then she had a miscarriage on her seventeenth birthday, less then three weeks after we got married... .I was so sad : (

I joined the military, I was so naïve  ,  

To make a long story short, she also told me she was sexually abused   from age seven to about thirteen.

We had three children together, she cheated on me many times, she had several abortions from "hook-ups" behind my back, .I divorced her, and then remarried her later on (sex is a powerful tool for a woman)... .then she finally went off the deep end, and we divorced for good.

I became a single father.

Now I am remarried to another lady, & why did I ever think of such a thing  .

I am almost positive that my current wife also has the same type of childhood trauma, but she hides it too well, but it will come out one day, she got married when she was sixteen as well, to a man who was twenty-two at the time  .

Live and learn, and hang in there Cyssero4 !

I was married to my first wife for twenty-two years  

Life is crazy !  

Red5

[Pretty Woman]

 
Cyserros, as Jeffree stated, why do you think you stayed if you noticed all these  ?

There is no wrong answer here, I am just curious. While we cannot fix your ex we can work on why you stayed with her... .that is fixable. It's a process to pull focus off our exes when their actions have wounded us so badly but we cannot control their actions and they are ex's... .they are in our past, not our present and hopefully not our future.

What have you learned about yourself, your choices as you recover from this relationship?

PW

[Cyssero4]

Cyserros, as Jeffree stated, why do you think you stayed if you noticed all these  ?

What have you learned about yourself, your choices as you recover from this relationship?

1) In all honesty, my first “serious relationship” was between the ages of 17-20. We were a year apart in age and had similar interests. Both academically intelligent, she was very attractive & got a lot of attention. When I met her she had a boyfriend & I was not interested. Over time we spoke on the phone & things progressed we met up & kissed a few times she broke it off with her ex & she asked to be with me (red flag), I told her I did not want that. But I was reluctant to let go of my new connection. I’m the end she at different points she Met & up with her ex. She also ending up hooking up with other guys. She would say she did not know why, I was young & it hurt me. Tried to get passed it but she went to university & finished with me. Ps there was an abortion that took place also. Her father abandoned her family when she was 8 and started a new one. She had a very domineering mother & she had a physically violet relationship where th her younger brother (2 years years younger) he would beat her up & pull out her hair.

After that relationship ended I began to focus on myself study harder, dress better went on holidays with the guys & met new women

My ex contacted me a few times after, I felt vindicated I did not miss her really but she did cross my mind. But I came to the conclusion that break up was the best thing for me to grow. I had been seeing a lot of women causally but never had the desire to go through that experience of loving someone like that again I was a little bitter also, fact was I gave her everything but it was not good enough. Then after a while I stumbled in to my current ex, she seemed to have potential however I was weary. I gave it a chance, wanted it to work I guess. But I’m done with women now for a while. I will be focusing on me now. Funny thing is when I look at the similarities in their backgrounds, I realised I had a type. So if I meet an attractive women that seems to tick all the boxes now (red flag) I may engage in casual sex or steer clear altogether.

2) I have learnt to trust my gut instinct, if it looks to good to be true... it is, my instincts screamed everyday I something was wrong but my heart hope it was wrong. My instincts have always been correct.Also stay away from being “in love”. Love through actions more & emotions less.i know I will come out on top.

[Red5]

Cyssero4,

You wrote... .2) I have learnt to trust my gut instinct, if it looks to good to be true... it is, my instincts screamed everyday I something was wrong but my heart hope it was wrong. My instincts have always been correct.

BINGO !

Trust your gut, it won't let you down!... .I wish I had so many years ago... .another life lesson learnt the hard way... .

Red5