|
ziniztar
|
 |
« on: April 18, 2014, 06:27:46 AM » |
|
Hi,
I think I'm struggeling with the answer to three questions:
• Do I know which values need to be yielded and compromised in order to have a relationship?
• What are legitimate / fair values (vs selfish values)?
• How do I respond when someone is trying to violate or test my value/boundaries?
And they all come down to one main theme: when do we see each other and how much effort do we both put into making that happen?
My dBPDbf lives ina city approx 30 minutes away (car/public transport).
We try to see each other twice a week, if our work allows us to.
I work regular office hours between 9:00 – 18:00., 5 days a week.
He works in the service industry hours ranging from 16:00 - 4:00 am. He has a second job he loves which is very irregular which makes him get out of bed at 6 am in the morning during workdays, usually until 15:00h. This can be schedules once or 4 times in a week; it ranges. He gets a schedule a month in advance but many shifts are switched and he wants to work as much as possible (= sense-of-self = he feels valued = self-esteem = money). I get that.
When we started dating he had three regular shifts in the bar he works in. I was ok with not seeing each other during weekends as we had so many other options. I knew that having a night + morning together was going to be difficult but I was ok in making an effort in making that happen. Taking a day off once in a while, whatever.
Due to a pregnancy leave of his boss this now changed into 6 days a week. Plus irregular shifts during the day. I have to add that if he needs to get up really early, he needs to sleep in his own city because he won’t make it in time if he doesn’t as he usually uses public transport and there are no trains yet in the morning.
I’ll show you my past week.
Saturday: I came to his city during the night. Waited until he was ready at work, we went out together until 6am.
Sunday: Slept until 14:00. I knew he had planned band practice on Sunday (in my city – on the only free day we had together in weeks) at 16:00 so we agreed to sleep at my place on Sunday night. “Oh yeah I have to be in my city tonight as I have another shift at 6am tomorrow so we need to go back. You can stay here if you want.”
NO I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE ALONE, I WANT TO SPEND SOME TIME ALONE WITH MY BOYFRIEND.
So we travel to his city, cook, and have a lovely evening together. I enforced this (because I needed some time together –not with friends) and he actually liked it and mentioned this to me as well.
Monday: he gets to my place at around 19:00. I told him that it didn’t really matter to me and what time he’d be there but that I wanted to eat around 20:00. Yay for the effective boundary. PS: he cancelled (the other) band practice that night for me to make sure we would see each other.
Tuesday: he works, I work, he calls around 18:00 with Facetime. We talk for about an hour.
Wednesday: he works, I work, I call around 18:00, we talk for 15 minutes.
Thursday: he works, I work. He calls me at 15:00 during work. I talk to him for 5 minutes and then explain to him I need to get back to work. I feel like I have to answer because otherwise I won’t talk to him at all on days like this. I ask him if he has time to call during the night, he ignores it. After some clarification he feels that there is not a right answer. “Yes” means he needs to promise to call but the night can go crazy and I’ll get mad if he doesn’t. “No” means I get sad about us not talking an entire day. “Maybe” means insecurity which I hate as well and he feels bad about giving that option as well. He called to check how I’m doing but in the mean time speaks to cash registers and random people at the street while talking or “listening” to me.
I send him a few texts in the evening and he doesn’t respond at all. When I wake up this really hurts me, it feels like I’m not important to him. I get really angry and carry it to work.
Friday: I work, he works. He calls me during lunchtime. We talk for about 20 minutes. Says “oh when can we see each other again”, which really annoys me.
Saturday: he works in the afternoon. The only option to see him is if I’d go to him. Which I won’t.
Sunday: he makes an effort in traveling to my parents for an Easter Brunch. He has to work again at 16:00.
The thing is: I’m really not sure if my need for attention and comfort is reasonable. He makes quite some effort into doing the things that are important to me (agrees in having a night together after I clearly communicate it to him, calls me, is there for me at a brunch event with my family). But it somehow doesn’t feel satisfying, like it’s never enough, I get angry all the time. I’ve seen this anger as a treat of being emotionally neglected as a child (guilty! Mom passed away when I was 5 and my father was a very dominant man that doesn’t has the word Listen in his vocabulary).
Getting back to the boundaries again: how do I create values and set boundaries about the amount of time we spend together, if I can’t be sure it’s reasonable on my part? This 6 days a week work thing is obviously not working for me but it is a temporary situation given the pregnancy leave. How long do I accept it? He’ll probably find other reasons to work more in the future. I could see this working if we live together, but this entails moving to another city for me (which I’m ok with doing given multiple reasons, but not right now) so that won’t change for another year or so. Also, he tends to let me know how much he misses some of his other friends that he now can’t see because he is in a relationship with me. We are all fighting for the little hours he has available for people working office hours (which do most of his important friends). I notice I'm meeting up with his friends and we never get time alone, which I so desparately need. I explained this to him the other day and he seemed to get it. I don't need all of his undevoted attention but at least a few hours a week is what I call a relationship.
In all this I have to add he is comorbid BPD and ADHD so his planning skills aren’t the best in the world. He’s discussing medication with his T/P and also looking at options of more structural help than 1 hour a week of therapy. So he’s really really making an effort in changing things – a dealbreaker for me, as is cheating.
Sorry for the long post but I could really use help in setting clear boundaries in this part for me. Sometimes I’d rather agree not to “try” to talk to each other on a particular day than having to think about it all day and then feeling really unsatisfied with a 5 minute call while he is doing groceries...
|
