Sibling Roles

[_inthelight_]

I recently discovered information about sibling roles and the drama triangle but they seemed like such complex concepts. I’m having a hard time identifying which sibling role I identify most with. I was wondering if it’s possible for an individual to take on multiple roles at the same time?

I would like to be able to see how I fit in my family dynamic but I’m struggling with that. I’m contemplating whether seeing myself in multiple roles is rooted in reality, a trait of a PD in myself or lack of a accurate sense of self. Does anyone have any thoughts or personal insight you’d be willing to share?

[Harri]

Which sibling roles are you talking about?  Lost child, scapegoat, etc?  I think there can be some back and forth between the roles. 

[_inthelight_]

Hi Harri! Thank you for commenting. : )

I’m referring to the ones you mentioned and their counterparts.  I’ve been researching and found different variations of them but primarily I’ve seen caretaker, scapegoat, Golden child, lost child and mascot/clown.

In my family, the golden child tends to be the one who needs the most from my parents. If I had to narrow it down, I think I identify most with the scapegoat, lost child and caretaker roles. Those 3 seem totally at odds with each other which makes me even more confused. I see some of my siblings as having traits of multiple roles so I’m wondering if the roles can be fluid or if my perceptions are skewed.

[Kwamina]

Hi again _inthelight_

If I had to narrow it down, I think I identify most with the scapegoat, lost child and caretaker roles. Those 3 seem totally at odds with each other which makes me even more confused. I see some of my siblings as having traits of multiple roles so I’m wondering if the roles can be fluid or if my perceptions are skewed.

I think your perceptions are quite accurate and the roles can indeed be fluid.

The dynamics within a family aren't fixed, so the roles people assume or are cast in can change. Also what is projected onto someone from their BPD parent can change. In my family for instance growing up, my oldest sister was totally seen by my uBPD mother as the golden all-good child while she viewed my other sister as all-bad. As the youngest child I witnessed this as an observer, but after my older siblings moved out, the family dynamics changed. My mother started splitting me since I was the only one around, so at times I was considered all-good while at others all-bad. This was very confusing and both these extreme roles felt very uncomfortable because I knew they weren't a reflection of what I considered reality, yet at the same time I was stuck living in my mother's reality.

Just some Board Parrot reflections

[freespirit]

Hi _inthelight_ 

Great topic, this is something that I am looking into myself at the moment, and wondered the exact same question. 

Thanks for posting, I am following your thread with interest 

 

 

[Notwendy]

I was painted black from the beginning. Most parents record baby's milestones in the baby book " she can count to 10". My mother recorded my behavior from the terrible twos- tempter tantrums, described me as uncooperative and difficult ( aren't all two year olds?)
She prefers a sibling as the golden child. As adults, we have the same roles but they can change if she's angry at one of us.

[_inthelight_]

Thanks everyone for your input! I read that sometimes people that have grown up in dysfunctional homes, have a distorted sense of self. Initially, I thought my inability to identify with one in particular might be a lack of a clear sense of self. It helps to think of roles within a family as fluid.

In my own family, the golden child tends to be the one(s) who are experiencing or creating the most drama. I have literally  been told by my parents, “the squeaky wheel gets the oil, that’s just how it is”. The children that are the most well adjusted tend to either be ignored or scapegoated for “not needing” my mom. It’s a strange reality.

[madeline7]

In my family, the Golden Child was the oldest, and the one who was most enmeshed and caused little to no conflict with Mom. The middle child was quiet and the youngest, me, was the mascot/clown. As we became adults, the oldest became the scapegoat and I ended up as the caretaker. Now that Dad is gone and Mom is elderly, the you know what has hit the fan and the shift has been dramatic. I am now the scapegoat. The only constant has been the borderline... .irrational, manipulative and demanding.

[Harri]

Hi.  Sorry, I dropped off there for a bit but I see you have had some great responses here.

Roles definitely can be fluid.  You also mentioned the drama triangle.  I am not sure if we have already talked about this but we have an article here that talks about the Karpman Drama Triangle here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle  that I hope will be more helpful to you.

See what you think.  It may be easier to see how your role played out in the triangle than it is to see your sibling role.

[chronsweet]

Hi Harri! Thank you for commenting. : )
In my family, the golden child tends to be the one who needs the most from my parents. If I had to narrow it down, I think I identify most with the scapegoat, lost child and caretaker roles. Those 3 seem totally at odds with each other which makes me even more confused. I see some of my siblings as having traits of multiple roles so I’m wondering if the roles can be fluid or if my perceptions are skewed.

I have a thought on this.  If we are talking about a person with BPD, from what I have read, they 'split'.  They see people in black and white.  You are either on their side with them, or you have done something that rocks the relationship and you become real bad/real fast.  I personally think that I also am the caretaker and scapegoat in my family.  I can also be the Golden Child.  But this can be dispensed very fast and radically and then I am in charge of a new role.  I think it goes back to that black and white splitting, personally.

An example, and I want to say first that I love my brother.  But, he has made some very bad life choices and doesn't have his life together.  In this respect, I am the 'Golden Child'.  I am the responsible one.  I have my life together and generally I make intelligent decisions and stay that course.  Well, in the most recent incident, where I have been disowned, I have become all bad, 'the scapegoat' and my brother has stepped into the limelight as 'the golden child'.  I got a few texts of your brother didn't even ask for this (i did) and thus I am all bad, again.  It is very strange though that my brother does get told what he needs to do as far as responsibilities.  Things like you need to pay your insurance, you need to stay the responsible course, etc.  She used to get mad at him as a teenager and break his stuff.  But, she has never to my knowledge disowned him and said the venomous things that she says to me, to him.  I feel like the scapegoat role is shared between me, my niece (she treats her like she used to treat me as a kid, I cringe) and my step-dad.  My brother seems to not care as much when she freaks out and will just ignore her.  He will go weeks without talking to her with no explanation.  Perhaps he doesn't give her as much power as I do.  She seems to not be able to let me have any power over her.  Not that I want it, but it is almost like a demand from her in our relationship.  She keeps me in my place and has said as much.

I too worry if I have PD traits but when I review how I am with people and in my own relationship with my son, I don't think I do.  I almost think if you are worrying about it and would do anything to solve it if you did, you probably don't.  If that makes any sense.  Having the ability to see your interactions with people and realize that you are not perfect and contribute to interactions, in essence 'self-reflection', is not a hallmark of having PD traits.  It is the exact opposite of that.  It is the unwillingness to self-examine your interactions with people in life that defines being BPD, NPD, etc.  There are also variations, from what I have read, of the PD traits.  Meaning you can be severely NPD or perhaps just a little.  Literature mentions the fact that we are all a 'little' narcissistic after all.