School Event Together

[Free One]

S8's school is having an end of school event together. UBPDexh texted to ask if I am going. I am (had to arrange cover at work to be able to make it). I am guessing that means he'll be there too (he doesn't work, so schedule is wide open; he seems to always be available for the "fun" school stuff).

It's making me very anxious. Although I see ex on a regular basis for exchanges, this will be the first school event since the divorce that we are attended together. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of all the triggers... . him "flirting", laughing and trying to be suave and funny with the moms. Him texting. Him pretending and acting like there's not a big fat elephant in the room (all the cheating he did). I don't know if I can handle this. I don't want to go, but son really wants us both to go.

I wish I didn't feel this way anymore. I wish dealing with ex didn't bring on such anxiety. I'm tired of feeling like this.

[Matt]

You don't have to go "together".  Lots of people will be there - you won't be "together" with any of them... .

You can sit by each other if you want to, but you don't have to.  You don't have to talk to him at all - your choice.

At 8, your son might struggle with this stuff a little, but he'll be OK as long as you're both there and focused on him.

[Free One]

Thanks Matt. No, we are not really going "together". However, the nature of the event will involve us sitting together with out son. I know I don't have to talk to him, but I am still very easily triggered by his behaviors. Although it's something I'm working on, it's not a choice to have a physically anxious response to him.

I *know* in my mind my anxiety is not rational; but I can't stop feeling anxious about it and it's frustrating to me. Seeing him still triggers my flight/fight response.

[Matt]

Put your son between you, and focus on him.

If you know any other parents, maybe they could sit beside you, so you won't be tempted to focus on your ex.

[Ishenuts]

Free One - I TOTALLY understand. This is the worst part of it all. I see my exNPDh almost everyday (we share 50/50) because of my DS 10's involvement in sports and ex's presence at any school event. He even coaches some of his teams! The flirting, playing with his phone (checking t see if there are any new Match.com victims, perhaps?), and generally acting like "dad of the year". It turns my stomach. If I don't go, to avoid him, then my DS gets upset, and the ex, in alienation mode (always his goal) uses it to his advantage, "Gee, I guess Mom doesn't care about your sports". AGHHHHHH! 

Fortunately, I have other mom friends there who know the "scoop" and we can laugh about it behind his back. Even the people who are initially impressed by him see the arrogance and dishonesty pretty quickly.

But it is uncomfortable for me and I wish he'd just go away!

[hell0kitty]

I know the feeling, I have anxiety for every school even because of BPDex.  She usually doesn't speak to me, but she does sit across the room and stare at me and shake.  I also know that she has told everyone at the school that will listen that my wonderful sweet boyfriend and her have a "history of domestic violence".  So some of the parents treat me with kid gloves, like they are ready to swoop in and rescue me from the big bad abuser at any moment.  Which is hilarious due to the fact he is the kindest man I've ever met and has never so much as raised his voice around me in 3 years.

I just take a lot of deep breaths, focus on the kids, and try to not look at her.  I just go about my day as if she were a stranger, and try to repress the anxiety.  I usually have to pee 20 times because of the anxiety, otherwise I survive it.

Good luck to you! If it makes you feel any better, it does get easier each time. 

[Thunderstruck]

This is an issue with all breakups, I think. I've broken up with nons and still feel anxiety like this when I see them around. Just be aware that it's your feeling that are projecting these things onto your ex. He isn't flirting with the moms or playing with his phone or trying to hurt you. He's probably just acting how he always does and you're attributing that with all the pain and hurt he's caused.

I'd say sit in front of him (with your back to him) so you're not constantly observing and analyzing his behaviors. Otherwise it'll drive you crazy!

[Free One]

I made a plan to sit by and talk with one of my friends. My sis was there too, but ex didn't show anyway... . so it was a big relief. It was a lovely event and I'm really glad I went. Just looking forward to the time with these things don't come with anxiety.

Thanks everyone for the tips. I read through them before I went and was able to feel calm before going.

Thunderstruck - No, it's not just me projecting. He does flirt and the phone thing triggers me because of the affairs he had... . and all the texts etc, with his girlfriends at the time that he hid. I know he does it now in front of me to boost his self esteem and feel good about the fact he has someone, but it's still very hard.