Tdugan I sincerely apologize if my response in any way hurt your feelings. I did not mean to. I probably should have explained my point of view more thoroughly and differently.
I suggested they read and understand more about what is going on when someone invokes the silent treatment.
Did you read up on the differing points of view here on the board on silent treatment? Some of us are of the mindset that it can often come from a need to protect oneself or being shell shocked. Others feel like it is manipulation. In my experience it is not intentional (and therefore not manipulation). In my original post where I started this thread I made the statement that I thought my pwBPD was using ST as a way to manipulate me. LivednLearned stepped in to offer a different POV, and what they said about it is what I usually agree with and had previously experienced. My follow up on this thread is basically retracting my original statement (of manipulation).
Apparently, this is not the high level discussion board it claims to be in the No Run Message warning.
I just want to again say Im very sorry if my words were harsh. This is a forum with many different voices. Mine is just one. I do not represent this board, Im only a regular member like you. Please dont get frustrated with an entire community if my expressed opinion offended you. I will try to express my opinions more gently from hereon.
If your partner is empathetic then he has comprehension of how his actions hurt you but chooses to do it anyway. That would be the definition of abuse.
A person can be highly empathetic at most times, but under extreme stress experience a diminished capacity for empathy. This is pretty common actually and applies to more than pwBPD.
To knowingly treat someone badly with the inherent purpose of changing their state of being.
That sounds very painful. This has not been the case with my pwBPD. Have you read up on BPD and comorbidity?
IMO using words like they/them, abuse, manipulation and victim doesnt help when trying to improve a r/s with a pwBPD. I see those words on the Detaching board and the Conflicted board and because Im here to improve I am personally avoiding those kinds of discussions. Im finding that the more I avoid that thinking the better my r/s gets. Im just sharing what is working for me and what isnt, in the hopes it can help someone.
My ex I believe is a beautiful and wonderful person. That does not matter if her wounding allows her license to hurt others.
Nobody has a right to hurt another person. But you cant apply the same rules to a relatively healthy person mentally, to someone who is constantly operating out of fight/flight mode. You can try, but you will only get frustrated. I call it "rubber ducks dont swim". You cannot force a behavior out of someone who doesnt have the capability for it. A BPD can be taught to swim if they are open to it but until that happens youre only hitting your own head on a brick wall if you apply the same rules to them as the so called Non's.
The word victim was used appropriate by me. All it means is someone suffering from and adverse circumstance outside their control. Choosing to allow it or not does not change that.
Well first of all Im not allowing it, I am looking at how I am contributing to the situation (which Ive done plenty of) and doing my best to stop making things worse. Its from the tools. I am setting boundaries, struggling a bit with them but trying my best, I am being patient with myself but I am also making a huge effort to respond with empathy.
Sometimes when a fellow BPD victim is on the outside of their relationship it might seem condescending. Its not meant that way by me.
The word victim can be helpful for you, thats fine by me. I think you should do whatever works best for you to heal. But you say "fellow victim" and I felt the need to declare that I cant see myself as a victim in any way. I am very aware that this is my choice. I can stay or I can leave.
Clearly your partner is demonstrating unacceptable behavior that is causing you harm and pain.
I have also caused him harm and pain. Im starting with fixing me and hoping he reciprocates. Long story short he is. He has completely stopped name calling and 2 days ago when his temper swelled, he walked out of the room, calmed down, came back and talked about his rage calmly. I was absolutely blown away by this new thing. Im reaping HUGE rewards since I started this approach, started learning the tools and applying them. I am choosing to focus on what is being gained and the progress we are making. Maybe his behavior comes from manipulation, maybe it is abusive. Im just saying its not helping me one bit by thinking about it that way. Instead I am focusing on what is working for us.
Because I would love to have someone explain in detail how I actually broke the boards rules.
Oh I didnt think you broke the board rules. I was saying this is the board where we are looking for solutions to improve the relationship.
Here is the sort uninformed but solid answer I guess might have been better given but equally not heard.
Reach out two times in a normal casual way. The third time reach out and include how their behavior of not responding is making you feel and make it clear it is your last attempt to reach out to them.
I tell my pwBPD every now and then that I dont like it when he doesnt reply. The thing is he is expecting harsh words from me because he has gotten them in the past. Sometimes he is afraid of checking messages from me. I know I am a part of this dynamic and that I have contributed to the problem. What is working for me is keeping contact with him and get on with our life together. That assures him Im not leaving (which is what he is afraid of).
