She ended up sleeping with a man for money and has been talking to him since

[Spam591]

I cut my wife of 3 months off financially after she told me I was a dude paying her way through school. She said she meant it. Then said she was going on dating sites. Then ignored me for three days. So I cut her cc. She ended up sleeping with a man for money and has been talking to him ever since.

This week I spent time with her. I gave her access to money again. Bought her a new car (hers was stolen), gave her some cash as security.

I asked her to cut off this new guy and show me screenshots. She is telling me no. She says she doesn’t trust me. She also brags to me about how great he is. She is now demanding $20k in a n account and is saying then she will cut him off. Because she doesn’t trust me.

She keeps repeating this and then ignoring my calls, texts, or whatever. I want to mutually work through this. She is giving me ultimatums and shutting me out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hart_Payne]

Sorry to say, but don't give one bloody cent to her. She's taken advantage of your feelings and is using against you. If this other guy is so great he can pay for everything. This is tactic that BPDs use. If its not about them, then you're the bad guy.

By giving her money you're enabling her problem. If she doesn't speak to you, it may be hard, extremely hard, but you'll have to deal with it. If you give in, she'll keep doing it. People don't learn until they are put through the test. Of course you'll be every name in the book, but ignore that get some respect from her.

Demand some respect. Ultimatums is a game to you feel weak and powerless. If she needs something, then she has to give back.

[once removed]

its a rock and a hard place to put it mildly.

i dont think money in order for her to stop seeing someone is a viable solution. on the other hand, cutting her off originally was reactive, and didnt play out well.

i think returning to whatever the old financial arrangement was as husband and wife is reasonable, and a good faith effort. right now, i would not go beyond that.

what else happened when you spent time with her this week? how did it go?

[Spam591]

Well. She threatened going on a date tonight with a guy she has been talking to if I don’t open up an account and Meet all of her  financial demands to ensure i won’t pull the plug again. She says she doesn’t trust me.

I kept telling her I will make sure she feels secure but I’m not going to be threatened with other people for her to get what she wants.


And she left. She is currently on the date... .just wow. WOW

Instead of a simple five minute chat. She decides to go on this date. Sounds to me like she is exploring this and thinks I’ll be around if it doesn’t work.

[once removed]

have you spoken since?

[Spam591]

have you spoken since?

Nope! She is still out on a date with this guy.

I looked through her computer. She has been texting this guy for about two weeks now.

[Q-DawgVFR]

I don't know how much time you had invested in this relationship before marriage, or if kids are involved.  But this sounds like pretty extreme behavior this early on in the marriage: If you have no kids together, I would say (I am being very opinionated here) it is time to go your separate ways.  You are being used and discarded and you deserve better treatment than this.  She has made her choice, and it wasn't you.  She is doing you a favor, as you are seeing her true colors early on, and she is torching her world with you.  If you aren't terribly invested (time, kids), I would really question the point of trying to work on such a difficult relationship.

You can move on and learn from the experience.  And eventually find something much better for yourself.  You deserve to be loved and valued.  Not emotionally terrorized.

And no I am not trying to demonize those who have BPD.  It is an awful thing they have going on inside their heads.  But it is not up to you to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.  (Ask me how I know, .  I learned the hard way and it took a while.)

[Harri]

Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

You can read the additional guidelines for this board under "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0
[/quote]

[Q-DawgVFR]

Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult problems. Please allow them the opportunity.

You can read the additional guidelines for this board under "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56303.0

My apologies.  Not my place to say stay or go.  I am new and still learning the rules of the forum and forgot about that important one. 

I guess the point I was trying to make is that this situation would seem a very difficult situation this early in a marriage.  Perhaps OP might want to evaluate the cost/harm to oneself trying to keep relationship afloat, when it seems she has already chosen to leave unless a "ransom" is paid.  Is there a resolution that doesn't give in to the BPD partner's demands?  Perhaps waiting it out for a while might allow them to come around... .I don't know.  "Chasing her" hasn't personally worked out well for me.

I believe that people are more important than the relationships they are in, and hope the OP is successful in a resolution that results in them being treated with more respect and not being emotionally abused.

[Spam591]

She called me a dozen times yesterday from a blocked number. The first time I answered not knowing who it was. I said “hello” she said “ YOURE ON DATING SITES!” I then hung up without saying anything. Then throughout the day she calls a bunch.

What does this mean? I feel like this is classic domestic abuse. She thinks she can do whatever and still have control over me.

I literally watched my wife put make up on, a black dress, highheals and walk out the door to spend the night with another man. The whole time I was saying “ what are you doing? We are married. Where is your commitment?” She was silent.

[once removed]

are you on dating sites?

[Spam591]

are you on dating sites?

No. But I am now ha

[GaGrl]

Try a time shift exercise... .imagine yourself in this marriage in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years - with no change in your wife's behavior.

What would you need to do to maintain the marriage under those circumstances? What can you apply to your situation today or tomorrow?

[Spam591]

Try a time shift exercise... .imagine yourself in this marriage in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years - with no change in your wife's behavior.

What would you need to do to maintain the marriage under those circumstances? What can you apply to your situation today or tomorrow?

I can’t imagine myself another day in this marriage with what she just did and how she has been behaving.

I was hoping she would get into a solid therapy program and learn to manage her anger so she can communicate through conflict.

She just posted a story on her insta with that guy. Looks like she is moving on and starting a new relationship without ever truly giving this marriage the chance it deserved. A ten minute convo over the last four weeks could have done a ton of good. Oh well.

You think she will try to recycle? Or do they typically just move on quick and dry like this?

[Q-DawgVFR]

I think that there's no crystal ball to know if they will recycle or not.  If she has actively replaced you already, I would guess not for a while, if ever.  Might depend on how low she hits, how much she idealized you to begin with.

Do you want her to recycle?

Do you feel it would give you more closure / satisfaction if it is hard for her down the road or she misses you?

Just remember this is about her, not you.  And your value has nothing to do with the way you were treated.

It is hard to not take their actions personally.

[Harri]

Hi Spam.   

Q-Dawg said:

Just remember this is about her, not you.  And your value has nothing to do with the way you were treated.

This.  This is so important.  pwBPD (people with BPD) usually act on fear and emotional dysregulation and a lot of their coping behaviors are designed to make the emotions they can not handle go away.  Little of their behaviors have anything to do with you and who you are.   

Learning about the disorder, the behaviors and what may drive pwBPD to engage in them do help to not take things personally though it is very difficult especially with the latest of your wife's behaviors. 

Do you want to get back together?  If so, signing up for dating sites may not be the best action to take  If you want to try the relationship again, using the tools you can learn here, it is best if you refrain from such actions.  I know it is hard and I am not judging you.  I just don't want you to take action now that may not be recoverable.

[once removed]

No. But I am now ha

Spam,

if you intend to leave the relationship, we can help you in a healthy path to doing that.

retaliation is just making matters worse, and has been for a while. there are legal considerations here. shes been cut off from money she may claim/may be entitled to, you say youre on dating sites... .

what do you want to do here? this strategy isnt working.

[SweetCharlotte]

You are being used and discarded and you deserve better treatment than this.  She has made her choice, and it wasn't you.  She is doing you a favor, as you are seeing her true colors early on, and she is torching her world with you.  If you aren't terribly invested (time, kids), I would really question the point of trying to work on such a difficult relationship.

Amen. Living with BPD is not an excuse for behavior that goes beyond what radical acceptance is meant to do. I would not trust myself not to act out in anger if I were tolerating this kind of unfaithfulness from a domestic partner. I admire your patience and restraint, but aren't you afraid that you'll snap or explode? Then you could be in much more trouble than simply having a wife who is sleeping around. Also, she could become pregnant by another man—think of that consequence. I grew up with 2 half-brothers because my father tolerated a similar situation. And yes, he wound up exploding after over 10 years of this nonsense, and she got hurt and he could have wound up in prison (instead, he wound up dead—she basically killed him, but that's a long story).

As far as the money right now, those monies are the chips in a gambling game. She says ante up or she's leaving the table. But she will leave to play at other tables no matter what you do. Only an attorney can help you if you are interested in lessening your long term financial losses. The stakes are high—don't trust Lady Luck; make a decision for yourself.

[Spam591]

Hung out with her this weekend. She promised me she would drop this affair if I gave her money back. I told her I’m not negotiating anything and will be her husband and provide as soon as she drops her full blown emotional and physical affair. She said she was willing to text him right away as soon as I texted a girl that I asked on a date and told her I’m married ( even though this girl never responded to me ha). I tried to communicate how gravely different it was for me to send a girl a message asking her out and not having her respond verse my wives full blown affair. She wasn’t having it and just hangs up on me.

I come home 30 later and after she shuts me down again I absolutely lost it. Threw a glass across the living room and raged. I haven’t done anything like this. Ever. I’m so unbelievably frustrated with her. Nothing I say means anything. My feelings don’t matter. My opinions are void. I feel powerless. I feel like I’m nothing. I feel rejected. Six weeks of me trying to call her and work through things and her hanging up on me after I get to say one sentence and then spinning it like I’m abusive and then cheating.

So what does she do tonight... .She leaves the house and spends the night at this guys house. Then texts me and tells me “she’s escaping her abusive partner”. This is unbelievable. The way she spins literally everything. The way she justifies having a full blown affair.

I’m done. I can’t do this with her anymore. It’s disgusting.

[once removed]

do you want to try a new approach?

this isnt going to get any better if nothing changes.

[Spam591]

do you want to try a new approach?

this isnt going to get any better if nothing changes.

For the first time I’m feeling 100% done. I want to move on. However, she called me a dozen time yesterday and today. I know she is not done and is doing all of this to punish me. She knows how to play my guilt weakness. Im her sole financial support. I’m afraid she is going to come back full swing and guilt me/smear me and I’ll give in. Help

[once removed]

Help

okay.

first let me say, i get how youre feeling here. youre at the end of your rope. things are pretty far gone.

we cant make things better unless we stop making them worse, whether that means restoring your relationship or getting out of it.

She said she was willing to text him right away as soon as I texted a girl that I asked on a date and told her I’m married ( even though this girl never responded to me ha). I tried to communicate how gravely different it was for me to send a girl a message asking her out and not having her respond verse my wives full blown affair. She wasn’t having it and just hangs up on me.

they may not be exactly the same thing. fundamentally, in terms of the damage to your relationship, they arent much different. they are the standard you are both setting for your relationship. it is all tit for tat, and arguing over who is doing worse. that is what needs to stop.

none of it will restore your relationship, and it will likely hurt your case in a divorce.

ideally, you want the two of you to be faithful. you cant make her be faithful, but you can certainly set the standard for the kind of relationship you want to have, and ideally, she will follow your lead. if you are saying that the standard is that its okay to ask someone else on a date, thats the lead shes going to follow, right?

whats done is done, but raging and throwing glasses will not help you in a divorce either. that sort of thing will be used against you.

stay or go, you are going to have to rise above this tit for tat, and either direct your relationship on a healthier trajectory, or significantly limit what could be a high conflict divorce.

before we talk next steps, are you able to do that?

[Spam591]

okay.

first let me say, i get how youre feeling here. youre at the end of your rope. things are pretty far gone.

we cant make things better unless we stop making them worse, whether that means restoring your relationship or getting out of it.

they may not be exactly the same thing. fundamentally, in terms of the damage to your relationship, they arent much different. they are the standard you are both setting for your relationship. it is all tit for tat, and arguing over who is doing worse. that is what needs to stop.

none of it will restore your relationship, and it will likely hurt your case in a divorce.

ideally, you want the two of you to be faithful. you cant make her be faithful, but you can certainly set the standard for the kind of relationship you want to have, and ideally, she will follow your lead. if you are saying that the standard is that its okay to ask someone else on a date, thats the lead shes going to follow, right?

whats done is done, but raging and throwing glasses will not help you in a divorce either. that sort of thing will be used against you.

stay or go, you are going to have to rise above this tit for tat, and either direct your relationship on a healthier trajectory, or significantly limit what could be a high conflict divorce.

before we talk next steps, are you able to do that?

I love her so much. I have a very pure love for this person. However, she is in denial of anything wrong with her. She refuses to get therapy. She suckers me in by apologizing and then once she had my attention turns everything onto me as my fault. Paints me as an abusive partner to all of our friends and family. It’s so frustrating being with her and being all alone knowing you are being domestically abused but everyone around you thinks your the crazy one because she is so good at manipulating reality. I can’t do this anymore. She stopped calling (for the last 36 ish hours) so maybe it’s done.

[once removed]

what do you want to do, Spam? do you want to improve things? leave? do you just want to vent?

[Spam591]

what do you want to do, Spam? do you want to improve things? leave? do you just want to vent?

A little of everything

My dream would be for her to get into a therapy program. Remain married. Watch her heal. Build a solid life. I don't think that is possible. Or I have huge doubts.

With everything that has happened I see the only option now is to leave. I mean she has a full on boyfriend now... .

[once removed]

I mean she has a full on boyfriend now... .

Spam, this has more or less been the pattern for a while.

unless and until you hear something from her about divorce, i would not be surprised if the pattern remains the pattern.

the question is whether you want the pattern to remain the pattern, or you want to do something differently.

[Spam591]

Spam, this has more or less been the pattern for a while.

unless and until you hear something from her about divorce, i would not be surprised if the pattern remains the pattern.

the question is whether you want the pattern to remain the pattern, or you want to do something differently.

I thought by going no contact for a bit she would start reaching out. She hasn’t. In fact she has a new bf. I’m absolutely blown away. Feels like a 2+ year relationship and a marriage meant nothing to her.

[Skip]

I thought by going no contact for a bit she would start reaching out.

Spam, I assume from your comments that you want to fix this if you can. I also assume that dating/sex/sleepovers with other people is not OK with you. I'm also assuming you have some money fairness issues in your relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong on any of this.

Her behavior is reprehensible. Your response to it is not constructive or rehabilitative. Signing up on a dating site when you want her to stop or giving her the silent treatment when you want to reconnect is only making matters worse.

Play it back: Call her bluff. Your wife is having sleepovers with another man and demanding money to stop. It's a offer most wouldn't take. If you want to take it you could play this game back to her and put the money in a escrow account with a small amount released to her every month as long as she is attending therapy with you and not dating and the therapist agrees that she is trying. Sell her this in the most positive way that you can.

Draw a line in the sand: Tell her you want to resolve matters and will work out <reasonable> concessions to her concerns. Be empathic and let her know that you get it and validate the valid.  At the same time, tell her that if she dates another man, she can't come back to your martial home the next day - if she leaves, change the locks.

Admittedly, this is a really bad situation - but you have to decide when it has gone to far and the damage is not recoverable - it snot our vote. This is true for all of us in any relationship.

I'm just tossing ideas. There are others. I'm trying to get you into problem solving mode.

I know this hurts.