How to take care of yourself with your loved one has BPD

[kittykay]

I’ve been reading more about BPD and finding it really helpful. My partner has BPD and I’m only just really beginning to realize what that means and how it affects me. We’ve been together for 1.5 years, before that I was together with another guy who also had strong traits.

I’m pretty sure I developed some kind of PTSD/depression, I suffer from anxiety and so the behaviours without the understanding really had me scared and feeling very small, isolated, lost. Lately I have been taking better care of myself, putting myself first, treating myself with more kindness and compassion. I meditate, I’ve started working again, I get in touch with my friends whenever I can. I'm feeling more like my fun-loving, lively self every day - thank goodness! I’ve recently moved to a new country so it’s going to take a while to build up a network here, but I do want to pick up hobbies again like dancing, singing. Maybe do a massage course. Getting out, doing things I’m interested in, it helps a lot to feel more balanced and happy. I’ve also made a clear decision that I want to chose happiness. Last week there was a relationship crisis - we went from intimate, close, having fun to suddenly nothing was okay, everything I said was wrong and heavily criticized. For a day I really went into the deep trauma of not wanting to live (like this). And at some point something in me said „wait a minute, this is not mine, I’ve decided I want to be happy, so what can I do to get there right now?“. It helped. I got out of it, didn’t blame myself (too much) and could meet my BPD with some openness.

Ah, it’s quite a journey this, and requires so much courage. I’m trying to take things step by step. I’m writing here because I don’t have much support elsewhere and „breaking the ice“ feels like a first step so that when things are difficult I find more ease in reaching out.

What do you do in a time of crisis? When you feel like the ground beneath your feet has gone?

And also, my BPD partner is struggling quite a bit at the moment. He has to work a lot, is drinking and smoking weed to cope, doesn’t really share much about what’s going on with him. The only way that I really feel I can support him without being dragged in is by just taking care of myself, inviting him to do fun things together whenever I have the energy. I do worry about him but addressing it has only led to conflict in the past. I think he needs to realize for himself that he needs help. I can’t convince him and when I try I get caught up in his emotional whirlwind. But from what I read and also know about his past this can take a long time, or even never… How do you stay optimistic about this? How do you not let it affect you that a person who can be so funny, happy, life-loving, can also be so angry, derisive and life-negating?

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[lotusblossom1]

hi

your questions at the end are the hardest thing for me too. you cannot make them realize that they need help, and in my case, my wife thinks nothing is wrong with her. often BPD's have a bit of narcissistic personality disorder too. i've found (in my case) that reading up on this has been helpful too.

and how to stay optimistic? i don't really know. i have found that exercise makes me feel better, and also maybe try to tackle some longtime projects that you feel like you need to work on? i know that sounds like distraction, but it can be a valuable break, even if it's only for a hour or two. even a few hours off can give you  a break and maybe make you see things in a different way. a new potential perspective.

and your last sentence - this is all true for me too. maybe take a look at the past... what i've found is that if you look back you may find a few or many instances where things haven't been great and try to see a pattern. i'm sure it's there. from there you can find many resources on here and in books that can help you learn to deal with their ups and downs and anger and nit-picking etc. you can't make it any better at this second, but you can control how you move forward. i've tried to focus on that, and it has been very very helpful.

good luck to you and i hope i've been helpful

[loyalwife]

Welcome kittykay

What do you do in a time of crisis? When you feel like the ground beneath your feet has gone?

    In times of crisis it's good to have a safety plan in mind. I realize that this sounds like something you would need if there was danger etc., ie. domestic violence. What I have learned, is that we need to have an action plan to protect ourselves. Although abuse can turn to physical, the less emotional and verbal abuse you can protect yourself from, the better off you will be. The word 'abuse' is used because you are being hurt. For me, I've developed a series of levels that I watch for in my pwBPD. If he is just in a cranky mood, I stop pushing him when he is pushing me away. Another level, is he's accused me of something invalid, I put up strong boundaries (values). The highest level, is to leave the situation until he settles down. A drive in the country, lunch with a friend and if things were horrible; a night in a hotel. I have a bag packed.
      When you feel the ground beneath you is gone, take a long deep breath and ground yourself. The earth is still beneath your feet. He is on a roller coaster and trying to get you to take the ride with him. Don't buy into it. I love all the things you mentioned that you are doing for yourself. Keep up the good work!
     

[kittykay]

Thank you lotusblossum1 and loyalwife for your encouragement and tips. One step at a time, one day at a time. Reaching out and reading up on the disorder has already been super helpful and will hopefully help me to remember not to take it personally in the more difficult moments. It's almost surreal, I have no idea where my resolve is coming from to stay despite all the ups and downs. I love him, that much is for sure. Just gotta make sure to remember to put myself first!

[Dave89]

I have no idea where my resolve is coming from to stay despite all the ups and downs

I don´t have a lot of experience of meeting many BPD in my life, except my wife, but for the most part, what I had read in literature, they are one of the most loved people out there. My wife would usually tell others how good they are when they meet them, in nowaday world, it might seem like a miracle that someone can give so many good compliments, it can even leave them blushed. Especially those who themselves feel low self-worth, this can be very compelling and alluring, especially at the beginning of relationships. They are capable of giving much more love than any other people, they are much more intense in showing their affection. The problem is, this is just the good effect of their under-developed personality and it doesn´t last that long. But what you're left with is wanting to get the same side of him/her to come back again, so much. But in order to do that, one has to go through the hate stage. And only then, if you'd survive, came back this nice phase of this kind and compassionate person. It's good to always remember, although it's very hard, that they are doing this not purposely. It doesn't help to try to talk sanity into them, in fact, for most of the times, it makes it even worse. But this explained at least for me why I was so addicted to my wife. I was craving that love she once gave me, and willing to put up with all sorts of abuse, unfortunately. Now I'm working to better and take care of myself, set up boundaries and stop being rescuer. Some people get very addicted to drama as well so that the other life without it becomes too bland, boring and peaceful, however, this is just temporary, as with time you develop new interests and start living more healthy.

From what I read, you actually have used useful counter mechanisms (saying to yourself -  I’ve decided I want to be happy and indulging in social activities and talking to friends) that helped you to take control of your situation. That is the best we can do. Keep on doing it and keep educating yourself, like you already do, both about techniques for communication with BPD and also how to help yourself stay with a strong sense of self. For me, the book "Codependent no more" has made me more aware of me being part of the problem. I thought I am helping her when actually I supported her illness. I lacked my own dignity and doing things separately, I had become too much glued with her and her problems, wanting to solve them. It was a huge temptation to be together most of the time, but actually healthy relationships take time aside and don't feel guilty, actually, they contribute to relationships from what they have learned outside the comfort zone.

Keep up the good work and keep us updated on how things go

[kittykay]

Thank you @Dave89.

This rings so true:

I thought I am helping her when actually I supported her illness. I lacked my own dignity and doing things separately, I had become too much glued with her and her problems, wanting to solve them. It was a huge temptation to be together most of the time, but actually healthy relationships take time aside and don't feel guilty, actually, they contribute to relationships from what they have learned outside the comfort zone.

I so much enjoyed the intimacy that we had at the beginning of our relationship. And struggled a lot to understand why that changed. And also why I was being blamed for that having changed. It took me a while to realize what was going on and how it was affecting me. And then to make the decision that that's not how I want to treat myself. Hence the move toward more self-care and taking plenty of time for myself without feeling guilty, like you said.

Thanks for the book recommendation, I will check it out.

[lotusblossom1]

>> >>I so much enjoyed the intimacy that we had at the beginning of our relationship. And struggled a lot to understand why that changed. And also why I was being blamed for that having changed. It took me a while to realize what was going on and how it was affecting me. And then to make the decision that that's not how I want to treat myself. Hence the move toward more self-care and taking plenty of time for myself without feeling guilty, like you said.

(i don't know how to use the quote thing)

yes yes yes. i was blamed for it changing too, while in the meantime our whole world had blown up around us. and it was my fault. and all the realizations have been very very painful. if you look back you may see that you have been making excuses for your BPD for years. that's what i found. and it sucks. i have been letting this happen and i can't change what i did, but i can change how i move forward. and that's what i'm choosing to focus on. i hope you do too