Update:
thanks to all of you for your supportive replies. My wife an I did speak with a therapist and she said many of the same things you mentioned in your posts. I feel lucky to have found this forum for my own mental health. I will be asking our therapist if it would be wise to let our son know his options in terms of a divorce/child custody, etc.  I'm not sure he knows there are options available to him. I'm not sure he is ready to hear them yet. I think he would be back to his previous self if he were living on his own, had the child every other weekend, etc.   Suggesting that would outrage the DIL and I am sure that she would know we suggested it , because she monitors all communications. She is a flight risk to take the child and go back to her home country. However, the child is a US citizen and she would then be a international fugitive. I'm not sure that would stop her though.

Did any of you ever suggest this divorce option to your son?

undiagnosed BPD wife. Try to give a short story for those who don't know.

wife and I have been married 22 years this month. Lived together 18 years, before I moved out in 2020.
I was under the impression we were working towards making some sort of attempt to for a lack of better words "fix" what is broken.
I recently started to establish boundaries, express myself and work towards coming to an understanding.
it has been a very interesting, stressful learning endeavor.

for the first time in quite a while wife and I spent some time together. Had what I thought was a great time, we laughed, talked, had dinner and much more. Both felt good about everything, or so I thought.

next day started out good, we live 2 apartments away, but as I tried to explain to her as one of my boundaries, I am not comfortable going to her apartment, and I explained the reason why, which she continually ignores. I stated as a boundary that she is more than welcome at my apartment as long as things remain cordial, because I don't want to become involved any drama. She would come over every now and again, but all of a sudden in the last month she stopped, she refused or made excuses why she wouldn't or couldn't be there, until the other night. After she stopped coming over she would send text saying things like I woke up this morning and was upset because there was no text from you or I thought you were coming over while I was sleeping so we could wake up together, comments along those lines. I have no idea where she got these ideas because I never said anything, as I said I explained why I was not comfortable over at her apartment. Of course there was the famous push, pull routine.

so we get to tonight. she kept getting angry because I wasn't answering every one of her text, and I calmly and I thought politely explained that I understand how she is feeling, and I didn't think the was a reason to answer every text, because many of them are her expressing something that doesn't need and answer or pictures she sends, she takes tons of selfies and sends them to me.
her reply was "if you would've said something or anything then I wouldn't get upset, if you said the wrong thing, because there is no wrong thing to say back and not saying anything at all is like "saying" the wrong thing in my eyes.
to which I replied "I understand how you are feeling."

fast forward to about midnight when she starts texting me heavy as usual around that time, no matter how many times I say I'm exhausted and tired, not feeling good or whatever. it started out nice and somewhere along the lines I got the following text
"I'm so lost and I'm not going to sleep good because I'm sad.", next text 5 minutes later "I'm going to be sad", next text "I'm still going to be sad and lost by myself." with a bunch of sad faces. next text "I'm not going to survive because I'm sad and I'm absolutely tired, but I can't go to sleep.
to which I responded "I'm sorry that you are sad and I can relate. I get sad myself."
her next text "well I'm sad because I didn't see you and you're not here and it drives me crazy when I literally know you're over there and I'm here." next text "I cry for no reason."
next text she went into a tailspin and started just slamming me about everything.
I foolishly tried to reply that I didn't know what to say, I'm tired and I'm doing the best I can to communicate how I feel and understand how you feel and it doesn't seem to be working and I'm trying to learn about myself and be better.

to which she really went ballistic. telling me I don't make any sense, anything I text doesn't make any sense and I don't get it and she doesn't know what I'm trying to find or get together with myself and that I'm not getting myself better, I'm getting myself worse and digging myself into a deeper hole by try to "understand myself and how I tick." and if I want to know all about myself just ask her and she will tell me in seconds. I don't listen to understand, I listen to respond and be right. Don't think and go to sleep.

and this one stood out she texted "all I do is give you PTSD even though I told you that half the things I text I don't really mean...Goodnight
then she went on to say how we will never be together and its my fault, I'm only thinking about myself and I won't compromise and after about 20 more texts she said "Now I'm going to sleep." and that was the end at 4:22 in the morning.

this is a typical interaction,and it has gotten more frequent, angry and the "I hate you, We are done, I wasted so much time on you" type of interactions. I can't remember the last time she wasn't upset with me.

any thoughts???


 
 

I was my pwBPD's favourite person for a long  time. Then, slowly, they began distancing myself. LDR.

They gave me the silent treatment for 10 days, then returned as lovely as ever. Talking about "us", using pet names. Like the good old days.

Then, just as soon as it began...silent treatment again for 3 days. She was "busy"

I told her that "I accept you're gone, but I'm not sure why you keep returning if you don't want to be with me?"

She gave me a big long talk about how it's just a casual thing as-needed [she would text me in the past if I was minutes late to reply]

She's gone again.

I've promised this person I won't ghost but I am now being taken for a ride and kept as a backup generator of sorts. Worse, she has accused me on being insensitive, not trusting, etc, because she was only gone for 3 days. Trust me, it was deliberate.

What to do here? I am not wanting to ghost her, or be seen to be having a tantrum about it, but I want her gone now.

Hi Mum2two86
When you mentioned the word 'identity' my mind went to gender identity etc but dd is very clear it is not. Reading the information you have given my mind went to Body Dysmorphic Disorder because your dd has such an extreme reaction to being seen, photos taken etc.

This is a government site so it has reliable information.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/body-dysmorphic-disorder#complications

I wonder if the information here rings any bells in relation to your dd. Note also that it can exist with other disorders.

My thinking has been that this is about something different than social anxiety (in addition to BPD ) because there is such a strong reaction to dd's experience of her body and extreme discomfort at even the thought of someone seeing her.

See what you think . . .

Kids are with us for the weekend. Talked with SD18 a lot, will talk all 4 of us together tomorrow.

She doesn't want to have any kind of relationship with Stepdad any more and is only interacting with him because of B11. They rarely talk.

SD18 did tell Stepdad's girlfriend about his rages, but GF "has really different ideas of what's normal" and didn't do anything with the info. SD18 is unsure if GF told Stepdad that she (SD18) disclosed his rages.

He does not currently rage at a person and does not seem to specifically select someone's belongings to throw/break -- more random/whatever is at hand. He does not rage at the cat but will "play" with it rough and if SD16 asks him to stop, he gets offended.

SD18 isn't sure that B11's grandma (Stepdad's mom) is neutral enough. I recommended she put some friends' parents' phone numbers in B11's phone, then text those parents asking them to keep an eye out for messages from B11. He generally eats enough and SD18 feels ok with reminding Mom to get groceries.

SD18 felt the most scared when Stepdad was driving erratically. She said he locked the doors so they couldn't leave the car. I told her that blocking an exit is DV and she reluctantly agreed. H and I will try to take over as much driving as possible.

We are getting a "flea fogger" treatment tomorrow (for use in Mom's laundry area) and will go over instructions with the kids. If that doesn't work, we're ok with SD16 doing B11's laundry here.

She is ok with moving in with us when she gets back from her trip but worries about B11. We told her the door is always open here for all 3 of them as long as him being here (to visit, not to live) wasn't escalating to Stepdad. She thought it might be ok.
We agreed that ideally she could get her own place and maybe SD16 could move in with her. Yes, I get that both the kids "could" move in here but I think there is still a pretty big social/cultural hurdle for SD16, plus what it might communicate to Mom (a lot for SD16 to handle).

I filled her in on mandatory reporting vs anonymous hotline and let her know I called a local DV hotline. I plan to give her the number tomorrow. Also let SD18 know that we don't currently plan to call CPS but may have to if things escalate (and that 2 separate trained persons consider this call-worthy). She understands.

Both kids are still verbally committed to transitioning, surgery, etc. So, more conversations in the pipes.

They were great with my parents when we all had dinner together earlier -- engaged and present and grateful. Both seemed talkative and mostly happy.

Will see how the rest of the weekend goes...

I remember when I told my lawyer I wanted alternate weeks since (1) the Custody Evaluator recommended equal time and (2) alternate weeks meant fewer opportunities for ex to mess with exchanges.

The CE said (1) frequent exchanges are good for younger children.  My lawyer asked (2) do you want the court to believe you feel your child should be away from you for longer periods?  Son was 6 at the time and we did 2-2-3 schedule for years.  Even when I got majority time during the school year, we continued 2-2-3 during summers until he outgrew the system.

I'm assuming you're doing alternate weeks now?  What is best for your D12?  She's virtually begging for a change, you know best the whens, whys and wherefores.

The school called us today, mommy first (naturally *eyeroll*) then me. D isn't asthmatic, but has allergy issues. She wanted me to pick her up 30 mins before school ended.  She had just run a mile and also has an issue with heat. I work hybrid and I'd done my time onsite so I was home, WFH. I told them to keep her. Then D called me from her friend's cell to pick her up. Mommy called as I was going out the door since she missed the school call.

She told me D was very upset after I left yesterday, so in told her that I had responded to her email (after lunch before I left work) and summarized about what D12 said, that she was crying, etc. Mommy admitted, "yes, she tells me all of the time how she'd rather stay with you."

I talked to D this afternoon and she suggested that we go back to how it used to be: 3-2-2-3 (3s being Friday through Monday morning). At the time, S had an issue switching week to week.  He's an Aspie. I don't think he'd like changing it back, and I told D that it would be weird to have her on a different schedule.

D said that she just wanted to see me more though I said both schedules were 50%. I asked her if she could get through the next 4 months. I'm leaving it up to mommy if she wants to sign D up for after school, but S14 will be in high school, 2 blocks from the middle school and the high school is 3 blocks from my house. So it makes sense for the kids to come here also on mom's days starting in August. The schools seem to get out around the same time, so D can walk down the block to the high school. We'll probably have to get her a phone a year earlier than we had planned.

I think MustangMan's original post was actually 10 years ago... I wonder what happened in the end...

My 53 year old son has BPD and he rages. We only see each other once a year because in the past he got physically abusive. If he goes off on me when I see him at Christmas, I simply get quiet and let him rant. That seems to calm him down. While I am listening, I pray for him. Then I make an excuse and go home. I put myself through this, because I contributed to his condition when I was a young mother. When I get home, I email him using SET communication which I learned from the book, "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me."

Support
Empathy
Truth

I say Karl: I understand you are upset. I feel sad for you. But you need to let the past go and focus on getting better. You need therapy. I love you. Mom

I have asked my son not to call me and when he does, I try to listen. When I have reached my saturation point, I make and excuse to leave. He feels rejected because of his BPD and I just hang up. Years ago, I would call back and apologize. That was before when I was codependent. I learned not to do that from a support group I went to. Here is the link.

https://codaforparents.boards.net/

I must say, these boundaries have helped. I can tell my son I have to go and "most of the time," he doesn't rage. I can sense his unhappiness, but I take care of myself. It is progress not perfection. I love my son. He is damaged and has no friends. I think I have found the right measure of support for me and him.

My head is messed up and now I need to start again

Again...

I'm exhausted

While I am told I am loved and missed

I am never told anything good about myself

If someone says something nice about me, I find it strange

That is kind of pathetic. 

Never to be enough and to be accused of wanting too much,  or she is never enough

Something is always never enough or too much