Can anyone advise?

[Breakingpoint13]

Can someone help,

I’m sure you all know my story, today was the first time I saw my ex since the discard. I only drove by in my new care and I’m pretty sure he noticed me. My heart wan panicked but I was on my way to therapy.

I felt ok after. What’s happened since is I have found out a good friend of mine passed away this morning: which is now making me sad and wanting to just reach out, I don’t even know why. I’m just sad. Any body have any advice?

[Scarredheart]

Don't reach out to him. You know your history and the pain that it will cause. It won't make things better, only worse.

I know it's hard when you're already in pain and you get more. You're looking for comfort, but he  won't be the one to provide it. Not based on what you've mentioned previously.

[grumpydonut]

I'd say you're hoping you'd reach out and the death of your friend would result in true empathy from your exwBPD. It's unlikely. More than likely you will be manipulated.

[Breakingpoint13]

You’re right.

I’m just really struggling

[B1987]

Do you need to drive by their house? Is there an alternative route you can take? I’ve completely stayed away from my ex’s town as even being around there would be hard for me.

[Breakingpoint13]

I haven’t drove by his house? His parents live behind me. He likes 5k away from me.

It’s more as to why I want to turn to him for comfort. Why has my friends death suddenly made me not resent him any more instead feel love and sad.

[Breakingpoint13]

Sorry, I didn’t drive by his house, he was in the town I live.

[babyducks]

It’s more as to why I want to turn to him for comfort. Why has my friends death suddenly made me not resent him any more instead feel love and sad.

you associate him with strong emotions.   not consciously ... but you associate him with strong emotions.

you are experiencing strong emotions...     its natural to want comfort and attachment.     

I would not recommend you reach out to him because he can't provide comfort or secure attachment.

I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Breakingpoint13]

I won’t reach out to him. I’ll figure something out.

I think it’s just associating the palpitations of seeing him today for the first time since the discard to the feeling of the loss of my friend.

I’ll get through this, I have to.

[B1987]

Sorry, I misunderstood what you were saying

[Scarredheart]

I’ll get through this, I have to.

You will get through this. One day at a time. It's all you can expect of yourself right now. One day at a time.

It will get better.

[B1987]

I understand the temptation to reach out. I want to contact my ex everyday but there’s pretty much a 0% chance I’ll get a response that I like. In reality, I’m just setting myself up for more pain and then I’ll only be in a worse place and be angry at myself for breaking NC.

I’m really sorry for what you’ve experienced. As hard as it is to hear, your bpd ex (who has already put you through so much) does not hold the answer.

Stay strong, you are not on your own.

[Breakingpoint13]

You’re right he doesn’t. I’m just wanting to run back because I know he can make me feel loved. But it’s not love. I went to the effort of changing my number so I couldn’t get manipulated by his words again so it would be stupid of me to even consider it.

[babyducks]

I won’t reach out to him. I’ll figure something out.

I think it’s just associating the palpitations of seeing him today for the first time since the discard to the feeling of the loss of my friend.

I’ll get through this, I have to.

your feelings are not the enemy here.     they are perfectly okay.    you are okay.   what you are feeling is natural and normal and fine.     feelings are like waves on a beach ... or a thunderstorm passing through...  this will pass.    trust yourself to deal with the loss and the grief.

[Breakingpoint13]

It just made me think how much I love him. No matter how horribly he’s treated me. I’ve not felt that this way for a while.

[grumpydonut]

Definitely understandable.

Unfortunately, people's actions leave scars on relationships. There comes a point when a boderline's actions make it impossible to have a healthy relationship with them.

This person has hurt you, betrayed you...it's probably better to build a life with someone else. Which would mean you'd have to let him go.

[Breakingpoint13]

I don’t want him back. That’s what’s so strange.

It’s obviously the trauma bond. No matter how horribly he’s treated me for the last year when things have happened he was still where I turned.

I spoke to my friend this morning who made me go though the emotional and physical abuse and what he did to me at what time’s again. I’m glad she did I broke down, I think as I was to move in I keep trying to forgot just what has happened to me. It’s so hard and I feel stupid like no one can understand. I am in therapy and she seems to think I’m doing a lot better than I give myself credit for, however I don’t agree. I know I’ll get there and there’s nothing wrong with me falling in love with the wrong person, I just need to keep conditioning my brain to do better. I just hope it doesn’t take as long as the time I was with him to undo what I ended up believing about myself.

I can love what I thought was him, doesn’t mean he deserves it or needs to know it either.

[grumpydonut]

I just hope it doesn’t take as long as the time I was with him to undo what I ended up believing about myself.

My experience, which may not relate to you at all, is that my ex didn't cause me to believe things about myself. My ex re-established what I already thought about myself. That was a key lesson.

Before I met her: I'm not enough
When she loved bombed: Oh wow, I am enough
When she devalued and discarded me for another man: See, I'll never be enough.

Your exwBPD likely spoke to some need. It maybe nothing important, it may be extremely important. It's worth investigating, if you haven't already. To quote my most recent Psychology lecture: "The first step is appraisal. We can either use a terrible experience to cause us to grow and improve, or we can allow it to cause us to fall apart".

[Scarredheart]

My experience, which may not relate to you at all, is that my ex didn't cause me to believe things about myself. My ex re-established what I already thought about myself. That was a key lesson.

Before I met her: I'm not enough
When she loved bombed: Oh wow, I am enough
When she devalued and discarded me for another man: See, I'll never be enough.

He spoke to some need - and it may not even be a core wound within you - that is worth investigating for yourself.

This.

That's definitely true of a deep part of me.

A part of me that I'm fighting to change every day. Thanks for posting this.

[grumpydonut]

Apologies, I have edited it since my original post! And apologies, I meant "she"!

[Breakingpoint13]

leaving this relationship has honestly been the most up and down self questioning experience I have ever done. I am working on my issues that lead to this in therapy but my god. I never knew my brain could be so conditioned to believe what it does. I can not wait until the day I feel nothing again.
It's tiring and a constant battle. I hate this!

In regards to working on myself, this is something I have felt like i have always done. I always work on becoming a better person and no matter what has happened to me in my past, I haven't allowed this to make me a hurtful, bitter human. I know that for sure. I dont hurt people. Even now I still couldnt disrespect him like he has done me. I respect myself more than that. The point I would like to make is because I have always felt I am big on self development, I always believed he could change. Since the discard his new relationship and him telling me how wonderful he now is and happy is what is hard for me. Truth or not I always want to think that people do become better. I am just hurt that my feelings havent even been thought of in the process. Now I am on a journey of PTSD and anxiety that I wouldnt wish on anyone.

[Scarredheart]

leaving this relationship has honestly been the most up and down self questioning experience I have ever done. I am working on my issues that lead to this in therapy but my god. I never knew my brain could be so conditioned to believe what it does. I can not wait until the day I feel nothing again.
It's tiring and a constant battle. I hate this!

I hear you. It is a constant battle. For me I've had a very hard time seeing my wife as a complete person. When I think of her with my "heart", I remember the beautiful, funny, amazing, loving woman I miss and love. When I think of her with my "head", I remember all that she's done and said. The lying, the cheating, the justifying of her behavior... For the moment at least, I can't amalgamate the two sides of her into one person. It's hard to stop the questions. "Did I cause this?" "Could I have done more?" "Did I ever know her?" It's so hard to stop the circular thinking sometimes. I try hard not to think too far ahead and not think too much about things I can't change or can't get the answers to. I hope you find peace soon.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thankyou Scarredheart.

I was in a much better position until he contacted me about his new gf and gave me on spiel on how much he had changed and thanked me for putting him on that path. Wishing me all the happiness in the world and not even touching on what he did for me.

My ex even said, have a had dates that didnt go well or realised he wasnt that bad to me? The man literally beat me numerous times, watched me attempt suicide and discarded me when I was broken! This just shows he cant see things from the perspective of others. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I changed my number because I need to protect myself from his words, but I can not wait until the day I see him around and it just doesnt effect me like it does. I honestly didnt think it was possible for humans to effect you in such way.

I know you are only early on in your breakup but keep strong. It did get better for me at some point, but now I feel like I am back at square 1.

[Scarredheart]

I was in a much better position until he contacted me about his new gf and gave me on spiel on how much he had changed and thanked me for putting him on that path. Wishing me all the happiness in the world and not even touching on what he did for me.

It's crazy how even the smallest contact can flip your world upside down. I've known this was coming for several months, I just didn't want to admit it to myself. I certainly didn't see what she did coming, but I knew that we were ending, even if she didn't.

Your spouse won't suddenly be happy because he's with someone else, no matter what he tells you. Unless he goes through serious long term treatment, every close relationship will end in the same kind of mess.

My ex even said, have a had dates that didnt go well or realised he wasnt that bad to me? The man literally beat me numerous times, watched me attempt suicide and discarded me when I was broken! This just shows he cant see things from the perspective of others. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I changed my number because I need to protect myself from his words, but I can not wait until the day I see him around and it just doesnt effect me like it does. I honestly didnt think it was possible for humans to effect you in such way.

I jump back and forth between thinking BPDs can't see other's feelings as real, or just refuse to see that they cause other's pain. Most of the time I'm sure it's both. My wife has "apologized" before, but every time she immediately followed up with a justification of why she did it and why it was ok, completely invalidating the apology.

I know you are only early on in your breakup but keep strong. It did get better for me at some point, but now I feel like I am back at square 1.

I think that's normal. She hasn't lived with me since April 30. I have good days and catastrophic ones. The less contact I have with her, typically the better it is. Some days I can almost see a future where she doesn't affect me, other days I'm pacing the house simultaneously furious and heartbroken over what was destroyed and lost. On those days, I have to remind myself that she knew that I never told her that I wanted a divorce, that I always wanted us, and yet she made the choice to cheat again and again. She walked away, destroyed the trust we built over the last ten years, no matter how she feels she had the right to or why she thinks it wasn't wrong and we should be able to keep going as a married couple.

I have to base my life on what is, not what she says is.

[Breakingpoint13]

to me its just toying with what is your reality and what is there's.

I think I also struggle accepting the shame of knowing I have been the victim of the abuse I have. I cant tell people like my parents because I defended him so much and tbh I am embarrassed and ashamed. I also feel like im suffering because something as little as seeing them can cause such a massive reaction, and people cant understand why. My mum simply just says well hes a idiot you should be over him. Oh really, I wish it was that simple. I am over him (so I thought). I am not over what has happened to me. No matter how much I look at the root I still cant shake the feeling. I also know that I am so impatient.

I think we may hurt now, but we will heal. I think at some point they will realise what they have done, we will no longer be painted black and they will then go through the emotions and feelings that we have. It will just be much more delayed. By the time they feel this we will have healed and the contact wont effect us as much. That is what I hope anyway.

[Scarredheart]

to me its just toying with what is your reality and what is there's.

That's accurate. I know when it comes to my wife, she loses parts of her past, even recent past (she simply forgets) and then fills in the blanks with whatever she feels is what should have happened, and that becomes her new reality, so I don't ever expect her to see things as I do.

I think I also struggle accepting the shame of knowing I have been the victim of the abuse I have. I cant tell people like my parents because I defended him so much and tbh I am embarrassed and ashamed.

I totally get this. Unless someone has experience with mental illness, or has been close with a BPD, they can't understand. All the platitudes that normally apply to breakups don't apply here. You don't recover quickly. You can't just stop thinking about what happened as quickly as some want you to or think you should. You never get the true closure you would want. An undiagnosed/untreated BPD can't or won't explain their side to you in a way that'll make sense and help you heal.

I spent a lot of time defending my wife too. To those in my family who have history with BPD (my brother) or experience with mental illness (one of my sisters who was ran a mental health facility), you can get some understanding. From the others, if they truly love you and are close to you, will want to understand, but it will take a lot of explaining on your part and research on their part for them to get up to speed, and that depends if you have the energy and drive to go that route and you want them to understand that much. I'm being selective about who I talk about this to as, for the most part, people just generalize and don't truly understand.

I also feel like im suffering because something as little as seeing them can cause such a massive reaction, and people cant understand why. My mum simply just says well hes a idiot you should be over him. Oh really, I wish it was that simple.

Right? Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just move on and forget right away? Like I said, some people will understand, some won't and that's ok. Get the support you need from those who can understand or at least can respect that you need time to heal even if they don't have the full picture.

I am over him (so I thought). I am not over what has happened to me. No matter how much I look at the root I still cant shake the feeling. I also know that I am so impatient.

I so understand this statement. I want to be healed NOW. I don't want to wait. I don't want these circular thoughts. I don't want to be ambushed by my feelings any more. Every time I feel "today is better", I'm waiting for the pendulum to swing the other way and I get gut punched again. It swings a little less as time goes on, but I'd be liar if I said there aren't days that I feel like I've taken a step backwards. We just have to take it one day at a time.

I think we may hurt now, but we will heal.

Yes, we will. Until then, we have support here and from our close family and friends.

[Breakingpoint13]

Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Scarredheart]

Thank you for reminding me I am not alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Thanks. I’m sorry you’re having to endure this hell as well. We will heal. I’m here if ever need an ear.

S

[Breakingpoint13]

I just wanted to ass and give a quick update.

I heard from him again this weekend.I am not going to go into it but it was a lot of bull. Honestly from him saying he was worried about me to hating me and everyone hating me to him wishing it could have been a different time. To him telling me how great hes doing in life, the purchases hes bought and the holidays hes booked. (textbook BDP episode)  That he wasnt looking for his new gf it just happened. He even went as far as to say he was thinking he had PLEASE READed up with me but then remembered a email i sent him when i said he was free. How we just didnt work out and hes so much better than me, but he does think maybe another time another place...

The reason I am writing this is because I know we all struggle with the NC but I can promise you, when the contact comes its so much more worse because it will never be enough to validate the pain they have caused. All it does is put you back. (its also made me realised just how sorry I feel for him and how broken he is). But it still messes with your head.

Im stressing to anyone struggling right now, I know its hard, but dont open the mail, dont reach out. They are unable to tell the truth anyway and all it will do is put you back on your progress. Please use this from my experience.

[Scarredheart]

I just wanted to ass and give a quick update.

I heard from him again this weekend.I am not going to go into it but it was a lot of bull. Honestly from him saying he was worried about me to hating me and everyone hating me to him wishing it could have been a different time. To him telling me how great hes doing in life, the purchases hes bought and the holidays hes booked. (textbook BDP episode)  That he wasnt looking for his new gf it just happened. He even went as far as to say he was thinking he had PLEASE READed up with me but then remembered a email i sent him when i said he was free. How we just didnt work out and hes so much better than me, but he does think maybe another time another place...

The reason I am writing this is because I know we all struggle with the NC but I can promise you, when the contact comes its so much more worse because it will never be enough to validate the pain they have caused. All it does is put you back. (its also made me realised just how sorry I feel for him and how broken he is). But it still messes with your head.

Im stressing to anyone struggling right now, I know its hard, but dont open the mail, dont reach out. They are unable to tell the truth anyway and all it will do is put you back on your progress. Please use this from my experience.

I hear this. I'm looking forward to being able to go NC.  I have to keep an line open because she's agreed to do a joint divorce filing in September, so until then I have to keep some communication going.

You're right, it's very hard because it seems that they justify everything and blame you for the failing of the relationship.

I just keep reminding myself of this list:

I have to remember that many things that she says about me isn't true.

I have to remember that her desperation for me to be the person she wants me to be doesn't mean I have to be that person and declining her offer doesn't mean I'm hurting her.

I have to remember that her perception of me is not reality.

I have to remember that when she imputes my character, questions my honor and honesty and/or accuses me of wrongdoing I don't need to acknowledge or substantiate it. I don't need to always defend myself or respond.

I have to remember that I can't reach her, and that it isn't my job to fix her, to heal her, or to make her feel special. She needs to do those things for herself through treatment.

I have to remember that I can't save her.

Thanks for the encouragement Breakingpoint13.

[Breakingpoint13]

I feel you I really do.

For me its questioning my reality. It's the triangulation he gives me and how he sounds so convinced when he says these things about me. I wouldn't mind I don't even respect the people hes saying hates me.

I think illness or not, what we struggle with is what they have done, we cant just comprehend how anyone could do what they have, therefor I feel like I stay in some sense of denial with what has happened.

They're not part of our lives any more, they are our past and I dont need to keep being reminded of it. I have the self discovery and trauma to keep me reminded, I dont need it to keep being reenacted for me. This does all take time and as sad as this makes me, I remind myself that the contacts makes me feel crap, but the contact I had around him and his people for so long made me feel suicidal. It's a massive step when I think back to the place I was when I was with him. Id rather be lonely than hating the core of my being and feeling so worthless any day of the week.

How are you getting on?

[Scarredheart]

For me its questioning my reality. It's the triangulation he gives me and how he sounds so convinced when he says these things about me.

I can so relate to this. If I hadn’t started taking notes after any major interactions with her so I could talk them out with my therapist I don’t know if I would have been as confident in my view of reality sometimes. She would always seem so convinced that what she was saying was right even when I knew that wasn’t what happened at all. It’s crazy how they can distort your sanity with a few words.

I think illness or not, what we struggle with is what they have done, we cant just comprehend how anyone could do what they have, therefor I feel like I stay in some sense of denial with what has happened.

I understand this too. I kept making allowances for her. I was sure I must have misunderstood, or that I was thinking of the worst possible outcome and I’d feel guilty that I had thought that way, only for it to come out later that I was absolutely right in my suspicions. Even then I would keep making excuses for her. I didn’t want to believe that the woman I had thought of as the most trustworthy, the closest person to me could possibly be doing all those horrible things with no good reason. Ultimately there weren’t any good reasons. That didn’t stop her from telling me her reasons and telling me it really was all my fault each time. Thankfully I know better and told her so.

They're not part of our lives any more, they are our past and I dont need to keep being reminded of it. I have the self discovery and trauma to keep me reminded, I dont need it to keep being reenacted for me. This does all take time and as sad as this makes me, I remind myself that the contacts makes me feel crap, but the contact I had around him and his people for so long made me feel suicidal. It's a massive step when I think back to the place I was when I was with him. Id rather be lonely than hating the core of my being and feeling so worthless any day of the week.

I know! It’s hard enough dealing with the swirling emotions, the reminders at home and the conversations with our therapists without having to have them throw crap in our faces all the time. I plan to go NC very soon, just after the divorce paperwork has been signed and filed.

How are you getting on?

I have my good days and my bad. To quote my response to someone who asked me the same question yesterday:

”I’ve had my ups and downs. For the most part I think I’m doing well, but there are moments when I’m just broken over what’s been lost. It’s usually when I spend too much time trying to understand the entire situation. I should know better, but it still happens. I tend to be very analytical so it’s a major brain malfunction for me when I run into something that I just cannot understand at all. I had made it the mission of my life to understand, support and predict my wife’s behaviour, and now it seems that so much of what I “knew” was a lie, and there’s no explanation as even she doesn’t fully understand it.

I keep reminding myself that I can only be responsible for me and not analyze too much, but that doesn’t always work. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I’ve been having conversations with people living on my street and that’s helped a little. (which is SO not normal for me to do. I’m not a huge people person, I tend to like to stick close to home and to some of my friends, but since my “home” isn’t really feeling like home right now, and my friends have been working two jobs to make ends meet, I’m low on options when it comes to social interactions.) All that text to say it’s been kinda lonely lately. My boys tend to sleep during the day and disappear a lot in the evening to spend time with their friends, so the house feels mostly empty these days.”