Dropped on my head, left without a home and daughter Pt. 4

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

That's what I was thinking. In the world of good mental health, if you're an unwed mother, and you tell the guy you're through, and he is a stand up guy and goes down to the courthouse to take full responsibility for his child . . . then you'll see him as an honorable man.

I know that's not what you expect to happen here, and it likely won't.

It probably won't happen. It will be very triggering for her that I've been in touch with the Jugendamt while she was gone. It will probably throw her into a rage.

But unless you proceed on with this relationship with the mom without any boundaries or protections for yourself, then something's gonna explode anyway. And it would be best if you're already fully established as ":)ad" when it does.

Fantastic point.

Just out of curiosity . . . what happens to your girlfriend's overall financial picture if you two are no longer in a romantic relationship?

She has a ton of money saved. She also got a large payout from her last company that was sold while she was on maternity leave - which is generally against the law here.  So I think she'll be okay. She has, however, mentioned many times that the end of her "Elterngeld" money from the government really scares her because she'll have to go out and find a new job. I know she is freaking out about this.

Which makes it all the more idiotic to push me out now.

Is this something that could be headed for a showdown too?

Probably not. Here in Germany a man only has to pay child support when he is no longer living together with the woman. Which technically started in November when she kicked me out. No alimony, etc.

I wish you had time to recover from your shock before taking some important actions. But I wonder if you really do.

No time for reflection, unfortunately.

Thanks.

[codependable]

That's what I was thinking. In the world of good mental health, if you're an unwed mother, and you tell the guy you're through, and he is a stand up guy and goes down to the courthouse to take full responsibility for his child . . . then you'll see him as an honorable man.

I know that's not what you expect to happen here, and it likely won't.

It probably won't happen. It will be very triggering for her that I've been in touch with the Jugendamt while she was gone. It will probably throw her into a rage.

But unless you proceed on with this relationship with the mom without any boundaries or protections for yourself, then something's gonna explode anyway. And it would be best if you're already fully established as ":)ad" when it does.

Fantastic point.

Just out of curiosity . . . what happens to your girlfriend's overall financial picture if you two are no longer in a romantic relationship?

She has a ton of money saved. She also got a large payout from her last company that was sold while she was on maternity leave - which is generally against the law here.  So I think she'll be okay. She has, however, mentioned many times that the end of her "Elterngeld" money from the government really scares her because she'll have to go out and find a new job. I know she is freaking out about this.

Which makes it all the more idiotic to push me out now.

Is this something that could be headed for a showdown too?

Probably not. Here in Germany a man only has to pay child support when he is no longer living together with the woman. Which technically started in November when she kicked me out. No alimony, etc.

I wish you had time to recover from your shock before taking some important actions. But I wonder if you really do.

No time for reflection, unfortunately.

Thanks.

[KateCat]

So glad you're going to the Jugendamt. 

My thoughts about a showdown over finances were that if your girlfriend is accustomed to your general financial largesse making her life more pleasant and easier, then any adjustments you make to that (in view of the fact that you are no longer a couple) could cause backlash against you too.

[formflier]

Very glad you have a meeting... .ask questions... .and follow up questions.

Make sure you have the answer from the point of view of an unreasonable person trying to "game the system".  Basically... .make sure they understand you are NOT interested in what happens to "two reasonable people".  Let them know she blocked you at Christmas... .took her to Egypt over your objections.  Then went LC while there... .and that his her NORMAL. 

All child support people realize that people's emotions get the best of them... .sometimes.  Very different when that is a "regular" day... .and you are surprised when she is reasonable.

FF

[codependable]

Basically... .make sure they understand you are NOT interested in what happens to "two reasonable people".  Let them know she blocked you at Christmas... .took her to Egypt over your objections.  Then went LC while there... .and that his her NORMAL. 

All child support people realize that people's emotions get the best of them... .sometimes.  Very different when that is a "regular" day... .and you are surprised when she is reasonable.

This is an excellent point. I will definitely bring this up!

[Notwendy]

I think you have gotten some great relationship advice here. I wonder if also posting on the co-parenting after the split board would also help you for that topic specifically. Even if the relationship isn't quite certain, the two of you are both parents living apart.

It isn't unusual for someone to have questions that fit into different topics- ie parents, romantic, parenting.

[formflier]

Notwendy makes great point.  I would challenge you to write that out as a value.  Keep tweaking it until it is right.  Then live it and protect it with boundaries.

Perhaps this is starting point... .

"I will be an equal parent in my daughters lives.  I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children"

Shorter and more focused is usually more powerful... .easier to make decisions from.

What do you think of those value statements?

FF

[KateCat]

"I will be an equal parent in my daughters lives.  I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children"

If you don't mind a non-parent chiming in, this sounds just about perfect to me. I can't see any FOG ("fear, obligation, guilt" entering into the crafting of this statement of values.

[codependable]

"I will be an equal parent in my daughters lives.  I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children"

I like that. Maybe add a bit more:

"I will be an equal and active parent in my daughters' lives. I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children".

And - given that this value is wrapped up in a boundary, anything that violates that value (crossing a boundary) should set off alarm bells immediately.

[formflier]

Yes... .yes and yes!   

I love the addition.  It is a value that is tied to something you will decide to do... .totally in your control. 

I can imagine lots of things where you can say... ."this is on my daily schedule.  This is me living out my deeply held values."

At the end of the day you can feel good about yourself that your actions matched your values.

Recipe for success!

Love,

Allen

[flourdust]

"I will be an equal parent in my daughters lives.  I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children"

I like this very much. It's important to see that the first statement -- "I WILL be an equal parent" is the must-have statement. The second sentence -- "I will endeavor to have... ." is the nice-to-have statement.

[formflier]

"I will endeavor to have... ." is the nice-to-have statement.

And I think it honors the reality that it takes two people to have a successful r/s.  It is in my core values to do the best I can do... ."my endeavors"... .to have a good r/s.  Regardless of the other person's endeavors.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

]"I will be an equal and active parent in my daughters' lives. I will endeavor to have the best relationship possible with the mothers of my children".

  Yes. Those are two of your values, and they are the basis for your boundaries.

As others have said, being an equal and active parent is exactly right.

I'm going to take a shot at re-writing what you wrote regarding your ?ex?gf in Germany, as you appear to have no problems with your exwife in CA. To my eye, it is conflating a couple things, and not clear enough what part is YOURS in it. Here goes:

"I will work with ?ex?gf as a parent in the best interest of our daughter."

I don't think you have any confusion around choosing to do this, and not much regarding how to do it. The next part... .

"I will do my best to reconcile and have a romantic relationship with ?ex?gf."

... .this really has to be secondary, in that you cannot act on this when it conflicts with your obligations as a parent above. Within those limits, I suspect you still want to do it.

As I said, before, you have to accept her changing, mixed and contradictory nature. It isn't easy. You may not be able to do this. You give up wanting to.

We're here to give you the best chance of succeeding, whatever you try to do--NOT make the choice for you. I know I kept trying to make a r/s work for a long time before I gave up, and feeling like I did all I could gives me peace. Certainly knowing that I found MY limits of what I could and couldn't take, and stood firmly with them gives me peace.