I think my boyfriend has BPD and currently despises me

[Bethany72]

I have been dating my partner for two years. About five months ago I read Stop walking on Eggshells, because quite frankly, I found myself walking on eggshells. The book is dead on what I experience. my boyfriend is very successful, which doesn’t help. There is no incentive for him to change because everything at work goes very well. He is very much the leader of his family. His father, sister, other extended family don’t dare question him. I thought I was dealing with NPD for a while, but he does have empathy, loves animals, is giving without the need for Adès, and genuinely cares for people. He has actually protected me before when I had periods of reactive abuse. Before I realized what was going on. I have done a poor job of handling this, because I did not understand what I was dealing with. But the book helped, and subsequent books and articles, and hopefully this website will get things going in the right direction. The problem is that he was offered an opportunity that’s five hours away. So since November we have been in a long distance relationship. I’m very fortunate and that I can work remote at times and I have a lot of vacation time , so I am generally able to be with him about half the time. The splitting has now taken on the exact pattern of the distance. When I am with him, I am idealized. He cooks for me and takes me to wonderful restaurants and concerts and We have a wonderful time. Occasionally we fight, but I’m generally able to bring him back around because it’s hard for him to turn on me when I’m right there in his face. Generally, he comes around if I can just get to him and hug him and love him. The day I have to leave to come home, I can see his mannerisms start to change. It has gotten to the point where now by the time I get back to my front door,  he’s no longer speaking to me. On this last trip, on the day before I left, I told him I wanted to talk to him while he was thinking clearly. I told him the pattern I had noticed and I wanted to put some sort of plans in place where that wouldn’t happen  again. Whether it be we FaceTime every night or we talk on the phone more. Honestly, I don’t know how we could talk on the phone anymore than we do. It’s constant. But nevertheless, I wanted to have a plan. And while he was in his lucid mind, he told me that no matter what he said or did that I needed to know that he always loved me, wanted to be with me forever, and for me to ignore anything negative that comes out of his mouth Because he doesn’t mean it. within 15 minutes of me being on the road, headed back, he was no longer talking to me. I have been home for three days now, and we have communicated through text. He is currently obsessed with an ex-boyfriend of mine, and is certain I’m talking to him. this is the biggest thing I deal with. Retro-Active jealousy from my past. If I am not with him, he believes with all of his heart and mind, that I’m cheating on him. Or at the very least communicating with an ex-boyfriend, it’s not always the same ex-boyfriend .But currently It’s the one that he hates the most. He’s never met him and knows nothing about him. But he unequivocably despises my ex-boyfriends and mentions them with great frequency. He stalks them on Facebook and he makes fun of them and he tells me I am gross and disgusting forever having had anything to do with any of them. Our arguments begin with me saying something that doesn’t sit right with him. And then he goes into judgment mode. And then I will suffer for that indiscretion briefly, before the conversation goes to my past. He calls me a whore on a regular basis. I must tell you, this happened when we first started dating. About three months into our relationship after receiving a huge promotion and moving into a beautiful condo, the stress of the new job made him very ill. That is when he first started making the accusations and doing all the name-calling. But ultimately that job ended, probably because he was drinking too much. And then we had a period of estrangement. When we got back together, he was less stressed out and he agreed to stop the name-calling, and he went to anger management classes. And he got a lot better. But this new job and promotion has taken it back to exactly what I experienced before so I guess it’s stress related, and then add to that long distance relationship. I am astounded at how long he can rage. For instance, last night he began texting me at 7 PM , it went on until 1 AM and he never stopped with the accusations and the condemnation over my past relationships. I am trying to embrace the concept of being a caretaker, but I have no idea how I’ll ever get him to face what is happening, get the help that he needs. Final note, a lot of this is wrapped up in alcohol. The more he drinks and the longer the night goes on, the more willing he is to just say the most hurtful things that he can come up with. Looking forward to your thoughts, comments, suggestions.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Pook075]

The more he drinks and the longer the night goes on, the more willing he is to just say the most hurtful things that he can come up with. Looking forward to your thoughts, comments, suggestions.

Hey Bethany, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Welcome to the family!

Please start by checking out this article on boundaries, and how you can work towards stopping the verbal abuse.  This is not something you should accept and by walking on eggshells, it emboldens him to ramp up the frequency even more- https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

For the ex's, this is tying into his fears of abandonment and rejection...because you are leaving him several times per month to return home.  For a BPD, it's equivalent to a break-up mentally and they think to themselves, "If they really loved me, they wouldn't leave."  So why are you leaving....it MUST BE that old ex boyfriend, right?  That's where their mind focuses and logic goes straight out the window.

The name calling and accusations must stop, and you stop it through your own personal boundaries.  It's not okay to call you names and you must make it clear that he's hurting you.  If he continues, then you distance yourself until he can speak to you in a proper manner.  Again, you must let him know that you're not going to accept abuse any longer...then you follow through.

This may feel counter-intuitive, because if you call him on something, he acts even worse initially.  That's how BPD's deal with boundaries though because they don't want to change and don't want to accept that they're in the wrong.  But for this to get better, you're going to have to stand your ground and stop taking it.  He must realize that he's way out of line.

[Bethany72]

Thank you so much. This afternoon I told him I was researching dialectical behavior therapy. I told him about some tactics like doing 54321, five things I see, four things hear,, etc.. he seemed so open to it and calm and looking forward to the future. We planned our weekend and I thought things were going well. This evening he was different again. I think he had been drinking and now he has decided after telling me at 3 PM that I was his entire world and he was building this life for us and that he loved me more than anything, at 9 PM he was saying that he wanted to have a noncommittal relationship where we could date whoever we wanted to. He said “Life has so much more to offer than this . I want to find out what it has to offer me .It has to be more than this.” Literally out of nowhere. He just kept saying now you can date whoever you want to. Now you can date whoever you want to. But I had a breakthrough because I didn’t react to it and I immediately began to pray and I felt a peace come over me. Because I don’t have to do this. Unfortunately, for him, he does have to do this, until he gets some sort of therapy. Because he knows no other way. But I know another way and I can take that path at anytime I want to. I feel like that gives me the power that I need  to handle this with clarity. If he wants to get help, I will be more than glad to assist in that and I will be supportive. And if he does not, I can very simply walk away from this relationship thankful that we did not get married .

[Pook075]

Hey Bethany!  It touched my heart to hear you say a prayer in the midst of conflict.  God got me through my BPD breakup as well and like you, I had a peace about me that many here never quite find.  That's truly the path for all of this, and it's leading with love and compassion. 

Why?  Well, he's sick and like you said, he's stuck.  Alcohol certainly doesn't help either, and leads to thinking like, "If I dated other people, then I'd be happy."  And sure, that would make him happy for a week, a month maybe, but eventually the same sickness will catch up and things fall apart all over again.

Still, he deserves compassion because he didn't ask for this.

However, that doesn't excuse name calling or shaming on his part...even though you know he's saying it because he's insecure and unstable.  DBT is the ultimate path but at the same time, he has to choose it for himself.  There's an old saying, "You can lead a camel to water, but you can't make him drink."  That's true here as well, he has to be the one taking the lead and wanting to get better.  Leading him to water, so to speak, will only be met with resentment if he's not ready.

I admire you- you're mentally handling this like a champion and you definitely have some wisdom on your side.  As I started with though, I understand where it comes from.  Keep leaning on faith and this will work out in your favor no matter what happens.

[Bethany72]

I really needed these words this morning. Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve ever experienced in my life. I had to suffer the retaliation for briefly glancing at a TikTok video, where a man was jumping rope. this is something that happened previously. It didn’t happen last night. But it got brought up last night. And the retaliation for this indiscretion went as follows. As I had stated before, he said he wanted a noncommittal relationship now. That escalated to him saying he was going on to these porn sites and that some Cuban girl was messaging him. Then he said he was going out and I said you can’t go out because you can’t drive and he said someone was coming to pick him up and intimated that it was a woman. He then told me that I needed to go, have sex with someone else because that was what he intended to do. This escalated into multiple different avenues all involving threats To cheat. And then finally culminating in him saying he couldn’t talk to me because he was on the phone with his ex-wife because he needed to figure out who he was. I then messaged him and said please tell her that all evening I have prayed for you, told you how much I loved you, and just wanted to help. He then told me to go to hell and to “leave them alone.” I have no idea if any of these things are true. And I’m supposed to be leaving to go there to spend a week. I have taken a week of vacation time and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I have a 50 inch TV being delivered this afternoon and a golf cart, and I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t know if I’ll get there and all my belongings will be packed up. I have no idea. I don’t know if this is the final discard, or if this was just some sort of ploy. I have prayed all morning, but it’s been difficult. Tears poured down my face . I Failed to mention previously that when he took this job, it was the only job he could get because they wouldn’t run a background check. Because he has Record from a year ago assaulting me. At the time he took this job I had to drive him down there because he didn’t have a vehicle and he didn’t have any money. Because he had been out of work after the charges were filed against him. Not because of the charges, but, after he was arrested and went home, he didn’t have access to Xanax and he withdrew so violently he was having seizures and was unable to go to work and then they ultimately terminated him. He had previously said that he owed everything that he has now to me because he could’ve never gotten such a great job without my assistance. And now he says I am an evil narcissist that wants to destroy him and that I do not deserve the benefits of anything that he has worked so hard to build. This is actual insanity.

[Bethany72]

And one last thing for anybody that’s reading this. This disorder can affect anybody. Together he and I make $650,000 a year. Shouldn’t that be a happy couple? I have a beautiful home in North Carolina and he has a home in a gorgeous neighborhood in Alabama, the premier neighborhood in the area. We have families, grew up in the same town, went to school together and met in the fifth grade and were boyfriend and girlfriend then Wha. I didn’t know was that when he was in seventh grade, his father left the family. Just bailed on him and left him high and dry. They couldn’t pay their bills , lost power frequently, at times didn’t have a vehicle to drive. He had to take on the role of being a husband and father at the age of 12. He worked two jobs and walked to work and walked from the first job to the second job. Sometimes he would hitch a train Into town. I don’t know if that’s what caused it. But I am devastated myself by what life has done to him. Maybe he would’ve been like this anyway, but I really don’t think so.

[Pook075]

I really needed these words this morning.

Hey Bethany, I'm so sorry you're in this whirlwind right now.  Since you've been praying non-stop, I'm going to give you a verse to really dig into- Psalms 3:5-6.

Things became unstable.  You prayed.  Things got much worse in the shortest of timespans.  Why?

The simple answer here is that it's not your job to save him.  He must save himself, and within a blink of an eye he's chosen a completely different path that doesn't align with your morals.  You keep praying and it keeps getting worse.  Why?

I'm so sorry for the abuse you've endured while standing by his side.  And I'm not going to tell you what to do because that's 100% your choice.  I will say, however, that we are all called to live in peace (1st Corinthians 7:15).  You're not married but the verse still applies just as much. 

Please just take care of you.  I know you just spent a bunch of money on things for his place, but you're not hurting for money and it's not the end of the world.  In fact, you can probably still call and cancel that stuff if they haven't been delivered.  Even if you can't though, it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

Let us know how we can help- I'm saying another prayer for you now.