Reversing a Breakup

[SageOfBrains]

Hi! Its been almost 2 weeks since no contact with my ex. She has blocked me now on almost everything. She currently is with another guy (that she cheated on me with) and I dont know what to do. She had told me about him and asked for space and I failed to maintain that space because of the situation with him and her growing. Over the course of 2 or so weeks we tried to be friends and I'd get upset at the things she was doing and I'd unload on her. She would accidently send me flirty things that were meant for him and Id tell her how I feel. She even tried to get him and me to be friends which was the most confusing thing ever. It all finally ended when she said we were just friends and would be mad at me for feeling jealousy over the situation so one night i went out to the bar with an old friend and posted her on my snapchat. My ex exploded on me making posts saying I was an abuser. I called her that night and unloaded everything on her. I called her selfish manipulative a gaslighter etc.

Part of me feels bad for the way I'd yell at her but she was stringing the situation on for so long saying she refuses to pick between us. Before all of this happened she had told me she could feel her mental health slipping and told me to not let her leave me no matter what. We had just gone on this wonderful 2 week trip across the us. We both agreed it was the best time of our life. She was my first true love and she told me I was hers too. Now I understand some of the issues people with bpd face with love and maybe she didnt love me the way I loved her back, but I know she loved me more than anyone else she had been with. I believe there was some truth to what she said. I also know she has a history of self sabotaging relationships.

Maybe it is over.. I had apologized like 4 different times after each fight and I'd apologize for things that at the time I felt like I was in the wrong for but realize now it was part of her gaslighting and manipulation. I just am looking for guidance if theres anyway to fix things over time. I feel like she started going through an episode because she was afraid id abandon her so she tried to end things first by sabotaging. I dont know if she still loves me or not. I was going to try and reach out and just wish her a happy birthday on august 28th. Maybe we could start talking again.

She talked a lot about therapy and took many measures at the beginning of our relationship to make sure we were healthy. She was doing so good taking care of herself mentally and physically and it breaks my heart seeing her sink lower and lower with this guy.

I wish I realized what she had before all this happened. I only realized she had BPD after everything was said and done. Im worried if the times I yelled at her and pointed out everything wrong she was doing to me might have ruined me in her mind forever.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

She’s in another relationship. What are you hoping for/expecting?

It seems you’ll just have to let this relationship run it’s course. Then perhaps you might have an opportunity to get back together with her.

Should you try and pursue her now, it will likely just drive her farther away.

[SageOfBrains]

Yeah you're right. I guess I'm worried I already pushed her away. I'm also wondering if she ever truly loved me. Reading about bpd has made this aspect of our relationship very confusing. Last time we talked she said she doesnt hate me she just dislikes me which is guess is something. Should I just wait for her to reach out to me? If I was painted black does that ever naturally fade or will she always view me that way?

[WBoase]

Consider yourself first.

If she's BPD you didn't cause this. It's just something that you found yourself involved in. The other man she's found will eventually have to deal with what you're going through,..and the next man, and the next man, ect.

Each man can only provide so much validation.

Let it go.

[SageOfBrains]

I've been trying to let go. Somedays have been harder than others. I know I did some wrong in the relationship and I have learned a lot from this experience. She was my first relationship in 2 years and felt like my first true love. I had been avoiding losing my virginity until I found someone I felt this deeply for. I think those 2 things have made it extremely hard for me to let go and come to terms with everything. I also took a risk and went on a 2 week vacation driving across the us, something Ive never done before. It was the best time of my life and going from all that to such a messy breakup has left me very confused and low.

I just couldnt comprehend how someone could treat me this way after everything we went through.
Maybe all I've been wanting is an apology or explanation for why she treated me this way but I realize that will probably never happen.

[PhoenixKnight]

I think your situation is really quite simple. Painful, but simple. Walk away. Conceal your emotions. Fake it till you make it (but don’t put stupid posts with other girls/daft quotes/try-hard pictures on social media). Be pleasant if spoken to, but DO NOT reach out. No ‘30 days no contact’. Indefinite no contact, until she proves she is for you and no one else.

Girls are attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. The only way you will re-build attraction is by building strength and intrigue. Every show of emotion, every simp-like text pushes her further away. If you want her back you have to be the man you were in the beginning. This takes time.

Realistically though this may not be the best relationship for you. Improve yourself and be the one that got away.

[SageOfBrains]

I guess the one reason I'm wondering when I should reach out is because when we were dating she said she'd never reach out to an ex and that they would have to reach out to her. Maybe it would be different because she felt like I was her first true love. I'd just not reach out otherwise but because of these things I feel like I have to time when I reach out.

[PhoenixKnight]

Of course she wants you to reach out. She wants to know you’re still on the string. You’re her back up, sat in the wings waiting. There’s no sense of loss, no urgency for her to act or wonder. No reason to question her decision. It might take a month, it might take 3. If she cares enough she WILL reach out. She’s made her choice, don’t make it easy for her. If she doesn’t, you’re better without her, better with someone that values and appreciates you.

Human nature is to want things which are less attainable. It’s up to you mate, but ultimately desperation can be smelt a mile off. I’ve had 3 serious girlfriends. My first, a girlfriend of 6 years, broke up with me for someone she met on holiday and had known for 3 days. Her attraction for me had gone. I begged, I pleaded, I wrote poems, I told her I’d wait. I literally pushed her into the new guy by showing how low value I was.

My second (6 years again), and most recent (18 months) I just accepted and wished them luck. I was ‘strong’ (even though dying inside). The second emailed me 2 weeks ago wanting to meet up saying she’s never ‘got over me’ (28 months had passed, granted) and the most recent contacted me after two months wanting to try again (albeit she does suffer from BPD, so I’m not sure how she would feel in 3 months time if I got back with her. That’s not me being disrespectful to her because she has BPD, it’s because she has done this several times before).

Honestly friend, as hard as it is, you need to realise your worth, take her off the pedestal, and acknowledge that silence is your most attractive feature at the moment. Your attraction and value is low in her eyes. You can get it back, but almost counter-productively, the less you do, the better. Ignore anything she said about previous ex’s and first love, you can’t force attraction. Give yourself some breathing room of one month (initially) where you won’t allow yourself to panic. Re attraction is a long road, especially with a third party in the mix.

[SageOfBrains]

Thanks for the advice. I lost my job from a suicide attempt at the time because she had managed to gaslight me into believing I sexually abused her. When she found out she then backtracked hard. Having all this freetime has been terrible for me causing so much overthinking. Im going to the gym now and have a very good job lined up. Im working on myself the best I can in the meantime. I want to bounce back become better than I was.