Divulging and distorting private matters outside the marriage. Really upset.

[Exhausted12]

So... .I am feeling TREMENDOUSLY betrayed... .and in many ways stunned.

My BPDw... .has always been HIGHLY enmeshed to this day to her Mother.

It seems to be a VERY toxic BPD mother to BPD daughter scenario.

As the years go on... .that enmeshment has actually flared upward when her BPD has.

I have long known/suspected that she is perhaps talking way too far out of turn about our marriage and me to her.

So - recently - I came home early form work, and could hear her talking on phone upstairs.

The tone and tenor was highly animated. She was talking to her Mom.

About OUR marriage. About her issues with me.

What made me the most nauseous... .was it was as though she was discussing all of it so impersonal... .detached... .like I was a thing... .as though I was the hated "neighbor"... or "co-worker"... .

BUT I am her HUSBAND. I was almost ILL.

AND these things/issues ... .are NOWHERE CLOSE... .to anything severe. Nothing terrible.

AND here is the thing... .the stunning thing... .she was completely changing the stories.

Flat out runnning through these issues... .and retelling them to make me the bad guy.

She would say... ."yea... i stopped going to do XYZ... .because he wanted me to"... .

AND I NEVEFR EVEN KNEW she was doing XYZ!

She would say 'I decided to quit XYZ because I wanted her to... ."

I supported her and said she should KEEP DOING XYZ!

And ... .on... .and ... .on... .

So... .I am feeling VERY betrayed.

Again -these are NOT earth shattering or abusive,substance, off the wall issues.

WHAT do I come away thinking?

HOW can a spouse do this? WHY WOULD she be OK to do this?

WHAT does this say about OUR bond?

HOW do I get over this?

PLEASE weigh in... .very very shattered by this. (am I overreacting?)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[vortex of confusion]

 

As I read your post, I had a lot of thoughts about it. First, I want to say that I know how difficult it is to hear your spouse twist things when talking to somebody, especially when it is your mother in law.

You were eavesdropping on a conversation and didn't get to hear the other side of it. There have been times when my husband has interrupted me during a conversation when I am on the phone because he feels the need to interject something or correct me. A lot of times, he isn't getting the whole story as to why I am saying the things that I am saying.

I have a mother that is very much BPD or something. I know that there are times that I will start out trying to tell her that I chose to do something. If she persists, I have been known to let her think whatever she wants or even "blame" my husband for something that I know is not his fault. For example, I can tell my mother "I don't want to do blah, blah, blah." She will badger and keep it up so I will alter the story a bit. For some reason my mother can accept something if I tell her that my husband said or did it or asked me to do it. There are times when it seems that she still thinks of me as a child and there are times when I am caught off guard and slip into the role of being a child. I am sharing this to help you realize that what your wife said might not have really had anything to do with you at all even though it sounded like it from your end of things.

As far as her sounding very detached while talking about you, it could very well be a coping mechanism that she uses when she talks to her mother. I spent some time on the phone with my mother today and I felt like I had to completely detach because of some of the things she was saying. If I sound detached and impersonal and keep repeating things instead of getting too personal, it is so much easier to deal with my mother. I don't know if your wife is knowingly doing those things. When you spend a lifetime around crazy, you tend to find coping mechanisms and slip into them at will without even realizing it. I didn't realize that I was doing it until I tried to become more aware of issues with my family of origin and started to identify how I cope and patterns that I have developed over the years.

It might be helpful to read some of the lessons on the different boards. There is a lot of information about BPD on this site and it helps to read it to try to get a grasp on the things that they do. It doesn't make some things hurt less but at least it helps me to not take it so personally.

[Exhausted12]

Thank you Vortex.

I can fully understand what you mean.

But this... .was in large part like she was completely  venting/commiserating about ME.

It was AWFUL to hear. Like - where do I even GO from here?

IF we have problems... .and she loves me... .connected to me... .HOW could she just deride me that way to her parents?

I may not be fully articulating how it felt... .but it was like she was talking about me as if she was NOT connected to me. Like I was just some coworker that she was pissed off at. She spoke with venom about me to her. Disdain. Contempt.

HOW can she not even want to NOT do that? When we are IN a r/s with our spouse... .don't we owe the more?

Of COURSE we go to marriage counseling... .and ALL is fair game to talk of.

BUT ... .her mother?

Again - if there were serious and threatening thigns... ok... .could see that.

But not even close - at all here.

AND... whenever I HAVE questioned if she is doing this... .she has said NO!

HOW does she climb back INTO the tent of our marriage once she opens up the door to her mother like this?

I actually DO THINK... .I understand the motivation by her Mom. Her mom WANTS her to be her little girl still.THAT you got right on. AND what better way than to not only find discourse between us... but to have my wife... go to HER for advice and counsel... .

I am sick over this only as I do NOT know how I get over it.

[jedimaster]

Sounds quite familiar.  There's no end to the projects, activities, hobbies, etc, that my uBPDw has stopped doing and blamed me.  I finally have been able to let go of the guilt and blame and accept that she is only hurting herself.  She recently sold and gave away 30+ years of arts and crafts supplies and equipment in yet another overreaction.  This time I have been sympathetic but have not accepted one iota of blame or made more than a token attempt to talk her out of it.  Her reactions have been unusual, like she is struggling for a foothold so she can start the blame game we're both so familiar with.  So far I have been successful in not giving her a place to launch from--hopefully I can keep it going until the emotions die down.

As for the talking, my wife has a strained r/s with her mother so they don't talk in that way.  Obviously since you heard her she is talking about you at least to one person.  My thoughts would be to view it the same as if she were making false accusations to your face--she is trying to deal with emotions she is having by reconstructing her reality.  It's not about you, it's about what's going on inside her.  It's still hard, but I think the same principle applies.  Grey Kitty or someone more experienced on here might have some better thoughts.

My wife recently started making comments to the effect that she "wasn't hiding the truth about me anymore;" i.e., she was supposedly telling her girlfriends all about my problems and faults.  That bothered me since we have never made a practice of airing our dirty laundry outside the home.  So I started quietly doing some digging and asking around and the best I can tell, (a) about 95% is her imaginary reality; she's not really talking/emailing/texting anyone; and (b) when I do find someone she's tried to talk to, I am met with eye-rolling, knowing smiles, etc, and generally wondering how I manage to live with her and how come it's taken me so long to catch on.  She doesn't realize all these people she's telling the "truth" to have soo got her number.  I'm keeping my ears open, but I've stopped worrying about anything she says to anyone else.  She's just digging her own grave.

Your life and who you are as a person will speak volumes more to the people around you than her ranting.  Trust in yourself and who you know you are.  I'm learning to do that after many many years of doubting.

[michel71]

Can I weigh in on this from a different angle, and I don't mean to hijack the thread. I fully understand how devastated Exhausted feels. I mean, in no way is he like what was portrayed by his wife to his mother in law. He feels slighted by her and upset that she has talked outside the marriage.

My question is this though. I am married to a raging BPD. My life has been in chaos. As much as I respected our marital bond, I felt the need out of pure desperation to talk to some trusted confidants. I was and still am in crisis. My wife found out about it by hacking into my email account. She saw a couple of emails, "tell all" emails, that she never was supposed to see. They even mentioned my armchair diagnosis of her BPD. This was devastating to her and she felt slighted the same way as Exhausted.

If my mother were alive and she was a trusted confidant ( which she never actually was) I may have turned to her. Although I must admit that a parent is a VERY CLOSE tie. A friend is more disinterested and arguably less protective.

I am a bit conflicted about this.

My therapist said I had every right to speak to trusted friends and get support under my circumstances and that I had a right to privacy.

Is there ever any justification for talking about your marriage if you are in crisis? Exhausted's wife is a BPD. They are always in crisis in their mind.

[flowerpath]

AND these things/issues ... .are NOWHERE CLOSE... .to anything severe. Nothing terrible.

AND here is the thing... .the stunning thing... .she was completely changing the stories.

Flat out runnning through these issues... .and retelling them to make me the bad guy.

Hi, Exhausted12.   ^^ That looks like an example of how some people with BPD turn their feelings into facts. 

Before I knew anything about BPD, I came across some communication that my husband had with his family.  I was stunned at the things he wrote and how his family was taking it all in -  hook, line, and sinker.  They don't know the facts, and they don't know he turns his feelings into fact, so they accept what he says as being true. 

Someone on this site explained to me that there was likely some element of truth in what he expressed, and even though the things he said to his family were either part truth or not true at all, his feelings are real to him.  Some of the things he said appeared to have been said to gain sympathy or to incite one of his siblings to say something very critical of me or my family members.  And that is validating to him!

Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells and the lessons, advice, and experiences of others on this site have helped me to have a better perspective of what I have lived with and what is going on now.  Stuff is going to happen that I don't want to happen, but I'm learning better ways to protect myself from it, even if sometimes it's just in the way I think about it. 

Hang in there! 

[MissyM]

I am very familiar with this, in regards to my dBPDh and it used to have a very negative effect on our relationship.  My dBPDh's therapist had my dBPDh put down as an unacceptable behavior to talk about me with anyone besides in therapy and no bad mouthing me to anyone.  His therapist said that he uses this to reinforce his victim mentality and not only was it unhealthy for our relationship but it was ultimately unhealthy for my dBPDh.  I understand the hurt, anger and down right disgust over this behavior.  The lying about me and trying to get people to align with my dBPDh against me was maddening and I believe it is abusive behavior.  For me, this had to stop or I wasn't willing to be in a relationship. I do not need to be in a relationship with someone that is going to character assassinate me with others.  Is your BPDw willing to make an agreement that the two of you don't talk badly about the other?