It's been a while.
Spring is rolling through, enjoying time with my son in the nice weather.

Still out of work, although I expect that to change soon.

Dating hasn't really been a thing. I am somewhat content with my solitude, which is saying a lot for me as I usually aim to be with someone.

It has been a while since I missed anything about the relationship. I even think about the dogs a lot less these days. The anger is gone, as is the jealousy. I find myself thinking a lot about what a new relationship with a new person will be like. Not ways to fix ours if it were ever an option again. It isnt and thats my choice.
I wish I could say my mind has been free of it though. Despite not wanting anything back, and not even actively missing anything about it, I still get a lot of random memories, and thoughts.
I look forward to when I go weeks without even thinking about anything connected to her at all.

Its refreshing to not have gotten angry in so long.

I firmly believe that PWBPD are adult predatory groomers.

I believe she picked me because I have been susceptible to it previously.   I believe she turned the tables and made me feel I doing something wrong,  couldn't be trusted,  that I just wanted sex, that I didn't love her and on it goes.

I saw it in the next monkey branch, she picked someone she had power over,  who was plain and not very worldly. 

Grooming is a tool that predators use to gain the trust of a target, and ultimately manipulate that trust to gain sexual, monetary, or other advantages. You may have heard the term as it applies to children, but adults can also groom other adults. In fact, some adults may use other adults, and particularly women, to help them in their grooming.

As with other forms of manipulation, grooming is not a simple cut-and-dry technique. It plays on an individual’s insecurities and, even in a strong-minded person, can wreak havoc psychologically.

Recognizing grooming for what it is can help you avoid being groomed yourself or help you support a friend survive a predator.


The Stages of Grooming
Master manipulators use grooming to get what they want out of someone, whether it’s sex, morally questionable behavior, money, or something else. (Does Dirty John ring a bell?)

Whether the target is an adult or child, the stages of grooming by the predator toward their target are typically the same:

Friendship-forming: The predator will work to determine a target’s candidacy by asking questions about the target’s life and gauging their vulnerability, and also getting contact information such as social media handles or phone numbers.
Relationship-forming: The predator works to gain the target’s trust, often through secret-sharing or by fulfilling a need. For instance, they may run errands for the victim or pay for bills. The predator may also share a secret that “only the target can know”, then ask for a similar secret to level the playing field.

Threat-gauging: The predator will engage in a risk assessment to determine how accessible the victim truly is. This is more common among predators who are grooming children but can also happen with adults who will check a target’s relationship strength with friends, family, and roommates.

Isolation: The predator will begin distancing the target from friends or family. This can be done in multiple ways, including surprisingly positive methods such as compliments and favors. The predator may tell the intended victim that they feel an especially strong connection to them, or that they understand each other in a special way that no one else can get. Control is the predator’s intent. By appearing calm and concerning, the predator is seeking to increase their influence over the victim to advance their agenda.

Abuse: In this phase, the predator will start to use the target to meet their needs. With children, this is generally sexual in nature, but predators will use victims for money, to accomplish morally questionable things for them, or even just to fill an emotional need.

Maintenance: Once the victim is doing what the predator wants, the predator will work to keep them under control through various means. These methods can include gas-lighting (telling the victim their feelings are crazy or unreasonable), destroying the victim’s self-esteem, or continuing the isolate the victim from their loved ones.


I KNOW I WAS GROOMED

That is what happened to me as a child and this person did it to me again, because they saw I could be.

How could you do that to someone who was abused as a child.  HOW COULD YOU!

Tell me that isn't a monster and there is no intent.  CRAP!  There is intent.

I see it in some of the writing here.  I see some men here saying they were sexually abused by the pwBPD.  That is a lot for an adult man to admit and many people would simply say how that could be.  Men are always supposed to like sex and it is supposed to be on their minds all the time.  Some men on this forum express how they were handled, and they feel abused.  Not many people would understand that.  Thanks for being so brave and speaking out. 

I knew I recognized the trauma I am feeling.   Now I know, I know how to solve it and I know what I need to do so I am not groomed again.

I have found this site very interesting and informative and would like to share my story as I think BPD traits could be present.
 
I met a girl through an online dating app almost three years ago now and we had contact for a month or two but never met due to the traveling nature of both her and my job. I did, however, sense that a lot of the communication didn't make sense. E.g. she suddenly said she was moving to a neighbouring country the day after she said she loved our country so much. To be honest I wondered if this was a real person at all, and just faded away so the conversation stopped. At this time, we were chatting on WhatsApp, so I had her number.
 
Then almost 6 months later we ran into each other by coincidence on a regional flight. We immediately recognised each other but didn't talk due to our seats being in different areas of the plane. She did however come walking down the aisle and smiling and flirting during the flight. Afterwards I sent her a WhatsApp message (I had kept her number) and she was extremely intense and interested in meeting straight away (I had already left the airport by then). She apologised her strange behaviour 6 months earlier and claimed it was because someone was stalking her, and was afraid it was me (in aftermath, another red flag….). Anyway, we planned to meet the next day, but she had to cancel due to being called for work. Then it was a lot back and forth.
We finally met at a bar a few weeks later (she cancelled 10 minutes before, but showed up as I said I was waiting there already) and we spent an hour together talking. A few days later I asked her out for dinner, and again a lot of push/pull from her side. I then put some pressure on her, and she then came to the city centre for dinner the same day. We had a really good time, and she was clear on her objective of starting a family withing 3-4 years (natural due to her being in her early 30s). I really sensed we had chemistry, and she was obviously charmed, and I asked her a few days later if she would come to my place for dinner. She said she would, but then 1 hour before our date she cancelled again. I had everything set up and was a bit frustrated of course. Then we texted a bit back and forth, she said she would come - then wanted to postpone… Then she suddenly went dead silent and didn't answer my phone call and never showed up. At this time, I was fed up and texted her a few days later but no reply. Then a week later she suddenly texted me and wanted to meet for dinner again, and "explained" she had gone to visit her family in another part of the country instead. (No apologise, just an explanation.) I was hesitant and she immediately got a bit aggressive and didn't accept that. I gave in and made a new appointment. This time I had a backup plan the same evening due to my previous experience. Guess what - she never turned up, and she didn't even give notice!
 
At that point I was shocked and by her behaviour and we just sent a few texts after that. Again, she never apologised, just came up with some explanation I really can't remember what was.
 
Then, I (stupidly, but I really missed her) sent a text to her 6 months later and she was again very positive and wanted to meet. She said she was afraid the last time but should have told me - but now she was in a different place (again - no apology). I fell for this, and two weeks later I went to her hometown and met in a hotel. We spent that weekend together, and the next weekend. She came to my hometown and stayed there for a few days and several weekends during the next two months. Things escalated quickly (I guess I was idealised), and she talked a lot about having a baby (which made me proceed with caution). I guess this was the love bombing stage, and I was of course over the moon at this point. I even asked her to be exclusive, and she wanted that as well. I noticed, however, that something wasn't right, e.g.:
 
•   She was suspicious of me having cameras in the bedroom.
•   Obsessed with my ex and forced me to show a picture of her
•   Once she heard a noise from the living room and immediately asked if I had a crazy ex with keys to the apartment
•   She accused me of surveilling her (which I didn't). Once I drove her to a neighbouring town where she was to meet a co-worker but told me stop by an apartment block. On the way there she said there was a dashboard light in her car that had illuminated. I told her I could check this out, but then she turned aggressive and accused me of not believing that she had parked her car where she said it was parked. I was quite perplexed so just dropped her off and went back.
•   Another time she was in a hotel near the airport, and I called her in the morning to wish her a nice flight. She sounded strange when she answered and was noticeably short. Immediately after we hung up, I got a text from her saying "You just wanted to check where I was?".
•   Extremely impulsive. Suddenly she could say she wanted to change her career, then not work at all, and stay at home with her future kids etc. Then she said she wanted to live in 4-5 different countries / cities, travel to another continent the following week etc.
•   Change of moods: Once on our way to a restaurant, she suddenly was angry for something I did earlier that day and starter making plans with her gay friend instead of me. Then 10 minutes later she was happy again and called off those plans and spent the night with me as planned. Interestingly, she was living at my place for the weekend, so I am not sure how she had planned that out.
 
Anyway, I really was in love with this woman (or the idea of her I had created in my mind), so I wanted to give her a chance. Fast forward and she called me from a work trip abroad in the evening saying she wanted to start a new life with family and kids, and hoped I was the man she would do this with. Then she added that she was depressed. I said I also wanted this, and I suggested we discussed this when she came to my place the next weekend. She didn't come as she wasn't feeling well, and I noticed her started pulling away and called her to have a talk. She then said she wanted to be single, and that family was not that important to her anyways. Also, she started accusing me of creating plans to establish a future in my hometown where she didn't want to live. I politely said this was not the case, and she then went on saying I kept asking where she was all the time. This was not correct either, but when she called when traveling I felt it was natural to ask where she currently was. I felt like she was projecting her issues on me, and not being honest at all.
 
Anyway, I said I was sad to hear that she didn't want to continue. She added the usual BS that she didn't want to lose what he had and so on. I then went cold turkey, and three weeks later she contacted me saying she was thinking about me. We texted a little back and forth - still eager to meet me. A few months later I asked her about a restaurant in her hometown and she immediately asked if I was going there without meeting her. A bit surprised I said I was not under the impression she wanted that. Then a few days later she wrote "this conversation is not leading anywhere, wish you all the best". I didn't reply but felt this was really strange and reached out saying I was surprised how she suddenly felt. She then blocked me, and two months later I see her posing with a new boyfriend clearly posing to indicate she's pregnant (which I found out she is). I also found out the new boyfriend is a senior / manager in the same company she works. I immediately felt cheated on and deceived, as I believe it's obvious that she had this relationship going on at the same time as with me. This was much
tougher than the actual breakup even though we weren't together for more than a few months. I know I should have cut her off earlier, but it's not easy when things are going on.
 
Finally, I decided to let her know I knew what she had been up to and sent her a text explaining that I had been honest with her, and my intention with her was real (with establishing a family etc.) and wished her good luck. I also added that I knew about her new situation, and that being dishonest is not best thing to do over time. She then replied immediately claiming she didn't understand what I was talking about, and that we just went on a few dates. Then she sent another aggressive message saying that I could talk to her boyfriend if I wanted to, but that it wasn't going to be pleasant. I never replied of course, and she blocked me.

Based on what I've read on this site I recognise some of this behaviour as BPD traits, but it would be interesting to hear some feedback from you guys. Also, I am still feeling a bit down after this experience, and I wondered if anyone could share some tips on moving on?

Hi,

I'd like to start by saying that I have found the resources on this site to be invaluable and I'd like to thank you all for starting this site and the participants for their insights. There is a bit of healing for me in just knowing I am not alone in this and that we all share a common bond.

After a ten year relationship with someone formally diagnosed by a psychiatrist with BPD and anxiety after our breakup, I'm having a very hard time recovering. I know 10 years is a long time and it's only been a year since going NC, and the good days are good, but in the bad days, I'm very low and need to find a way to take my power back from her fully, given the particular circumstances of my situation that I will talk about below.

I had been in therapy from the time my business partner passed away (2 and a half years ago) until about 2 months ago when I was feeling consistently good for a few weeks at a time and didn't have much to report to him. This past year, with the exception of the past few weeks, I have been putting in the work (journaling, self care, exercise, meditation, long walks, reading etc, though I am drinking more than I would like, which isn't helping). I think I'm just tired. Actually, I know I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm no stranger to the grieving process (although when I would go through a traumatic loss, I would have to try to support her through it, and I know know it's because she stepped out on us when I was going through some heavy losses, and this in hindsight is what was truly causing her BPD to flare up. The loss > her stepping out with someone else > the spiral > the recovery > rinse and repeat).

In the past 7 years, I've lost my mom to pancreatic cancer, my cousin who was a best friend from a heart attack at 47, and two years ago, one of my best friends and business partner from a covid related illness). After losing my business partner is when she started her most recent affair with a mutual acquaintance from a nearby dog park who lives two blocks from me. We would watch his dog for him and he for us. She had apparently lied to him and told him that we were broken up and still living together to open the door with him. To prove to him that she and I were still friends and broken up, just living together, she actually had me pick him and his dog up and take us all to the dog park after she had started her affair with him. I knew something was off that day (she was being distant while we were all together), but deep down inside, being that she and our dog were the only ones I looked at as family close, I didn't want to accept the fact that I was losing her too. I had already lost too much. I did confront her about my feeling and was gaslit to the point where I thought I was losing my mind.

I'm still having nightmares about her and of our dog that I had to give to her when going NC that we raised from a puppy. Like I said, it's been a year. She was using our dog as a manipulation tool to stay close to me. When I kicked her out, she moved straight from my house to his that day (2 blocks away) and has been living there since (one year). I often see her car in the street which triggers me. I've thought about moving, but for the price I'm paying now, I would get half of the space that I currently have (and I love my apartment, neighborhood, neighbors and landlord).

I also learned after our breakup that she was unfaithful to me with at least four different partners and their on and off affairs had longevity. At one point she flew a lover (that at one point I had suspicions about, confronted her, and was gaslit) to New Orleans the day I left there (her birthday weekend) telling me she got me a different flight because there was no more availability on the flight she had booked for herself and that her dad was going to pick her up from the airport and she was going to spend the night with her parents. He flew in to meet her the day I left for a night. She was also not going through a divorce like she had told me when we met. She was still with her husband. She's a classic 'monkey brancher' and one of the most amazing actresses and manipulators one could ever imagine. If anyone is wondering how I know everything I know, though I had issue with the ethics of it, she left her email open on my computer and yes, after I learned about the affair (and abortion - details below), after much deliberation, I went through it. She kept so many receipts, screenshots etc saved, that it actually made it easy for me to walk away from her and not look back. Everyone in my inner and outer circles thought she was an absolutely incredible human. She speaks 3 languages, dedicates her life to serving the homeless, is unimaginably charming and is very physically attractive.

Before diagnosis, she had my therapist fooled (she had sat in on some of my sessions with me), her therapist of 8 years fooled (I had sat in on some of her sessions) and she had our couples therapist (whose specialty is BPD diagnosis) fooled that we saw together the last few months before the wheels fell off. She deserves all of the EMMYs. 

I think (aside from all of the self doubt, manipulation, deprecation, emotional abuse - body shaming me and losing our dog to her), the most incredible thing she did is got pregnant with dog park guy, had an abortion and told me it was my baby and that we had had a miscarriage. Why she said anything at all is way beyond my realm of comprehension. Granted, as in any relationship, I was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination (especially after so many losses and trying to handle being her support during my time of need), but I most certainly did not deserve this. I was always supportive of her mentally and emotionally and was always faithful to her. I loved who I thought she was, regardless of any shortcomings and always tried to be supportive.

I recently had a few encounters that have been difficult to handle for me, I recently saw her cousin when out and started shaking and lost my breath. I couldn't lift a glass to my mouth. The same happened when I saw dog park guy's best friend on a walk (it's strangely happened 3 times in the past few weeks). Then, last week on a walk, I finally saw her walking their dogs out of the corner of my eye walking the opposite way on the opposite side for the street, and she literally gave me a goofy smile. I looked away and kept walking, but seeing her, and that exchange, set me back in lot of way this past week. That strange smile is etched in my brain.

Were the good times good? Were they even real? I have so many fond memories of what i thought were some of the best times of my life with her and our dog (I was so grateful for this family that I thought I had) and now I don't believe they ever really existed, because I truly had no idea who this person was that I was sleeping next to for 10 years.

I'm starting to feel like I'm exhibiting symptoms of PTSD (nightmares, uncontrollable shaking when triggered, drinking too much etc.).

What can I do (aside from what I've been doing and going back to therapy) to get my control / power / strength / happiness back? I'm learning to love myself again, on my own (and have had a few light romantic relationships since which came and went when they were supposed to).

I wonder when the nightmares will fade and how long it will take until I am no longer feeling broken given that they live so close to me and the triggers affect me in such a profound way. I know this was a lot to take in, and thank you all so much for taking the time to read this.

Any insights, suggestions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you all in advance.

PWRBCK

Hi Steppenwolf,

I think you are on to something here. I am also nuerodivirgent. I am not on the autism spectrum, nor do I have ADHD, but I do have a high IQ (I am a member of Mensa) and I have been told by two therapists that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP.) One of them gave me a book to read on HSPs and, apparently, we make up about 10 percent of the population. We are the polar opposites of a High Conflict Person (HCP) who also make up about 10 percent of the population. Most pwBPD fall into the category of HCPs, but not all HCPs are pwBPD.

HCPs feed off of conflict. It recharges their batteries and they are always looking to generate more conflict to feed off of. HSPs are highly empathic and absorb the feelings of those around them. Because HSPs have so much empathy, they can be easily overwhelmed by negativity and will do almost anything to avoid conflict. A match between an HCP and an HSP is highly toxic for the HSP, but it is a goldmine for the HCP. The HCP will generate drama/conflict and the HSP will absorb it. The HCP feels recharged and the HSP feels drained. The HSP will not run away though because we feel empathy for the HCP who is so obviously in distress and in need of help. This is not a codependent relationship. The HSP can, and often does, get physically ill because they are drained to the point of exhaustion.

High-IQ individuals are more likely to be HSPs. The higher the IQ, the more likely they are to be HSP. From my casual observation of the discourse on these boards, it seems like most of us "nons" would fall into the category of high-IQ people. We are, for the most part, successful in most aspects of our lives outside of our romantic relationships with our BPD partners. This is not the marker of a codependent person. I believe that pwBPD are drawn to us HSPs, unconsciously, because we provide them with the perfect match (for them at least.) We do not have all of the baggage that a codependent would bring to the table, but we do have a huge reserve of empathy that they are dying to tap into. That's my working theory at least.

HurtAndTired