Kissing

[Aurylian]

Hi all.      It's bee a while since I have been on here. 

Very brief synopsis: I have been using the tools (validation, boundaries, etc.) and the marriage is surviving and my BPDw ends up being regulated most of the time.  Nothing like it used to be.  Still no real ups, but the downs aren't as bad. 

Problem: Kissing.  We have a limited sex life, mostly because of my lack of interest due to our lack of true intimacy, and that she won't initiate.  But, recently she has said she wants more longer and intimate kissing.  Our kissing was probably hot 15 years ago, but since then it has just been pecks.  I can do sex to keep things regulated, but the kissing thing is really difficult for me.  It feels inappropriate and I feel totally claustrophobic--like I need to escape.  I can't even fake it.  Options as I see them:

1)   Ignore it and hope it goes away (admittedly a poor way of handling it);

2)   Confess I’m not comfortable with more than pecks and suggest counseling, although I have no idea who with (I don't trust her T, and there aren't many good T's in our area); followed by her dysregulating at the idea we actually have intimacy problems.

3)   Just jump in and fake it the best I can and hope it is good enough until God miraculously intervenes.

Any stayers have a good solution?

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[dmiller]

Well, maybe because it's been so long it's just uncomfortable. Do you think there's a possiblity that it could be like it used to be if you both put forth the effort? There have been times when I just totally felt like he didn't need to even try intimacy with me at all. But once I gave it a chance I still did have that feeling, it just felt like it was deep, deep and had been gone for sometime. But the time you are talking is along time so... .  maybe just communicate with her your deliema. Then again you are dealing with a BPD so... .  who knows how that would truly work out for you. Good luck. I think you are the only one who truly knows your situation and what would work best. Will be praying for you.

[briefcase]

 

It's great to hear from you!  Your question is timely and these kinds of issues have been on my mind a lot.  This is a more general response, but I hope it helps answer your question about the kissing/initimacy issue.

I've noticed that we tend to reach a plateau in these relationships.  After the tools stop the daily emotional hemorrhaging, we are left to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild trust and intimacy in the relationship.  Usually both partners feel like they've been burned by the other and are therefore wary and slow to be vulnerable again.

Its kind of like being at a swimming pool.  Most of us were poor swimmers who dove straight into the deepest end . . . and we almost drowned.  We had to "learn to swim" under difficult - perilous - conditions.  But we did!  We made it to the edge of the pool, and hoisted ourselves out of danger.  After that, the pool feels unsafe.  So, we sit on the edge, barely dangling our feet in the water.      

If we really want to stay in these relationships, and have any intimacy, we have to be willing to walk back into the shallow end of the pool and splash around some.    

Couples therapy may be a place to work on the intimacy issues.  You can also do things that start to build a little intimacy in other ways.  Maybe other kinds of physical contact -- hugs, hand-holding in public, back rubs, etc.  Or, just talking to her about more intimate things in general, sharing your day to day stuff, admitting some vulnerabilities, etc.  

Its great that she's sharing her needs with you.  Maybe let her know you want more intimacy too, and would like to work on rebuilding that part of the relationship.  And yes, maybe just kissing her more will help.  

The goal, I think, is to get back to a place where you actually want to give her those hot kisses again.          

       

 

 

 

[Aurylian]

Its great that she's sharing her needs with you.  Maybe let her know you want more intimacy too, and would like to work on rebuilding that part of the relationship.  And yes, maybe just kissing her more will help.  

Yes, in part I was happy to hear her express a need without using emo blackmail or manipulation.  It was straightforward and positive.  I wish I could just give it to her.

You are right that I have to let her know I'm interested in the same thing, but there are some things I need also. 

Here is where it gets difficult though.  Taking from "Beyond Boundaries" (Townsend), the issue is relational trust--how safe it is to trust the other person with your vulnerabilities and feelings, e.g. when you admit a weakness, reveal a need, admit a mistake, have a failure, or talk about trouble from the past.  Even though we have made progress in some areas, I would have to say I have zero relational trust.  Progress in the kissing/intimacy realm would have to start from sea level (or maybe the Mariana Trench) and I don't see her being up to handling that.  Nor do I have any idea who would coach us through it.  It cannot come from me as that would make me good and her bad, which never works.  It would have to be a skilled third party.  Her T is great on empathy, but loose on accountability or creating a game plan.

I haven't looked at to see if there are any new T's in the area in the last year or so.  I'll start there.

[briefcase]

Here is where it gets difficult though.  Taking from "Beyond Boundaries" (Townsend), the issue is relational trust--how safe it is to trust the other person with your vulnerabilities and feelings, e.g. when you admit a weakness, reveal a need, admit a mistake, have a failure, or talk about trouble from the past.  Even though we have made progress in some areas, I would have to say I have zero relational trust.

This is kind of what I meant by "walking into the shallow end" of the "pool."  There is real danger in jumping right back into this with a lot of emotional vulnerability.  Start small, and work your way up - see if you can build some trust.  Stop at the depth you feel comfortable.  Use SET to communicate your truth to her, etc.  Take it slow. 

Any luck locating a therapist?