Big,Sad Blow-Out Tonight

[Theo41]

Both of us have been pretty stressed out. She came to me while i was watching TV,happy with a gift she had recieved. In the course of conversation she took strong exception to something innocuous I said. It was just an honest question i had. She flared and told me my question was stupid. As is her MO she demeaned me and would not let it go. I felt trapped by her sitting on the couch in front of me and wanted to remove myself from what I perceived as a punishing situation. This escalated and she ran after me and tried to get me not to leave. Eventually she tried to get infront of the car and also tried to get in the car which I had locked.

The only two things I did right was:

1. To not allow her to succeed in stopping me from leaving.

2. I told her I would be back in 2 hrs.

I'm home now and she's gone. No note. Have no idea where she is or if she will be coming back tonight. I have feelings about this which are very mixed

1. I'm glad she's not here. It makes me very uncomfortable to be around her when she is in a bad mood -most of the time lately. (And we had a terrible face to face two days ago, as well)

2. I feel the sensation of fear which used to be so powerful in these situations in the past that I would fold like a house of cards and apologize for my part.

This is the first time she has left. I packed a bag tonight in case she returns, gets aggressive with me again, and I end up feeling I need to leave. Any comments/suggestions? Theo

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Surnia]

Hi Theo

You did 3 things right. Which is great.

You took care of your space and you communicated you will be back. And you are prepared for the next blow out. 

I know all these things are very stressful.   

Being assertive and not collapsing or apologizing.

Keep us posted.

[Theo41]

Thanks Surnia. Came back an hour and a half later to a dark apt. She was out but came back shortly. She had been drinking some.  She stood at the head of my bed And talked at me for about 40 minutes straight. She's been rejected over and over. Does not get any physical attention fron me. (this is the underlying problem - shes still attractive physically but the bad acting behavior has turned me off from intimacy.)Knows when she's not wanted. Leaving at the end of the month broken hearted. All my fault. She's not willing to go for treatment, take antidepressants ( prescribed) or Stop drinking .  I finally had to threaten to leave again if she didn't knock it off ( was totally wrung out and didn't have alcohol in me  to fuel a second war. )Then she went to bed in the guest bedroom. I wrote her a kind and succinct email in the night telling her I love her and always will. I apologized for over reacting (i almost hit her wi the car)and assured her I meant nothing negative when I asked her a question about the gift. That I will try to be more affectionate but that she needs to not react to me inappropriately and needs to give me breathing room when I need it. My email was well received and the fight was over. We had a very nice day today and including some affection... My assessment: I could have been firmer but at least I did tell her she needs to be more considerate of my feelings and give me breathing room. (my boundries).

Any observations / suggestions would be most appreciated. THeo