Just finished 3rd MC session and feel like crap

[Hmcbart]

Thanks for the replies. I was out of town camping with my oldest and Boy Scouts for the last 6 days. No phone service, no internet and no contact with anyone other than the scouts. It was the most peaceful week I have had in a long time.

I got home Saturday and things started out well but went off the rails quickly. It came to a head last night and we were up until 2:30 am. I told her my feelings on everything and even how I have to worry about every word I say because of how she will interpret it. She asked me several times if I would be happier if we were divorced. After several times of saying no I finally left abd went for a drive. On my drive I have a moment of clarity and decided that if things don't change then I'm not going to be able to continue.

After I got home we spoke about everything. I told her that she was right and that I was not happy and that the way things are I wasn't going to be. She said that when we got home from camping I was happy and smiling and that was the person who she fell in love with and who she wants to be with physically. I explained that that person is still there and has always been there. I said, that person is right in front of you but when you're angry you only see the mean person.

I explained that I deserve to be happy and so does she. I told her that I feel that everything has been so one sided for so long that the person she loves is getting eclipsed by the bitter person she hates. I let her know that I can't do it any longer. It's not fair for me to fore go my own happiness and my needs to try and make her happy. It's also not fair for her because the person she loves and needs is being replaced by someone who isn't happy and doesn't want to do things to make her happy or fulfill her needs. I told her I can't do it anymore.

I let her know that I do love her more than anything in the world but I'm not going to stay if we don't make some changes. I let her know that we both need to make changes. It's not just her and its not just me but both of us if we want to keep our marriage alive. I let her know that in the past we have had these discussions but they all centered around the changes I need to make. I told her that it's not going to happen that way now. If she didn't take a hard look at how she treats me and make some changes within herself then I'm done. I let her know that I'm not putting everything on her to make changes that I also need to change my own behaviors and actions and she deserves that from me.

She brought up the subject of sex and affection and I let her know that those were also part of the changes. I let her know that I want to be married to her and that included sex abs affection. I choose to be with her and only her but that she has to meet me in the middle somewhere.

We talked about how it's her body and if she not comfortable with it that she shouldn't have to do it. I agreed but asled her to seek a sexual therapist to help her get over what ever is causing her to not want to do this. I reminded her of what age toms me in December , that sex will happen when she wants it to and only then and if I don't want it to be this way my only choice is to divorce her. I let her know that if this was going to be the rule going forward then my choice is to leave. I let her know that I have given up everything that I want and need when it comes to our sex life and I'm not going to do it any longer.

I let her know that I won't put up with the silent treatment, belittling, criticisms and mean comments when she is upset. I don't deserve it and neither does she.

I guess in a way I told her my boundaries and what I want and need from my wife. I didn't say it as a threat or in anger. I only let her know what I can and can't accept any longer.

I know that what I did was not the correct way to go about it and ultimatums are never good, but I am done giving up on my own happiness. I think a week in the woods with no contact showed me how happy I can be without all the drama and anger. I now understand where my limit is and I'm there. The fog is so thick and when you can finally get out of it, even for a week, you can see what you're missing in life. Life is too short to live unhappily. Life is too short to give up your own feelings for someone else. Life is too beautiful to let it pass you by while you are stuck in the fog.

I don't know how our story will end, I don't know if I really got through to her last night. I only know that today I'm writing a new chapter. It will either be the last one in the book or the first one in a new book. The ending in the book of life is always the same but it's the parts in the middle that count.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Are you perfectly clear in your mind what happens if your ultimatums are not met, and at what level this cuts in?

Is it simply a deal breaker boundary, or are there boundaries and consequences before you reach a deal breaker situation?

It is good that you have reached a state where you know exactly what you are trying to achieve so that you can go about trying to turn things around.

[formflier]

 

HMC,

Hang in there!  I'm glad you have had a moment of clarity and have expressed yourself.

The ball is in her corner... .but please don't wait on her to respond... .keep pushing forward to a healthier you.

Be the Dad and Husband you want to be... .don't ask for permission... .or wait on a response from her to do this.

FF