Just a few questions regarding my ex and BPD in general

[theodorus]

Hi,

I'm new. My name is Theodorus. I was in a relationship with a BPD woman for almost 5 years, we both met in the loony bin, and fell in love. She was my first (and probably my last) girlfriend, and also the one to take my virginity. The 5 years were turbulent, and we both had problems, but we loved each other, and still enjoyed each other's company.

Despite the fact that she's my 'ex', I'm posting this under "staying", because she's still in my life, and we still spend a lot of time together.

We broke up (supposedly) in the summer, because I was too sick to go to school and I wasn't doing anything with my life. Well... .neither was she. She misses a TON of work, and missed almost all of last year. Now she's missing even more work, and keeps taking more and more time off.

Of course, the big plan for her was... ."I'm gonna go to work, I'm gonna get a condo, I'm gonna get on with my life!"  Of course, this is all just the "false self" talking, because she's the laziest, most irresponsible person I've ever met, by a long shot, and I knew that she was going to remain stagnant.

And of course, now that she's off work, her family rotates between wanting her around and not wanting her around, so she still wants to see me and spend time with me. Now that she's not at work, she has no high horse to stand on, and can't judge me for not working or going to school.

I see the hippocracy and inconsistency in her thoughts and behavior, and I just can't take her seriously... .at all. Are we even broken up?

The questions I'm trying to ask are as follows:

1. Are BPDs capable of actually feeling real love?

2. If she didn't actually love me, would her illness trick her into staying?

3. Does she just hang around because she literally has no where else to go?

4. Do people with BPD have real feelings, and can actually recognize them, or is everything kind of illusion (to them and to me)?

The best defense against BPD, for me, is to keep her at arms length. Now that I know she's not going anywhere, I don't have to worry about a 'real' break up, because she literally has no one else in her life, where she can be herself and not be judged.  She even lives here sometimes. She's not leaving, even if she says she is. If she does, I expect that too, one day, and I've already gone through the tears, I can move on.

The good thing about the "break up", is that I have NO responsibilities to the relationship, and I don't have to see her family, or get her presents.

I stay with her, because we don't really fight that much, and we do enjoy each other's company. We're not bored of each other. There is no abuse. The sex is still enjoyable. Also, we're both mentally ill, and we really can't be in relationships with other people.

I do love her. Is she even capable of loving me?

This is about as coherent as I can make my post. I hope I didn't ramble too much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Hi Theodorus, welcome!

The questions I'm trying to ask are as follows:

1. Are BPDs capable of actually feeling real love?

2. If she didn't actually love me, would her illness trick her into staying?

3. Does she just hang around because she literally has no where else to go?

4. Do people with BPD have real feelings, and can actually recognize them, or is everything kind of illusion (to them and to me)?

1. BPD's are capable of long lasting emotional ties with another person where they want to be with them a lot. This relationship is filtered through their personal lens in both directions so can be quite distorted.

2. Sure her illness could trick her into staying if she didn't love you. Like you say she doesn't really have any other place to go. If you were in the same situation, what would you do?

3. It could be she hangs around because she has no other place to go. It could be that she loves you. It could be both. It's probably both.

4. From my point of view people with BPD have more real feelings that you or I.  The problem is that value is place on those feelings over and above what other people and common sense would dictate. Quite often it seems like they see no difference between their feelings and facts, and if there is a question as to which is more relevant, feelings win.

It sounds like a tough situation that both of you are going through. I highly recommend going through the lessons (links on the sidebar) to learn more about BPD and what we can all do to improve things. Most importantly work on yourself so you can learn how you've attracted this energy into your life.

Best of luck,

Jongo

[steve195915]

The questions I'm trying to ask are as follows:

1. Are BPDs capable of actually feeling real love?

2. If she didn't actually love me, would her illness trick her into staying?

3. Does she just hang around because she literally has no where else to go?

4. Do people with BPD have real feelings, and can actually recognize them, or is everything kind of illusion (to them and to me)?

Here are my opinions:

1.  I don't believe BPD's feel real love.  There's no way someone can feel true love and then leave you one day for no apparent reason and feel no remorse and start dating someone else immediately.  Love is shown in actions and the BPD's actions are not consistent with love. They may say they love you but it's more about you meeting their needs and filling a void for them not being alone.

2.  She may stay with you because you are meeting her immediate needs, it has nothing to do with love. 

3. Yes she hangs around because you meet or may meet certain needs in the future.  If she finds a better option you may not hear from her as much or even dumped abruptly with no reason or explanation so you don't have closure to move on.  BPD's like to keep options open.

4. Yes they have feelings but they are very irrationale and distorted.  They can change abruptly based on fake feelings or false perceptions thus they are completely irrationale. 

[theodorus]

Those are both very good answers.

I'm emotionally, quite immature as well, although not as much as her. My immaturity has more to do with my interests and mannerisms, whereas she has normal interests, but is horrible with money, and the relationship she has with her parents has long since been ruined. Thankfully, she doesn't cost me anything, so her financial situation doesn't effect me. It's just such a pity to watch.

I'm sure she does love me. Sometimes I question it. But either way, she doesn't steal from me, I can trust her in my home (which is a lot more than I can say for most), she doesn't cheat on me either.

However, I do think she loves me, because she can't find anyone better. She won't find a stable man who will accept her mental illness, just like I very likely won't find a stable woman who will accept my mental and physical illnesses.  When you're sick yourself, you're left with only sick people to choose from. We both met in the loony bin.

Basically, I've put up a defense. It took me years to develop, but it's just a matter of both holding one's ground, maintaining one's dignity, and disregarding emotions that are nonsensical. 

When she pushes me away, I usually just ignore her for a while, and she comes back. If it's for a couple days or weeks, then - whatever - I have plenty to keep me occupied, and I'm perfectly content by myself.

If she ever does leave, I'm prepared for that too.

I do enjoy the time we spend together. I don't have that many friends, and they live far away. She's someone to cuddle with, and to watch tv with.

[babyducks]

Hi Theodorus

The questions I'm trying to ask are as follows:

1. Are BPDs capable of actually feeling real love?

2. If she didn't actually love me, would her illness trick her into staying?

3. Does she just hang around because she literally has no where else to go?

4. Do people with BPD have real feelings, and can actually recognize them, or is everything kind of illusion (to them and to me)?

I like what Jongo said.

4. From my point of view people with BPD have more real feelings that you or I.  The problem is that value is place on those feelings over and above what other people and common sense would dictate. Quite often it seems like they see no difference between their feelings and facts, and if there is a question as to which is more relevant, feelings win.

Please keep in mind that BPD is a spectrum disorder and that individuals can vary on the spectrum.  I sometimes think asking do all BPD's feel real love is kind of the equivalent of asking can all baseball pitchers throw a 98 MPH fast ball?

People with BPD have harmfully intense emotions which are very liable.    Where you and I would feel slightly irritated a person with BPD will feel painfully agitated.   The way BPD presents is that a pwBPD see their emotions as being caused by others or by events outside themselves, with no belief that they have any sort of control over their emotions so they believe that the only way to change how they feel is to get other people or events to change.   This leaves them anxious and fearful much of the time.   Does that make sense?

They have same emotional range as anyone else but can during an episode of emotional dsyregulation dissociate and look either numb or frozen.

Have you looked into the lessons yet?

'ducks

[theodorus]

Have you looked into the lessons yet?

'ducks

I've been reading them. I didn't see them at first. They're an excellent resource. Thank you.

They affirm my beliefs, that pwBPD should be looked at and treated like fragile/handicapped children, instead of the adults that suckers like myself expect them to be. I'm childish too, and was very childish at the beginning of the relationship, which was why I allowed it to go on as long as I did. Childish attracts childish.

We all have to go through these things, to really know. I knew about her BPD before the relationship, read many warnings and knew the stigma attached to BPD, and I was narcissistic enough believe that I could make it work. I was also a virgin, in a society, where male virgins are shamed relentlessly. She was my first.  Being awkward with girls, and "the dating and mating game", I wasn't about to let this one go.

If I heeded the BPD warning, I would probably still be a virgin today, or I would have attracted another girl with BPD, who would have been a lot worse than my ex. Her case is mild compared to some of the stories I've read on here and other places.

However, any case of BPD, however mild, is no good.

The relationship, as well as the city I live in, have both given me much thicker skin. I was raised in a sheltered and overprotective home (people like me are prime targets for people with personality disorders), and I was very naive, and too trusting of others. Such traits present a danger to oneself in a modern, globalized society.

[ColdEthyl]

Hi, Theodorus and welcome

My husband is diagnosed BPD, and you have already gotten some great advice, but I'd like to add to it. I agree more with TheRealJongoBong's viewpoints. A lot of it does also depend on the severity of the illness. It IS a spectrum disorder, so some might suffer symptoms a lot more than others.

My husband's emotions are more intense than mine, and in fact he feeds off of my emotions as well. So, if I'm in a bad mood from work or something, even if I am fine 10 minutes later... .the negative emotions will stick with him the rest of the night. It's like that with everything.

The good side to this, as I'm sure you have seen, is the passion they feel about things they like and love. That's the addicting part for us nons, I think.